14 Days
Characterization
of Donna 
DAY 1
I can't believe I'm
sitting here writing in this now. But
it's this or go crazy and start screaming, crying or throwing things. Not stuff I want to be doing with Mrs.
Bartlet sitting in the seat next to me or Mrs. Landingham across from me.
And the place we are
sitting would be a stark waiting room at George Washington University Hospital.
A few hours ago I started
the biggest nightmare of my life. After
the town hall meeting in Rosslyn shots were fired and Josh and the President
were hit.
"Hit with
what?" I muttered to Toby when he told me.
How idiotic did that sound?
The President is going to
be fine. He's almost out of
surgery. The bullet didn't hit anything
vital and he should be up and around in a few days.
Josh....well, he wasn't
so lucky. He was shot in the chest and
his pulmonary artery was damaged. Severely from what I'm told. He's in surgery and has been for about 4
hours. Which would make the surgery not
even half over according to the doctor's estimates. No one is giving odds and that tells me the
odds are not good.
I just got back from
seeing him. Mrs. Bartlet arranged to me
to get a look at Josh. In surgery. Talk
about surreal.
Toby volunteered to walk
me upstairs. I think he feels
responsible since he was the one to tell me about Josh. He put his arm around me and asked me half a
dozen times if I was sure I wanted to see Josh.
I had to see him. Just in case it
was the last time I got a chance to see him....alive.
Toby walked me to the
observation window and told me he would be waiting down the hall. It took me a few minutes to actually get the
courage together to look at Josh. I
spent the first few minutes looking around at the operating suite. The instruments, the machinery, the doctors
and nurses, anything but the man on the table.
And then I looked. With all the people in there I didn't
actually see much of the surgery. I could
see Josh from about the shoulders up.
Which was enough for me. His
unruly hair was tucked in the shower cap looking hat, his eyes were taped shut,
he had a tube down his throat. There
were wires everywhere, snaking out from under the drapes, IV in his hand, pulse
ox meter on his ear lobe. And then there
was the machinery. So much of it. I couldn't hear them but I could see the flashing
lights and I willed the frantic beating of my heart to slow down in time with
his. I found my breathing matching the
rise and fall of the ventilator.
I had no idea how long I
was there until Toby came back. Almost
an hour had passed by in what seemed like an instant. Toby took me to the cafeteria and forced me
to drink a cup of tea.
And so here I am back in
the waiting room....waiting.
What am I going to do if
the unthinkable happens? I can't even
bear to think about it.
Well, it's nearly noon.
I managed to sleep for a few hours.
I woke up stiff and disoriented in the waiting room a little while ago. Mrs. Landingham force fed me breakfast and
then had to go back to the White House.
Josh just went to the
recovery room. Leo and the President are
with him now. It's my turn next so I
should probably go to the ladies room and pull myself together so I don't look
like some extra from a horror movie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh my God. He's alive.
I got up here about half
an hour ago and just now managed to pull myself together enough and stop
sobbing. I went through Leo's
handkerchief and half a box of tissues.
Josh is still pretty out of it.
He moans a little every few minutes but the nurse assures me he's not in
any pain. She told me to keep talking to
him to try and bring him back to consciousness.
I tried for a little while but just ended up sobbing. So now I'm sitting here next to his bed,
holding his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He woke up a little while
ago for about ten minutes, the longest stretch so far. He opened his eyes enough to see I was
there. He started crying the minute he
realized who I was. Which started me all
over again. So I perched on the edge of
the bed and brushed back his hair and kissed his forehead. He calmed down pretty quick. Probably wasn't such a good idea to be
sitting on his bed and kissing him...but I didn't care.
Josh was coming back to
us....to me. I can't believe I wrote
that.
So a minute ago he
drifted off again. The nurse says I can
expect that to happen for the rest of the day.
The doctor was in before
and said Josh'll be moved to ICU in about an hour. It's hard to see him like this. Joshua Lyman, man of constant motion, lying
here so still. He's so pale and cold. They gave him blood but he still looks like
there's not enough running through his veins.
Tubes and stuff are everywhere still.
The monitors are noisy, it's a wonder he can get any rest. But that's what the drugs are for, I
suppose. I think the only thing missing
from the OR is the ventilator. Thank
God. That's been replaced by nasal
oxygen.
I hear the doctor and the
nurses in the hallway. Looks like this
is it from the Recovery Room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're in the ICU
now. Not much different from the
Recovery Room. Not sure what I
expected. Guess I thought Josh would
miraculously pop awake and started talking incessantly. Not real likely for at least a couple of
days.
The room's a little
bigger, but not much. Not quite so much
"stuff" in here. Not that
anything's missing as far as tubes and stuff.
Just not so much clutter in the room.
Yeah, I know that clutter was lifesaving medical equipment and that the
same stuff is behind the curtain at the other side of this room. The monitors
are still here, obviously, but the nurse turned the sound down a little so it's
not so loud. With those turned down the
other sounds seems louder, the hiss of the automatic blood pressure cuff, the
gurgling of the chest tube (which is pretty unnerving but I've been assured the
sounds are perfectly normal) Josh is starting to get restless so I'll stop for
now and see if I can calm him down a little.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, Josh managed a
whole conversation that consisted of whispering my name, asking for a drink and
gasping in pain as the nurse made him take a deep breath. He's awake at the moment but found it's too
tiring to talk. I was talking non-stop
until he pointed to my journal in my hand and motioned for me to write. I took that to mean...write and stop
talking. I offered to leave him alone
for a while but that was met with a look of panic in his eyes. So here I sit, writing and glancing up at him
every minute or so. He's groggy but
doesn't seem to want to sleep. He seems
content to watch me even though I'm sure I look pretty bad. I need to make some plans to go home for a
while, shower, change and pick up Josh's messages from home.
