All I Ask
Millie's words are going to be haunting me for the rest of the night, I
just know it. And unfortunately Abbey's not coming back until tomorrow
morning. So I am on my own with these
words and my own thoughts.
How could my daughter, my own flesh and blood be frightened of me? Do I really act like the king of whatever
room I am in? I don't think so, at least
not with my family. I'm not a tyrant; I
don't stand on a proverbial pedestal.
That's not who I am. Why would
Ellie think that about me?
I try so hard to "connect" with her. What usually happens is that we take one step
forward and two steps back. Today, I
don't even think we took half a step forward.
Only a few giant leaps back.
Now I don't even want to go back to the movie, even if we were getting to
the good part. I am in the mood to throw
a fit but I will spare the guards at the door my ranting and raving. After all they have seen enough of it over
the past few weeks. So I'll just brood
quietly, out here, in February, without a coat.
I seem to be ending up here quite frequently without a coat. It's crisp, not freezing, I keep telling
myself. Too cold to play chess, besides
I don't feel like playing against myself again.
So, what's next?
I have an idea, OK, it's not a good idea but I'm doing it anyway. I only had one cigarette this morning and I'm
going to have my second one of the day.
I guess filling my self imposed quota of nicotine and tar just minutes
after meeting with the Surgeon General isn't such a good thing. Especially when the Surgeon General is a
close, personal friend. But, I'll do it
anyway. I'm the President of the United
States; I can do pretty much whatever I
want, oh yeah, except smoke inside.
Stupid antiques.
Let's just peek and make sure no one is in the Oval Office...all clear. Now
where did I stash that pack? Got
it. Back outside.
How could Millie accuse me of loving one of my children less than the other
two? I love my daughters equally. She should know that, she's known Abbey and I
since Elizabeth was a baby. She's one of our best friends, that was why
we asked her to be Ellie's Godmother 24 years ago. She and Ellie have always been extremely
close. She dotes on her and I think she
is the first one Ellie runs to when she needs to talk. Not me, her father, or even Abbey, but
someone outside the family. Maybe that
is what bothers me most.
What I said about Ellie belonging to Abbey is true. She's always been a hell of a lot closer to
her mother than to me. And that
hurts. Abbey sees it and knows how much
it hurts me but she's never been able to do anything about it. She tries, she really does. But as the say goes, you can lead a horse to
water but you.....
Did I just compare my child to a horse?
Maybe I should try that again.
Abbey tried to push us together when Ellie was younger, but it usually
seemed to backfire, so when she got older Abbey just stopped trying so
hard.
Abbey and I have always tried to treat the girls equally. But it's hard. Not that we love one more than the other,
that's not it. The girls are just so
different. And as a result Abbey and I
have different ways of relating to them.
Sure they look enough alike, more like Abbey than me, but they are
completely different. Each has their own personalities, strengths and gifts.
Elizabeth is the oldest, the
leader, the strong one. She was my
shadow when she was little. She loved to
come to the Statehouse with me. She
would sit next to me at my desk and color while I worked. She's been through a lot. She was so young when Annie was born but
she's done a fantastic job. Annie's a
wonderful kid with a good head on her shoulders. I'm so proud of her and her mother.
Zoey's the baby, born 4 years after Ellie, she was a surprise. She and I have always been close. She would never admit it but she does like to
spend time with me. Although some of
that has less to do with me and more to do with Charlie, but I digress. She's the easiest one for me to joke with, to
show my geeky, nerdy side. Sure, she rolls
her eyes at me, but I know deep down she loves it. I worry about her, trying to be a normal
college student with agents trailing her 24 hours a day. She's adjusted fine, I just wish she would
show her face a little more often to, not just to poke her head in the Oval
Office as she and Charlie are leaving on a date.
Eleanor the "middle" one.
My middle child.....I think that might be some of the problem, the whole
expectation of a middle child. Most of
it is just crap but I guess like all other stereotypes it has to have come from
somewhere. I guess we are just too
different, she's meek and I'm, well, so not meek. She's quiet, where I yell. With those close to me I let my emotions
show, she hides everything from me. Good
or bad. But we do have one big trait in
common; we are about as stubborn as they come. That's what usually causes us to
butt heads and dig in our heels. Neither
of us wants to budge an inch.
"I don't know how to make you happy" I hear those words echo in
my head. Those words hurt me more than
she will ever know. I think it took me
20 minutes, 5 tissues and a phone call to Abbey to calm me down after Ellie
left the Oval Office this morning. I
have never been so angry and so hurt. I
think I may have scared Charlie a little.
But I heard Mrs. Landingham telling him some stories of some of my other
less than presidential tantrums. Today's
was just another in a long list. But I
don't really need to relive them just now.
I never really ask for much from Ellie, especially since I became President
and she started medical school. Just to
be able to spend some time with her, for her to come home at the end of the
day. Doesn't even have to be everyday. I would love to see her twice a month. To have her be comfortable around here would
mean the world to me. To have her know
which door to walk out of, is that too much to ask? I don't think so.
But even when she is around she's so distant and hard to read.
So, all day I've been trying to think of a reason why she called
Danny. It's so unlike her to speak out
like that. I didn't really think Millie
put her up to it. She's not that kind of
person. Deep down I guess I do know why
Ellie called Danny. She was worried
about her Godmother and didn't want to see her hurt, by me. Ellie was right, Millie didn't really do
anything other that speak her mind. So
speaking up was the nicest thing Ellie has ever done for me. And I need to tell her that..soon, before we
are once again victims of our own tempers.
I just realized I never even lit the cigarette. I've just been holding it. Maybe I should just quit. It would make Abbey, Leo and a whole list of
others happy. Perhaps I'll just keep it
to one a day. Don't think I'm ready to
stop altogether. Maybe someday.
Guess it is time to get back to the movie.
Don't want to miss all the good parts.
Besides, it is freezing out here!
With God as my witness, I will try to better understand Ellie, to make her
feel welcome, to make her feel comfortable and loved. All I ask of her is to spend time with me and
to give me a chance.
I love my daughters equally. I love
different things about each one of them but in the end my total love is the
same. Nothing will ever change that, I
can guarantee it.
So now, a quick walk back to see the good part of the movie with Ellie and
maybe even try to get her to smile, just as soon as I stop and tie my shoe.
THE END
