Aita i papu ia'u
The title is Tahitian for
“I don’t understand”
OK, so my apartment looks
pretty good. Don't think I went too
overboard with the Tahitian decorations.
Or should I say, I don't think Donna went too overboard with the
decorations. I didn't exactly have time
to run to the party store this afternoon.
What?
Donna took it upon
herself to do it. Which was
strange. And were my ears working
earlier? Did she say she is dating a
lawyer? As in the present tense? I let that one slide, for now. I just didn't have the time to get in to that
conversation.
Of course the real reason
behind that would be I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I'm not sure how I feel
about a lot of things at the moment.
There are a lot of things I don't really understand.
Like why did I invite Amy
to go away in the first place? To prove
something to her? And if so, what was I
trying to prove? That I'm not hit and
run? That I can make a commitment? That I'm a better man than Tandy? That my motives are purely, well, pure?
I don't know that they
are. I don't know much at the moment.
I know I like Amy.
I know that I wanted to
go away with her.
Then why the hell did I
cancel my plans to take a meeting that Leo told me to ditch?
To prove something to
myself? To prove that my job comes
first? Like I really need proof of that?
In fact there's only one
time I can recall recently when I didn't put my job first.
When Donna needed help
with the diary mess. I didn't even
consider myself. I only thought about
her.
Why don't I feel the same
way about Amy?
I think I was looking for
an excuse to get me out of the hasty decision I had made.
Seeing Amy give that
speech just...I don't know. She was
amazing and the trip idea just popped into my head.
It was one of those times
I talked without thinking first. Yeah, I
know, those times occur way too often, just ask Donna.
I'm not sure what to make
of her today. I understand the whole
jury duty thing but there really wasn't anything I could do about that. After I
canceled the trip she came in my office and plopped down in my visitor's chair
with her feet on the desk.
She looked at me
strangely for a moment. Nothing new
about that. I made some lame joke about
not having time to give her a foot massage right then, I had work to do.
She stared at me until I
cracked and told her about canceling the trip.
For some strange reason I didn't tell her that it was my decision. I just let her believe it was Leo's doing.
Unfortunately, as usually
happens in situations like that, she found out the truth. I'm still not sure who squealed but it
doesn't really matter.
She stormed into my
office, scuffing up the pair of wingtips my mother sent me when she threw the
door open.
Yeah, I was behind the
door, trying to take ten minutes to relax and make some sense out of my life.
I know, ten minutes is
not enough. But anyway.
Donna chewed me out for
canceling on Amy when I didn't have to.
She made some comments about "guys like me". I think she's been talking to Amy.
I tried to explain but
she told me not to talk to her. And that
creeped me out to the point that I just nodded and flopped into my chair.
And hour and a half later
Donna came back into my office with a bag of stuff from the party store and a
few bottles of rum.
And for a fleeting moment
I considered just taking the bags and Donna back to my place. Just out of curiosity.
Yeah, maybe if I keep
repeating that to myself I may believe it one day.
But then Donna told me
she was calling Amy to tell her to meet me at my place at 9.
Which is 10 minutes from
now.
Quick check of the
apartment. The cleaning lady came today
so it is in order. I picked up coffee on
the way home.
The pajamas I had on this
morning are on the hook on the back of the bathroom door. For some reason I just couldn't toss them in
the hamper after I took a shower this morning.
So there they hang, just waiting for Amy to make fun of them.
I know, pretty immature,
but I can't help it.
I think immature is a
good word to describe how I've handled this whole Amy thing. But in all fairness, she's been pretty
immature too.
So maybe we are made for
each other. I can pull her pigtails and
she can smack me upside the head to get my attention.
But believe it or not,
even with missing a few classes along the way, I have learned a few things
about relationships in the last 40 years.
I know you can't build them on immaturity and scheming. I know there has to be a willingness
compromise and mutual respect for each other.
Lines of communication have to be open and...well, many more things that
I can't quite think of at the moment.
I probably should have
waited for Amy to get here before I broke open the rum.
Other than the respect
part, I don't think Amy and I have any of those things going for us. Maybe it's something we can change.
But I have to want to
change.
And right now, as Amy is
knocking on the door, I'm not sure I want to change.
A disturbing thought
occurs to me as I reach for the doorknob.
The only thing I am sure
of at the moment is that I don't understand what the hell I am about to do.
And that's terrifying.
THE END