Leo just got here so I'm
going to take the opportunity to run home, shower and grab a few things. I
should probably stop by Josh's place and get some stuff for him. For when he needs something other than
medical intervention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK now, I'm just
stalling. I called Leo when I got here
to Josh's place. Josh is asleep and has
been for a few hours. The Surgeon
General came by to visit him for a few minutes. He was out of it and didn't even know she
was there. Kind of a shame, he likes
Millicent Griffith. I've been home,
showered, changed, napped, ate and packed a few things cause I don't plan on
leaving the hospital for any length of time for the foreseeable future. Not sure what the Secret Service and the
hospital administration will think of that but for their own sake they'd better
not cross the determined Donnatella Moss.
Oh no, I've been reduced to rhymes.
I think maybe I should have slept a little longer. But it's almost 7 and I want to get back to
the hospital before Josh is out for the night.
So why am I sitting on
Josh's couch stalling? No idea
really. I just packed some things for
him and sitting here makes everything seem normal. Everything here is normal. It's a mess, the breakfast dishes from
yesterday were in the sink, the clean laundry was sitting on the chair in the
bedroom, there were towels on the floor in the bathroom and the fridge is
basically empty. It wasn't before but I
cleaned it out, throwing away perishables that will likely go bad before Josh
gets home.
Time to get my act
together, pull myself together and go see Josh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's almost 11 and Josh
is finally settled down. When I got here
he was not doing well at all. His O2
levels kept dropping, which led to the doctor ordering an O2 mask instead of
the nasal oxygen. Which in turn brought
out claustrophobic tendencies I didn't know Josh even had and a near panic
attack. Finally got him calmed down when
the RT came in for some deep breathing.
My heart broke for Josh as he struggled to follow her instructions while
still pretty groggy. Deep Breathing
Techniques should be renamed Deep Breathing Torture. I just sat there helpless, completely unsure
of what to do. A big part of me wanted
to pull the respiratory therapist away from him and drop kick her down the
hall. But I think that would have
annoyed Chris and Gary, the two agents outside Josh's door. So I sat there helplessly watching as Josh
struggled to take a deep breath and try to hold back the tears.
The second the RT left I
sat next to him on the bed desperately wanting to take him in my arms but
knowing that would cause even more pain.
I whispered to him to let go and let the tears fall. They fell silently; sobbing loudly would have
been physically too painful for him. The
nurse came in with a syringe full of the good stuff and now he's almost
asleep.
Tomorrow they want him on
the PCA machine. And I have to find
somewhere to hook up his laptop and start visiting WEBMD.com. I have a whole list of things I need to learn
about, O2 values, PO2 values, chest tubes, PCA machines and a whole list of
other things I jotted down on a napkin earlier.
Just when I have the political abbreviations and terms figured out I'm
thrown into the medical world.
When I got back here I
noticed a recliner had been brought in.
I think that was compliments of Mrs. Bartlet. I made it pretty clear to her earlier that I
really had no intention of leaving anytime soon. She understood, having not gone back to the
White House herself since this whole nightmare started.
Gary just stuck his head in and said
the President is on his way to visit enough though Josh is probably out for the
foreseeable future. I started to leave
but Gary assured me the President was
expecting me to be here when he arrived.
So I guess the least I can do is run a brush through my hair and splash
some water on my face.
Sleeping in a recliner,
coupled with the endless stream of medical personnel that traipsed through the
room all night, has left me a little cranky this morning. But nothing like Josh. It looks like it is shaping up to be
"Let's get Josh up and moving day", otherwise known as "Let's torture
Josh day"
The day started a little
over an hour ago at a little before 7.
The nursing shift was about to change so vitals were taken....for the
record.
O2-a little low
temp-a little high
lung sounds-apparently
could be better, RT is coming to visit in a while to teach Josh to cough.
incision-looks nice. I'll take their word for it; I'm not too keen
on peeking just yet.
Breakfast came at 7. If you could call it that. It think it was a can of some nasty looking
drink, probably something along the lines of Ensure and some ginger ale. The dietary tech announced that lunch would
be something better. I'm guessing Jello
and I'm also guessing Josh wouldn't think that's much of an improvement. But he doesn't seem interested in eating
anyway so he's not complaining too much.
Which brings us up to now
and the fact that I stepped out when the doctor came by to visit. Had Josh been awake I would have stayed but
he was out cold from the exertion of drinking some ginger ale and breathing
deeply a couple of times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor just stopped
by the cafeteria. I'm assuming the Bartlet's
told him to treat me like Josh's next of kin until his mom gets here sometime
this afternoon. Anyway he's pleased with
how Josh is coming along. If you ask me
he hasn't come very far, but then again, I don't have a medical degree.
It's amazing how humor
creeps into my writing at the strangest times.
Doc wants Josh on the PCA
pump now so he can take some control over his recovery. He wants Josh to be sitting up by the end of
the day and would be thrilled if he at least tried to eat something. I'm really not holding out any great
hope. He's a little worried about the O2
readings and the fever Josh's been running since the middle of the night. Ordered the oxygen mask if the numbers keep
falling and something to calm Josh down if it comes to the mask. Who knew the confident, swaggering Joshua
Lyman was claustrophobic?
