Battling For Life
Lately all I do is get myself caught up in battles. With Abbey, with Leo, with the staff, with
the public and with my own body.
I'm really starting to get tired of it.
Emotionally as well as physically.
It's wearing me down. Piece by
piece, battle by battle.
Abbey and I are at odds with each other over just about everything. We fight about our deal, my health, the kids,
how I told the staff without letting her know first, how I didn't mention the
health form to her on the phone. She was
right; we do talk on the phone 3 times a day.
But guess what, for the past few months we talked plenty, we just didn't
say anything. It's amazing how we can be
on the phone for half an hour and say absolutely nothing. She's scared, I know she is. She's trying to be strong and fight back
against all of the things that are threatening to destroy me, to destroy
us. I love it when she fights for me and
for what I believe in, but does she have to fight with me? Against me?
From the minute she entered the Oval Office this morning we were at each
other's throats. Forget about kissing, we never even came close enough to touch
each other. She came in that room in
fighting mode and didn't back down, not one inch. We danced around a few subjects, Zoey, Ellie,
the health form, the fact that she had to go spend some time with Oliver. She was in a worse mood when she got back
from his office. We didn't fight though,
that would have involved speaking to each other. She's kept her distance for most of the
day. I might even be glad about that. I mean, how much can I take in one day. I do have other things to do, like run a
country.
Which brings me to Leo. He's been
amazing over the last week. And I'm sure
I haven't told him that nearly enough.
While we haven't been fighting like Abbey and I have been, we are still
doing battle with each other. I've been
short with him; I've questioned most of his ideas about the situation. How and when to tell the staff, telling the
public, putting a poll in the field. And
the list goes on and on.
I wanted to tell the staff all at once, after Toby. It was Leo's idea to tell the
separately. And of course, looking back
it probably was the right thing to do.
But, my stubbornness has prevented me from telling him that. I really need to tell him.
As of an hour ago, the members of the senior staff all know. I'm glad that part is over. I think telling
the public will be a piece of cake compared to telling the senior staff.
They're my advisors, my friends, my family.
I don't know if doing battle is the right term to use to describe what
is going on between the staff and myself.
Maybe not an outward battle, or a visible battle. But they are all battling inside, to digest
the information I have dumped on them and to face an uncertain future. I am
truly sorry for putting them through this.
This wasn't my plan.
Toby's reaction was, well, not exactly what I had expected. But then again, my own actions that night we
not what I had expected either. I really
thought he would ask how I was doing. But
he was too caught up in the political implications of my announcement. I
realize now that was just a mechanism to distance himself from the
situation. And to keep from falling
apart. But we got past it. And I know he made sure he was in his office
when I told the rest of them. They knew
they could go see him after leaving my office.
And I think all of them did. And
I'm glad.
Josh was next. I suppose he should
have been after Leo but things didn't work out that way. I don't think that bothered him. Josh was the toughest person to tell. He's been through so much in the past
year. He's just now, getting his life
back to some semblance of normalcy. He's
worked so hard in therapy, both physical and emotional. I hated to be the one to give him something
else to brood about. His reaction was
what I expected. He was hurt beyond
belief. He was the one most affected by
the sheer fact that I have an incurable illness. He was devastated, plain and simple. The first time he spoke he did ask how I was
doing. And that almost broke my
heart. While Toby excused himself to
break down outside, Josh couldn't quite get up off the couch to leave. Out of respect for him and his feelings I
excused myself and went outside while Leo stayed with him. I paced around for a
while outside, trying not to look in the window. But I realized that from where they were
sitting only Leo could see me, so I watched.
I watched as my best friend comforted a man I love like a son. I watched
as Leo handed Josh tissues, got him a drink, gave him a hug and even kissed the
top of his head. Of course, watching all
of this from outside reduced me to tears.
Leo waved me back in when he saw that both Josh and I had regained our
composure. Then the three of us talked
strategy.
CJ was last night. Leo told her and
then they came in to see me. She's
smart; she knew something big was going on.
She saw it in Toby's eyes, in Josh's eyes, in Leo's eyes and probably in
my own. She stayed strong. She is the
one who will be most affected professionally.
And I think that hit her first and hit her hard. But she did ask how I was feeling. Although she kept her emotions in check with
in the office with me, I know she was even angrier than Toby. She feels the most betrayed. And she has every right to, she was
betrayed. I should have waited until
Abbey was home to tell her. I don't
know, something about that whole sisterhood thing, maybe it would have made it
easier. But I realize now I was trying
to make it easier on me, not on CJ.
Sam. It was like telling the kids
all over again. He's so young, so
innocent, so idealistic, dare I say, adoring of me. And I had to go and shatter this image he had
of me. I wanted him to know sooner. Toby and Leo talked me in to waiting until
tonight. It was late by the time we sat
down. His reaction was, well, typical
Sam. He stuttered around a while and
then the weight of the situation hit him.
The look on his face was one of a man whose entire world has been
shattered. His eyes were full of pain,
he was pale, his hair hung down across his forehead and his shoulders
slumped. He sat quietly for a while, not
sure what to say or do. Trying to
control all that was going on inside of him.
With Josh I left and let Leo stay with him. With Sam I asked Leo to give us a minute
alone. I poured a drink for both of us and sat next to him on the couch. When he finally found his voice, he did ask
how I was doing. The realization that he
was the last of the senior staff to know didn't hit him as hard as I thought it
would. I'm sure it will later. I'll let Toby explain that to him. We did talk for a while about strategy but it
was late and we were both tired. So I
essentially sent him off to bed with a handshake and a quick hug.
As he closed the door behind him, I collapsed on the couch. Leo came back in and did the same on the
opposite couch. After a while I
eventually got up and sat at my desk, when I am now. Leo, on the other hand, gave in to his
exhaustion and is snoring softly. I
should send him home, but there's something comforting about having him here,
while I think, brood, contemplate, prepare.
Prepare for my next battle. The
battle with the public. The battle is
already starting, only the other side thinks the battle is with the Governor of
Michigan. I wasn't sure about the poll
and I spent considerable time battling with Leo about it. But Josh and Toby trust Joey and that's good
enough for me. So we have a little less
than 96 hours to wait for the results.
My gut feeling is that they will not be good. But we will have to wait and see.
Waiting. That's something I'm not
real good at. Just ask the guy sleeping
on my couch.
I guess that about does it for my battles against other people. Battles I can at least do something
about. Battles where I don't feel
completely powerless. But there is one
more battle....
The biggest battle. The one I have no control over. The battle between my own body and the thing,
called Multiple Sclerosis.
THE END
