Hopes and Fears of All the Years
Josh sat in his office on the last night of Hanukkah. He was sitting
in his chair, his chin resting on his arms that were folded on top of the desk.
The office was dark except for the flickering of the flames from the blue and
white candles on the menorah in front of him. The tongues of red and
orange had almost put him into a trance as he sat there staring at them.
It was a little after 9; he'd sent Donna home about half an hour earlier.
She tried to get him to leave too but he had wanted to stay until the candles
burned out. Donna was reluctant to leave him alone. She didn't like what
she saw in his eyes, he was distant and sad. But she also knew that some
days it was just better to leave a brooding Josh Lyman alone. He promised
to call her when he got home. And he knew he had about another hour
before she started calling his house to see if he was home yet. Part of
him wanted to be annoyed at her "mother-hen" tendencies but a bigger
part of him found those tendencies endearing and he was thankful for them.
As the candles guttered out one by one the room got darker as did his
mood. With the ending of Hanukkah the West Wing and the rest of the White
House would be thrown head first into the Christmas season. In years past
Josh had liked when Hanukkah fell early, there was a break in between the two
holidays. This year he just wished they ran one into the next, getting
the Christmas season over with quickly.
It wasn't that he had a problem with Christmas, not really. It wasn't his
holiday but he usually got caught up in the festivities. It was kind of
hard not to when Donna decorated her cubicle and his office with twinkling
lights and mistletoe. Her holiday cookies were something to look forward
to, as were the gifts that arrived almost daily in December. They came
from members of Congress; people who liked him sent things of their own
accord. People who pissed him off during the year gave really nice gifts
but he knew their assistants sent them. As was the case with the gift
baskets that arrived on the desks of his enemies.
The main problem was the past two Christmas seasons were nothing he really
wanted to remember and he just wanted the whole holiday season to end
quickly. Two years ago he'd put his hand through a window in an effort to
stop the pain of Rosslyn. Last year he'd been so caught up in the
depositions that he'd effectively blocked out all the celebrating until they
rejoiced Christmas Eve because Gibson never got to ask his questions.
So now he was faced with 10 days from the time Hanukkah ended until Christmas
arrived. The White House decorators had been busy, readying the nation's
most famous home for the upcoming holiday. Fortunately the music in the
lobby wasn't going to be repeated this year, at least not on the scale of that
Christmas two years ago. There would be music sometimes but it wouldn't
be the all-out assault that had slowly caused him to lose control.
As the last candle burned out, sending the room into complete darkness Josh
just stared at nothing in particular until tears slowly rolled down his
cheeks. He wiped them with the back of his hand before turning on the
desk lamp. Before he stood he took the yarmulke off his head and turned
it over in his hands admiring the embroidery around the edge. Being
nearly 30 years old it was worn and threadbare in places. Josh could
remember with vivid clarity opening the small box that held it the day of his
Bar Mitzvah. His mother had spent long hours carefully stitching the
designs on it before giving it to him. He put it gently in the velvet bag
he'd kept it in since the day he turned 13. He thought about the nearly
identical one that was in an old wooden box in the back of his closet at home,
along with pictures, newspaper clippings and other assorted mementos of his
father. But there was no time for trips down memory lane, Donna would
call him soon, to make sure he was home.
Josh put the velvet bag in the outside pocket of his backpack, making a mental
note to take it out when he got home and put it away. The yarmulke wasn't
something he took out frequently, only a few times a year and usually at
someone else's insistence. In the early fall it was at Toby's insistence.
He'd get Josh to go to temple with him, despite Josh's weak protests. This time
of year he usually took it out at Donna's insistence. It was Donna who
usually remembered to get out the silver menorah, polish it a little and pick
up a box of candles. The gesture brought him to tears more than
once. This year he got up the nerve to ask why it was so important to her
that he celebrate properly. Her answer had been simple, she said,
"The holidays and the meaning behind them make up who you are, your
history. I see you struggling this time of year and want the happy childhood
memories of Hanukkah to be with you, to cheer you up." He correctly
suspected that Donna had been talking to his mother. The thought of that
conversation made him sad; the two people he loved most in the world trying to
think of a way to save him from himself, trying to cheer him up, if only for 8
short days.
A pile of presents sat on the corner of his computer desk, 16 gifts from his
Mom and Donna. They ranged from the humorous, a Star Trek pin from Donna, to
the practical, shoes from his mom, to the sentimental, a small black and white
photo of Josh and Joanie taken during Josh's first Hanukkah. He'd walked
to work that morning so carrying them all home was out of the question.
Quickly fingering them all Josh took a mental inventory of the expressions of
love before turning out the lamp.
Over the previous hours Josh had heard vague mumblings and grumblings about the
snow but hadn't really been paying attention. As he opened the door and
stepped out of the White House he was hit in the face with the driving snow.
A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he turned up the collar of his overcoat and
ducked his head slightly to walk into the wind. A few blocks later he
turned, not towards his own place, but to a place where he knew he'd find
comfort. A place where he knew someone would be expecting him.
Donna was taking a tray of peanut butter cookies out of the oven a few
minutes before 10:00 when the
doorbell rang. She took a quick glance through the peephole even though
she knew who it was.
She opened the door and there stood Josh before her, looking utterly miserable,
frozen and most of all lost. Wordlessly she took him by the hand and
pulled him into her apartment. His backpack hit the floor with a thud and
Donna helped him out of his overcoat and suit jacket. He toed off his
shoes and then did a little dance as he stepped in the wet, melting snow.
Donna laughed a little as she reached out to steady him. He all but fell
into her arms. She ignored the cold that shot through her body as she
held him. She rubbed his back trying to warm him up but he shivered
uncontrollably.
"Josh," she said softly, trying to get his attention without
startling him out of the daze he seemed to be in. "Josh, can you
hear me?"
Josh pulled away slowly and looked at her, his gaze slowly focusing on her face
as he took a couple of deep breaths.
"You're freezing, go take a hot bath. The bubbles are already out on
the sink," she said as she took him by the shoulders and steered him down
the hall.
Josh spoke for the first time since coming in the door, "The bubbles are
waiting for me? You knew I'd come," he said quietly, not sure if it
was a question or a statement.
Donna just nodded, almost shyly.
"Thank you," he whispered with a smile that didn't quite reveal his
dimples. He went into the bathroom, leaving the door open just a crack, a
wordless invitation for Donna to come keep him company in a few minutes.
Donna stood in the hallway until she heard Josh turn on the taps and then she
turned back to return to the kitchen. She scraped the cookies off the pan
and loaded the pans and bowls into the dishwasher. She stood on the stool
and hunted through the cabinet over the refrigerator until she found the bottle
of brandy she was looking for. She poured an inch or so into a small
juice glass for Josh before going to her room to pull out something for him to
put on after he got out of the bath. From the bottom drawer of her
dresser she grabbed a pair of his sweatpants, a long sleeved Yale t-shirt and a
pair of plaid boxers. She found a pair of his socks in the clean laundry
basket as she heard the water turn off in the bathroom.
"Safe to come in?" she asked as she knocked lightly on the door.
Josh took a look at the bubbles and was satisfied that everything was covered.
"Yeah, come on in," he answered.
Donna put the clothes on the counter and handed him the brandy,
"Here drink a little of this," she said as she sat down on the floor
with her back against the vanity, knees bent, feet braced against the side of
the old fashioned tub, the only thing about her apartment Donna would miss if
she moved.
"Thanks," said Josh as he took the drink and brought it to his lips
with a hand that was still shaking slightly. He took a few sips; letting
the brandy warm him up from the inside out as the hot water slowly warmed him
from the outside in. Donna took the glass from him and he sank further
down into the water until the bubbles came up to his chin.
"You ok?" asked Donna, having held in her question as long as she
possibly could.
Josh looked at her and thought about his answer for a seconds.
"Would you believe me if I said I don't really know?" he whispered.
Donna nodded. "I believe you," she whispered as she pulled
herself up onto her knees. She knelt next to the tub and reached out to
run her fingers through Josh's hair for a minute. He put his head back
against the tub, really relaxing for the first time in days. "You
hungry?" she asked a few minutes later.
Josh shrugged his shoulders.
"OK, let's try that again," she said with a grin, "Did you eat
dinner?" she asked, surprised that she couldn't remember if he'd eaten or
not.
"No, I didn't eat dinner." he admitted, not looking her in the eye.
"OK, how about you stay here for a little while longer, I'll heat up some
soup and then we can watch a movie or something while we eat?"
"Sounds nice," he said with a sigh.
Donna smiled at him before leaning over to kiss the top of his head.
"Take your time; your clothes are on the counter."
Fifteen minutes later Josh emerged from the bathroom looking marginally
better. He put the brandy glass in the sink and poured the tea while
Donna ladled out some soup. She carried it to the table while Josh
rummaged in the cabinet for some crackers. They ate in relative silence,
Josh not in the mood for a heavy discussion and Donna not in the mood to force
him to open up. At midnight the show they had been watching ended and
Josh got up to clear the remnants of their snack from the coffee table.
He waved Donna back down when she tried to help so she took the opportunity to
glance at a magazine she'd received earlier in the week.
While Donna read Josh cleaned up and began to pace around the living room,
eventually ending up looking out the window at the snow. "How do you
do it, how do you know?" he whispered.
Donna dropped the magazine and got up to go over to him. "How do I
know what?" she asked as she reached to rub his back.
"How do you know what I need and when I need it? I haven't a clue
what I need most of the time," admitted Josh.
"I don't know, it's just a gift I guess," she said with a smile.
"You sure it's not a curse?" he asked, giving her the first true
smile since he'd arrived.
"Sometimes I do wonder," chuckled Donna.
Josh laughed a minute and then became silent again. He pressed his right
hand against the window as he looked out at the snow. His body language
told Donna he was on the verge of opening up so she wisely kept quiet while she
wanted for him to get his thoughts together.
"You think Leo would give me some vacation time over the next few
weeks?" he asked out of the blue.
"I don't know, you've got a lot to do for the inauguration. Why, you
have some grand vacation plans?"
"More like the urge to run away, I'm afraid," he admitted.
Donna took a couple of deep breaths and chose her words carefully.
"There's no denying you need and deserve a vacation Josh. But even
if you try as hard as you can, you can't run away from the Christmas
season."
"I know, it's just that I don't think I'm handling things all that well
right now and it's only going to get worse."
"You need me to make an appointment for you?"
"I already did, 3 o'clock on Monday."
"Good," said Donna, glad that he's come to the conclusion that he
needed to see his therapist on his own, without any prodding from her.
Josh moved his hand from the window, leaving behind a foggy handprint. He
went back to the couch and sat with his elbows on his knees and his chin
resting on his clasped hands. Donna sat down in front of him on the
coffee table.
"Can I ask you something?" she asked.
Josh nodded for her to continue.
