If It Takes All the Future, We’ll Live Through the Past

CJ just stared at Margaret for a second, not sure exactly what to do. As the White House Chief of Staff, her first instinct was to start handing people their heads on silver platters. But there were a few things wrong with that idea. Firstly, one of those "heads" didn't work for her anymore so the threat of firing wouldn't really work, and secondly, the one that did still work for her, well, being ripped a new one wasn't exactly what he needed at the moment.

"CJ?" Margaret repeated for the third time, bringing the woman in the stained blouse back to the present.

"Get me 2 glasses of ice, 2 napkins and Donna," CJ said with a sigh as she pushed her chair away from her desk. "And if you happen to see Josh anywhere, nail him to something," she added as she pulled a box of M&Ms from her desk drawer. It was fast becoming a chocolate kind of day.

Donna appeared in the doorway a minute later, followed quickly by Margaret, who quietly dropped off the items CJ had requested and beat a hasty path back to her desk, or as hasty a path as was possible in her current condition. Eyeing the 2 glasses of ice and the napkins, Donna raised her eyebrows to ask the silent question.

"Margaret didn't tell you?" CJ asked, sure her assistant wouldn't have been able to convince Donna to come running without so much as an explanation. Donna just shook her head and dropped into a chair as a strange, and all too familiar, sense of dread settled over her. "I don't know why or how or any details but apparently Josh and Toby were just going at each other in Toby's office."

"Yelling?" Donna asked, but given the ice on the desk, she already knew the answer to her question. "About what?" she whispered.

"Don't know. But I'm pretty sure they weren't fighting about what they thought they were fighting about. I'm sure it had to do with brotherhood and grief and regrets and hard feelings...and two pig headed men just being...themselves," CJ said. That hadn't quite come out the way she had intended but Donna completely understood the "language of the sisterhood".

"So where are they?" Donna asked as she picked up a glass and a napkin.

"I think Toby's in his office. I don't where Josh is. MARGARET," CJ yelled.

"I threw him in his old office," Margaret called back from where she had been listening on the other side of the door.

"Good luck," CJ called as Donna silently left the room, ice and napkin in hand. Although the walk from CJ's office to the Operations Bullpen was a short one, the sheer number of emotions that went through Donna's head was fairly amazing. She felt bad that Josh had fought with one of his best friends, she was more than a little anxious about seeking him out to comfort him as that hadn't been her place for a while, she felt awful about Toby's brother, she'd just heard the news that morning. But most of all, she was completely unsure of what to do. Six months earlier she would have just flung open Josh's door, made some smart ass remark and took him into her arms. But that scenario just didn't seem right. Too many things had changed. They had both moved on, separately. The line they had toed for years seemed to have dropped through the floor, leaving behind a deep chasm she wasn't sure they would ever be able to navigate.

But at the root of everything and despite everything, Donna still considered herself and Josh to be friends. And so she decided to do what any good friend would do, offer an ear and if needed, a shoulder to cry on.

She stopped at the door to his old office unable to just fling it open and let herself in. She knocked softly and called his name. She wasn't expecting an answer and she didn't get one, so she opened the door and went in. "Josh?" she said softly as her eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room. The lights were all off and the shades were drawn. The room smelled a little musty, not the comforting scent she'd come to love over the years, the combination of coffee, paper fresh from the copier, peppermint LifeSavers and Josh's cologne.

Josh was sitting on the floor, his back against the bookcase, knees pulled up, head tipped back, staring at a spot high on the opposite wall. Donna turned on the small lamp on the desk and he blinked a few times against the light before he turned his head just enough for Donna to see the fresh tear tracks on his cheeks. It took all she had not to scoop him up into her arms. But at that moment, that wasn't who they were and it wasn't what they did. "Can I sit?" she asked as she grabbed a few tissues out of the box on the desk, one of the few things on the dusty oak surface. Josh just nodded and went back to staring at the wall. He did take the tissues from Donna and made a half hearted effort to wipe his face. As he did Donna noticed he kept his left arm resting over his knees. Without thinking she picked up his hand and set it in her lap as Josh flinched, from her unexpected touch and the pain that shot through his hand. His pinky finger was rapidly swelling and there was a bruise starting on the back of his hand. Donna smiled sadly and wrapped some ice in the napkin. She moved his arm so his elbow was resting on her knee and his hand was hanging out over the floor so the melting ice wouldn't get both of them soaked. She pressed the ice against his hand and waited for him to talk as he hadn't said a word since she had arrived.

"How much do you know?" he whispered a minute later as he tipped his head back again and closed his eyes to avoid catching Donna's eye.

"You and Toby were fighting, that's all I know."

"Yeah," Josh sighed as he sniffed a little, wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve like a little kid. "I don't even know how it happened. I went in to talk to him about David. You do know about David right?" Donna just nodded. "I asked him if he wanted to out to get something for lunch. Next thing I know, we're arguing about Senator Rafferty, Matt Santos, loyalty. Toby accused me of jumping ship and not farming out stuff before I left. Which, by the way, isn't exactly true. I called him a son of a bitch and I threw a file at him, he threw one at me and the next thing I know I was going after him. We grappled around, threw a few punches, I think he hit his head; my hand got slammed against something. Honestly, I'm not even sure what we were fighting about; it all happened so fast. It was like we were two kids fighting on the playground over something stupid. It was like we were...."

"Brothers?" Donna guessed.

The proverbial little light bulb went on over Josh's head. "It wasn't about me, was it?"