So now that my breakfast
is done I'll head back up there to see what's happening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, an eventful
afternoon so far. Started off with green
Jello for lunch. I don't even think Josh
picked up the spoon. He did manage to
drink a little ginger ale but unfortunately it didn't stay down very long
before he threw it and an impressive (and disgusting) amount of mucous up in
his lap. But on the plus side he was sort of sitting up when he did it. Which
led to me helping the nurse to get him changed.
Which led to a very uncomfortable situation for me and possibly for Josh
I couldn't tell cause he was out of it from pushing the button on the PCA
machine. Let's just say, he was wearing
only the hospital robe that needed to be changed. I'm sure the nurse thinks we're more than
boss and assistant. Which I suppose we
are but we're not THAT much more. I
approached the whole thing as clinically as possible and hoped I wasn't
blushing too much.
RT came up after we got
Josh changed and for a minute there I thought he was going to need another
gown. She brought an ugly pillow shaped
like a heart for Josh to hug when he's practicing his coughing and his sitting
up. It's supposed to help with the
pain. It's not helping. She did manage to get him to cough up an
alarming amount of junk from his lungs, which I guess is good but, well...yuck. And it made him heave a few times, but since
he hadn't eaten, nothing came up.
I just realized these
pages could get rather....uh, descriptive with all the medical stuff going
on. But it's not like anyone other than
me will be reading it.
Josh's mom called from
the airport. She's on her way. She wanted to come last night but couldn't
get a flight out until today. I think it
was better this way. I had a hard enough
time holding myself together last night.
I don't think I would have been about to hold her together too. We wouldn't have made a very good team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Lyman arrived about
3. She's holding herself together
pretty well. As much as they say Josh is
out of the woods I can't imagine being in her shoes, facing the mortality of
her only living child. Josh was awake
and coherent for the first half hour or so of her visit. For which I was happy. She sat with him, held his hand and brushed
back his hair. I felt as if I was
intruding on their time together so I went out for a breath of fresh air. I also stopped by to visit the
President. He's looking much better and
will probably be released tomorrow. To
the custody of his wife, he teased.
Leo stopped by a few
minutes ago. We had coffee here in the
cafeteria and then he went up to see Josh and Mrs. Lyman. Who wants me to call her Rebecca but I don't
know about that. I told her I'd try.
Suppose I should think
about what I'm going to do tonight. Stay
or leave. I'll certainly stick around till Josh is out for the night. Or out until the next round of poking and prodding
from the medical staff. Tomorrow he'll
be moved to a regular room and Mrs. Bartlet promised me a cot.
The nurse just stuck her
head in and said Josh was asking for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's now somewhere around
2 and I suppose it's technically day 4 but I guess my days will start with the
sunrise. Fresh, new, the sun'll come out
and all that other crap.
The nurse was just here
to do a vital check and it woke us both up completely. For the record
temp-101.3
O2-just fine at 98 with
the nasal prongs
everything else seems to
be ok
They gave him something
to try and bring down the fever and the doc is culturing some stuff to narrow
down the choice of antibiotics. I know
they drew blood earlier to culture and I think, although I didn't actually
witness it, they cultured some of the nasty stuff he's been hocking up all day.
Thanks to the RT.
It's rather eerie in here
at the moment. The only light on is a
very small on over Josh's bed so I have the journal next to him on the bed, my
left hand and his right holding it still while I try to write with my right
hand. Yeah, I'm holding his hand. I've discovered rather quickly that he calms
down when he knows I'm nearby. The sound
is turned off of the monitors and the blood pressure cuff is set to go off
every half hour or so. A lot less often
than this time yesterday. Even the chest
tube isn't so noisy tonight. I'm
thinking that's a good thing. They're
talking about pulling it out in a day or so.
Not sure I want to be around for that.
Sounds rather unpleasant.
Well, Josh is restless
and he's already pushed this off the bed twice so I think I am going to try and
get some sleep. Before the next round of
"Let's wake Josh up and check his vitals."
Moving Day.
The doc just left. As soon as Josh is done breakfast we're out
of the ICU and on our way to a regular room.
Well, I think it might be a little nicer than a regular old room. I think being a senior advisor to the
President might get Josh a few perks around here.
So we're all packed
up. Not that they was that much to
pack. My stuff is tossed in my tote bag
and my duffle. Josh's stuff is still in
his backpack because he hasn't really needed much from home yet. But that's going to change soon cause the doc
wants him up and in the wheelchair later. So his mom brought over his robe and slippers
last night before she went back to sleep at his place.
And so Josh is eating
breakfast. Or to put it more honestly,
Josh is playing with his breakfast. It's Jello, red this time, some juice and
tea. He drank a little juice and some of
the tea. He's managed to pick up the
spoon and stab at the Jello. I'm trying
not to be obvious about watching him and I think I'm doing a pretty good job.
Or maybe not.
He just caught me
watching him. I tried to get him to eat
something but he honestly has no interest in food right now. And that's not going to go over too well with
the doc. He really wants him to start
eating. Cause eating gets other things
going. Things I'm not going to write
about, not even here! And on that subject the catheter comes out later today
and Josh will be left with the decision to get moving or use the bedpan. I don't think either is too appealing to him
at the moment.
Well, the nurse of the
day is here and she's got this look that says it's time to torture Josh so I'll
throw this in my bag and see if I can help, or run interference. I'll decide in a minute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, after a rough two
hours we're settled in a spacious room over looking the city. It's very nice actually. Josh is thrilled with the television so he
can watch CNN. I'm not thrilled that it
will probably get him all worked up but at least it gives him something to do. He tried reading the paper yesterday but
couldn't focus long enough or hold it at an angle that was comfortable. So for the moment he's content to watch TV
and as long as he's not getting too worked up I'm inclined to let him be.
