Heart and Soul

October 2017

"Dad, we're home," Jessie yelled as he came in the house one Friday afternoon in early October.

"Laundry room," Josh called over his shoulder as he tossed another load of dirty clothes in the washer. He pushed the button and started the machine as he heard the boys head towards him. "How was school?" he asked as Jake and Jessie stuck their heads in the laundry room.

"It was ok," they both answered. It was the standard answer they gave together. Had Jessie been alone, he would have given a more elaborate answer, telling Josh about some funny thing that had happened during the day. While he adored school, his brother did not and the last thing Jessie wanted to do was to appear "dorky" in front of his brother. Jessie adored Jake but went out of his way to effectively hide that fact. Josh smiled at their pat answer.

"Any homework this weekend?" Josh asked as he motioned for them to let him out of the laundry room and head for the kitchen.

"I have to read a book for my book report," Jake said as he opened the refrigerator to look for a snack.

"I have to write a page about Christopher Columbus," Jessie said as he hopped up onto the counter to reach the jar of peanut butter.

"You want an apple?" Josh asked as he pointed to the peanut butter. Jessie nodded as he slid down off the counter and took a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Josh cut an apple in wedges and put it in front of Jessie as Jake settled on a leftover piece of chicken from dinner the night before.

While the boys ate their snacks, Josh folded a load of laundry and went to grab their backpacks out of the foyer. The overstuffed state of the boys' backpacks brought a grin to Josh's face. Donna was forever trying to get all three of her "boys" to cut down on the junk they lugged around, especially Josh, the one who really didn't need to be lugging around 20 pounds of God only knows what.

Josh carried the two backpacks to the kitchen table, no easy feat in and of itself as he was having what he referred to as a "bad hip" day and was using the cane, something he didn't do all that often when he was just walking around the house. He opened Jake's, debating for a moment if gloves would be a good idea.

"There's nothing scary in there," Jake said from across the room as he reached to turn on the television mounted under the upper cabinet.

Jake was right. There wasn't anything scary in his backpack. Nor were there too many stray, yet important, papers lurking inside. Just a permission slip for a field trip and his school pictures. "Not bad," Josh said as he pulled the pictures from the envelope.

"They're OK," Jake muttered as he took the now organized backpack and set it on the landing of the stairs in the hopes that he would remember to take it to his room the next time he went up.

Jessie's backpack was a little more challenging as for some reason he had a bag of pinecones in it and the bag had torn a little, leaving little bits of pinecone in the bottom. Jessie just shrugged his shoulders as Josh glanced at him for an explanation. "Do you need them?" Josh asked in mock exasperation.

"Of course," came Jessie's reply, as if there were no other option. Josh just smiled, dumped out the backpack over the trash can and put the pine cones in a zippered plastic bag.

"Nice picture," Josh said as he slid it out. He found himself staring at what very well could have been a portrait of himself at the age of 9.

"He looks like you," Jake muttered.

"And that's a bad thing?" Josh asked with a smirk.

"Not at all," Jake shot back as he scooted out of the room, ducking the ball of crumpled paper Josh threw at him.

Jessie finished his snack and slid off the stool. "Did you really look like this?" he asked as he held up his school picture.

"Pretty much," Josh said with a grin. "I'm sure I have an old picture somewhere, remind me later and I'll look for it."

"Cool," Jessie replied as he slung his backpack over his shoulder and headed upstairs.

Josh found a pair of scissors in the junk drawer and cut out the 8 x 10 pictures of the boys. He took them into the living room to put them in the frames that sat on top of the piano. Tucking his cane under his arm, Josh pulled out the piano bench and sat down. He took the old pictures out of the frame, taking a minute to flip through them. If it weren't for the fact that the pictures were in color he could have sworn he was looking at pictures of himself, especially when he flipped through Jessie's pictures. With a wistful feeling that time was going by too quickly he put the latest pictures in the front, dusted the frames with his shirt sleeve and set them back on the top of the piano.

In the quiet of the room Josh sat with his fingers hovering over the piano keys. He'd taken lessons for a few years as a child and had shown real promise but after Joanie's death the music in the Lyman house seemed to die too and Josh quit his lessons. A few of the songs had stuck with him over the decades and every once in a while he would sit and play them from memory. With a deep breath he started to play a few bars, his fingers stumbling slightly from lack of practice. He played for about 15 minutes, a few bars from one song, a phrase from another. Completely lost in his own world he didn't hear Donna come in the front door, call his name or come into the living room. She leaned in the doorway listening as he fumbled his way through the opening measures of Fur Elise. He stopped when he realized he was being watched.