"Probably not. I mean, I'm sure some of it was but Toby's hurting and now that David's gone you're the closest thing to a brother he has. You were there and David wasn't. He's hurt and feels betrayed. And you were there so you both got out of control and things got physical. He's grieving and he came back too soon. Not unlike someone else I know," Donna added as she recalled Josh getting into more than his share of arguments in the weeks after he returned from his father's funeral. Josh nodded in agreement.

"So now what?" he asked.

"You both take some time to calm down. You take the meetings I'm sure you have this afternoon and then tonight you go to the thing and when you see Toby you be a man and not walk in the other direction."

"I haven't been real good about resorting to manhood lately," Josh snorted. "Well, other than that unfortunate display of caveman-hood we had a little while ago," he added with a grin that gave Donna the first glimpse of the old Josh Lyman she'd seen since they been singing at his desk the morning of the day she quit.

"You make a gesture, an offer to talk or go out for a drink. I'm sure Toby's feeling badly about this whole thing too. But remember to be gentle with him, he's in a lot of pain and he doesn't know how to deal with it."

"I know the feeling," Josh whispered softly as he pulled his left hand from Donna's grasp. He flexed his fingers a little, making sure he hadn't done any real damage. "Thanks for looking for me. I know things have been...awkward lately. I guess that's the best word for it." Donna nodded in agreement but didn't say anything. She wanted to see what Josh would do, what he would say. Nothing happened, as his cell phone rang. Trying to act as if she didn't care, Donna stuffed the napkin and the melting ice in the glass and stood up. She was almost to the door and holding back tears of...she didn't even know what, when Josh's voiced pulled her back. She turned to see him holding his hand over the phone, obviously still in the middle of his call. "You going to the thing tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe we can have a drink and talk or....or something," Josh stuttered.

"I'd like that," Donna whispered as she turned back around, eager to leave before the tears started. She made it back to CJ's office before she needed a tissue. CJ was already back, sitting on the couch she had her feet on the coffee table, eyes half closed, tears streaming down her own face. Donna closed the door with enough force to let CJ know she was there. She crossed the room and plopped herself down next to CJ. CJ reached to give Donna's hand a squeeze. "How's Toby?" Donna finally asked.

"I don't know. He cried himself to sleep," CJ answered quietly. "Sometimes life just sucks...big time."

"Amen to that," Donna sighed as she handed CJ the box of tissues off the side table after taking a few for herself.

Margaret knocked lightly on the door a few minutes later with a stack of files and phone messages for CJ along with two bottles of water and a fresh box of tissues. "Thanks," CJ muttered as she stood up and ran her fingers through her hair.

"I'll just be going," Donna said as she motioned towards the door. She deftly caught the water bottle CJ tossed her.

"Do me a favor?"

"Check on Toby?"

"Yeah."

"That's where I was headed," Donna said with a smile as she headed out into the hall. She took a quick trip through the Operations Bullpen first, just to make sure Josh wasn't holed up in his old office brooding. The light was off and the door was locked so she headed over to Communications. Ginger wasn't at her desk so Donna knocked lightly on Toby's door. She didn't get an answer but decided to peek in anyway. As predicted, Toby was sound asleep, curled up on the couch. CJ had tossed an afghan over him and pulled his shoes off before she left. Donna took a step inside and quietly closed the door behind her. She surveyed the mess, files and papers everywhere, paperweight on the floor, trash can knocked over. She picked up the trash can and the paperweight and was just about to start on the files when Toby started stirring a little. She sat down on the coffee table and gently reached out to rub Toby's shoulder.

"Hey," he mouthed, not quite making a sound. He sat up a little, motioning for Donna to join him on the couch. Donna slid off the coffee table and curled up in the corner of the couch, facing Toby. He turned a little, mirroring her position as he tossed the afghan aside and ran his hand over his face, grimacing when his fingers came in contact with the cut on his cheek. Donna reached to turn his head a little to get a better look at the wound. It didn't look too bad and he didn't flinch too much when she dabbed at it with the damp cloth. "How much have you heard?" he asked as he leaned against the back of the couch, propping up his head with his right hand.

"Enough I guess. I'm so sorry about David," Donna replied sadly.

"Thanks," Toby whispered. It was clear he was on the verge of saying more, he opened and closed his mouth a few times and drew a couple of deep breaths but never quite got any words out before fresh, unexpected tears sprang to his eyes. Like with CJ, he made no real effort to hide them from Donna. She pulled him close and rubbed his back for a minute. "It wasn't like it seemed," he said cryptically as he pulled back just enough to look Donna in the eye. "It wasn't the cancer. David...David didn't want to be a burden on his family. He didn't think it would be fair to them. So he...he...." Toby stuttered, unable to finish the sentence. But Donna got the point and her own tears started. Toby leaned forward a little, resting his forehead against Donna's, tears from both of them rolled of their faces, landing on their hands which were clasped tightly in Toby's lap. "He went into the garage and closed the door," Toby explained with a sob, even though the question hadn't been asked. She said nothing; what was there to say?

Eventually Toby sat back up a little, wiping his face on his sleeve much like Josh had a short while earlier. "When Josh came in earlier...I don't know. We started a pissing contest and things just got out of control," Toby said as he gestured around the room and for the first time noticed Donna had picked up a few things.

"I know, I saw him afterwards."

"Is he ok?" Toby asked, genuinely concerned about Josh.

"Yeah, I think so. Banged up his hand a little. You're about even in the physical injury department," she teased lightly as she pointed towards the cut on his cheek.

"I said some things I shouldn't have said. We weren't really fighting about Senator Rafferty and health care and loyalty."

"I know. It was a brotherhood thing. And knows that too," Donna assured him.

"Explained it to him?" Toby snorted.

"Of course," laughed Donna as she reached for the bottle of water she'd brought in with her. She took a sip and held it out for Toby.

