Hearing is Not Listening
By the time the gathering at Phil Hawke's house had ended, Josh was more
than ready to go back to his room and crash.
It had been a very, very long, stressful and at times annoying day. The thought of a hot shower and some mindless
television helped him to force a few more smiles and shake a few more hands as
he propelled Congressman Santos out to the car.
The Congressman, he still refused to call him Matt, had done well, very
well and in a round about way Josh told him so as the pair climbed into the car
and headed down the snow covered street back to their hotel. Muttering something about calling his wife
and kids, Congressman Santos headed to his room before Josh could even think
about discussing the agenda for the next day.
Josh fumbled for a minute with the lock on the door, his fingers cold and
stiff as he wasn't wearing gloves. He
entered his hotel room, with the same thought he'd had each time he had entered
the paneled room, that it looked like the cabin he stayed in when he went to
sleep away camp as a child. He toed off
his shoes and tossed his coat on the chair before turning on CNN and checking
the messages on his cell phone. There
was one from his mother and another from Sam.
He listened to then both, but didn't call either one back. Exhausted but wound up and cold he headed for
the bathroom to take a quick shower to warm up and try to relax enough to
sleep. For the past few weeks sleep had
been rather elusive. That didn't
surprise him in the least but it was still annoying. Every time he had trouble falling asleep he'd
hear Donna's voice running around in his head, telling him to stop being so
stubborn and take a sleeping pill. It
was that voice, as well as the voice of Stanley Keyworth with whom he had
spoken the week before, that made him refill his prescription.
As the hot water ran down his body, easing away some of the tension of the
day, Josh found his thoughts turning, not surprisingly so, towards Donna. Even though he thought he had been prepared
to see her, the sight of her in Will's office had rendered him all but
speechless. The hello he had managed to
croak out was reminiscent of junior high.
And while he knew he shouldn't have been surprised at her job title,
after all she was more than qualified; he was once again left rather
speechless. When she turned his own
words back on him, he realized that in the years Donna had worked for him there
was probably very little he'd said that she hadn't tucked away in her mind for
future use. All those times he thought
for sure she wasn't paying attention when he had gone off on a tangent, she was
listening and learning. It was sort of a
frightening thought when he really considered it.
But he'd made the first move with the email he'd sent her the week
before. She had acknowledged receiving
it but hadn't written anything back to him.
And with the events of the day behind him, it was pretty clear to him
that she wanted and/or needed time. And
as much as it would kill him to do so, he would give her all the time she
needed. He'd waited years; he could wait
a little longer.
The bathroom was completely filled with steam when he shut off the shower
so he opened the door a crack to let some out.
Just as he was finished drying off, and reaching for his blue pajamas,
there was a knock at the door. The last thing he really wanted was company but
there was a very slight chance that it was Donna on the other side of the door
so he yelled for whoever it was to come in as he pushed the bathroom door
closed again so he could get dressed.
The door never opened and the person on the other side knocked again.
"I said COME IN," Josh yelled again as he stumbled across the
room to open the door. Again there was a
knock. "What are you...." Josh
flung open the door before he could complete his sentence. Which turned out to be a good thing, as the
last word of his sentence was going to be "deaf" and the person on
the other side was indeed, deaf. "Joey. Uh, hi," Josh muttered as he found Joey
Lucas outside his door. He stuck his
head out a little further, looking for Kenny.
"I'm not here on business.
Kenny's in his room, on the phone with his girlfriend," Joey
explained as she bounced from one foot to the other in the cold. It was at that instant that Josh realized he
was rather cold, standing there with wet hair, wearing pajamas and nothing on
his feet. "Can I come in?"
Joey finally asked as she gave Josh stood there rooted to his spot.
"Huh? Yeah sure," Josh
said as he stepped aside and let her in the room. "Put your coat anywhere. Just ignore the mess," he said as he
turned away. Joey grabbed his arm and
turned him around.
"Kenny's not here," she pointed out, reminding him that he needed
to face her when he spoke.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.
"Put your coat anywhere.
Sorry about the mess."
"No problem," Joey answered as she tossed her coat on top of
Josh's, which was on the only chair in the room. Josh ran his fingers through his damp hair in
a vain attempt to control it a little.
He turned on the light on the desk and the one in the corner by the door
to make it easier for them to talk. Joey
looked around the room for a few seconds before just sitting down one of the
beds. Josh sat down on the other bed.