Donna moved to stand behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and planting a kiss on the top of his head. "You should play more often," she said as she nudged him over a little so she could sit on the piano bench with him.

Josh just shrugged his shoulders at her suggestion. It was one she'd made many times over the years, always getting the same reaction from Josh. As long as she'd known him, Josh had always had a love/hate relationship of music, both playing it and listening to it. Sometimes it soothed him and other times it just brought too many painful memories to the surface.

Donna tucked her hair behind her ears and one-fingered the right hand part to "Heart and Soul", the only song Jessie had been able to teach her. It took until the descending run for Josh to pick up the left hand part. They went through the song a few times, with Donna only messing up once or twice.

They ended together, a perfect chord held out until the sound faded away. Donna put her arm around Josh's shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple. She noticed the pictures on the piano and picked them up to get a better look at them.

"He looks just like you," she said, running her fingers over the image of Jessie. "And when did he get so grown up?" she asked as she held up Jake picture.

"Time's flying by," Josh whispered with just a hint of something in his voice that didn't quite get by his wife.

******************

Dinner was the normal lively affair with the boys giving the highlights of their week at school, everyone asking for the latest update on the wedding plans from Ben and Donna's tales from the Capitol. Josh was content to listen to the rest of the family tell about their week. He didn't feel like he had a whole lot to offer to the conversation, as his week had been rather boring, just like the 3 or 4 that had come before it. Yet, that was fine with Josh; he was rather enjoying not having a whole lot to do. He'd spent time catching up on reading for pleasure, emailing old friends, learning how to do a few more things on the computer and reflecting on just what it was he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

Reflections that hadn't gotten him very far. And for once in his life, having no clear path didn't bother Josh all that much.

After dinner Josh and Jake loaded the dishwasher while Donna put away the leftovers and Jessie went to practice the piano. When the kitchen was clean, Jake and Ben went outside to shoot some hoops before it got too dark. Donna went to answer her email and Josh put on the kettle of water for some tea. As he waited for the water to boil he listened to Jessie practice. He seemed to be having a little trouble. He was a good sight reader but tended to try and put both hands together from the beginning instead of learning each part separately and then trying to put it together.

"Jess, one hand at a time," Josh called as he poured the boiling water.

"Fine," Jessie called back with a hint of frustration in his voice.

"Scoot over," Josh said as he came in to the family room. He set his mug on the coffee table and sat next to Jessie on the piano bench. "Do the right hand part; I'll do the other one."

Together Josh and Jessie managed to work their way through the song Mark had assigned to Jessie for the week. They took turns with the bass and treble parts until Jessie was ready to try and put them together himself. Josh took a seat on the couch and flipped through a magazine while Jessie continued to plug along with the song.

When Jessie finally managed to make it through the song a few times without a mistake, he closed the book and practiced his scales. A quick glance at the clock over the fireplace let him know he'd practiced the required half an hour and then some. He looked over his shoulder at Josh as he too started the right hand part to Heart and Soul.

Not one to resist a little more father and son time, Josh crossed the room to sit on the piano bench next to Jessie. Their version of Heart and Soul was a little faster, a little more elaborate and with a lot fewer errors than Josh and Donna's earlier attempt.

******************

After their piano playing, Jessie headed outside to get in a few minutes of basketball with Jake and Ben before they were called in for the night. Josh read his email, caught the CNN crawl and finished the last of his now cold tea.

"Hey Dad," Jessie called as he came back in the house.

"Office," Josh yelled back as he clicked off the television.

"Do you know where those pictures are?" Jessie asked as he skidded into the room in his socks.

"What pictures?" Josh asked distractedly as he opened a new piece of email.

"The really old ones. You know, where you looked like me," Jessie teased as he flopped on the couch.

Josh turned slowly in his seat, trying to give his best menacing glare in response to his son's teasing. "The 'really old' pictures?" he asked with his eyebrows raised.

"Sort of old," Jessie said, amending his description a little.

"Sort of better," Josh teased. "In there, I think," he said pointing towards the closet. He walked across the room and opened the closet slowly, knowing it was a little full of God only knew what. "There it is," he said, pointing to a box at least a foot over his head and tucked in a corner.

"I'll stand on a chair," Jessie suggested.

"Well, the only chair in here is on wheels, how about you get the step stool out of the pantry."

"Probably a good idea," Jessie smirked, sounding very much like his mother. He headed for the kitchen as Josh turned on the overhead light, so it would be easier to find everything in the closet. He pushed aside a few boxes which were on the floor so Jessie would have room to unfold the step stool.

"I hope to God you're not planning on climbing on this," Donna deadpanned from the doorway where she was holding the step stool.