"Sorry," Toby said sheepishly when he realized he'd gulped down half the bottle. "So guess that a little weird, running after Josh to make sure he was okay."

"Well, for starters, I didn't "go running". Margaret sent him to his old office and I went to check on him. But yeah, it was strange. Part of wanted to just burst in and hold him but a bigger part of me remembered the fact that that's not what we do anymore. And it hasn't been for a while now. So I sat with him, put some ice on his hand and we talked for a little while. Nothing...nothing intimate, nothing like before. Just about the time I couldn't take the "distance" between us, his phone rang. I got up and left, no kiss, no hug...nothing. He asked if I wanted to get a drink or something at the thing tonight. I told him I'd like that and I left." Donna finished the water and tossed the empty bottle in the trashcan. "I miss him so much," she sobbed as Toby opened his arms to her. Tears once again flowed from both of them, tears for lost lives and for lost loves. For the finality of death and the fear that things could never be the same, they held on to each other like a lifeline.

"What is it you want?" Toby finally asked as the tears dried and they were able to pull themselves together just a bit.

"You'd think that would be an easy question to answer," Donna muttered as she got up off the couch to pace for a minute. She picked up a pile of papers and tossed them on Toby's desk as she gathered her thoughts together. "If you had asked me that question they day I left, the answer would have been...I want it all, the knight in shining armor on the white horse coming to whisk me away from my small life."

"Ah, a few problems with that scenario," Toby pointed out as he stood up to fold the afghan. "It's hard to turn a wrinkled suit into shining armor and a Volvo into a horse but more importantly than that is the fact that you were leading anything but a small life. You were working in the White House."

"I know."

"And now. What do you want now?"

"I suppose that deep down I still want the same thing. But the idea of it just seems to move further and further out of my grasp. What I'd really like now is for things to go back the way they were when Josh flew halfway around the world to be with me. I mean...I took that as a sign."

"We all did," Toby muttered under his breath.

"Then what the hell happened?" Donna snorted, loudly. "What the hell happened?" she repeated. "We get back here, he's all attentive, helping me out, being nice and then BAM, I get back on my own two feet and....nothing. We're back to snarking; it was like nothing had changed."

"Can I be honest?" Toby asked with a grin as he leaned against the front of his desk.

"Always Toby," Donna replied with a wink.

"You can't blame everything on him. God, I can't believe I'm defending him," Toby laughed.

"I know. He sent me an email, the day he resigned. He was apologetic and sincere and he basically bared his soul. Without actually saying it, he told me how he felt. He took his part of the blame. As far as what happened after Germany his "version" of the tale is pretty much the same as mine. By him flying to Germany we had crossed this line we have worked so carefully to toe for years. And we both got scared. We weren't ready to face things and we slipped back into old habits. He said he was sorry from the bottom of his heart and that if it was time I needed, he would give it to me."

"And what happened?"

"I got scared and didn't respond, other than to say I had read it. I guess took that to me that I needed time."

"You did need time," Toby assured her as he held out his hand to her to keep her from taking another trip across the room. "And now you've had time. Now what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to have a drink with him tonight. And I'm going to just try and enjoy whatever happens. Years ago I came to the conclusion that I'd rather have Josh as a friend for life than a lover for 6 months. I don't know if I'm ready to risk everything we have, or I suppose everything we "had" would be more correct," Donna whispered. "I used to dream that the minute I didn't work for him that Josh would climb on that white horse and come after me, because we'd be free to do whatever we wanted without the fear of repercussions. But life's funny some times.

"Life just sucks sometimes," Toby corrected.

"CJ just said the same thing," Donna grinned. "She's a smart lady."

"That she is," Toby agreed with a smile on his face. He put his arms around Donna's neck and pulled her close, until she rested her forehead against his. "We're all going to be fine. It may take a long time but we're all going to be fine. Be gentle with him and with yourself."

"I will. And take your own advice too. You need to take some more time off. Go back to spend time with David's wife and his kids. Take the twins, be with your family," Donna urged him as she put her hands on his hips. She lifted her head a little and stood up on her toes slightly to plant a kiss on Toby's forehead as her pager vibrated against her hip. It was from Will, he was looking for her. "I have to go. You'll be at the thing tonight?"

"Yeah. So I guess I should talk to Josh," he mumbled as he looked down at his shoes.

"Yes," Donna said as she reached out to tip up his chin. "You both need to resort to a little "manhood"," she teased. Toby laughed and pushed himself away from the desk. He walked Donna to the door. "Thanks," he muttered in what could only be described as a shy tone as he kissed Donna on the cheek.

"See you tonight," Donna called over her shoulder as she walked through the Bullpen.

*****************

By the time Donna had arrived that night the event was already well underway.

When Josh had asked her to have a drink her acceptance had just flown out of her mouth before she could really think about it. She'd made a promise to herself not to fall under the spell of a pair of big brown eyes and a set of killer dimples. Too much time had gone by and too many tears had been shed for them to just forget about the past few months and move on as if nothing had happened. She'd been hurt and if pressed, she would have to admit that Josh had been hurt too. As busy as they both were, she didn't think now was the time to sort everything out and hopefully move on, maybe even move on together. Life on the campaign trail took more energy than she had remembered and she didn't think she had the energy to devote to....to whatever when it came to one Joshua Lyman. Despite what she'd said to Toby, she wasn't ready for the knight on the white horse, not that Josh was anywhere close to donning some armor and climbing on a steed.

As she checked her coat and glanced in a nearby mirror to check for stray lipstick on her teeth she thought she was prepared for whatever the evening had in store for her.