Moving from the ICU
turned out to be harder than expected.
Now Josh sat up, sort of, for a while last night. So the nurse thought he could just go in the
wheelchair to the new room. Well, sort
of sitting up and actually sitting up are two entirely different things. The nurse raised the head of Josh's
bed...slowly, thank God. He was doing ok
for a few minutes and then went pale.
Luckily I recognized the "I'm going to puke" face from the
countless times he's shown up drunk at my apartment. He managed to hit the bowl. And of course since he hadn't eaten much it
was basically just painful heaving.
Which is another reason the doc, the nurse and I are trying to convince
him to eat something. Gross as it
sounds, throwing up something is much better than just dry heaving. But Josh isn't buying that, not yet at least.
So wheelchair idea was
scrapped for now. But the doc wants him
in it by tonight, no excuses.
Oh great, lunch should be
here soon. Time to get him to eat and
then I have to get out of here for a little while. I need to go home and pick up some things and
stop by Josh's for a few things he wants.
I teased him about not shaving so now he wants his electric razor. He's complaining about the drafty gown so
I'll get some pajama pants and t-shirts.
I have to go over to the White House and make sure our desks are still
standing under what must be a mountain of paper by now. Mrs. L, Rebecca is going to stay with him
this afternoon. I've found the idea of
being alone just freaks Josh out so I try to make sure someone is here at all
times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, the office of the
DCOS is still standing. Most of Josh's
(and my) stuff has been farmed out. I
grabbed some stuff I could work on here.
But only when Josh is asleep.
He's not supposed to be worrying about work, just recovering. Rebecca said he ate a little at lunch and
managed to keep it down. Doc was happy
about that. The tests results are back
from the cultures and they've changed around the antibiotics order a
little. I'm not even going to try to
write down what bacteria they came up with.
Still need to get onto WEBMD.com.
Maybe later. So his temp is still
elevated. Trying to wean him off the O2
completely. That's going slower than he
would like but they don't seem overly worried.
Josh was asleep when I
got back. Rebecca had just left so it
gave me a change to get a good look at him.
He looks better, not as pale. But
still clearly uncomfortable, even with the PCA and even in his sleep. He's still flat on his back when he sleeps
and I know from traveling he's more comfortable sleeping curled up on his side.
I just realized that what
I'm doing now, watching him sleep, is one of the things I most look forward to
when we travel. He's a completely
different person in his sleep. He's
still, or as still as he gets, the lines on his forehead smooth out and he's at
peace.
Usually at peace.
He's not now. I can tell he wants to curl up but every time
he moves it hurts. Not enough to wake
him up completely but enough for him to moan a little, grimace a little.
I scoot closer to hold
his hold hand for a minute. He's so
warm. I put a cool cloth on his forehead
and he smiled a little in his sleep. I
think it's the first glimpse of his dimples I've seen in four days.
I should get some work
done before he wakes up and wants to help.
No way am I letting him work. I have to lay down the rules about that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, it was a busy
afternoon and evening. RT was here to
put Josh through another session with the torture pillow. I think it's slowly getting better though. No puking this time around. The physical therapist was in to get an idea
of where Josh is at the moment. Showed
me some range of motion stuff I can do with his legs. She would also like to see him up and in the
chair. Which is what we will be
attempting shortly.
Dinner was just served a little
while ago, broth, pudding and juice.
Josh managed to get down some of the pudding and he drank enough to
satisfy the medical types.
So we're waiting for the
physical therapist to come back and then we'll attempt the wheelchair again.
Josh has been quiet
today. Pain is about the same as
yesterday, judging by his mood and how often he uses the PCA button. I can tell he's starting to get frustrated. His mind is clearer and he can focus for
longer periods of time but everything just exhausts him so much. Especially talking. Some of that's from being on the vent for as
long as he was, his throat is still really sore. So sometimes he just writes on a small
notepad Toby left for him. But even
that's a struggle. The IV's in his right
hand and moving his left arm is painful.
So I've picked up a lot of lip reading and the mind reading thing Josh
and I have together is coming in handy too.
Josh has already bugged
me about letting people visit. It's
amazing how well he can whine without actually saying a word! I'll add a visitor schedule to the list of
rules we're discussing later.
OK, PT just arrived.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a little after midnight and I'm sitting looking out the
window. There's a great view of the city
and I never get tired of looking at it at night.
Josh spent about 45
minutes sitting in the wheelchair. He
did better than I thought he would.
Didn't really go anywhere, just over to the window so he could look out
for a while. Once he loses the 02 we can
venture down the hall a little. They're
working on weaning him down now. They
just shut off the oxygen. The nurse stayed for a few minutes to see what would
happen. He's satting at 97 on room air
(yes, I visited WEBMD today and talked to Mrs. Bartlet earlier) which is fine.
The monitor is still on his finger so it will go off if things drop too much.
More PT tomorrow morning
so I should probably get some sleep too.
After I tuck him in once more and brush a kiss over his forehead. To check for fever. Yeah, maybe if I keep
telling myself that I'll believe it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, busy day all
around. It's already 1:00 and this is the first chance I've
had to sit and write.
Instituted some rules
over breakfast. Which Josh actually ate
pretty well. Yogurt, tea and about half
a piece of my toast. Rules didn't go
over too well but I don't care. So here
they are:
Visitors twice a day from
9-11
AM and 6-8 PM.
Anyone can visit but people from work aren't allowed to talk about
anything that might get Josh worked up.
Toby was already thrown out over that rule this morning.