"Have you had an episode recently?"
Josh snorted, "Do you really think I could have one without you knowing
about it?"
"Not really." muttered Donna as she reached to brush back a stray
curl off his face.
"No, I haven't had a full blown one since Amy hit me in the head with that
water balloon. About 9 months ago I guess."
Donna saw him cringe at the memory of the episode, or was it the memory of Amy,
she didn't really know, or care.
Josh stared at his right palm, tracing the faint scar with his finger. It
wasn't noticeable unless you were looking for it; it just looked like a crease
on his palm. "I've had a couple little panic attacks, nothing I
couldn't handle quickly," he admitted. Donna gently took his hand in
hers and traced the scar too. They'd never really discussed the fact that
Josh had put his hand through a window. It was just one of those things
that was too painful. "Do you know what Stanley asked me that
day?" said Josh quietly.
Donna shook her head.
"He asked me if I thought I was suicidal. I told him I didn't think
that. And he bought that answer. It was true I suppose, I didn't
think that, I....." he stopped short and looked Donna in the eye.
"I didn't think that, I knew that."
And with that sentence he confirmed what Donna had suspected for almost 2
years. She scooted to the couch and took him into her arms. He hung
on for dear life, shaking violently but he never cried, never made a sound.
Eventually he stopped shaking and loosened his grip on Donna; he collapsed
against the back of the couch, staring down at his right hand.
"I never said that aloud before," he whispered.
"I kind of figured that," said Donna as she reached behind her and
pulled the afghan of the back of the couch and throwing it over both of
them. She waited a few minutes to see if Josh had anything more to
add. Finally she asked the next tough question, "Was that the only
time you felt that way?"
"Yes, I swear it on my...." he answered, trailing off. "I
swear it was the one and only time," he said sounding more sure of himself
than he had in days. Donna nodded her acceptance of his answer.
Josh curled up next to her with his head on her shoulder. He flicked
the television back on, turning to CNN out of habit more than a desire to watch
the news. He fidgeted for a few minutes while catching the late news.
"Back bothering you?" asked Donna as he shifted position once
again. "You want the heating pad?"
"My back is fine, my leg is fine, my hip is fine and my head is
fine," said Josh, his voice edged with annoyance.
"Ok, then," said Donna, annoyance also creeping into her voice.
"Look, it's late, how about I get the pillow and the blanket and you get
some sleep?" she said, trying to keep an even tone.
"Not tired," muttered Josh as he started to flick through the
channels.
Donna put her hand over his and turned off the television.
"Nightmares been bad lately?"
"No, not at all," replied Josh, a little too quickly, causing Donna
to rethink the question.
"No nightmares, that's great. Have you been sleeping?"
Josh just glared at her, "Look at me, do I look like I've been
sleeping?" he sneered. Donna looked at his face. She knew the
answer to his question; she could see it in the dark shadows under his eyes, in
his vacant look. She just shook her head.
"Have you..."
Josh cut her off before she could go any further, "No, I haven't been
taking the sleeping pills. I don't like to take them. They knock me out
for 8 hours," whined Josh.
Donna tried not to laugh as she thought to herself that was the whole point of
the sleeping pills. She did a pretty good job, only cracking half a
smile.
"Can I turn the TV back on?" he asked, much like a child.
"Sure, you want me to leave you alone?"
His only answer was a shrug of his shoulders.
Donna sighed and decided to stay up with him for a while longer. She put a
pillow in her lap. Taking her wordless invitation Josh curled up and
turned on ESPN. A few minutes later he whispered against Donna's thigh,
"I need you to do something for me." he said in a completely sweet
voice. His moods were changing at a dizzying pace, much to Donna's
frustration.
"What?"
"I want you to promise me that you'll keep an eye on me for the next few
weeks. I know you do that all the time and I love you for it. But I
mean really keep an eye on me. I just feel like....I don't feel I can
trust myself to know when I'm heading for trouble."
"Josh," said Donna cutting him off my putting a finger to his lips,
"I can do that, it's not a problem but if that's the case you need to
promise me something."
"What?" he asked, turning onto his back to look at Donna.
"You need to tell your doctor what you just told me, about not trusting
yourself to know when you're in trouble."
"If I tell him that, along with everything else that's going on, he's
going to recommend that I take something," said Josh as he crossed his
arms over his chest and starting at the ceiling.
"Josh, the whole point of therapy is to talk about anything and
everything," said Donna gently.
"I know, but I don't want to take anything," he said forcefully as he
turned his head away.
Donna hooked a finger under his chin and turned his head so he had no choice
but to look her in the eye. "Josh, we've had this discussion before,
many, many times. There is nothing wrong about taking something.
There are some wonderful drugs out there that can help you."
"And when did you get your medical degree?" asked Josh, harshly.
Donna was taken back by the tone in his voice since he'd been eerily calm since
he showed up on her doorstep. It took her a minute to respond and in the
meantime Josh had sat up and moved to the corner of the couch, knowing he had
crossed a line.
"I don't have a medical degree, in fact I don't have any degree. But
what I do have is concern for you and your well being. And having that
I've done some research each time this subject comes up. So sue me for
caring," she said as she abruptly stood up to leave the room.
Her anger took both of them by surprise. She headed for the bathroom and
Josh just sat there silently on the couch. Donna got changed and brushed
her teeth, all the while listening for Josh. She peeked her head into the
living before going to her bedroom. Josh was still on the couch. He
was stretched out, staring at the ceiling. Part of her wanted to just
take him into her arms and tell him everything would be fine. But she
couldn't; that was a promise she couldn't make. So as hard as it was for
her, she turned to go to bed.
"Wake me if you need me," she said over her shoulder as she closed
the bedroom door. There was no response, no indication that Josh even
heard her.
Donna tossed and turned for a while, finally falling asleep around
1:30. At 3 Josh was still wide awake, still on the couch, still staring
at the ceiling. The apartment was quiet, too quiet. He wasn't used
to it. At his place the clock on the shelf ticked loudly, the fridge
hummed louder and the plumbing groaned every once in a while. The room
was dark except for the faint glow of the street lights and the bands of light
that went across the ceiling with every car driving down the street.
JOsh was uncomfortable in just about every way. His whole tirade to Donna
about his back, leg, hip and head feeling fine was a lie. Everything
ached. He was cold, despite the afghan he'd pulled up to his chin.
He knew where the spare blankets were but he lacked the energy to get off the
couch and pull one out of the closet. His eyes were dry and itchy from
staring at the ceiling. The soup wasn't sitting too well on his
stomach.
In general he was a mess. And things only seemed to be getting worse.
In the past 10 or 15 minutes he'd felt his heart beat get a little faster, his
breathing get a little out of a control and a cold sweat break out on his
forehead. The panic was creeping up on him. It'd happened a few
times over the last couple of months. He could usually push it back by
throwing himself into his work or distracting himself with a walk around the
bullpen. Neither of which was an option at the moment. There wasn't
any work in his backpack and he knew that if he started pacing around the
apartment he'd wake Donna up in about 5 minutes. Not that he didn't want
her company, he just didn't want to admit he needed it.
And so he stayed on the couch trying to distract himself by reciting the
Senators alphabetically by state and then alphabetically by last name, anything
to keep his mind occupied and the demons at bay. He tried to concentrate
on deep breathing and willing his heartbeat to slow down. He closed his
eyes, trying to block out the lights from the cars that were streaming across
the ceiling and down the far wall. With his eyes closed he was given a
reprieve from the moving lights that were adding to the sick feeling in his
stomach. Unfortunately, with his eyes closed his mind decided to bombard
him with images of years past, Rosslyn, shattering glass and a raging fire.
His eyes snapped open again as he felt the bile rise in his throat, letting him
know he had no choice but to get off the couch. Josh managed to stumble
to the bathroom in time without tripping over anything or knocking things over.
Donna's eyes flew open the second Josh closed the bathroom door behind him.
Figuring he was just using the bathroom she pulled the comforter back up and
rolled over to go back to sleep. The unmistakable sound of him getting
sick had her out of bed in a heartbeat and at the door in a second.
"Josh, I'm coming in," she said, not waiting for permission since she
hadn't asked for it in the first place.
With the heaves wracking his body Josh really wasn't in any shape to answer any
questions at that moment anyway. Donna slipped in the room and knelt
behind him, rubbing his back.
"Shh, it's ok. I'm here," she whispered as she wrapped one arm
around him, holding it against his stomach. "Josh, don't fight
it," she said, knowing that ever since he was shot he would fight the urge
to get sick because subconsciously he had this fear that the scar on his chest
would open up. He knew it was a highly unlikely scenario but that
knowledge didn't do anything to help his current situation. Donna snaked
her hand under his t-shirt and moved it up to rest over the scar on his chest.
"Josh, breathe," she coached as she was beginning to worry about him
hyperventilating.
Ten minutes later Josh was able to calm down enough to lift his head and sit
back.
"Here, wipe your face," said Donna as she handed him a cool, damp
cloth. "Let me see if I have any ginger ale. You going to be
ok for a minute?"
Josh just nodded, not ready to talk yet. He wiped his face, rinsed his
mouth and brushed his teeth with his toothbrush he found in the medicine
cabinet. He was just stepping out of the bathroom when Donna came down
the hall. She took him by the hand without a word and led him to her
room. Without hesitation he sat down on the side of the bed. Donna
stood in front of him and handed him a can of ginger ale. "Here, try
and get some of this down.
"Thanks," he whispered as he took it with a shaky hand. He got
a couple of sips down before he had to stop. Donna took the can from him
and put it on the night table. She walked around the other side of the
bed, propped the pillows up at the head of the bed and climbed in. Taking
Josh by the shoulders she settled him back against her chest, her chin resting
on his unruly curls. He pulled the comforter around both of them and
settled with a sigh.
"So, my soup that bad?" asked Donna before kissing the top of his
head.
Josh laughed a little and shook his head.
"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked, even though deep down she
already knew the answer.
"I didn't want to feel helpless; I wanted to work through it on my
own."
"Panic attack?"
"Yeah. I don't want to have to depend on you. Nothing
personal, I don't want to have to depend on anyone."
"I know. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"What's it feel like?"
"It's weird. I could feel it coming on. I was trying to sleep
but every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was...." he stopped short, not
wanting to say what he saw.
"It's ok," whispered Donna as she brushed back his hair.
"You don't have to tell me what you saw."
"My heart started pounding and I couldn't catch my breath. Usually I
can work through it, distract myself. A change of scenery sometimes helps
but I didn't want to wake you by wandering around the apartment. And eventually
I needed to make a dash for the bathroom, which woke you up anyway. And
here we are."
"And here we are," repeated Donna as she held him just a little
tighter. "How do you feel now?"
"Sore. The whole thing where I told you I felt fine, that was pretty
much a lie."
"Kind of figured. Everything hurts?"
"More or less."