What she was not prepared for, however, was for the first person she saw to be Cliff Calley. But there he was, walking with CJ of all people. Cliff glanced in her direction and gave a little wave. She waved back but made no move to approach him as CJ was basically propelling him across the room like she was a woman on a mission. Donna made a mental note ask CJ about that later. Donna grabbed a glass of white wine from a passing waiter and glanced around the room. She saw Toby walk across the room and head out the door, to the bar downstairs she correctly assumed. He gave a little smile in her direction and pointed towards the main entrance to the ballroom.

As expected, his gesture lead Donna's eyes right towards Josh. He was coming in with Congressman Santos and a few others she recognized as campaign staffers. He had that look of determination and slight arrogance she's come to know and love over the years. He spotted her right away and gave a small smile and then an apologetic look when he realized he didn't have time to stop and talk. "Do good," she mouthed, it was her long standing phrase of encouragement to him. And he laughed when he realized what she had said. It had been way too long since she'd so effectively bungled English grammar for him. But as she walked away she cursed herself for saying it, for falling back in to the familiar pattern of dealing with Josh. Little was familiar anymore and it was time she remembered that.

Donna mingled with a few people, had a few whiskey sours and was on the verge of boredom when a booming voice called her name from behind. "Donnatella Moss," Jed Bartlet said, letting her full name roll off his tongue in an Italian accent. She quickly put her glass down and turned around to greet him.

"Mr. President, it's so good to see you," she said as she extended her hand, which he effectively batted away with his cane. He pulled her into a surprising and much appreciated hug.

"It's good to see you too. Come, have a seat for a few minutes," he said as he motioned towards one of the sets of tables and chairs which had been set up around the perimeter of the room. "So how's life on the campaign trail?" Jed asked as he sat with a sigh.

"It's good. Busy but good. How are you?" she asked as she eyed the cane which Jed was unconsciously tapping on the floor.

"I've been better. But then again, I've been worse. I've found that if I listen to my wife and my doctors that life is easier all around. So I do, even if that means taking a nap in the middle of the day," he replied with a smile.

"I'm thrilled if I get a chance to sit down in the middle of the day and rest for ten minutes," Donna said with a smile. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Josh cross the room, headed for Matt Santos.

"Have you talked to him lately?" Jed asked as he followed her gaze and realized who she was looking at. His question took Donna slightly by surprise and she wasn't quite sure how to answer it.

"Uh, we bump into each other pretty frequently on the trail," Donna said, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

"Not exactly what I meant," Jed said with a wink.

"No, we haven't really talked in a very, very long time," Donna said sadly. She was more than a little surprised she was having this conversation with Josiah Bartlet.

"Well, no time like the present, so I will make myself scarce," Jed said as he saw Josh start to walk over to them. He picked up his cane and stood up. "Don't be a stranger," he said as he leaned over to kiss the top of Donna's head.

"Take care sir. And don't forget to listen to your wife," Donna added with a grin. Jed chuckled as he headed to meet a few more people and shake a few more hands.

"Hey," Josh said nervously as he neared the table. He gestured towards the chair Jed had just vacated. Donna just nodded a bit, giving him permission to sit. He had a drink in his hand and set it down next to Donna's empty glass. "Uh, sorry do you want this one? Or I...I can get you another," he stuttered as he sat.

"I've had enough," Donna said as she pushed the glass aside a little.

"Second one," Josh said, as he tried to tease a little.

"I didn't ask," Donna said pointedly.

"I noticed," Josh said with a sigh. He was beginning to think maybe coming over was a bad idea. But earlier Donna had seemed pleased with his invitation to have a drink with him. But now he wasn't so sure.

Donna, for her part, was determined to act as casual as possible. It wasn't that she was trying to act as if she didn't care at all she just really didn't want Josh to know how he'd hurt her and how much she missed him. Maybe it was a childish thing to do but after 3 whiskey sours, she didn't really care all that much.

Holding their emotions in check was a high wire act for both of them. And neither knew how long they could keep it up before they went crashing to the floor.

"So having fun?" Josh asked as he fidgeted with the little straw in his drink.

"Not particularly," Donna muttered as she shrugged her shoulders.

They exchanged a few more meaningless pleasantries until they were both about to just call it quits and head their separate ways.

"So, have you talked to Toby?" Josh asked, hoping that changing the subject to something more serious and worthy of actual conversation was the way to go.

"I talked to him for a little while earlier this afternoon."

"How was he?"

"Sad. He's sorry things ended up the way they did between the two of you. But you two can talk about that later. I mean, I assume you haven't talked to him yet," Donna replied as she pulled the straw out of Josh's hand as he was still playing with it and flicking Jack Daniels and Coke all over.

"I haven't talked to him," Josh said as he pushed his glass back and forth between his hands, sliding it on the glass table top. Donna grabbed it from him and put it on the other side of the table. "What is it with you?" he asked, a little harsher than he had anticipated.

"You're just being...being....annoying," Donna said, echoing his tone.

"You never cared before," he spit back having the sinking feeling the conversation was about to take a nosedive. "You used to find me charming," he added for good measure.

"There was a time that I did find you charming. But right now, not so much," Donna replied bluntly and without much emotion.

"Maybe this was a mistake," Josh muttered. Donna just shrugged her shoulders determined to act indifferent. But as hard as she tried she couldn't hide all of her true feelings. "Do you want to go outside or something, get some air?" Josh suggested.

"I guess," Donna whispered as she stood up. They got their coats and stepped outside. It was warm for February in DC; Josh didn't even bother to button his coat. They walked out onto the terrace on the side of the building.

"Can I ask you something?" Josh asked as they leaned against the wrought iron railing.

"Why not?" she said sarcastically.

"How did you know to come looking for me? After the thing with Toby, I mean," Josh asked, igoring her sarcasm.