TV is fine as long as he
doesn't start to get too agitated.
Naptime after lunch from
12-2
Lights out at 9 but he
can watch TV until he falls asleep.
And that's it for
now. But I'm sure more will come up,
especially after he gets released. Which
the doc is now saying in about a week. I
can't honestly see Josh being able to leave here in a week but that's why I'm
not the doctor.
They pulled the chest
tube late this morning. I wasn't around
for that. Josh said it wasn't too bad
but he did admit he hit the button on the PCA machine 5 minutes before they did
it.
Sitting in the wheelchair
is working out fine. Josh's O2 levels
are staying up there so we were able to take a little trip down the hall and
back after lunch. And Josh did manage to
eat a little better. They're still
giving him something to keep him from getting so nauseous. I think it's the pain meds that are making
him sick to his stomach. Doc
agrees. Josh hasn't used the PCA nearly
as much today. Cutting the pain meds
back starting tomorrow. They're hoping
to cap the IV off sometime tomorrow if Josh could start to eat a little more
but some test results came back not so great which means he'll still need some
more IV antibiotics. But he doesn't have to be tethered to the IV pole
continuously for that. That can be administered when he sleeps.
Real PT starts later. Doc
wants him up and moving around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And he sleeps. It's been a long day and he's been fighting
sleep. I don't think he ever sleeps
well. His mind just doesn't shut itself
off enough to allow him to relax. But
now he's starting to fight it. I think
it's because he doesn't want to wake up and find that he's alone. I try to make
sure he's never alone but that's not always possible. Like now.
I'm waiting for Rebecca to get here.
She's taking the night shift so I can go home and get some sleep. I'll go into the office in the morning and be
back her by lunch at the latest.
Who am I kidding, I'll be
back here by 10:00 AM.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I was off by an
hour. It's almost 11:00.
The physical therapist was in Josh's room when I got here. I stuck my head in and wisely decided to
leave. He was clearly in pain and his
normal arrogance, which has been tucked aside for the last 6 days, was making
an appearance. I suppose that's a good
sign. I don't know.
So I'm here in the
cafeteria grabbing a late breakfast/early lunch. Spent a few hours in the office this
morning. Tried to get some work done but
just ended up giving the report on Josh's condition half a dozen times. Then the fact that I was in the West Wing
somehow made its way upstairs to the residence and the President wanted to see
me.
He looks good. He's still "chained" to the bed as
he likes to put it. Mrs. Bartlet was
there when I got there but she left the President in my care while she ran over
to her own office to grab some work. The
President and I talked about Josh for a while and then chatted about some
unimportant stuff. I don't even remember
what. He was restless and so he called
Abbey and asked for permission to walk around for a while. That shocked me. Apparently the First Lady must be a little
scary, as the rumors have led us to believe.
So there I was, a an
assistant from Wisconsin, helping the President of the United States put on his
flannel bathrobe and take a walk down the hall.
He took my arm and we went slowly but he did manage to take a lap around
the residence. He was tired by the time
we got back to his bedroom so I helped him get settled on the couch with his
pillow and the quilt. He motioned for me
to sit on the coffee table for a minute.
He told me how proud he was of me and the way I've handled myself over
the past few days. I tried to hold it
together, I really did. But soon I was
reaching for the tissues I've taken to always having with me recently. After I calmed myself down the President was
fading fast. He motioned for me to lean
over and he patted my cheek and kissed my forehead. Which got me started all over again. I left in tears and practically ran back to
the West Wing.
Well, it's almost 11:30 so I think Josh should be done
with PT and getting ready for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the PT guy
Josh did fairly well this morning with his exercises. He wants to try and get him on his feet later
this afternoon. I think that might be
pushing him just a little, but what do I know about PT.
Given Josh's normal bowel
sounds (that info comes from the nurse, I didn't check personally) lunch was
one step closer to a normal meal. Soup,
mashed potatoes, yogurt and tea. Josh
ate more for lunch than he had eaten in the past 3 meals. Doc was very happy, and so was I. I'm getting tired of begging him to eat. By tomorrow doc said he could get a regular
meal and just eat whatever he feels up to eating. First on Josh's list is ice cream. Which doc
promised him he could have after dinner tonight.
It's 1:30 and Josh is napping against his
wishes. He tried to put up a fight but I
just tuned the television to Lifetime and he was out in ten minutes.
So I've spent the last 20
minutes watching him sleep, resting my hand lightly on his chest, feeling his
strong and steady heartbeat. Yet another
thing I shouldn't be doing. But over
these past 6 days certain lines have become blurred, roles changed, our lives
altered forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:00, time for PT. Josh is going down to the PT room and wants
me to go with him. So off we go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:00 and Josh is finally sleeping
thanks to a sleeping pill and some pain meds.
Worked very hard in PT, got up on his own two feet for a few minutes,
took a few steps holding on to the parallel bars. Could tell he was really pleased with
himself.
The dinner selection was
a vast improvement over what he's been given so far but Josh just was not
hungry. Didn't even finish the ice cream
doc brought by for him. That worries us
a little. As does the fever he spiked
after dinner, almost 101.
Doc isn't real happy with
the way Josh's lungs sound. He's been
coughing more over the past few hours.
Which in turn causes more pain in his chest. It's a never ending cycle it seems. Cultured some more junk from his lungs and
will do a chest x-ray in the morning.