"You want to try and take something? I have Advil, Tylenol, Midol,
Tylenol PM..."
Josh chuckled until his chest hurt, "Stop making me laugh, I'm in
pain," he whined. "Tylenol PM sounds like it's worth a
shot."
"It's in the drawer," said Donna as she gestured towards the night
table.
Josh managed to grab the bottle but was clearly in no condition to wrestle with
the child proof cap. Donna took the bottle, opened it and shook two into
his hand. Josh washed them down with some of the soda and leaned over to
turn out the light. The feeling of Donna's arms wrapped safely around him
let him start to slowly relax. He was just about asleep when something
startled him. He had no idea what it was. Donna reflexively tighten
her arms around him even though she was half asleep.
"You ok?" she muttered sleepily.
"Yeah, go back to sleep," he muttered as he rolled off of Donna and
settled onto the pillow next to her.
Josh finally dozed off for good a little before 5; wrapped in Donna's embrace
he felt safe enough to give into the need for sleep.
When Donna woke a little after 7 she was glad to find Josh still sound
asleep. Apparently he had rolled over in his sleep and was currently
curled up with his head against her chest, one arm thrown over her waist.
As if it was the most natural thing to do she kissed his forehead and rubbed
his back for a minute. Josh eventually rolled away from her, back to his
pillow. It gave Donna a chance to get a good look at him. As
expected she wasn't too happy with what she saw. He was pale and thin
with dark circles under his eyes. Worry lines seemed to be permanently
etched on his forehead.
She knew he was in need of about another 12 hours sleep so she left him while
she got up. With the coffee started and the newspaper on the coffee table
Donna started that Saturday morning the same way as she started most every
other morning, with the front page of the Post, the headlines on CNN and a cup
of coffee.
A little after 8 her phone rang and she jumped to get it before it woke
Josh. It was Leo. He couldn't reach Josh at home or on his cell,
which Donna found on the coffee table, the battery dead. They talked for
a while, each sharing their concerns about Josh and whether or not they thought
he was going to make it through the holidays in one piece. They agreed to
hang back and just see how he coped without jumping in and rearranging things,
farming out assignments etc. The basic idea being that the busier Josh
was the less likely he would be to find time to brood. Leo told her to
keep Josh away from the office for the rest of the weekend and that they would
get together and talk about some more things on Monday.
Donna finished the newspaper, took a shower, started a load of laundry and made
a shopping list for the food store while Josh continued to sleep. A
little before noon she checked on him for the fourth or fifth time. The
sun was streaming in the windows so Josh was curled up facing the wall but she
was pretty sure he was awake.
"Josh, you awake?"
"No," he said with a laugh.
Donna returned the laugh and came into the room. She crawled into bed
next to him, spooning him from behind. They both sighed contentedly as if
curling up with each other was something they did every day. Sure, it was
something they thought about most days but it was rare that it happened.
"Feel any better?" Donna asked as she propped her head up on her hand
and leaned forward a little to kiss his cheek.
"I think so, physically at least. Not sure about emotionally,"
he replied honestly. "What time is it?"
"About noon. You gonna get up or do you plan on spending all day
lounging in my bed?" she asked with a smirk as Josh rolled over to face
her.
"Is that an offer?" he asked, eyebrows raised towards his hairline.
"Not a chance, Abner. Get your butt out of my bed," snorted
Donna as she sat up next to him and pulled the covers off of him.
"Jeez, a few hours ago I was puking up my guts and this is how you treat
me," he whined as he make a half hearted attempt to retrieve the blankets.
"Damn right. Go take a shower while I find some clothes for
you."
"Get up, take a shower and get dressed. What happened to taking it
easy today?"
"Taking it easy is fine, but you could be clean with clean clothes on when
you do it."
"Yeah, whatever," muttered Josh as he crawled out of bed and headed
for the bathroom, "By the way, you're fired."
"Impervious," yelled Donna.
After Josh showered and got dressed they had lunch. Or rather Donna had
lunch and Josh pushed his food around on his plate. Donna chose not to
make a big deal out of it. She'd let him slide until dinner and then
she'd insist he eat something.
"I'm done. Come on, let's get a few hours work in," muttered
Josh as he dumped the rest of his food in the trash.
"No way, no work. I already talked to Leo. You and I are off
until Monday."
"Donna," warned Josh in the voice she knew to mean, don't baby me.
"Josh," she said, repeating his tone.
"When did you bring Leo into this little drama?" Josh spit out as he
forcefully pushed his chair back under the kitchen table.
"When Leo called me this morning because he couldn't find you."
"Then let's go to work. What did he need? Why didn't he call
my cell?"
"For the second time, we're not going to work. And your battery was
dead," said Donna, pointing towards the counter where she had plugged his
phone into the charger.
"Whatever. Why did he call?"
Donna just looked at him with the look that said, get a clue. "Ever
stop to think that maybe he's worried about you? That he was calling to
see if you needed anything?"
"Great another "mother-hen" just what I need," snorted Josh
as he started to pace around Donna's kitchen. It was pretty small so
Donna was forced to decide between getting trampled by her boss or leaving the
room. Neither option was appealing so she hopped up on the counter to get
out of his way but still have the ability to get in Josh's face.
"Well, if you call making sure you and the windows in your apartment
survive the next month intact being a mother hen, then I guess that's what we
are," yelled Donna.
Josh stopped dead in his tracks to look at her; sure he would find a look of
remorse on her face for that comment. A chill ran up and down his spine
when he realized the look on her face was nothing near remorseful. It was
a look that said, bring it on. She knew Josh was looking for a
fight. And if it was a fight he wanted, she was ready. Given his current
emotional state she wasn't sure if it was a particularly good idea to fight
with him but she just felt some things inside of Josh needed to be
vocalized. From experience she knew that sometimes the only way to get
Josh to open up was to back him into a corner and make him fight.
"Cheap shot, Donnatella," he said, glaring at her.
Donna refused to back down and just shrugged her shoulders. It soon became
clear to Josh that she wasn't about to apologize. He went back to his
pacing, the anger boiling up inside him.
"So you and Leo decide what to do with me?"
"We discussed a few things, yes," she replied, not giving more
information away than she had to.
"And should I expect my calendar to be cleared by the time I get in on
Monday. Am I going to spend the next 3 weeks sitting around doing
nothing?"
"Not at all, in fact your schedule is packed full. You're going to
be so busy and run yourself so ragged that you're going to crash each night and
sleep."
"Wouldn't count on it," he grumbled.
"Oh, I would if I were you. If I have to escort you home and shove a
sleeping pill down your throat to get through this damn holiday season then
that's what is going to happen," yelled Donna as she smacked the edge of
the counter with her palms, causing Josh to flinch as he had been facing the
other direction.
"Do I get a say in this?" asked Josh, already knowing what her answer
would be.
"Not really."
"Great. So who else knows?"
"Knows what?"
Josh rolled his eyes, "Knows that I'm hanging on by a thread?"
"I would assume most people you've come in contact with over that past few
days. Off the top of my head the people that have asked me if you're
ok---Leo, The President, the First Lady, Sam, your mom, CJ, Matt Skinner and
even Toby."
"What little Mrs. King from across the hall didn't ask you how I was
too?" snorted Josh.
Donna grinned, "Actually, yeah, when I dropped your dry cleaning at you
place last week she caught me in the hall."
"That would explain the peanut butter cookies she left for me earlier in
the week." muttered Josh.
"Joshua, like it or not people are worried about you. Live with
it. And get some sleep this weekend because you're going to need it to
get through this week." she added with a fake grin.
"I'm guessing a three week vacation is out of the question?" he asked
with a wry smile.
"Got that right, you are not running away."
"Oh, so I get to stay here and slowly go insane, just so you and Leo can
watch?" he sneered as his anger returned and he roughly ran his hands
through his already wild hair. "The two of you get some kind of
satisfaction out of that?"
Donna hopped off the counter, her own emotions reaching the breaking point.
She brushed past him on the way to the fridge to get a drink. Not that
she was all that thirsty but she knew things were rapidly getting close to
spiraling out of control. She grabbed a bottle of iced tea and shook it
with more force than necessary before opening it. Deep down she knew that
exploding at Josh would not be a good idea so she tried to calm herself
down. Taking a deep breath she returned to the conversation.
"No, Leo and I do not enjoy watching you fall apart. I can't speak
for Leo but picking up the pieces of your life is not the highlight of
mine. But I do it because I care and because sometimes, if I don't do it,
it won't get done. You're right; you are having difficulty realizing when
you are in trouble. And that scares me more than anything," she said
as she hopped back up on the counter.
Josh stood about a foot away, leaning against the counter in the corner by the
sink. "And you don't think that scares me too?"
"I never said that," Donna replied softly as she held out her hand to
him. Josh exhaled sharply before taking her hand and letting her pull him
towards her. He ended up standing in front of her, between her
knees. Donna took his face in her hands and forced him to look at
her. "What?"
"It. Terrifies. Me." said Josh stressing each and every word.
"It's what keeps me up at night. That's why I asked for your
help."
"I understand that and I am more than willing to help you. But I
can't do it all, that's too much to ask."
"I know. What happens if I fail? You don't deserve that kind
of burden. I put enough on your shoulders as it is," he said as he
moved his hands from his pockets up to rest on her shoulders.
Donna nodded in agreement. She felt the hands on her shoulders start to shake
and she took Josh by the hips and pulled him closer. His head came down
to rest on her shoulder as her arms circled his waist. Clinging to her
like a life line Josh remained silent. No tears were shed, which was
strange. Donna wasn't sure what to make of that fact.
Eventually Josh kissed her forehead and pulled away from her. "I
think I'm going to go home for a while. I have some things I need to
think about."
"You sure you'll be ok by yourself?" asked Donna.
Josh nodded. "I'll call you later." He grabbed his coat
and backpack, leaving behind everything else, his suit, dress shoes, shirt and
tie. By doing so he pretty much assured himself that he'd see Donna later
that day. He wanted her to stop by, to drop off his things, to check up
on him. But he wasn't ready to ask her to do that. It was time to
stop asking her to help him. There were enough responsibilities resting
on her slim shoulders.
The walk through the snow was good for Josh. It gave him some fresh
air and a little exercise. Knowing his own fridge was pretty empty he
stopped by the store for a few things for dinner, counting on the fact that
Donna was likely to join him.
After putting away the groceries he wandered around aimlessly for a
while. He gave some serious thought to running over to the White House to
grab something to work on but he was positive that Donna would find out about
that and he wasn't in the mood to fight with her again. Channeling
surfing held his attention for about an hour, until he dozed off.