"No, Jessie was going to do it, but then again, I don't think his 54 inches would quite cut it," he muttered as he realized how high up the box was.

Donna set up the stool and carefully climbed up. "Which one," she asked. "Josh, earth to Josh, stop checking out my legs and show me which damn box to grab," she teased as she kicked him in the good hip.

"Sorry," Josh said sheepishly. "The green box on the top, the one in the corner," Donna reached up, with Josh checking out her still tan legs as she reached on her tip toes. He took the box and limped over to the desk to set it down. He didn't open it right away, just brushed a little dust off the top before wiping his hand on his pants. Donna stepped down from the stool and watched him for a minute. She could see he was going to have a hard time opening up the box. She wasn't exactly sure what was in there, but any childhood memories always seemed a little hard for Josh.

"Did Mom reach it?" Jessie asked as he came in the room, having changed into his pajamas.

"Yeah," Josh said as motioned towards the box. "Put it over there," he said as he pointed towards the coffee table.

"I'll leave you two alone," Donna said as she patted Josh's back for a second. Jessie excitedly pulled the lid off, sending dust flying and starting Josh off on a sneezing fit. As Josh reached for a tissue, Jessie pulled out a manila envelope marked pictures. Looking to his Dad for permission to open it, Josh nodded. Jessie slid the contents of the envelope onto the coffee table, kneeling next to it.

He wordlessly spread the pictures out in front of him. There were various school pictures of Josh, ranging from a kindergarten picture with blond curls and a big dimpled smile up to a serious senior picture, complete with 70's hair that was close to taking over the picture. Jessie flipped through them, trying desperately not to laugh at the less than flattering ones of his father.

"Do you think my hair will turn brown?" Jessie asked as he compared a picture of Josh when he was about 6 to a few from high school.

"Probably not because Mom has blond hair. My parents both had brown hair."

"But Mom dyes her hair," Jessie pointed out with a smirked.

"Yeah, but that's to cover gray, not brown," Josh said.

"I heard that," Donna called from the hallway where she was putting clean sheets in the hallway linen closet.

"Just telling the truth, dear," Josh teased. He reached into the box to pull out some more pictures. There was an envelope marked "J & J".

"Who's J & J?" Jessie asked as he carefully bent up the prongs on the clasp.

"My sister Joanie and I," Josh answered.

"Jake and I are "J & J" too, cool," muttered Jessie as he carefully pulled out the pictures. He was still sitting on the floor but noticed that Josh, who had been sitting on the edge of the couch, had moved to the corner of the couch. Jessie, who had always had an uncanny ability to read his father's moods, curled up on the couch with him.

The two were silent for a minute or two, flipping through the pictures. There were studio shots, more school pictures, and fading candid shots that had been taken and developed by Noah Lyman himself. There was a shot of Josh and Joanie sitting on the piano bench, dressed in their best clothes. Jessie picked it up and held it closer to the lamp to get a better look at it.

"I really do look like you," he announced.

"Yes, you do."

Jessie leaned over and picked up one of Josh's school pictures. He turned it over, looking for a date on it, 4th grade it said. Jessie got up and headed for the living room to get his picture to compare the two. As Jessie left the room, Donna came in carrying another cup of tea for Josh. She carefully looked at Josh to make sure he was doing okay. It had been a long time since he'd glanced at those pictures and although both the boys knew Josh had a sister named Joanie who died young, they didn't know many details about her. Josh gave Donna a tired smile and a little nod to let her know he was okay.

"We have the same dimples," Jessie announced as he came back into the room carrying his picture and Josh's.

"You just noticed that?" Donna asked with a smirk. She tousled Jessie's hair, making him smile broadly, showing his set of dimples.

"No," Jessie said with a roll of his eyes.

"Good, because I thought maybe you needed new glasses," Josh teased. Jessie rolled his eyes at his father as he pushed his glasses up a little higher onto his nose. He sat back down on the couch, leaning against Josh.

The two compared the pictures for a minute. Josh enjoyed the fact that Jessie was still willing to sit on the couch with him and snuggle up, something Jake hadn't been willing to do very often for a few years.

Jessie eventually reached for the envelope containing the pictures of Josh and Joanie. He flipped through them silently. Josh didn't say anything, didn't offer comments about the pictures. He wanted to see if Jessie was going to initiate a conversation. He wasn't sure how much, if anything, Jessie wanted to know about Joanie.

"How old was she?" Jessie asked as he held up what Josh knew was the last picture taken of Joanie.

"She was 15 in that picture. I was 8," Josh said as he ran his hand over the image. "That's the last picture of her."