Doc hasn't said anything but I know enough from what I've read that he's
worried about aspiration pneumonia. In
addition to the couple of times he got sick after surgery Josh threw up a few
times before he even got to the OR and then again when he was coming out of the
anesthesia so him having inhaled something is a distinct possibility.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are times when I
really hate being right. It's 5:00 PM and it has been an exceedingly
long day already. Unfortunately my guess
about pneumonia was confirmed by some cultures and a chest x-ray earlier today.
At the moment we are
playing a waiting game to see if Josh needs to go back to the ICU, possibly put
back on the vent. His fever is running
well over 102 and has been for most of the day.
Despite a few breathing treatments he's still pretty wheezy. They are trying to control the coughing which
is obviously causing a lot of pain and just exhausting him. He's on the O2 mask now and he's not
complaining. But unfortunately that's
because he's pretty much out of it at the moment between the meds, the pain and
his exhaustion.
Rebecca excused herself
about an hour ago. Sam was here at the
time and took her back to Josh's place.
She held in there as long as she could but the sight of her son in tears
was too much for her to handle. I don't
blame her. I had to distance myself
too. Which is why I am huddled in the
corner by the window with my back to Josh.
Leo's sitting with him at the moment.
He's talking softly, recalling stories about Mallory and Josh when they
were kids. I'm half listening and half
trying to form coherent sentences. I
don't know why writing in this is so important to me. But it is.
I guess part of it is that it gives me something to do, something to
concentrate on other than my best friend laying in bed 4 feet away from me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:15 PM, Josh woke up a
little while ago and had a coughing fit so bad that they were standing by ready
to suction him. That was ten times more
frightening than watching the surgery.
Probably because I was right there, holding his hand and rubbing his
back as he tried to get control of his breathing. He coughed so violently that the nurse
actually took a look to make sure the incision was ok. That's a scary thought. That gave me a glimpse of the scar for the
first time. It's actually not as bad as I had thought it would be.
With a breathing
treatment, oxygen and a mild sedative he's calm now but fighting sleep like
I've never seen him do before. I'm
sitting next to the bed and Josh is just staring at the ceiling, refusing to
close his eyes. He tried talking a
little but it was too much for him. He
didn't even want to watch CNN. He needs
some sleep so let me stop this and see if I can get him to relax a little.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Josh finally drifted off
to sleep a little before 10. After I
stopped writing I held his hand for a few minutes and then he motioned for me
to put the railing up on the other side of the bed. I did and he moved over up
against the railing to give me room to lay on the bed next to him. I know all kinds of warning bells should have
gone off in my head. But they didn't and
I'm not sure how that makes me feel.
Josh tried to settle his head on my shoulder but found it was too
painful so he just took my left hand in both his hands and laid it all across
his stomach. I kissed his cheek and
whispered anything I could of that might reassure him and calm him down. I have no idea what I said but eventually he
fell asleep with his tears and mine running down his cheek.
It's almost 1:30 now and
I'd try to go back to sleep but I know the nurse will be in to check Josh's
vitals at 2:00 and since I always wake up I might as well just stay up and wait
for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2:15, temp is still over
102, with the mask he's holding steady at 97. Josh is completely out so we
won't discuss the route of administration for the Tylenol they just gave
him. I sat with him for a minute and now
I'd better try to get some sleep myself.
Who knows what the rest of the night will hold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We both managed to get
some sleep last night. No long stretches
or anything but probably a total of about 6 hours. It's a little after 7 and I just got off the
phone with Rebecca, she wants to come over but she's not sure if she's ready. I
told her to wait a while, until Josh wakes up and we get a better idea of how
he's doing. I suggested she call Leo and
she if she can have breakfast or something with him. I think she needs to talk to someone and
Leo's a good choice. Well, sleeping
beauty is waking up so I'll put this away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:00. Nurse was just in, here's the bullet, (been
watching too much ER)
temp 101.8
SATS-97 with nasal O2
resps, didn't catch the
number but still a little fast according to the nurse
lungs-still sound
horrible, her words, not mine
RT is on their way to do
a treatment and give their opinion.
My opinion, still looks
like crap, pale and drawn. Slightly more
alert but not a whole lot. Drank a
little juice but has no interest in food.
But nurse said not to push the food issue, he's hooked back up to the IV
and he's getting what he needs from that.
RT just got here. I can't
stay and watch, despite the look Josh is giving me. I think I just earned a spot on "the
list".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah, I'm on the list,
in fact I think I'm at the top of the damn list. Cold shoulder ever since this morning. So I just went about doing the work I brought
with me while Josh watched TV, tried to read, whatever. Whenever he slept I snuck over to sit next to
him, holding his hand, brushing back his hair.
He's awake now and thinks
I don't notice him watching me as I sit on my cot and write. As long as he seems like he's going to
acknowledge that I exist I might as well try to get him to stretch a little or
at least sit in the chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guess I managed to move
down a few slots on the list. Josh came
around before and let me help him into the chair. He sat by the window for a while. He asked if there was any new gossip from
work. None that I know of but there
could be all kinds of stuff going on that I didn't hear about. I've pretty much been in and out. And when I am there I do my work and not
spend too much time socializing. Except
for when the President invites me to come and visit.
Anyway, Josh wasn't real
receptive to the idea of any formal stretching, as doc had hinted about, but he
did let me pull his feet into my lap to stretch out his legs a little. I rubbed his feet, which seem to be
perpetually cold even with socks on. I
flexed his toes back towards his body to loosen up his calves a little. He's got to get on his feet soon if he wants
to get out of here by the weekend. He
did let me stand behind him and stretch his arms a little but that pulls on the
incision so we didn't do too much of that.