"CJ tracked me down. I guess she thought I would want to know. We haven't talked too much lately she doesn't know what's been going on."

"Or hasn't been going on," Josh said, correcting her. He wasn't trying to be mean and Donna let his comment pass her by.

"I felt badly for Toby."

"But you came looking for me."

"CJ went to Toby's office."

"But you came looking for me," Josh repeated.

"Yeah, I did. And honestly, it was not the easiest thing I've ever done," Donna admitted with a sigh as she looked out across the lights of the city, doing her best to avoid Josh's eyes.

"I don't imagine it was. Letting you in wasn't exactly easy either."

"I know," Donna sighed. She took a deep breath and much to her annoyance she could feel her emotions starting to get the best of her.

"I was weird, you know," Josh muttered as he turned to lean back against the railing, facing the opposite way from Donna. "I mean you came in to help me, to check on me but it wasn't the same."

"No it wasn't."

"I mean, you hardly touched me. Remember how it was before? If I was upset the first thing you'd do was give me a hug, before you even gave me a chance to tell you what was wrong." Donna just nodded even though Josh wasn't looking at her. She was eager to hear what else Josh remembered, what other things had stuck in his mind. "You'd always brush back my hair and kiss my forehead. You always listened, no matter how stupid my problems were, you were always there. And I suppose I took that for granted. I took a lot of things for granted," Josh added as he buttoned up his coat against the wind which had picked up. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and waited to see if Donna would say anything. She remained silent, facing away from him, hiding the tears she didn't want him to see. He knew she was crying but didn't reach out to her. He knew, as well as Donna, that wasn't what they did anymore. It wasn't who they were. As long as he seemed to have a captive, although silent audience, Josh continued his musings. "When you agreed to have a drink with me, which by the way, we haven't had yet, I have to admit I was a little nervous about how things would go. And unfortunately, things seem to be going just as I had feared," Josh said as he kicked his toe against the ground.

As predicted, his comment was enough to get Donna to react. But her reaction wasn't what he'd been expecting. Instead of tears he got rage.

"HONESTLY JOSH, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME??!!" she spit out as she smacked her hand against the railing before whipping around to face him. "We've done this two steps forward, one step back crap for years now. Then you took a giant leap across the damn ocean and then...and then nothing. What do you expect from me?" she repeated, quieter this time.

For once Josh was the quiet one, the one who was thinking before he spoke. "I want to go back," he said simply.

"Not possible. We can't live in the past. It's not healthy and it's just...just not going to happen. I owe you a lot Josh, I won't deny that, but it's my time now. I've got a good job, room to grow and people who appreciate me for what I do. People find me valuable," she added for good measure.

"You are valuable and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that," Josh said, desperately trying to salvage something of their conversation. Donna just shook her head at him. "What?" Josh cried, his frustration level and blood pressure rising with each passing moment.

"I'm not interested in standing here in the cold listening to you say whatever it is you think I want to hear," Donna replied as she swiped away the tears that refused to stop.

"Huh?" Josh muttered, not quite sure he had followed what she'd just said.

"Never mind. This was a mistake," she said quietly as she walked away leaving Josh uncharacteristically silent and characteristically completely baffled. It took all he had not to follow her. But it was clear she didn't want to be followed, she didn't want anything he could offer her. Deep down he knew what she wanted, she wanted it all, the knight on the white horse, something he wasn't prepared to give her.

Despite the wind that continued to build Josh stayed outside, pacing the length of the terrace. He thought about how great things had been, every a few short months earlier. It wasn't just Donna though, it was everything. It was life in general, his own sense of worth and value had taken a beating in the past year and a half, he was just now getting back to the point where he felt like he belonged. At least in the professional sense he felt like he belonged, in his personal life, the not so distant past was looking better and better. But like Donna, he knew they couldn't live in the past, it wasn't healthy.

Finally the cold got to him and he headed back inside, feeling more miserable than he had in a long, long time.

************************

Josh had hoped to get inside, find Matt Santos, tell him he didn't feel well, which wasn't completely a lie, and head home. But that little plan failed when he was 10 steps away from the building. The door opened and two men in dark suits and earpieces came out. There was no way to escape and a few seconds later, Josh came face to face with Jed Bartlet. It wasn't that Josh didn't want to see him, in fact he'd been looking forward to trying to get into the Oval Office for a short visit, but Debbie had nixed that idea. And now he was just cold, tired and had a brewing headache, all he wanted to do was to go home and sleep in his own bed.

Jed smiled and gave Josh a slightly guilty look as he took a cigarette from one of the agents. "I won't tell," Josh teased as he held out his hand to his former boss. "It's great to see you," Josh said warmly. Despite the way he was feeling, he was glad to see Jed Bartlet.

"Good to see you too, Josh," Jed said as he flicked the lighter closed and tossed it over his shoulder to the waiting agent. He waved off the pair and they took their post by the door as Jed and Josh walked away from them a little for some privacy. Josh couldn't help but stare at the cane Jed Bartlet was using. It was the first time Josh had seen him use it in person. The day he'd resigned, Jed was stilling using crutches and Josh had just assumed that when the episode was over, he'd be walking on his own. An assumption Jed had had also, unfortunately it hadn't happened. "So, what that Donna I saw running back inside a few minutes ago?" Jed asked with the fatherly tone that frequently appeared when he talked to his staff members, past or present.

"Uh, yes sir, it was," Josh muttered as he shoved his hands deep into his pants pockets.

"Anything you want to talk about?" Jed asked sincerely.

"Honestly? I wouldn't know what to say or where to begin. Let's just say, if we don't get our act together soon I think it will be time to throw in the towel," Josh muttered as he started to pace a little.