As the sun was setting and the room growing dark he awoke to the simultaneous
sounds of his own scream and Donna calling his name. It took him a minute
to realize that A-it was just a dream and B-that Donna had just let herself in
his apartment. Donna threw off her coat and joined him on the
couch. She pulled him tight against her and held him, rocking him gently
as the floodgates opened. Everything he'd been holding inside for days
came out in huge sobs that wracked his body. It was rare for Donna to see
him that upset. Finding some specific words of comfort were a little
difficult, given the fact that she didn't exactly know what was wrong.
But then again, she was pretty sure Josh didn't know either. So generic
words and her gentle touch were going to have to be enough. And as usual
they were.
Josh's sobs slowly turned to an occasional tear before stopping completely
about fifteen minutes after Donna had arrived. She wiped the last few
tears away and got him a handful of tissues from the box on the end table.
"Sorry," he said with a weak smile, speaking for the first time since
Donna had arrived.
"For what?" whispered Donna as she brushed back his hair.
Josh just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, falling apart in
front of you."
"It's not like it's the first time," smirked Donna, pointing out the
obvious.
"You sure know how to kick a guy when he's down," replied Josh, after
sticking his tongue out at her.
"I try. So you wanna talk about it?"
"If I knew what was wrong, if I could put it into words, I would talk
about it. But I don't and I can't. Can you understand?" he
asked softly as he glanced away.
Donna put her hand against his cheek and turned his head to look him in the
eye. "Of course I understand. And my offer to listen stands, always.
Don't forget that."
"I won't," he said, kissing her cheek.
The rest of the day went by without any major fighting or shedding of
tears. Josh and Donna made dinner together and actually ate at the
kitchen table, without the television on, like normal people. Josh ate
well for the first time in about a week, much to Donna's surprise.
After dinner they curled up on the couch and watched television.
Occasionally Josh would mention something that was bothering him. Donna knew he
wasn't looking for a heavy discussion; he was just throwing things out, giving
voice to things he'd kept inside for too long. And so she didn't say much
other than to acknowledge what he'd said and try to offer a tiny bit of
understanding. Eventually he drifted off as the news started.
At 11:30 Donna leaned over to wake Josh and drag him off the couch and send him
to bed.
"Josh, wake up. Come on, you can't sleep on the couch, you won't be
able to move in the morning," she said as she shook his shoulder.
He woke up enough to stumble into the bedroom without doing bodily harm.
Satisfied that he could actually get undressed by himself Donna went to get him
a glass of water. He was curled up under the quilt, only a few stray
curls sticking out, when Donna got back. She perched on the edge of the
bed and ran her hand up and down his back for a minute.
"I got you some water. You want me to stay until you fall
asleep?"
Josh pushed the quilt down slightly, uncovering his eyes. The look on his
face told Donna that he was expecting her to stay. The thought had
crossed her mind but deep down she knew leaving was the wisest choice. She was
sure that if she stayed nothing would happen, at the most she'd curl up with
him, but she knew that he needed time and space to himself, even if he didn't
realize it yet.
"I need to go home," she whispered, hoping that Josh would understand
without making her try to put her feelings into words.
Josh nodded a little and took a deep breath. He understood and actually
felt the same way, even if he wasn't ready to say it aloud.
"Call me if you need anything. You wanna do something
tomorrow?" she asked as she leaned over and turned out the light.
"Social life so bad that you have nothing better to do than baby-sit your
boss?" Josh teased.
"My social life is fine. I just feel like spending some time with my
best friend."
Josh could only smile before closing his eyes. Donna stayed until he was
asleep and then stayed another 20 minutes or so after that. She sat on
the edge of the bed and watched the stubborn, arrogant, perpetually moving,
charming, adorable Joshua Lyman sleep all curled up like a little kid.
With surprising tears in her eyes Donna brushed back his hair and kissed his
forehead. Josh smiled a little in his sleep, showing his dimples just a
bit. Donna gave into temptation and leaned over to kiss him gently on the
lips, lingering just a bit longer than she knew she should.
Sunday dawned clear, sunny and cold. Donna whipped up a quick coffee
cake, put it in the oven and did a quick cleaning on the apartment while it
baked. She'd talked to Josh a little after 9; he said he was up but still
sounded half asleep. Since she was already showered and dressed she
offered to bring breakfast over to his place. By 10:30 she stepped out
into the brisk wind and headed to her car. It took a while for it to warm
up enough to travel more than 20 feet at a time but she eventually got to
Josh's place before the coffee cake was completely cool.
He opened the door, looking completely rumpled and utterly adorable. With
his hair standing up in all directions, flannel pajama pants, slippers and a
baggy sweatshirt it was a pretty good bet he hadn't actually made it into the
shower yet.
"What, no coffee?" he smirked as he took the cake from Donna so she
could take off her coat.
"Very funny," she snickered as she could already smell the coffee
he'd just made.
They settled down on the floor by the coffee table, breakfast and the Sunday
paper in front of them. It was nice to just relax for a few hours.
They read the paper, put a large dent in the cake and polished off a pot of
coffee. Eventually Josh stood up slowly to walk off the stiffness that
had settled in while sitting on the floor. He cleared the mess from the
coffee table while Donna rummaged through the drawer in the end table looking
for a pen to start the crossword puzzle.
"I'm going to go take a shower. Why don't you decide what we're
going to do for the rest of the day," said Josh from the kitchen.
"OK, take your time," she called over her shoulder as she filled in
the first answer to the puzzle.
Fifteen minutes later Donna heard the bathroom door open and Josh head down the
hall to his room. "Wear something warm," she yelled down the
hall. Josh just groaned, not too sure he was ready for whatever Donna had
planned for the day. He appeared in the living room ten minutes later
wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a flannel shirt and the work boots he'd probably had
since college. In his hand was a sweater that he tossed on the back of
the couch. "Warm enough?" he asked as he held up his arms to
let Donna survey his outfit.
"Yep. Do you have any rope?" asked Donna as she leaned over to
put on her own boots she'd kicked off while they were eating.
"Rope? Just exactly what do you have planned for me?" teased
Josh.
"OH, get your mind out of the gutter. We're going to buy a Christmas
tree."
"Uh Donna, in case you've forgotten, I don't celebrate Christmas." he
mentioned as he went to find some rope in the utility closet.
"Funny, but I do," she said.
"So what's the rope for?" he asked as he tossed the coil of rope at
her.
Donna just looked at him strangely. "To tie the tree on the
car," she said, clearly wondering how even a Jewish guy from Connecticut
would have trouble figuring out why she needed rope.
"OK, it had better be a little tree because your car won't take much
weight."
"Who said anything about my car," she snorted as she grabbed his car
keys off the hook by the door and headed down the stairs.
"Do I really have to tie it to the roof?" asked Josh ten minutes
later as they pulled out onto the street “Couldn't you just get a really
little one and we'll toss it in the back?"
"Joshua, in case you haven't noticed, you have an SUV. You're
supposed to use it to haul things around, not just, you know, drive around and
look good in it."
"You think I look good driving around in my car?" teased Josh.
"I was talking about me," smirked Donna as she turned up the heat.
Four hours later they were struggling to get the tree up the stairs to Donna's
place.
"You know, I think my people got the better end of the deal. We just
whip out a nice little menorah and we're done. No dragging trees
anywhere, no untangling lights." grunted Josh as he tried to shove the
tree up the last few steps. Donna just laughed as she had a vision of
Josh as the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, trying to shove the tree up the
chimney. "You could give me a hand," he remarked dryly as Donna
was still trying to stop giggling. She was about to "give him a hand"
and start applauding but she thought better of it. Josh had been a good
sport during the whole tree shopping expedition. He didn't complain when
it took Donna 2 hours and 4 different tree places to find the perfect
tree. He even helped her tie it to the roof of his car, with a minimum
amount of complaining.
When they finally got the tree in the stand Donna started to go through the
boxes of ornaments while Josh ordered pizza for dinner.
"What kind did you get?" asked Donna as Josh wandered into the living
room with two bottles of beer.
"Pepperoni," he smirked as he handed her a beer.
"Well, I guess you deserve to pick once in a while."
"What, no lecture about my blood pressure?" asked Josh a little
surprised.
"Nah, you have an appointment with the cardiologist coming up. I'll
let her lecture you," replied Donna as she took the beer he offered her.
"Damn. I forgot about that," muttered Josh as he sat on the
couch and admired the tree. Donna had put the lights on and was just
about to start on the ornaments.
Half an hour later Donna was happy with the way the tree looked. She and
Josh were side by side on the couch eating their pizza and sharing the last
beer that was in the fridge.
At 9:00 Donna sent Josh home to get some sleep. He grumbled about how
early it was to go to bed. She glared at him and then told him to take a
pill, he was going to need all the sleep he could get in order to keep up with
the schedule she'd set up for him for the next week.
After he got home Josh took a quick shower to relax and grudgingly took a
sleeping pill. He slept soundly for 7 hours, something that rarely
happened.
As Donna had warned, Josh's day was packed full. He worked non-stop
from 7 until a little after 1 when Donna appeared in his doorway with
lunch. They ate while they worked on his note cards for his meeting on
the Hill which was at 4:30. That meant Dr. Collins needed to be running
on time so Josh could get a full hour in with him and still make the
meeting. Being so busy Josh hadn't had much of a chance to brood about
having to go see the therapist, which was all part of Donna's and Leo's plan.
At 2:40 Donna poked her head in Josh's office to tell him it was time to
leave. He was sitting staring out the window, apparently having found a
minute or two to brood.
"Josh, time to go. You have everything?" asked Donna in an even
tone as she stuffed a few remaining note cards in the outside pocket of his
backpack.
"Yeah, I think so," he muttered as he held out his hand for the
backpack. He checked to make sure the paper with the things written down
for Dr. Collins was in there. It was and he zipped the pocket shut and
stuffed his arms into the coat Donna was holding out for him. He slung
his backpack over his shoulder and left with a weak smile and a promise to call
when he was on his way up to the Hill.
At 4:20 Josh called to say he was running on time for the meeting and to let
Donna know to expect a delivery from the pharmacy. Josh didn't elaborate
as to what was being delivered and Donna didn't push. About half an hour
later the guard called Donna to let her know Josh had a delivery. It
turned out to be two things actually, the bag from the pharmacy and basket of
assorted chocolates and nuts from Senator Stackhouse. Donna carried both
back to Josh's office. She put the prescriptions on his desk and the basket on
the table under the chalkboard, but not before she opened it a little and snuck
out a few pieces of chocolate and a handful of mixed nuts.
By 7:30 she was still waiting for Josh to get back and she was starving.
Quickly leaving a note for Josh she made her way down to the Mess for something
to eat. As was usually the case by that time of night, all the good stuff
was pretty much gone so Donna settled for a tuna sandwich and a bowl of
broccoli and cheese soup. With the latest copy of Cosmo spread out in
front of her Donna settled in to eat, read and wait for Josh.
A few minutes before 8 Donna looked up to find Josh walking towards her.