"No offense or anything," Josh started, talking care to look at
Joey and enunciate his words carefully.
"But why are you here?"
"What, I can't stop by and say hi?" Joey teased. Josh just laughed. "This afternoon you looked a little...a
little, I don't know, overwhelmed, sad, tired."
"So you thought you'd stop by and keep me awake?" Josh
teased. Joey laughed as she kicked off
her shoes and backed up until she was sitting against the headboard.
"I want you to listen to me. Sit
over here," she said as she patted the bed next to her. Josh just looked at her with a slightly
perplexed look on his face. "The
light in here stinks," she pointed out as she rolled her eyes at him. Josh chuckled and climbed on the bed next to
her, sitting sideways, his left shoulder against the headboard.
"Better?" he asked.
"Much," replied Joey with a smile. "So how are things?" she asked,
using the most general question she could.
"How are things?" Josh muttered, repeating the question in an
effort to stall answering it.
"Depends what "things" you mean, I guess," he said
as he dipped his chin just a little.
Joey reached out to tip his chin back up and he smiled at the
contact. "Campaign things are...are
ok, I guess. It's so early. I'm not sure
what to even expect right now. The
Congressman is...let's just say he's even more in the dark than I am. He's trying to move a little fast with policy
and platforms. I think we just need to
get his name and face out there for now.
So I guess we're going to have to figure this out as we go along."
"Is Matthew Santos the real thing?" Joey asked.
Josh took a deep breath before answering that question. "I think he will be," he answered
honestly. "But I'll admit there are
moments when I wonder if giving up everything was a mistake," he admitted.
"It must have been a hard decision, leaving the White House. Must have taken a huge leap of faith."
"Or a momentary lapse of sanity. Honestly, I realized there was very
little holding me there. Things have
been different for a while now, for over a year I suppose. But that's not to say it wasn't a hard
decision to make. Walking in the Oval
Office to resign was one of the hardest things I've ever done."
"What did President Bartlet say?" Joey asked curiously.
"That he knew it was time for me to move on. That he was grateful for everything I had
done. And he told me not to sacrifice my
life for my job."
"Pretty wise thing to say," Joey said quietly. "So have you talked to anyone from the
White House since you left?"
"Sure, I talk to Toby almost every day. I talked to CJ yesterday. The President called this afternoon. Apparently after I met with Liz this
afternoon she called him to tell him I looked like hell."
"You do," Joey teased lightly as she took in his haggard
appearance and suddenly felt a little guilty that she was keeping him up when
it was clear he was in need of a good night's worth of sleep.
"I know," Josh replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "Haven't been sleeping very well."
"Is that all?" Joey asked with a knowing look on her face.
"Of course not,” Josh sighed. "I was wondering when you'd manage
to steer the conversation towards Donna."
"Donna? I didn't steer the
conversation in her direction," Joey teased as she did her best to feign
innocence. Josh just snorted as he dropped his chin down a little, suddenly
finding the pattern on the bedspread fascinating.
"What's there to say?" he said after picking his head back up
again. "She left me."
"She left the Bartlet White House, not you personally," Joey
pointed out rather forcefully.
"Hey, I thought you were on my side," Josh cried.
"I'm not on anybody's "side" Josh. You're both friends of mine and I don't like
to see either of you hurt."
"Fine. She didn't leave me, she
left the White House."
"Why?" Joey asked, pressing him to face some things she wasn't
sure he'd been able to face yet.
"I don't know. She didn't give
a reason," Josh replied quickly.
Joey just gave him a look that told him there was no way she was going
to believe that answer. "Ever since
last spring she's talked about growing in her job, about doing more. And I was giving her more. But that plan sort of, pardon the expression,
blew up in our faces," Josh said sadly.
"Why did you go to Germany
"Because," Josh answered, hoping against all hope that was
sufficient enough.
He should have known better.
"That's not an answer Joshua," Joey pointed out, emphasizing the
fact that she used his full name.
"Because there was no place in the world I would have rather been at
the time."
"Doesn't that tell you something?" Joey pushed.
"I don't know. When I was in Germany
"Why not?"
"A combination of things I guess.
There was this guy, Colin, who Donna met in Gaza
"You two are waaaaayyyy beyond that first step," Joey teased.
