Everything to Lose

Tell him what?, I asked Leo. It's amazing how I can go for days without thinking about my *thing*. Yeah, I know, I should be able to say it aloud.

Multiple Sclerosis, there I said it.

While in remission I've managed to distance myself from it so well, that I didn't even count myself among the people who know. I am number 17.

How in God's name did Leo think this would go well? I'll never know. But it went, and badly. Even worse than I had expected. I'm just hoping this wasn't as accurate gauge of how the rest of the staff will react. I don't know if I can go through this again. But you know what, Toby didn't really surprise me as much as I surprised myself. And my behavior was nothing to be proud of, not at all.

Leo thought there would be feelings of betrayal, confusion, and concern for the future. Well, that was putting it mildly.

Poor Toby, when he came in, he had no idea, not a clue. I had to drop the bomb. When I was waiting for Toby to speak the room was eerily silent. The only sounds I could hear were my beating heart and the ticking of the clock, for what seemed like an eternity. I glanced back and forth between Toby and Leo. The look on Leo's face was like nothing I had ever seen before. I can't even explain it, shock, horror and pain, a combination of them, I guess. And then Toby spoke or rather stammered and sputtered for a minute before excusing himself. At least he asked if it was fatal before he walked outside.

Then Leo took charge, told me to take the phone call in his office. I heard Toby come back in and then I faintly heard their voices from Leo's office. I couldn't tell what they were saying but I knew what they were talking about. So exactly why did I walk back into my office and ask,

"So what are you guys talking about?"

That was stupid. Stupid and childish. Not exactly behavior one should expect from the leader of the free world.

I heard myself say that nobody lied. And I almost believe that. But I know I lied. In the emergency room at GW, after Rosslyn. The nurse asked me if I had any medical conditions they should be aware of. And I lied. Bleeding and in pain, I put my pride or whatever the hell has kept me from telling people, before my own safety. Maybe nobody else has lied, but I have. But I was too stubborn to admit that to Toby.

Rosslyn. Toby was right. For a period of time that night, Leo was in charge, plain and simple. I didn't leave a memo for the exact reason Toby touched upon. And that left this country essentially without a leader.

Toby wanted to bet me. I should have taken the bet. I would have lost, of course, but I don't carry cash. So I had nothing to lose. And now I have everything to lose.

My presidency, my family, my health, my happiness.

All the time Toby is trying to digest what's just been thrown at him, trying to think rationally for the good of the country and what did I do? Acted like a jackass.

"And the walls came tumbling down" Can't believe I said that. And if that wasn't enough I had to go throw a couple of files around for good measure.

Leo, God bless him, was trying to calm me down without making it look like he was taking charge in front of Toby. And for that I'm grateful. I think maybe I do rely on Leo too much. Not that he has too much power, that's not quite it. I think it has to do with the fact that we are friends, first and foremost, and sometimes the lines get blurred, just like my vision.

I still can't believe I yelled that I wouldn't apologize to Toby. The words left my mouth before I could stop them. That trait is something I have to work on. Abbey can attest to that.

Abbey. I think the staff is starting to notice she hasn't been around lately. Charlie knows something is wrong. But he'd never ask and never tell anyone of his suspicions. We need to talk but we're not in the same place long enough to get in to the discussion. And I'm sure that's by her own design.

Toby's right, we will need to talk to some lawyers and soon. I don't even want to think about it. If all of this doesn't bring on an episode I will be genuinely shocked. The rest of the staff needs to know, the nation and world need to know.

But for now I need some sleep. I can still hear Toby and the others in the Roosevelt Room working on the speech for the dinner. Hope they found the funny.

I should say goodnight, but I can't face them. So I'll just head back to the residence.

It's a gorgeous night out, even with the storm that's threatening. I think spring is finally coming to town.

The past 8 years of covering things up, sneaking around, hiding medical records is about to take it's toll, on me, on this office, on my family, on the nation. What I have done for these past 8 years has been unthinkably stupid. Plain and simple, it was stupid. I should have never been able to justify it to myself, to Abbey and yes, even to God. I'm not proud of the way I've handled things so far. But I think I can change the way I feel. It will take a lot of thinking, praying, explaining and probably a whole lot of tears. But I will do it. I will make my family and my staff proud.

The only moment I was proud of tonight was when I finally did apologize to Toby. I just hope it wasn't too little, too late.

THE END

Back to Presidential Ponderings