As was her custom she tried to read his mood as he walked across the
room. It wasn't too hard to tell how he felt physically. The slight
limp was proof of his exhaustion and the lines on his forehead and the fact
that he was rubbing his eyes gave away his headache. Emotionally he was a
little harder to read. He gave her a weak smile that let her know he was
in need of a friend.
"Hey," he mumbled as he sank heavily into the chair opposite Donna.
"Rough meeting?" she asked as she pushed the remaining half of her
sandwich across the table towards him. To her surprise he picked it up
right away and started eating.
"Not too bad, just long. The whole day's been long. You
weren't kidding about keeping me busy were you?" he asked with a smirk.
"Not at all. Your stuff came from the drug store. How did it
go with Dr. Collins?" asked Donna, not bothering to beat around the bush.
"OK, I guess. He didn't take what I said about not being able to
tell when I'm in trouble very lightly."
"I didn't imagine he would."
"He wants me to try Paxil. He said to give it a month and see if it
helps. I complained that the sleeping pills knocked me out for too long
so he changed to Sonata. I can take it after I've tried to sleep on my
own. I only have to have a 4 hour window until I have to get up."
"That sounds better than what you were taking. What else did he
say?"
"Keep busy, call him in a few days to let him know how I'm doing on the
Paxil, come in next week and try to remember that you're only trying to
help." he said with a grin.
"Sounds like a very smart guy," said Donna. "You want
something more to eat?"
"No, I'm good; we actually had stuff to eat in the meeting. So how
much work do I have to get done before I can get out of here tonight?"
"Not much, you'll be in bed by 10:00."
"I never thought I'd admit this, but going to bed early--that sounds
nice." said Josh with a grin as he stood up.
For most of the week things were on an even keel. Josh seemed to be
coping fairly well. He'd started taking the Paxil with breakfast each morning
and he had been doing fine with it. After trying to settle down on his
own he took the Sonata on Wednesday without any side effects or
complaining. Donna did her best to keep him busy as well as have him home
at a decent hour. Not an easy juggling act but with help from Leo they were all
managing.
Friday Josh woke up stiff and sore for no apparent reason. It was
something that happened once in a while and a hot shower usually helped.
It did but it also left him running a bit late. He swallowed the Paxil
tablet on the way out the door, planning on grabbing something in the Mess on
his way to his office. Donna met him at the door telling him he was
needed in the Oval Office. He handed her his coat and backpack, took a
file from her and went on his way to meet with the President.
An hour later Charlie called to say Josh had just run out of the Oval Office
with his hand over his mouth. Donna found him in the men's room. He
was alone so she snuck in and locked the door behind her. Josh had just
come out of the stall looking rather pale and completely mortified.
"Sit," she said as she took him by the hand and steered him towards
the counter. He sat down on the counter and leaned against the wall, the
cool tile feeling rather nice against the side of his face. "Here,
take a drink," she said as she handed him a cup of water. He rinsed
his mouth a little and wiped his face with the damp towel Donna handed
him. "Feel any better?" she asked as she tossed the towel and
the cup in the trash.
"Yeah, I think I'm ok. I didn't eat anything this morning and I took
the Paxil. I'm sure that's all it was." he mumbled.
Donna wasn't convinced. She put her hand on his forehead, he was cool, no
sign of a fever. "OK, you're cool. Ready to get back to work?"
"Yeah, let me just...." muttered Josh as he cocked his head towards
the stall.
"OK, but if you're not back in five minutes I'm coming to check on
you."
Josh laughed and muttered something about mother henning under his breath as he
slid off the counter and went to use the bathroom.
Donna went back to Josh's office. She found a can of ginger ale in his
fridge and set it out on his desk before she headed to the Oval Office to pick
up everything Josh had left there when he ran out. After assuring the President
that Josh would be just fine she went to the Communication Bullpen to also
assure Toby and Will that Josh was ok. She found the two speechwriters in
Toby's office working on the President's remarks for the dinner he was
attending tonight. Donna knocked lightly on the door frame.
"Hey guys."
"Hey Donna," answered Will, "How's Josh?"
"He's fine. Forgot to eat with his medication this morning."
"Good we need him to give us a hand. Send him over here when you see
him," muttered Toby without really looking up from the legal pad he was
writing on.
"How about you give him twenty minutes to drink some ginger ale and
relax?" sighed Donna.
"Yeah whatever," Toby mumbled.
Will just looked at his new boss and wondered how he could be so insensitive at
times. Donna turned to leave but the sound of Toby's voice made her turn
around.
"Here, wait a second," he said as he walked to his desk and rummaged
through the bottom drawer. "Give him these and tell him to take his
time," he said as he handed Donna a sleeve of Saltines. Donna just
stared at him for a second. "They're Andi's. She's got crackers
stashed all over the district," he said with a slight grin.
"Thanks."
Donna found Josh standing against the wall behind his office door.
Luckily she had had a hunch that's where he would be and she didn't open the
door with her usual force.
"Here, Toby sent these over," she said as she handed him the
crackers. "From Andi's secret stash."
"Thanks," he said as he pulled the sleeve open. "So is everyone
making fun of me?"
"No, not at all. They were all just a little worried. There's
your stuff from the Oval Office," she said, motioning towards the files
she had just tossed on his desk. "Toby and Will need your help when
you're ready."
"OK, give me a few minutes."
"I told Toby to give you 20 minutes, you have 14 minutes left," said
Donna as she glanced at her watch.
Josh was fine the rest of the day. This led him to the conclusion that he
really needed to eat something when he took his medication. He was tired
by the time the day ended a little after 8 but he didn't feel the bone numbing
exhaustion that usually crept up on him by the end of the week. He wasn't
in the mood to be alone so he asked Donna to come over to his place to order
some dinner and watch a movie. She was more than happy to take him up on his
offer.
Saturday passed without a problem. Donna had made plans weeks earlier with
her friends but she offered to cancel them to spend time with Josh. He
had declined, not wanting her to put her entire life on hold just to keep him
together. Sam had stepped in to volunteer to keep Josh company but more
than anything Josh just wanted to spend some time alone. He cleaned his
apartment in the morning, a task that was long overdue. He wandered
around a couple of the Smithsonian museums in the afternoon and met Sam for a
drink later that evening. Donna checked in with him around 9:00. She was
happy to hear he was relaxing on the couch, already in his pajamas. They
talked for a while until it was clear Josh was minutes away from nodding off.
After hanging up the phone Josh hauled himself off the couch and down the hall
to bed. He slept soundly for a few hours until a nightmare woke him a
little after midnight. It had been a while since he'd had one this
bad. The one he had had on the couch the week before was nothing compared
to this one. When he caught his breath enough to think straight the only thing
he could think of was how he wished he wasn't alone. He knew Donna rarely
went to bed early, mostly due to the outrageous hours she worked, so he decided
to take a chance and call her.
"Josh, what's wrong?" asked Donna as she clicked on the phone after
checking the caller ID. "Josh," she repeated when he didn't respond.
"Never mind, it's late. I shouldn't have called," he whispered
suddenly feeling guilty.
"Josh, you didn't wake me. I swear I was still up. What
happened?" she asked as she stood up to go find her shoes as she knew
she'd be heading to his place in a matter of minutes.
"It's silly, I had a nightmare. I'm fine; I'm going to go back to
bed."
"Josh, do you want me to come over?" she asked softly.
"No...yes...I don't know," he said, silently cursing how pathetic he
must sound.
"Give me 15 minutes," said Donna, already pulling on her coat.
"You don't have to..."
"Josh, I'm coming over because I want to. Deal with it."
Josh muttered his thanks and smiled to himself as he hung up the phone.
He crawled out of bed and threw on his flannel bathrobe and went to the kitchen
to put on the tea kettle. He got out a pair of mugs and put the basket of
tea bags on the counter. He laughed to himself, not quite believing that
he actually had a nice basket of tea bags in his kitchen. He wandered around
the apartment until he heard Donna use her key to left herself in. He met
her at the door and stood there, trying not to throw himself in her arms.
She smiled warmly and kissed his cheek.
"You ok?"
"Yeah, you really didn't have to come over," he said as he led her to
the living room.
"Josh, please, it's not a problem, you're not imposing. Remember
what Dr. Collins said, I'm only trying to help."
"I know. It's just that...." The whistling of the tea kettle
caused Josh to stop mid-sentence. "You want some tea?"
"Sure, thanks."
They settled down on the couch, side by side, as they had so many times in the
past. Josh fidgeted while he drank his tea, trying to decide if he wanted to
talk, if giving voice to his fears and nightmares was the way to go.
Knowing him as well as she did, Donna could tell he was struggling.
"Josh, you want to talk about it?" she asked as she turned sideways
on the couch to face him, reaching out to pat his hand.
He sighed, unsure of how much he should tell her. Should he reveal the
horror of his nightmares to her? Would that be fair?
"Josh, talk to me, please," she said as she took his mug from him and
reached out to rub his back. "Is this about the nightmare?"
Josh just nodded and took a deep breath. "It was about Joanie and
the fire."
Donna nodded and then motioned for him to continue, sure there was more to the
nightmare.
"Having a nightmare about Joanie isn't that uncommon. It's usually
the same; she calls to me to save her and before I can I wake up in a cold
sweat. This time was different. It was...there was...Joanie wasn't
the only one calling to me from the fire."
"Who?" asked Donna.
The look on Josh's face gave her the answer. He didn't need to vocalize
the fact that in his dreams he heard her voice along with the voice of his beloved
sister.
"Oh Josh," whispered Donna as she started to reach for him. He
stiffened a little and backed into the corner slightly. Donna took the
hint and just reached out to hold his hand instead, giving him the space he
needed but the connection he wanted.
"I couldn't save either of you. I heard you both and I couldn't do a
damn thing. Just like in the real fire," he said miserably.
"Josh, you were only 4 years old. You did what Joanie told you to
do; you ran out and got help."
"But I was too late."
"Yes, you were. And nothing is going to change that."
"I know. And I've some to terms with that over the years. But this
nightmare was different Donna. I couldn't save you," he said, his
voice cracking slightly.
Donna opened up her arms as an invitation. An invitation Josh quietly
accepted. He settled in her embrace, his head resting on her chest, arms
around her waist. Within minutes Josh had fallen asleep. Donna knew
she should wake him and send him in to bed but sitting there holding Josh in
her arms she found her ability to comfort him, well, comforting to her.
She stroked his hair and kissed his forehead, all the while ignoring the
warning bells that were going off in her head.
As she watched the clock on the VCR turn to 2 she realized she needed to get
up, her leg was asleep and Josh would be miserable if he spent the night curled
up as he was. She ran her fingers through his hair. "Josh,
wake up a little. Come on, time for bed."
"Hmm?" he mumbled as he sat up stiffly.
"Go back to bed. You need anything, water, Advil?"
"Yeah, both would be good, thanks," said Josh as he stumbled down the
hall.