"Suppose you're right about that," Josh muttered. "Things spiraled out of control from
there. She wanted more, professionally
and I supposed personally too. I was too
stubborn and immature to listen to her.
She did try to talk to me. She tried
to schedule lunch about 6 times in the week before she left. Eventually she just got so fed up that she
quit, right in the hallway outside my office."
"So basically, you got what you deserved?"
"Yeah, that I did. And know I
don't know how to change things."
"What have you done so far?
Anything?"
Josh just gave her the "do I look like a complete idiot"
look. "I sent her an email last
week. I laid everything out for her,
bared my soul and groveled."
"And what happened?"
"She emailed back to say she'd read it. I took that to mean she needs time. And I'll respect that. But when I saw her today, I don't know. It was just harder than I thought it would
be. I think she felt the same way. So instead of taking the time to sit down and
talk, we just snarked each other."
"Snarked?" Joey giggled.
"Shut up. I told her she didn't
belong with Russell, that she should be with me."
"What did she say?"
"I don't remember. Something
snarky I'm sure," Josh sighed.
"She has what I couldn't offer her, a great job at a decent salary
with responsibility, room to shine, hell; she probably has an assistant of her
own now."
"Josh, hear me out," Joey said as she took his hands in
hers. "Donna moved on, from her
job, not from you. Put yourself in her
place."
"What do you mean?"
"Think about how she must have felt when she came home from Germany
"Good, I suppose. Loved, I
guess."
"I'm sure it did. There she
was, lying in a hospital bed and the guy she's pined over for years flies to her
side. And just when she thinks things
are finally going to change, she gets home and nothing much is different. She took your flying to be with her as a
sign. God, Joshua, lots of people took
that as a sign. And
then....nothing. Back to
"snarking" or whatever you call it."
"Why blame me for everything?
She's not exactly blameless," Josh said with a dose of frustration
as he tried to let go of Joey's hands.
"No, she's not. But she's also
not here, you are. I'm sure on some
level she felt, "dumped" to use a high school term. Granted, you weren't actually together, but I
think you know what I mean." Josh
just nodded as Joey let his hands go.
"So I screwed up," he sighed as he closed his tired eyes for a
second.
"You both screwed up," Joey corrected him.
"You think there's any hope for us?"
"There's always hope, Joshua,” Joey assured him as she gave his hands
another squeeze. "But for the love
of God, both of you need to stop with the misdirection and snarking. You're adults, start acting like it. If it's time she wants, give it to her. You're both going to be incredibly busy over
the next 10 months, running in the same circles. You're certainly bound to run
into her pretty frequently, don't push.
Be gentle, with her and with yourself.
Like the President said, don't sacrifice your life for your
job." Josh just nodded as he tried
to force the lump in his throat back down.
He'd spent too much time in the past few weeks being an emotional wreck,
he wasn't in the mood to do it again.
"Now, you need some sleep so I'm going to get going." Josh just nodded as Joey reached for her
shoes. She slipped them on and Josh
grabbed her coat. "I hope you were
listening Josh," she said with a smile.
"I heard every word you said," Josh assured her.
"Hearing is different from listening, Joshua," Joey pointed out,
as she lightly poked his chest for emphasis.
"I was listening, to you, to the President and when Donna's ready to
talk, I'll be listening to her," Josh promised with a sad smile as he dropped
his chin down.
"Good," Joey said as she reached to tip up his chin, not to read
his lips, but to give him a quick kiss.
"Keep in touch," she added she pulled her coat tightly around
her.
"I will," Josh promised.
"I’m sure we'll need more research soon."
"That's not what I meant by keeping in touch," Joey teased with a
roll of her eyes.
"I know," Josh answered.
"Thanks for coming over."
Joey just nodded and smiled before heading out the door. Josh watched her walk down to her room at the
end of the building before closing the door.
Josh wandered around the room for a minute, turning out the lights and
thinking about the difference between hearing and listening. He'd heard Donna when she tried for days to
make lunch plans with her, but obviously he hadn't been listening. "In one ear and out the other", his
mother used to say when he was a young boy.
After brushing his teeth and taking a sleeping pill Josh crawled under the
covers. He thought about what the
President had told him and what Joey had told him. As he replayed their words in his mind he
really listened to them, instead of just hearing them.
THE END
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