I chose instead to rub his shoulders and neck a little, ingoring the
warning bells that keep invading my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toby and CJ came by after
JOsh ate dinner. Or rather after he pushed the food around on the plate. They brought ice cream with them and he did
manage to eat most of that. Rebecca was
here too. She's doing better. She did have a chance to talk with Leo earlier. I think it was good for both of them.
It's almost 9:00 now so I'm going to turn off the
lights and let him watch CNN for a little while. He just moved over on the bed to give me room
to lie down next to him.
DING DING DING (damn
bells)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Antibiotics seem to be
working. Josh slept for 5 straight hours
which was good. He woke up around 7 and
managed to sit up and have something to drink.
Felt well enough to whine about the O2 mask they had him on overnight so
they'll change back to the nasal O2 after he's done with the breathing
treatment he's in the middle of right now.
Rebecca should be here any minute and then I am leaving for a
while. Need to go home and then go to
the White House for a few hours. As much
as I'd like to just stay here with Josh all the time, it's not good...for
either of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2:15, Sam's with Josh now
so I'm sitting in the cafeteria. Doc
just came by to give an update. Josh's
doing pretty well, all things considered.
He's still running almost 101 and can't keep the O2 up without
supplemental oxygen but he's coughing less, he's more alert and in less
pain. If things continue how they are going
he thinks Josh will be able to go home by the weekend. I'm not ready to even think about that. I can't imagine trying to keep him calm and
out of trouble after he's home. Have to
have some more rules.
Sam just came in so let
me put this away for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This afternoon was rather
interesting. Josh tried to read the
paper but it tends to tire him rather quickly, trying to focus and hold it
up. So I read a little of it to
him. I was in the middle of a rather
interesting article on foreign trade when Josh started to get agitated. His voice doesn't always work well so he was
pulling on my hand and pointing towards the door. I turned around expecting to see doc or
Rebecca and saw President Bartlet instead.
I flew out of my chair to stand and tossed the newspaper, which landed
on Josh's head. He managed to pull it
off him but then started to laugh, which started the coughing, causing bells to
go off when his sats dropped. Through
all of this the President just came in to the room, stood next to Josh, brushed
his hair back and held his hand.
We finally got everything
calmed down and I excused myself to go get some fresh air.
When I got back both of
them were asleep. Josh, in bed,
obviously and the President was in the more comfortable of the two visitor's
chairs with his feet propped up on the bed.
I wish I had had a camera. I
pulled the covers over Josh and kissed his forehead, pretending once again it
was only to check his temp. I took the
extra blanket from my cot and threw it over the snoring leader of my country.
They both slept until about
15 minutes ago when dinner was delivered.
The President went back to the White House after kissing both of us on
the cheek.
Right now Josh is
currently picking at his food and shooting me the "death glare"
because I told him he couldn't turn the TV on until he ate something. Yeah, I know I'm treating him like a child
but I'm going with the "whatever works" theory for the time
being.
OK, he choked down a
little so I'll let him watch CNN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cabin fever is starting
to set in big time. Greg, the PT guy
came up for a while after dinner and got Josh in the wheelchair for a little
change of scenery. A little change of
scenery is a big deal when you've got to drag an IV pole and oxygen with you
but we did manage to walk down to the little lounge at the end of the
hallway. Gave Josh a different window to
look out of and a chance to talk to Gary, one of the agents assigned to
him. No one actually thinks Josh is in
any danger at the hospital but I know Mrs. Bartlet wants us to be as comfortable
as possible and disturbed as little as possible. We all know that a picture of Josh in a
hospital gown, hocking up a lung is worth big bucks to many newspapers. So Chris and Gary have been assigned to
us. But they rarely come in the room, they
just stand watch outside.
We got back to the room
and Josh got back in bed and settled down without complaint. Sound asleep by 9:15.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:00 AM and Josh is
awake once again. Lights out at 9:00 is a good idea but by the time he
calms down and relaxes enough it's time for a vital check and then we start all
over again. This time it wasn't the
nurse waking him up.
He was fine, he was sound
asleep, I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when I hear him let loose a
string of words he doesn't normally use.
I ran out of the bathroom
and all I saw was blood.
I was literally frozen
for a second until I realized it was just a nose bleed from being on the nasal
oxygen for so long. Josh had managed to
hit the call button and the nurse was there in a minute. We got him cleaned up quickly but he's still
a bit freaked. He didn't want to talk,
preferring instead to just have me sit next to him on the bed. He's trying to
read over my shoulder. Trying to read
"the good stuff" as he calls it.
No good stuff here, unfortunately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally 6 straight hours
sleep for both of us. I woke up to find
Josh awake and eating while talking on the phone with Sam. It's the first time he's attempted to talk on
the phone. The conversation didn't last
long but at least he tried. He gave me a
huge smile when he realized I was awake and watching him.
He's off the O2 for now
and according to RT his lungs sound much better. Even I can tell that. No more sounding like he's going to hock up a
lung every ten minutes. Still running a
slight fever, just over 100 but doc's not real worried about that. Pain meds were cut again, he's off the PCA
and taking everything but the antibiotics orally. So he's not hooked up to
anything when the antibiotics aren't running.
I think we've really turned a corner over the last 12 hours.
Which leads me to the
conversation we're about to have. He's
got a busy day ahead of him with PT and some other tests. So I am going to leave and go to work. And unless something horrible happens I won't
be back until dinnertime.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OK he didn't take that
conversation well and I got the cold shoulder before he left for PT. It hurt but I know I'm doing the right
thing. He has to get used to me not
being around 24/7. And I have to get
used to it too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's strange sitting here
in Josh's office without him. I'm behind
his desk eating lunch and well, hiding a little. I did manage to get a lot of stuff done this
morning despite having to give updates on his condition at least 6 times. I have the lights off and the blinds and the
door closed so I'm hoping people get the hint that I don't want to be disturbed. I haven't talked to Josh since I left this
morning. I tried to call once but he was
either out of his room or asleep. So I
just put a call in to the doc and am waiting for him to get back to me.