"A little early to throw in the towel, don't you think Josh? I mean, you haven't even had a date, right? But then again, there's plenty of people saying you've been engaged in foreplay for years," Jed teased as he lifted his right hand to take a drag on the cigarette. Josh stopped short, nearly tripping over his own two feet as he quickly turned to look at Jed. A smirk was planted on the President's face as he looked at the younger man in front of him.

"Sir, I really can't believe you just said that," Josh said, a look of complete amazement on his face.

"Joshua, while it's true that I've been married for many, many years and that I'm getting old, I'm not as completely oblivious as some people may think," Jed teased as he stubbed out the cigarette with the toe of his perfectly polished wingtip.

"So any sage words of advice?" Josh asked.

"Sadly, I think you're pretty much screwed," Jed teased. He looked up to find Josh's face fall. "Seriously, I think the two of you have been through too much to just throw it all away. Your past is complicated and you need to work through some things. But in the middle of primary season is not the time to do that. My advice, for better or for worse, is to keep in touch. Have coffee once in a while, be friends. And when a winner is declared, and one of you is unemployed, then "make a move"."

"Make a move? What am I 15?" Josh snorted.

"You don't want me to answer that," Jed laughed as he swung his cane around a little. Josh chuckled and ran his hand wearily over his eyes. "Why don't you get out of here? I'm sure sleeping in your own bed sounds pretty good about now," Jed said as he took in the tired appearance of his former DCOS.

"It does. But I think I have one more thing to do before I leave."

"Something that involves Toby?" Jed asked as he brushed back the errant strand of hair that was forever falling down over his forehead.

"You heard?" Josh asked with just a hint of surprise in his voice.

"I hear things. I try to ignore them but I hear them anyway. Give him time," Jed suggested as he and Josh started back towards the door.

"So I guess I just need to give everyone around me a little time," Josh mused under his breath.

"Looks that way," Jed smirked as he nodded towards the agents.

"It was good to see you sir. Take care," Josh said sincerely as he reached to shake Jed's hand. A simple handshake wasn't enough for Jed, who pulled Josh in for a quick hug before plastering on the "I'm wide awake and I'm really enjoying myself" look on his face.

****************

It didn't take Josh long to find Toby. He was still in the bar, working on his third glass of Jack Daniels, no ice. Josh gestured to the bartender to refill Toby's drink and to pour one for him.

"Hey," Josh muttered as he slid onto the stool next to Toby. He wasn't sure what to expect, he was just hoping Toby didn't toss a drink in his face or worse yet, walk away without a word.

"Hey. So what's going on up there?" Toby asked as he picked up David's glasses and passed them back and forth between his hands.

"I don't know. I was outside," Josh said as he blew into his hands to warm them up a little before picking up his glass.

"Outside?"

"Yeah, Donna and I were...we were...I don't know what the hell we were doing," Josh snorted as he knocked back half his drink in a single swallow. "And then the President came out for a few minutes to sneak a cigarette and escape."

"So where's Donna?" Toby asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing between the two of them, without talking about anything they really needed to talk about.

"Don't know. I guess maybe she went home. Things are...complicated to say the least. I don't even want to talk about it," Josh sighed as he finished the drink and signaled for another.

They drank in silence for a few minutes, neither one wanting to the first to bring up the events of the afternoon, even though they both knew they should at least make an effort to talk about it. After finishing off his drink, Toby dropped some money on the bar and stood up. "Let's go. If we're going to eventually resort to manhood and actually talk, I'd like it to be somewhere other than here," he stated simply as he started to walk towards the door. Josh drained his glass and slid off the stool, immediately feeling the effects of the four drinks he'd had that evening. He cursed the fact that he hadn't really eaten anything, despite the vast assortment of food which was circulating around the ballroom.

"You didn't drive did you?" Toby asked as he watched Josh struggle to put his arm in his coat sleeve.

"Uh...no," Josh answered after he took a few seconds to remember how he'd gotten to the event.

"Me either," Toby muttered as he got his coat from the coat check. "Go out and get us a cab while I check in with CJ."

Ten minutes later Josh and Toby were in the back of a cab heading for Toby's place. The fact that Josh hadn't spent more than 48 straight hours at home in the previous 2 months made Toby's place the logical choice. He knew he had the necessities of life, food and booze.

"Pepperoni or cheese?" Toby asked as he surveyed the frozen pizza situation.

"Make 'em both," Josh muttered as he tossed his suit jacket over the back of a chair and loosened his tie a little. Toby turned on the oven and grabbed two beers out of the fridge. Josh eyed it warily for a second, knowing his was pushing his sensitive system by mixing his liquor. But he didn’t want to seem like a wimp so he took it with a grunt of thanks. Toby tossed the pizzas in the oven, not bothering to let the oven preheat.

"I'll be back in a minute," Toby muttered as he set his bottle down on the counter. "Feel free to, you know, whatever," he added as he vaguely gestured towards the television. Josh grabbed the remote and clicked the television to Toby's default channel, which not surprisingly, was CNN. He read the crawl while pulling his tie out from his shirt collar and unbuttoning the top two buttons on his dress shirt. When Toby appeared a few minutes later, Josh was sitting on the couch, feet on the coffee table, flicking back and forth between CNN and ESPN.

Toby grabbed his beer out of the kitchen and took a seat on the opposite end of the couch, to Josh's left. Josh turned enough to look at Toby and the cut on his cheek caught his attention. "Sorry about that," Josh said quietly as he pointed towards the wound.

"Yeah, I know," Toby muttered. "Sorry too," he added as he gestured towards Josh's hand and the bruise which had turned a lovely blue-purple shade during the afternoon and evening.