When Donna got to Josh's room she knew she had a choice to make. Stay or
go? And more importantly, if she stayed, where would she stay? Josh
had made it pretty clear where he stood; he was curled up on the far side of
the bed, waiting for her. Donna ignored the bells, handed him the water
and the Advil and grabbed a pair of pajamas to change into. By the time Donna
got back Josh was snoring softly. She curled up against his back, one arm
wrapped around his waist.
Their peaceful slumber was once again broken by a nightmare. Josh woke up a
little before 4:30 shaking and shivering, with tears streaming down his
face. Even in her sleep Donna reached out for him and took him into her
arms. Josh relaxed in her arms but fought sleep like he frequently did
after a nightmare. Eventually Donna opened her eyes to find Josh sitting
on the bed looking out the window at the sunrise.
"Josh," she said quietly, not wanting to startle him.
"Yeah,"
"Did you go back to sleep?"
He thought about lying but knew he rarely got away with it. She knew when
he was lying, it was a gift, she said. More like a curse, he thought to
himself. "No, I tried but I..."
"Fought it until the sun came up?" she asked with a grin as she sat
up next to him.
"Something like that."
"Josh, you need your rest. Why don't you lie down and try to go back
to sleep? There's not much you need to do today. We can relax, hang out
in our pajamas, order food. Sound good?"
Josh nodded tiredly. He curled back up and Donna covered him up.
"You sure we don't need to go into work?"
"No, there are only a few things that need to be done. We can do
them here. You sleep and I'll run to the office and get the files."
"OK," he agreed with a weary sigh.
Donna's quick trip to the West Wing ended up being longer than she had
anticipated. She was stopped by Leo and the President. They wanted
to know how Josh was doing. She was honest; he seemed to be doing fine
but she had a nagging feeling things were starting to go downhill. It was
just a feeling, she had nothing concrete to back it up other than an
understanding of Josh Lyman that only one other person in the world had.
Josh was still sleeping when she got back. He was pretty restless and had
kicked the quilt off. She covered him back up and kissed his cheek.
A frown came across her face as she realized he was pretty warm. Pressing
her hand against his forehead caused his eyes to flutter open.
"Hey, you ok? You're a little warm," she asked as she sat down
on the edge of the bed.
"I feel like crap," he whined as he rubbed his eyes.
Donna handed him the water and got up to go find the thermometer.
"Here," she said as she came back in the room and handed him the
thermometer. "You want some juice?" Josh nodded.
Donna left the room again. Josh followed her wrapped up in the quilt. He
flopped on the couch. The thermometer beeped and he took it out,
squinting as he tried to read the results. He gave up and handed it to
Donna.
"100.9 and I'm making you an appointment with the eye doctor," she
said with a grin.
"Please, I just saw the shrink, I have an appointment with the
cardiologist tomorrow and I'm sure you'll be having me go visit the medical
unit in the morning."
"You got that right. Here take these," she said, handing him
some Advil and a Paxil tablet." "What do you want to eat?"
He thought for a minute. He wasn't really hungry but knew he had to eat
something. "My throat's killing me, there any ice cream in the
freezer?"
"Yeah," said Donna as she headed for the kitchen.
Josh took it easy for the rest of the day. He was cranky but did buckle down
and get the work done that Donna had picked up from the office. In
Donna's unlicensed medical opinion he had a common cold but she planned on
sending him to visit the White House doctor in the morning, just to make
sure. Dealing with Josh when he was an emotional wreck was enough; she
didn't need him to be really sick on top of everything else.
By dinner time on Monday night Josh was exhausted, cranky, feverish and
hungry, not a good combination for him. He had just come from the
cardiologist and he was in the mood to be left alone. Donna got him
something to eat and all but locked him in his office. He still had one
more meeting in the Oval Office before he could even think about going home.
The meeting went ok. Nothing great, nothing terrible. Josh had been
rather quiet, something that didn't happen all that much, so it was noticeable
to all the Senior Staff. Leo called Josh into his office after leaving
the Oval. He just asked Josh if he was ok and if there was anything he
could do to help. Josh thanked him sincerely and headed for his office.
Donna was on the phone when he got there so he went wearily into his office and
flopped in the chair with his feet on the window sill.
"Hey, you almost ready to go?" asked Donna as she came into the
office and leaned against the sill, next to Josh's feet.
"Yeah, you leaving with me?"
"No, I think I'm going to stay and do a few things. I'll be out of
here by 10."
"I'll stay. You shouldn't have to stay and pick up the slack cause
I'm....I'm..."
Donna put up her hand to cut him off. "I'm not picking up your
slack. I have things to do. You, on the other hand my friend, are
done for the night. Oh, what happened at the doctor appointments?"
"Gee I thought maybe you would just forget to ask," he grinned.
"Cardiologist was fine. Didn't change any meds. The usual,
wants me to eat better and exercise more. Doctor downstairs said it's
probably just a cold. Gave me a prescription for a decongestant, said to
come back if I don't feel better in a day or two."
"Well, that sounds pretty good. You want me to stop by when I'm
done?"
"No. I don't think so. I'm going to just take a shower and go to
bed. I'm pretty tired."
"OK, call me if you need me."
Josh smiled warmly, "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
"NO idea but it must have been pretty big," smirked Donna as she
patted him on the shoulder and walked to the closet. "Don't forget
you have Dr. Collins tomorrow at 11 and you have Senior Staff early tomorrow,
6:45. Want me to call you?"
"Yeah, thanks." said Josh as he stood up and slipped on his coat that
Donna was holding out for him.
Donna watched him as he went down the hall. He was limping a little,
obviously tired and she was glad he was heading home reasonably early.
She got a few things done and met with Leo before heading home. They
agreed Josh was doing as well as they had expected but knew they weren't out of
the woods yet. Christmas was still over a week away, Josh was sick and he
had a few crucial meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Josh crashed when he got home. He took some Advil, the decongestant and a
sleeping pill and was out cold 15 minutes after he crawled into bed. He
slept restlessly and slept through the alarm at 5:00. Donna called him at
5:30 and woke him. Knowing him as she did she called again at a few minutes
before 6 just to make sure he was up and moving. He was up but wasn't
moving too quickly. He didn't feel well at all, his throat hurt, his ears
hurt, his head hurt and he was stiff. Donna told him to get moving and
she would see what she could do about rearranging some things during the
day. But Senior Staff wasn't going to be rearranged for one Josh Lyman so
he knew he had to suck it up and get going.
Josh limped into his office with 10 minutes to spare. Donna handed him a
mug of tea and a bagel to take with him to the meeting. She had correctly
assumed he didn't eat and had taken his Paxil. She certainly didn't want
a repeat of what had happened on Friday.
An hour and a half later Josh stormed through the bullpen and slammed his
office door behind him before Donna could even say a word. She was about
to go check on him when Toby appeared in front of her. He told her to go
talk to Leo while he tried to talk to Josh.
The look on Margaret's face when Donna got to Leo's office was one of
sympathy. She announced Donna who went in after taking a deep breath.
"What happened?" asked Donna, not bothering with a greeting.
Leo motioned for her to sit on the couch and he took a seat in one of the side
chairs.
"He, uh, went off a little," sighed Leo as he rubbed his eyes.
"Oh God. As bad as two years ago?" asked Donna as she leaned
over with her elbows on her knees.
"Well, he didn't yell at the President. He was just very...I don't
even know how to put it...at the beginning he was very defensive about
everything. Didn't want to listen to anyone else's point of view.
Stuff like that."
"Then what?" asked Donna, knowing there had to be more to the story.
"He got quiet, really quiet. Kind of moved into the corner and
didn't have anything to add. That wasn't that unusual for the last few
days. But even when asked a question he didn't say much. It was
like he was withdrawing right before our eyes."
"Great, now what?"
"I think it's time to consider Plan B," said Leo.
"Time to get him out of town for a few days?"
"I think so. What do you think?"
"I don't know. He's got an appointment with his therapist at
11. Josh's good about allowing Dr. Collins to talk to me. I think I
want to get his opinion. Can you hold off on making a decision until
then?"
Leo nodded. They stood together and Donna turned to leave when Leo took her by
the arm and gave her an unexpected but much appreciated hug. The tears
Donna had been holding back started to flow. Her display of emotional was
clearly more than Leo could handle and he called for Margaret. He kissed
Donna on the forehead and headed to the Oval Office. Margaret came in
armed with tissues and a bottle of water.
Meanwhile in Josh's office Toby was sitting in one of the visitor's chairs
engaged in a staring contest with Josh. It wasn't like Toby to get
involved in personal issues but he felt a bond with Josh that had started after
Josh had been shot. It was something he couldn't explain and he did his
best to hide it. Just as he did to hide his true feelings for Sam.
"OK, Josh, I have work to do and I don't have all day to sit here and
stare. You going to talk or not?"
"Not," Josh spit out bitterly.
"Damn it Josh, you don't have the market on being depressed this time of
year. Suck it up and get over it," yelled Toby as he stood up and
walked towards the door. Josh just sat there, a little shocked that Toby
yelled at him. Toby but his hand on the door knob and took a deep
breath. He knew he couldn't leave things as they were. He turned back
towards Josh who had stood up and was staring out the window.
"Josh," he said softly, "You want to go get some coffee or
something? Talk or whatever?" muttered Toby.
Josh glanced at his watch. "Yeah, I have about an hour until I have
an appointment. Go stake out a table in the Mess I need to talk to Donna
for a minute."
"OK, you want me to send her in?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Donna came in quietly, not sure what to expect. Josh had his back to her,
staring out the window. She closed the door behind her and moved to stand
next to him. Josh flinched when she reached to rub his back. Donna
didn't back away and continued to try and comfort him.
"You ok?" she whispered, already knowing the answer, but asking
anyway.
Josh shook his head. "I think I'm in trouble," he sighed.
"I think you're right. Why don't you go with Toby for a little
while? I'm going to work on rescheduling some things for the next few
days. I'd like permission to talk to Dr. Collins, is that ok with
you?"
Josh nodded; "I'll have him call you later." sighed Josh as he took a
few steps back and leaned against his desk. Donna turned around and moved
to stand in front of him. She tentatively reached out to brush back his
hair and feel his forehead. He was warm as she had expected.
"Don't feel any better?"
"No, throat still hurts and my whole head is just clogged up," he
whined.
"Yeah, sounds that way. Did you take something?"
"Yeah," said Josh as he glanced at his watch. "I'm going
to go meet Toby. I suppose we'll be sitting down with Leo later?"
Donna nodded and gave him a sad smile. Josh grabbed his coat and his
backpack before leaning to kiss Donna lightly on the cheek.
"Thanks...for everything."
Toby was waiting for Josh in a corner of the Mess, he was already on his second
cup of coffee and was beginning to think Josh was going to stand him up when
Josh pushed open the door and walked in. He got himself a cup of tea,
knowing coffee wouldn't sit too well on his stomach.