"What was she like?" Jessie asked. Before Josh could gather a few thoughts and get an answer out, Jake came into the room carrying his basketball. He put it on the floor next to the coffee table and sat on it. He reached for a few pictures. "What was she like?" Jessie asked again.

"Who?" Jake asked.

"Joanie."

"She was...she was great, she was my big sister. A lot of my friends had big sisters too and they were a pain. They ignored us, made fun of us and didn't want anything to do with us. Joanie was different," Josh said as he reached for his tea. He took a few sips as Jake looked at a couple of pictures of Joanie. "She took me places, helped me with my homework, taught me some songs on the piano."

"What songs did she teach you?" Jessie asked.

"Heart and Soul, for starters."

"You taught that to me, before I even took piano lessons," Jessie said. "And you tried to teach him," he muttered as he pointed towards his brother. "But it didn't work."

"I have Mom's musical talent," Jake protested with a laugh.

"Would that be the talent of turning on the stereo?" Donna asked from the doorway.

"Yep," Jake replied with a smile. "But you can sort of play Heart and Soul."

"Sort of," Donna chuckled as she took a seat in Josh's desk chair. She put her feet up and sipped her own tea.

"Joanie died in a fire, right?" Jake asked.

"That's right. She was babysitting me. We were watching a movie and we wanted popcorn. The popcorn popper shorted out and started a fire in the kitchen."

"What's a popcorn popper?" Jessie asked curiously.

Josh was silent for a second, until he realized Jake and Jessie had only even known microwave popcorn. "Before microwaves, we have this corn popper. You put oil and popcorn kernels in it and it got hot enough to pop the corn," Josh explained.

"Oh, okay," Jake and Jessie both muttered.

"When Joanie discovered the fire she called for me to run outside."

"Did you?"

Josh nodded. "Joanie didn't follow me. We think she ran upstairs to get something, maybe her records. The fireman found her on the stairs."

"Was she..." Jessie asked.

"Dead?" Jessie nodded. "Yes, she was dead when they brought her out. I was at the neighbors’ house by then."

"Do you still miss her?" Jessie asked as he curled up a little closer to Josh.

"I do. It's been almost 50 years but I still miss her," Josh said as he pulled Jessie a little closer and kissed the top of his head. He took a deep breath as the fact that it had been 50 years sank in. Jake, wanting to get in on the family bonding but desperate to keep up the appearance of an 11 year old who wouldn't be caught dead snuggling up on the couch with his parents, sat down on the arm of the couch, next to Josh. With his free hand Josh reached out towards Jake, patting his knee and smiling. Jake returned the smile and for the first time in longer than Josh could remember, Jake gave him a spontaneous hug.

"Hey, what about me?" Donna teased as she stood up and crossed the room. She wanted to get into the family hug and the only place left for her to get in on the action was Josh's lap.

"Ew, gross," Jake groaned as he watched his parents showing affection for each other. Josh laughed and elbowed him a little, knocking him slightly, so he slid off the arm of the couch.

Donna kissed Josh again and got up out of his lap. She picked up the empty tea cups and followed Jake out of the room, leaving Josh and Jessie alone again.

"Where is she?" Jessie asked.

"Where's the cemetery?" Jessie nodded. "In Connecticut."

"Have I ever been there?" Jessie asked.

"Once, when you were very young. My mother died when you were a few months old. The four of us went up a year later, when the headstone was unveiled. Joanie's buried next to my parents. You wouldn't remember the cemetery, you were way too young."

"Oh. Can we go someday?"

Josh was silent for a minute. "I suppose. We don't go to Connecticut that often, we don't have any family left there. But I guess maybe on our way up to New Hampshire some time we could make a stop in Connecticut."

"When you go to the cemetery, do you take stones with you, or do you just use the ones on the ground?" Jessie asked as he walked to the window and looked out over the backyard. His question threw Josh for a minute. He had no idea where Jessie had learned of the custom. Josh just looked at Jessie for a minute. "Stu Cohen had to go to the cemetery with his parents last week," Jessie explained.

"Ah, that explains it. You just use stones that are on the ground."

"Why do you leave the stones?"

"To show that someone has visited the grave."

"Oh, okay." Jessie just shrugged his shoulders a little and picked up the pictures again. "Can I have this one?" he asked as he held up a picture of Josh and Joanie. They were sitting on the front porch of the house in Connecticut. Josh was about 2, Joanie, 9. Joanie was sitting on the top stop; Josh was standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her neck, chin resting on the top of her head.

"Sure, you can have it. I'll put the box on a lower shelf and anytime you want to look at the pictures, you can," Josh offered as he put everything back in the box. Jessie nodded, gave Josh a quick hug and ran upstairs.