"Guess that was a pretty pathetic fight?" Josh chuckled.

"Yeah, two middle aged Jewish guys going at it in the White House. Not something you see everyday," Toby said with a grin. "Look, I didn't mean what I said."

"Yeah you did," Josh said. He held up his hand when Toby started to protest. "And that's fine. Maybe I should have talked to you first. But when Santos came to me and said he would only run if I ran the campaign, there was no reason to give it a second thought. There was nothing keeping me in the White House. I needed to try and secure the "9th" year. Would you have really resigned and come with me?"

Toby thought about it for a few seconds before answering. "Probably not. But not because I wouldn't have wanted to. But because I couldn't. It's not just about me anymore. Some things are more important," he said as he gestured towards the pictures of Huck and Molly on the bookshelf.

"Yeah, I understand," Josh said quietly. "Sometimes I wish I had that."

"A set of twins about to enter the terrible twos in a few months?" Toby smirked.

"Well, I don't know about that. But something to keep me grounded. Something besides politics to be a bright spot in my life."

"You could have that Josh," Toby stated simply.

"I'm not so sure. And frankly, I just don't want to talk about it right now," Josh said quietly. And by the look on his face, Toby knew he was serious about not wanting to discuss it. Which was fine with Toby. He'd already spent time talking to Donna about the situation and he doubted Josh's take on the whole thing would have been any different. He figured that after the primaries were over he would sit down with CJ and together they would plan an intervention and knock some sense into their friends.

"When you came in my office today, I was...I wasn't in a good place. You caught me at a bad time."

"Yeah, I guess this past week or so has been nothing but a bad time," Josh said as he turned sideways on the couch, propping his head up with his left hand.

"Pretty much. I wasn't mad at you really. I was mad at..." Toby stopped short. He didn't think he could possibly have any tears left after crying in front of both CJ and Donna but he felt dangerously close to losing it again. He took a few deep breaths and scrubbed his hand over his face in an effort to keep it together.

"David," Josh whispered, completely Toby's sentence. "That's understandable."

"Yeah. But there's more to the story," Toby started. He was unsure of whether to continue the conversation or make an attempt to abruptly change the subject.

"Toby?" Josh said a minute later.

"Josh," Toby said as he suddenly hopped up off the couch and began to pace around. Josh stayed where he was. "David he...he didn't die...it wasn't what it seemed...he took the coward's way out. Things got tough and he ran away."

"Ran away?" Josh asked as it was taking his alcohol addled brain a little longer than it should have to follow the conversation. One little glare from Toby and he got most of the big picture. Toby turned back away from Josh to stare out the window.

"He turned on the car and closed the garage door," Toby said quietly, even though like Donna, Josh didn't ask for specifics.

Josh drew a deep audible breath but didn't say anything. Toby shoved his hands in the pocket of the hooded sweatshirt he was wearing and continued to look out the window. When Josh could see that Toby's shoulders were shaking from across the room he got up and stood next to his friend. He put an awkward hand on Toby's shoulder, causing Toby to jump as he hadn't heard Josh get up.

"Sorry," Josh muttered.

"It's ok," Toby sniffed as he wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "I thought I was all cried out," he mumbled as he turned around and leaned against the window sill. Josh took a quick look around the room for a box of tissues, a roll of paper towels, some napkins or the old standby, a roll of toilet paper to give to Toby who was having a hard time controlling his emotions. He spotted some napkins peeking out from underneath The Washington Post on the coffee table. He handed them to Toby as the timer went off, signaling that their snack was ready. Josh quickly went to the kitchen to pull the pizza out of the oven and to give Toby a little privacy while he pulled himself together.

They ate in silence for a few minutes with ESPN providing a little background distraction.

"So this afternoon, that was just a brotherhood thing, right?" Josh asked, clear out of the blue.

"Donna explain that to you?" Toby teased as he reached for another slice of pizza.

"Maybe," Josh muttered sheepishly.

"Yeah. You were there, David wasn't. You were both pissing me off and you got the brunt of it."

"I wasn't exactly innocent," Josh laughed as he tossed his paper plate on the coffee table and reached for his beer.

"Bet your ass you weren't," Toby snorted.

"We must have looked like complete idiots," Josh mused as he flexed his left hand, wincing slightly as he did.

"Yeah. Suppose we should be glad nobody actually saw us. So I heard Donna went looking for you afterwards," Toby said, just letting that comment linger in the air, curious as to what Josh would say.

"She did. And let me tell you, it was weird. We are so "off" lately I don't know if there's any way to salvage something. But I think I remember saying I didn't want to talk about it," Josh added as he tossed a throw pillow in Toby's direction. Toby caught it and threw it back, hitting Josh on the side of the head, causing him to spill beer down the front of his shirt.

"Hey," he cried as he used the remaining napkins to mop up his shirt. "So we're fine?" Josh asked sincerely a minute later.

"Yeah, we're fine," Toby muttered. "Just don't piss me off anymore."

"I'll try," Josh said with a dimpled grin.

They finished the pizza and watched a Seinfeld rerun before Josh got up to head home. He was exhausted and the headache that had been threatening behind his eyes was nearing the stage that if he didn't take something soon it was going to be closing in on migraine status.

"You ok getting home?" Toby asked as he handed Josh his coat.

"Yeah, I'm gonna walk. Clear my head a little," Josh replied as he pulled on his coat. He and Toby stood awkwardly by the front door for a second. Unspoken emotions passed between them as they both suddenly found their feet rather fascinating. "Thanks for the pizza," Josh muttered as he held out his hand to Toby who took it and pulled Josh in for the briefest of hugs. Josh smiled and turned to leave without another word.