"Do you think I'm losing it completely?" asked Josh before he even
sat down.
The question caught Toby off guard and his first response was too laugh.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to...to laugh," he said, stumbling over his
words slightly.
"That's ok," sighed Josh as he sat down. "But seriously,
what the hell am I going to do?"
"You're asking me. I'm not exactly qualified to give that kind of
advice. I mean, look at me, do I look like I'm the picture of mental
health?" snorted Toby as he lifted his mug to take a drink.
"No, not really. But with Sam gone things are different now...."
"What about Donna, can't you talk to her?" asked Toby
"I can and I do but I just don't want to have to depend on her so
much. I feel like she spends as much time taking care of me as she does
working for me." he sighed.
"Aren't those the same things?" asked Toby, unable to resist teasing
him a little, just to get him to smile.
"Cute," grinned Josh. "So I guess I'm going to get it from
Leo later."
"Josh, he's not mad at you. And before you ask, neither is the
President. Everyone is just worried about you."
"Great, just what I need, my friends spending the holidays worrying about
me."
"Well, that's how it is, deal with it."
Josh finished his tea and glanced at his watch. "I have to go, time
to have my head examined." he said as he stood up to leave. "Thanks
for the talk."
As Toby watched him leave he knew whatever he'd said had no effect at all on
Josh. He also knew he hadn't exactly done his best to talk to him.
Maybe he'd try again in a day or two, he thought to himself as he finished his
coffee and headed back to his office.
After his session with the therapist Josh took a lunch meeting on the Hill
and then headed back to the White House. While he was in the meeting Dr.
Collins called Donna and they talked for a long time about Josh. Dr.
Collins agreed with Donna that a few days away would probably be a good
idea. He didn't really have any luck helping Josh to discover the true
reason he felt they way he did. And Dr. Collins was beginning to suspect
that there was no "one" thing that was wrong. He also suspected
that a large chunk of Josh's problems stemmed from the fact that he was simply
overwhelmed, with work, trying to sort out his feelings, trying to escape the
holidays and being sick certainly wasn't helping the situation.
By the time Josh got back from the Hill a little after 2 Donna and Leo had had
a long lunch together and made some plans. She was at her desk
rearranging some more of Josh's appointments when he limped by on his way to
his office. She saved the document she was working on and headed into his
office.
"Josh, Leo wants to see us when you're ready," said Donna as she went
around his desk and sat on the corner, next to where his feet were propped up.
"What, no coffee? Cause I think now would be a good time to bring
the coffee," Josh said using the sarcasm he frequently hid behind instead
of showing his true emotions.
"Josh," Donna started, choosing her words carefully, "You're not
being fired. No one is mad at you. You need to understand
that. I talked to Dr. Collins earlier and then Leo and I had lunch, we
came up with an idea that we think is a good idea. We want to run it by
you and see what you think. We're not ganging up on you and we're not making
decisions for you. Understand?"
Josh, nodded, not trusting his voice. He pulled his feet off the desk and
scooted his chair towards Donna. She had her hands folded in her lap and
he covered them with his own hands. He looked in her eyes and started to speak
a few times but nothing came out. Donna untangled one of her hands and
ran it through his hair. She slid off the desk and stood in between
Josh's knees as he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around her waist and rested
his head against the soft cotton of her sweater. Donna fought back her
own tears, kissed the top of his head and pulled him to his feet.
"Let's go, Leo's waiting."
The walk to Leo's office was a silent one. Josh limped along like a man
headed for the electric chair. Donna was trying to convey a confidence
she didn't really feel. She knew the decision that she and Leo had come
to, with the help of Dr. Collins, Dr. Bartlet and the President, was the right
one. Josh was creeping closer to the edge every day. And the last
thing she wanted to have happen was for him to take that final step.
Margaret waved them in when they arrived. She squeezed Donna's hand as
her friend passed by. Leo was on the phone when they stepped in the
office. He waved them towards the couch. Donna took the suggestion and
sat down on one end of the couch. Too full of nervous energy and way too
fidgety Josh paced around the room at a dizzying pace.
Leo got rid of the person on the other end of the phone. He took a look
at Josh pacing around the room and sighed much like the father of an overactive
toddler. He gave a weary nod of his head in Donna's direction.
"Josh," said Donna as she pointed to the other end of the couch.
Josh took the hint and sat down with a heavy sigh. "So, am I being
sent to Yemen, The Yukon, Siberia?" he asked bitterly.
"How about southern California?" asked Leo.
"Huh?" asked Josh as he picked up his head and looked at Leo and then
Donna.
"We think maybe it's time for the Bartlet administration to put in some
face time for Sam's campaign," explained Leo.
"And you decided the person most likely to go off the deep end was the guy
to send," he snorted.
Donna rolled her eyes, unfortunately things were going about the way she had
planned. Josh was well on his way to getting overly defensive.
"Josh, that's not what we're doing," she said as she scooted over a
little closer to him.
"Josh, look, you're not doing well at the moment. I don't want to
just send you out of here for a few days. Having you sit around at home
brooding isn't going to help you either. So we decided maybe a trip to
California would be good," said Leo as he leaned forward in his
chair. "It's a legitimate trip, you'll will be working, you're not
going to be getting a tan on the beach."
"And exactly who decided this?" asked Josh without looking up at
either Leo or Donna.
"Myself, Donna, Dr. Collins, the President,"
"What, you didn't consult my mother and the First Lady?" sneered
Josh.
"I didn't tell your mother what we decided. But yes, of course I've
talked to her over the past few days," said Donna. "And as for
the First Lady, she just wants you to make sure your ears are clear before you
fly."
"Gee, I see you've thought of everything. Are my bags packed too, do
I have to leave out the back door?"
Leo looked at Donna and saw the pain in her eyes. He knew Josh was about
to cross over a dangerous line and say something that might really hurt
her. Leo took a deep breath, "Donna, could you excuse us for a
little while?"
Donna looked at Josh who nodded a little, letting her know it was ok.
"Sure, Josh I'll be in your office when you're done." She left
quickly, closing the door behind her.
"OK, you want to be pissy, be pissy at me, don't be pissy at Donna.
She's done nothing but look out for you, love you and put up with all kinds of
crap from you over the past few weeks. You want to yell, yell at me."
"What's the point to all this? Just fire me and get it over
with," said Josh, a little louder than he should, being right next to the
Oval Office. The sound of his raised voice caught the attention of Jed,
who was more or less waiting in the Oval for the inevitable explosion in the
Chief of Staff's office. Jed opened the door and stuck his head in Leo's
office, Josh didn't notice him. Leo did but didn't say a word to Josh.
"Josh, you're not being fired. We are not out to get you. We
are worried about you, plain and simple," said Leo as Josh got up to walk
to the window.
"I know you're trying to help, you, Donna, him," he said motioning
towards the Oval Office. "But at what point do I become a
liability? At what point are you going to give up on me?" asked Josh
as he leaned forward a bit and rested his head against the window. The
cool glass felt good against his feverish forehead.
Leo looked over his shoulder at Jed, who was stepping further into the room,
clearly getting his own thoughts together before he said anything.
"Josh," he said quietly.
Josh's posture stiffened and he turned around, squaring his shoulders as he
did. "Sir, how long have you been here?" he asked.
"Long enough," said Jed as he took in Josh's tired, pale
appearance. "Sit, you look like you're about to fall over," he
said, motioning towards the chair. He settled himself on the couch while
Josh took a seat in one of the chairs next to him. Leo had quietly excused
himself from the room.
"What about the press? Isn't it going to look a little strange that
all of the sudden I'm in California?"
"No, you are going out there to help Sam. That's the truth and
that's all anyone needs to know. Now, finish up what you need to do
today, take some stuff home for tomorrow. Your flight leaves on Thursday
morning."
"I'm banished from the White House until my flight leaves?" asked
Josh, keeping his tone calm in respect to the President.
"No, but I know you don't feel well and maybe taking a day to recover is a
good idea," said Jed with a small smile.
"Mrs. B's idea?" asked Josh.
Jed nodded with a grin, "Something like that."
"When do I come home?"
"Christmas Eve, late afternoon I think,"
"Christmas Eve? You sure that's a good idea?"
"Leo and I thought maybe you'd like to spend Christmas Day with
Donna."
"Thanks, I think I'd like that. Sir, I'm sorry for the way I've
acted these past few weeks. I just... I don't know...I couldn't..."
"Joshua," said Jed, cutting him off, "It's ok. Don't worry
about it. Go, feel better, have a nice time in California."
"Thank you sir," replied Josh as he shook the hand Jed held out to
him.
By 7:00 that night Josh and Donna were back at his place. Despite his
protests, Donna had escorted him down to the medical unit to be checked out one
more time. The doctor diagnosed a sinus infection and put him on
antibiotics. His ears looked ok so he was cleared to fly out on
Thursday. They stopped by the deli for sandwiches and were currently
stretched out on the couch eating and watching television.
"Did you bring work for yourself for tomorrow?" asked Josh.
"Yeah, I was planning on working here with you, if that's ok,"
replied Donna, answering his real question.
"Great. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something?" he said,
with a shy tone in his voice.
By the time Donna looked up to answer him he had lower his eyes back to the
sandwich in his hand. "That would be nice," she answered in the same
slightly shy tone.
The rest of the night was spent watching television and talking about nothing
important. After a long internal debate Donna decided to spend the
night. She listened to the warning bells in her head and made the
decision to sleep in the guest room. Josh was clearly not in favor of
that decision but he said nothing. Donna did allow herself to tuck him in
and stay until he drifted to sleep at little after midnight. She had a
feeling he wouldn't sleep through the night. So she left the door to the
guest room open so she would hear him if he got up during the night.
As Donna had predicted Josh didn't sleep. She heard him up and walking
around a mere hour after she'd tucked him in. She was pretty sure he
hadn't really slept at all. Josh was in the kitchen opening and closing
what sounded like all of the cabinets in the room. Donna got out of bed
and threw on Josh's robe she'd stolen from the hook on the bathroom door.
He didn't hear her get up and she was able to watch him for a minute as he
rummaged around the cabinets and the fridge. Donna was pretty sure he had
no idea what he was looking for, if anything. Josh hadn't bothered to
turn on the overhead light so the room was only lit by the small light over the
stove so he was basically stumbling around in the dark.
"Josh?" she whispered, trying not to startle him.
He jumped despite Donna's attempt to whisper.
"You ok?" she asked from the doorway.
He just shrugged his shoulders and opened the refrigerator for the third time
in five minutes. He pushed a few things around and closed it without
taking anything out.
"Josh, do you want something? Are you hungry?" asked Donna as
she walked all the way into the room.
"Don't know," he whined.
"Thirsty?"
"Maybe," he whined.