****************

Josh packed up the pictures quickly and put them in the closet. He was tired and knew that if he started to look carefully through the pictures, he'd throw himself into a place he didn't really need to be. He'd been doing well emotionally for a few months. And with the exception of the last 12 hours or so, physically he'd been doing well also. Throwing himself head first into childhood memories wasn't something he needed to do right then and there.

The house was pretty quiet as he walked towards the kitchen to grab a snack. He could hear the faint sound of the television upstairs in Jessie's room and the hum of the dryer as it finished up the last load of the night.

Josh poured himself a glass of milk and grabbed a handful of Oreos out of the cookie jar. He sat down on one of the stools at the counter. He hadn't bothered to turn on the overhead lights so the room was on lit by the small light of the range hood. As he dunked his cookies he pondered Jessie's request to go visit the cemetery in Connecticut. Visiting the cemetery wasn't something Josh did very often. Even when he was growing up, his family didn't visit Joanie's grave all that much. They went as a family once a year and while he suspected his mother went more often, probably while he was at school, he didn't know for sure. It had been a long, long time since he'd visited Joanie's and his parents' graves. Each May Josh did make a trip to Arlington to put flowers on the grave of Delores Landingham but that was the extent of his regular graveside visits.

As he pondered his milk and cookies, Josh heard Donna come down the stairs and head for the laundry room to fold the last load of clothes. Knowing her husband as she did, Donna didn't go looking for him. She knew he would be in a place better spent alone. If he needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on, he could find her. Josh slid off the stool and limped towards the sink, trying to figure out where he'd left his cane. He wandered into the living room, thinking maybe he left it in there when he'd been playing the piano with Jessie.

Josh found the missing cane propped up against the side of the piano. Instead of reaching for it, he sat down at the piano. His fingers hovered over the keys for a minute, coming down gently to play the first few notes of Heart and Soul. He played as well as a single person could play, given the piece was truly a duet. Donna heard him play from the laundry room but didn't join him. She didn't want her lack of musical ability to ruin the song and if she'd gone into the living room, she knew Josh would have scooted over to let her play with him.

Josh finished the song, closed the lid over the keys and picked up his cane. He went upstairs to check on the boys. Jake was, as usual, sitting on his bed with his beloved laptop, instant messaging no less than 3 friends at one time. He gave Josh a little wave hardly missing a beat of his typing. "Not too late," Josh warned as he headed towards Jessie's room.

Jessie, tired from the week of school, was already half asleep when Josh stepped into his room. He'd turned the television off but the light on the nightstand was still on. Josh turned it off as Jessie rolled over a little, giving Josh room to sit down on the edge of the bed. Jessie snuggled against his father's side as Josh put his arm around the boy's shoulders. Josh knew that time was ticking away and it wouldn't be too much longer before Jessie wasn't going to enjoy snuggling up with him.

Ten minutes later, Jessie was sound asleep. Josh stayed for a minute longer, gathering up the energy to head back downstairs. He pulled the covers up around Jessie, pressed a kiss to his forehead and left the room. As he passed by Jessie's dresser Josh noticed the picture of himself and Joanie was propped up against the lamp, next to the picture of Jessie holding Zoe and Charlie's youngest son, Henry.

Josh headed down the stairs, taking his time. He turned off the lights downstairs and headed for the bedroom. Donna was curled up on the bed, reading. She had her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose. "Boys asleep?" she asked.

"Jessie is, Jake's on the computer, as usual. I told him to wrap it up," Josh said as he headed for the bathroom. He tossed his jeans and sweatshirt in the hamper, brushed his teeth and used the bathroom. "Jessie wants to vist the cemetery," Josh said simply as he crawled into bed. It took Donna a few seconds to realize what he said.

"Really?" Donna asked, a little surprised.

"He's just curious," Josh mused as he shrugged his shoulders a little. "I told him that maybe we could go the next time we head up to New Hampshire."

"It's been a while since you've been there," Donna pointed out.

"Yeah. I guess I'm just not one of those people who feels the need to visit the graves of my loved ones."

"Me either. We used to call those people 'cemetery people'," Donna said with a laugh.

"Cemetery people, it that a Wisconsin thing?" Josh teased as he took off his glasses and set them on the nightstand.

"Don't go mocking Wisconsin, Joshua," Donna warned as she tossed aside her book and took off her own glasses. She turned out the light and snuggled under the covers with Josh.

As usual, Josh tossed and turned for a few minutes, eventually ending up curled up on his side, facing away from Donna. She wrapped her arm around his chest, hand over his heart. "I love you," she whispered into his ear.

"Heart and soul," he whispered back as he pressed his hand to hers.

THE END

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