**************

The walk home cleared Josh's head and sobered him up quickly. He took a warm shower and put on some pajamas before making himself some tea and taking some Advil. He turned on his laptop and sat down to run through his email before going to bed.

He took a look at his Buddy List. Donna was online. And for a second he thought about sending an IM to her, even went as far as opening an IM box but at the last minute he chickened out. He honestly didn't know what to say.

Apparently Donna had the same idea, but she actually found the courage to send an IM.

IMPERVIOUS:Hey

ABNER:hi

IMPERVIOUS: Are you sober?

ABNER:I am

IMPERVIOUS:Good. Can we talk?

ABNER:Sure. IM or phone. I'd offer to come over but I'm in my pajamas and I'm fighting back a migraine.

IMPERVIOUS:So you thought reading at the computer would help your head? lol.

ABNER:shut up

IMPERVIOUS:Did you take something? (and yes, I do care)

ABNER:yeah. So, IM or phone?

IMPERVIOUS:IM

ABNER:ok

ABNER:sooooooooo?

IMPERVIOUS:I miss you.

IMPERVIOUS:There, I've said it.

ABNER:miss you too

IMPERVIOUS:What the hell happened?

ABNER:damned if I know

IMPERVIOUS:You're not helping.

ABNER:honestly?

IMPERVIOUS:Yeah.

ABNER:we got scared, or at least, I did. I don't want to speak for you

IMPERVIOUS:Got scared too. Still am.

ABNER:me too

IMPERVIOUS:I'm sorry about earlier.

ABNER:no need to be.

ABNER:you were right

IMPERVIOUS:About what?

ABNER:that we can't go back to live in the past

IMPERVIOUS:yeah

ABNER:"if our lives were that simple we'd live in the past"

IMPERVIOUS:Jimmy Buffett?

ABNER:of course

IMPERVIOUS:Any other words of wisdom from the song?

ABNER:If it takes all the future, we'll live through the past

ABNER:still there?

IMPERVIOUS:If the phone doesn't ring it's me.

ABNER:how'd you know

IMPERVIOUS:Google, lol. And let's not forget...There are oceans of feelings between us, currents that take us and sweep us away

ABNER:obviously

IMPERVIOUS:You want to try having a drink again soon. Since tonight pretty much sucked.

ABNER:I'd like that

IMPERVIOUS:Are you going to be around for a few days?

ABNER:yeah, heading out to Atlanta at the end of the week.

IMPERVIOUS:Me too

ABNER:drinks tomorrow?

IMPERVIOUS:How about dinner?

ABNER:even better, I'll call you in the afternoon

IMPERVIOUS:Good. Did you talk to Toby?

ABNER:yeah, just got back from his place

IMPERVIOUS:And? lol

ABNER:we're cool

IMPERVIOUS:Well, not really lol

ABNER:you wound me

IMPERVIOUS:Get over it. How is he? He really wasn't doing too well this afternoon.

ABNER:think he's ok. he told me some things I think he needed to share

IMPERVIOUS:About David?

ABNER:yeah, he told you everything?

IMPERVIOUS:Yeah. I just can't understand how someone could think that the world would be better off without them.

ABNER:I can

IMPERVIOUS:Josh (insert my concerned voice, lol)

ABNER:I'm fine. I can just understand

IMPERVIOUS:OK. How's your head?

ABNER:hurts

IMPERVIOUS:Then turn off the computer and go to bed.

ABNER:I will. It's just that we haven't had a decent, civil conversation in a long time, didn't want to ruin it

IMPERVIOUS:I know what you mean. But don't worry, I'll still be around to talk to you tomorrow

ABNER:promise?

IMPERVIOUS:Yes Joshua, lol

ABNER:ok,just checking

IMPERVIOUS:Go to bed.

ABNER:I will. Thanks

IMPERVIOUS:For what?

ABNER:for having the courage to press send, lol. I couldn't do it

IMPERVIOUS:three glasses of wine helped lol

ABNER:ah. Goodnight Donnatella

IMPERVIOUS:Goodnight Joshua.

*********

Josh shut down the computer and brushed his teeth. He crawled into his own bed feeling better than he had in weeks.

A mile away, Donna snuggled under her quilt with the very same feeling.

THE END

Back to Musings of the Misdirected

Here are the complete lyrics to--If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me by Jimmy Buffett

There are oceans of feelings between us

Currents that take us and sweep us away

That’s why we seldom have seen us

In the light of a cold hard day

Lots of new friends with the same old answers

Open your eyes

You might see

If our lives were that simple

We’d live in the past

If the phone doesn’t ring

It’s me

If the phone doesn’t ring

You’ll know that it’s me

I’ll be out in the eye of the storm

If the phone doesn’t ring

You know that I’ll be

Where someone can make me feel warm

It’s too bad we can’t turn

And live in the past

If the phone doesn’t ring

It’s me

I’ve had good days and bad days

And goin’ half mad days

I try to let go but you’re still on my mind

I’ve lost all the old ways

I’m searchin’ for new plays

Puttin’ it all on the line

Lots of new friends with the same old problems

Open your eyes you might see

If our lives were that simple

We’d live in the past

If the phone doesn’t ring

It’s me

If the phone doesn’t ring

You’ll know that it’s me

I’ll be out in the eye of the storm

If the phone doesn’t ring

You know that I’ll be

Where someone can make me feel warm

It’s too bad we can’t turn

And live in the past

If the phone doesn’t ring

It’s me

It’s me, it’s me

It’s me, it’s me

It’s me, it’s me

It’s me, it’s me

If it takes all the future

We’ll live through the past

If the phone doesn’t ring

It’s me