Great, thought Donna, he's now entered his whining phase. She wasn't too
sure she was up for a whiny Josh who clearly had no idea if he was tired,
hungry, or whatever. She knew if she was going to stay up with him she
needed something so she filled the teakettle and put it on the stove. Not
bothering to ask Josh if he wanted tea she took two mugs out of the cabinet and
got two tea bags out of the basket, green with lemon and ginseng for herself
and chamomile for Josh.
She sat on the counter while the water heated. Josh paced aimlessly
around the room without saying a word, his thoughts clearly miles away.
The whistling tea kettle brought him out of the daze. He poured the
boiling water while Donna got him the milk and grabbed a spoon from the dish
drainer.
"You want to go into the living room?" asked Josh, speaking in a
complete sentence for the first time since Donna had come into the room.
Donna nodded and followed him. Josh settled himself down on one end of
the couch, Donna claiming the other end for herself. It was rare that
they settled down on complete opposite ends of the couch, something that struck
both of them as odd as they took their first sips of tea. The late hour
and the fact that the day had been stressful left Donna with mixed feeling
about getting into a heavy conversation with Josh at almost 2 in the
morning. While she didn't want to discourage him from opening up, she
wasn't going to push him. So she sat and waited for him to either talk or
fall back to sleep.
"I've been thinking about something these last few days. Something
serious," said Josh as he put down his mug and picked at a loose piece of
yarn on the afghan he'd tossed over himself.
Donna bit back a sarcastic comment about how he should be doing a lot of
thinking. Instead she nodded for him to continue. Josh took a few
deeps breaths and stretched uncomfortably. She tugged lightly on the leg
of his pajama pants to get him to pull his feet up and put them in her
lap. At first he seemed a little unsure of the contact but eventually he
pulled his feet up at he took one final deep breath before talking.
"I've been thinking about leaving?" he said as he glanced away,
unable to look Donna in the eye.
Donna swallowed hard. "Quitting?"
Josh nodded. "I think maybe it's for the best if I just
disappeared."
"Best for whom, for you, for the President?" asked Donna trying to
hold herself together. She knew if she let her emotions get the best of
her Josh would completely fall apart. Deep down she knew he'd probably
fall apart before dawn but she was trying to hold off on that happening until
they'd talked some more.
"I'm a liability. I'm not doing anyone any good," he said
bitterly.
"Joshua, you know that's not true. You've had a rough couple of
weeks, no one will deny that. You're trying hard to work through
things. Give yourself some time."
"How much time? How much time can I honestly expect people to pick
up my slack?"
"OK, let's get some things straight. Yes, you are having trouble,
you haven't been yourself but you haven't exactly been hiding in a cave.
You're going to work; you're doing your job. Are people picking up after
you in your wake? No, not at all. Have you been short tempered and
moody, yes? Have you exploded in the Oval Office, no, not that I know
of? And believe me I would hear about it." she said with a slight
grin.
Josh returned the grin, to Donna's delight.
"People are worried about you, that's true. But that's because they
care. No one is pissed at you, I guarantee that."
"Leo's pissed at me," he whined as he started to pull his feet away.
Donna grabbed his left foot and kept his feet where they were as if to say,
don't run away from me.
"Leo's not pissed at you. He doesn't want you pissed at
anyone."
"He was worried I was pissed at you," Josh admitted softly.
"I know," said Donna as she reached to pat his knee. "I'm
not now, nor was I ever pissed at you. At least not since this whole
thing started," she teased.
"Good to know. So I should just forget I even thought about
quitting?"
"Yes. Anything else you want to talk about?"
Josh just shrugged, which was the reaction Donna expected. "You been
doing ok on the Paxil? No side effects?"
"I'm fine as long as I eat, but I'm not sure it's working. By the way,
thanks for the granola bars and peanut butter crackers you stuck in my
backpack."
"No problem. And you need to give it more time to work, it's only
been a week. You really need to eat more, you're a little skinny,"
she teased as she leaned over and snuck her hand under his t-shirt and poked
him in the ribs.
"Stop, that tickles," whined Josh as he grabbed her hand and pressed
it to his side. He was very warm. That surprised Donna who couldn't
believe she hadn't noticed he was running a fever. It was then that she
realized that with the exception of pulling his feet into her lap she hadn't
touched him at all. And that was just odd; they were so physical with
each other. She reached over to flick on the light on the end table so
she could get a good look at him.
Josh moaned as he shielded his eyes against the bright light. Donna moved
his hand and he squinted a little as his eyes adjusted. "What?"
he whined.
"You look like crap," she said as she felt his forehead.
"Good, cause that's how I feel," he whined as he reached for a tissue
to blow his nose.
"And you're burning up. You could have said something," Donna
pointed out as she grabbed the thermometer from the end table and shoved it in
his mouth. "Stay here," she ordered as she got up to get him
some Advil and a glass of water.
The thermometer beeped as Donna was coming back into the room. Josh
pulled it out and didn't even bother to try and read it himself. He
handed it to Donna and took the pills and the water from her.
"101.5," announced Donna with a frown. She took the water glass
from him and put it on the coffee table. "OK, it's 2 in the morning
and you seem to be wide awake. You want to take a pill?"
That question earned her the expected shrug of Josh's shoulders, along with a
sigh.
"OK, let me try this another way. It's 2 in the morning and I'm
tired," she smirked. "So what do you want to do?"
His shoulders shrugged again and Donna tried to be annoyed but he looked so
pathetic huddled under the afghan that she couldn't be annoyed. His eyes
were glazed over from the fever, his nose was red from blowing it every 5
minutes and he was in need of a haircut so his curls had reached a new level of
unruliness.
"Come on," said Donna as she stood up and reached to pull him to his
feet. She pushed him in the direction of his room before going into the
bathroom to get him a pill, whether he liked it or not.
As she expected Josh was curled up on the one side of the bed, leaving her
plenty of room. Weighing the sound of the warning bells against the
prospect of Josh sleeping soundly if she were nearby she handed him the pill
and crawled in next to him. Donna flicked out the light and spooned
behind him, wrapping her arm around his waist and pulling him towards her.
"Thanks," Josh whispered his voice barely loud enough to be heard.
"You're welcome. Just relax and close your eyes. Wake me if
you need anything."
Josh nodded slightly and closed his eyes.
The next morning, while Donna took a shower, Josh talked to his Mom on the
phone and started to pack his clothes. Donna came out of the bathroom
wearing Josh's flannel robe and a towel wrapped around her head. She sat
down on the edge of his bed and rooted through the clothes he was packing,
tossing things out, mostly dress clothes. She got up and pulled some more
casual clothes out of the closet as he wrapped up his phone call.
"Donna, I'm going to help out Sam's campaign, could I look decent?"
he whined as he pulled socks and boxers out of a drawer and tossed them on the
bed.
Donna snorted, "Since when do you care what you look like? I can guarantee
Sam is not wearing a suit and tie everyday. OK, one suit, 3 shirts and
three ties, one pair of dress shoes. And where is your bathing
suit?"
"My what? Donna when was the last time I wore a bathing suit?"
"No idea, but you're going to southern California, you'd better come back
with a little color."
"I'll burn."
"Wear sunscreen."
"Why do I get the feeling you'll be checking for tan lines when I get
back?" teased Josh.
"You wish. Now, where are your shorts?"
"In the box marked "shorts" in there," said Josh, pointing
towards the walk in closet.
Donna hunted through the box and found the two pairs of cargo shorts she'd
picked out for Josh the previous summer. "Here, pack these,"
she said, tossing the clothes at Josh. He finished packing and Donna
steered him to the couch. He took the opportunity to flick the TV to ESPN and
stretch out.
"No TV, you've got work to do. Here, read these note cards, see if
you can understand them."
"You mean see if I can read your handwriting?" he smirked.
"Funny boy. Let's see who's making his own note cards soon."
Josh turned his attention to the note cards and the various files Donna tossed
at him. He worked with minimal complaining for about 2 hours. About
11:30, Donna came back from the kitchen where she had been making tea to find
he'd tossed aside all remnants of his work and curled up under the
afghan. She put his tea on the coffee table and perched on the edge of
the couch.
"You ok? You want to take a break?" she asked as she pressed
her hand against his cheek. "You're not running a fever.
"Yeah, I need to take a break. I can't concentrate, must be the
medicine," muttered Josh as he flicked on the television.
"I don't think antibiotics make you loopy," said Donna as she tried
not to laugh.
Josh motioned for Donna to sit with him. She grabbed some files and
settled down on the end of the couch. Josh tossed the pillow in her lap
and curled up, just as natural as could be. Josh flicked through the channels
until it was time for CJ's noon briefing. They watched as CJ was her
normal poised self through the briefing. The nation and for that matter
the world was actually pretty quiet as Christmas approached, something that
didn't normally happen. As she was about to wrap it up she said she had a
few scheduling items to go over.
"Here it comes," muttered Josh.
".............And one last item, starting tomorrow Deputy Chief of Staff,
Josh Lyman will be spending some time in the California 47th giving our
favorite Congressional candidate some support."
A few hands shot up in the air and CJ took a question from Danny.
"Is there some significance to the timing of Josh's trip?" asked
Danny, clearly fishing for a story. "It is only a few days away from
Christmas."
"First of all Daniel, check your calendar, it's a week before
Christmas. Not to mention, Josh doesn't celebrate Christmas. The
President feels that it is time that someone from this administration put in
some face time in California. That's all there is to it. Any other
questions? Good, see you back here later."
"That went well," said Donna as she brushed back Josh's unruly hair.
"Well? I don't think so. Danny's on his way back to his desk
to start snooping," whined Josh.
"What exactly is he going to find? Nothing, there is no story."
Josh opened his mouth to say something when the phone rang. Donna grabbed
it, not caring that it was Josh's home.
"Hello. Hi CJ, yeah we saw it. Here's Josh."
Josh sat up and took the phone. Donna took the opportunity to get up and
go find something for lunch. Ten seconds into the conversation Josh got
up and started pacing so she couldn't really hear his end of the
conversation. The next time he passed by the kitchen it was clear he'd
been passed on from CJ to Leo. From what Donna could hear the
conversation was laid back; Josh was chuckling a little and he was grinning
when he came into the kitchen for a bottle of iced tea. It was almost an
hour later when he finally hung up. He found Donna in his bedroom packing
the heating pad and his blue pajamas.
"What happened? Have to talk to the entire West Wing?" she
teased.
"Pretty much. And Mrs. Bartlet wanted a medical update too,"
said Josh as he put the suitcase on the chair and flopped down on the bed.
"You hungry? I put some soup on the stove. I could make grilled
cheese. Sound good?" asked Donna.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I'll give you a hand," he offered.
"No thanks, I don't want germs in my food," she teased.
"But you can come in the kitchen and keep me company."
They worked for a few hours after lunch, until Josh started fading around
3:00. While he slept Do