Phone.
Now I don't know what to
do. Doc just called. Josh isn't having the greatest day. Apparently he's moody, crabby, stubborn. Which I explained wasn't all that unusual for
Joshua Lyman. But he's also had some
trouble eating and keeping things down.
Doc doesn't think it's a setback or anything like that, he think it's
just a bad day and Josh's emotions are getting the best of him. Which in turn makes me feel guilty for
leaving him today. So I guess I'll
finish up the essentials, stop by Josh's place to pick up a few more things and
head back to the hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I expected to be met with
the cold shoulder and the silent treatment when I got back. I never expected to be meet with tears and
sobbing. Josh was out of bed when I got
back. He was in the chair by the window, doing his best to curl up in a
ball. My heart broke at the look on his
face. It was like he never thought he'd
see me again. I grabbed the quilt I had
brought from his place a few days ago off the end of the bed and wrapped him up
in it. I sat on the arm of the chair and
put my arm around him and the floodgates opened. I rubbed his back and kissed his forehead
while he literally sobbed for a good ten minutes. By the time he calmed down he was exhausted
so I helped him into bed and sat with him.
He drank a little ginger ale and unfortunately didn't keep it down very
long. Got him cleaned up and into a
fresh set of pajamas.
When we were sitting
there on the bed it occured to me that he hadn't really said anything since I
had returned. And it was also clear he
wasn't in the mood to talk. So I rubbed
his back until he drifted off a little before 6:00, just as the dinner tray was
delivered.
It's almost 7:00 and he's still out. Doc was just here trying to make me feel less
guilty. He explained that what happened
today was perfectly normal. All Josh's
energies have been focused on physical healing for the past week. He's feeling better and there's less pain to
focus on so his emotions just ran wild and things he'd been holding in just
spilled out. My not being there gave him
more time to brood, thats all. Do I
still feel guilty? Sure I do, but I'll
get over it. Josh's starting to stir so
let me see what I can get him to eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:00 and he's out again, hopefully for
the night. I'm procrastinating about
what I should really be doing. Since
Josh was shot I have received hundreds of phone calls from various media
outlets looking for an interview with Josh, or me, apparently they're not real
picky about who they talk to. As a
result I have a stack of pink phone messages at least an inch thick as well as
a stack of faxes about the same size.
Josh and I talked about it a little tonight when we took a trip down to
the cafeteria.
By the time he woke up
his dinner was beyond cold so he conned the nurse into letting us hit the cafeteria. He refused to go down in his pajamas so I
helped him put on some sweats and off we went. He ate a little soup and some
crackers. He did drink enough that the
fluid police (his term) won't complain.
He told me to decide who to grant an interview to. He wants to do it here at the hospital before
he's discharged. Which means I have to
get going and make a decision, Doc think he'll be out of here by the weekend.
OK, I'm going to wade
through the messages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was leaning towards Oprah
but I don't think that's who Josh had in mind.
After reading a note from the people at The Today Show I'm now leaning
towards them. Hey, I'd love to meet Matt
Lauer. And I know for a fact that Katie Couric has a thing for Josh and that
the feeling is mutual. So I'll call them
in the morning and see what we can set up.
Although I'm sure they'll just do a remote spot and I won't get anywhere
near Matt but a girl can dream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day Josh's been
waiting for, shower day. He's had it
with sponge baths and strange waterless shampoo. They took the bandage off the incision this
morning. I didn’t look. Doc cleared him for a shower provided he used
the shower seat and someone was with him at all times. Yeah, I get that honor. Not sure how it's going to work. And I won't know until we get in there and he
sees just how much help he's going to need.
I'm praying for a minimal amount of embarrassment all around. Josh still doesn't know I got a peek at
everything when he was still out of it.
I think I'll just keep that to myself.
Josh's almost done
breakfast so let me get his clean pajamas and stuff out for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, that wasn't too
bad. Josh went in first with his boxers
on. I washed his hair for him using the
detachable shower head and then left him alone, although I sat on the closed
toilet seat 5 feet away. He managed ok,
got his boxers down but wasn't able to kick them completely off so he did ask
for help. I tossed him a towel to cover
up with and then pulled the boxers off for him.
Not sure how but he did
manage to dry off enough to pull a clean pair of boxers on before he came out
of the shower. I wrapped him up in a
towel and sat him down on the toilet seat so he could catch his breath. I handed
him a t-shirt and he just stared at it for a minute without taking it and then
it hit me. He wasn't too thrilled about
the idea of me seeing the scar. Which,
of course I got a look at while I was washing his hair but I guess that hadn’t
occurred to Josh. I don’t know. So I offered to leave. But he realized he couldn't get the shirt on
by himself so he shook his head and slowly unwrapped the towel. I tried to just put the shirt on as quickly
as possible but he shook his head and whispered "look". So I took a
deep breath and willed back my tears and looked. It's really not as bad as I
thought it would be. It's big, there's
no doubt about that. It's still covered in steri-strips which the doctor said
would start coming off soon. It's still
puffy and red but not as angry looking as I thought it would be. There's more
bruising than I expected. Before he let
me help with the shirt he took my hand in his and put the two over his heart
for just a minute.
I lost it. And s