In a Different Light

Dr. Robert Romano watched as his surgical scrub cap fluttered to the ground some ten stories below. He thought about how easy it would be to just lean forward a little, to shift his center of gravity, to lose his balance. He closed his eyes against the memories of that night in May. The sound of the helicopter a few moments earlier had brought back a flood of memories, the whoosh of the rotor blades, the searing pain, the sight and smell of his own blood. And then the numbness, the nothingness he felt as he had floated between life and death.

As he climbed down from the ledge he heard the door open behind him. When the person didn't say a word he scrubbed his right hand down his face and turned around. Elizabeth stood in the doorway with an unreadable look on her face. Robert dipped his head and looked down at the fingers of his left hand. He tried to flex his fingers as best he could, grimacing against the pain it caused. He heard Elizabeth walk towards him and he braced himself against whatever she was going to throw his way.

When Elizabeth headed up to the roof it was her intention to give Robert a piece of her mind. She couldn't believe he'd gone into surgery like he had earlier that day. But no matter how arrogant Robert was, no matter how much he annoyed her and pissed her off, deep down she felt sorry for him. She couldn't imagine how she would feel if she were facing the possibility of never performing surgery again.

"Well Lizzy, coming up here to make sure I didn't jump? Or maybe hoping I would," he muttered without looking up.

Elizabeth took a deep breath and walked towards him slowly. "No, I just..."

"Just what?" Robert spit out bitterly.

"Forget it. I wanted to make sure you were ok." she said, lying through her teeth. "And now I see that you're not." She stopped to take a good look at him. She couldn't help but notice he was shaking a little and appeared more than a little dazed. "Robert, why don't you come inside," she said, softening her voice just a little as she took a few more steps towards him. "Come on, it's cold out here. Let's go get some coffee. How about something to eat?" She wrapped her arms around herself against the cold night air.

Robert sighed and pushed himself away from the wall with his right hand. He brushed past Elizabeth and headed inside. He jabbed the elevator button with more force than necessary and leaned heavily against the wall while he waited for it to arrive.

They waited in silence, not moving until the bell dinged and the doors to the elevator slid open. When it did Robert entered first and stood in the corner, leaning back as if the wall was holding him up.

Elizabeth noticed how pale he was and the doctor in her kicked in despite trying not to actually care. "Robert, you ok, you look a little pale," she said as she crossed the small elevator car and pressed her hand to his cheek. He was cool and more than a little clammy. He tried to escape her concern but ended up turning too quickly to his left and banging his arm against the railing. He doubled over in pain as he grabbed his left hand in his right.

"Robert," cried Elizabeth as she put her hand on his back and crouched down next to him.

"I'm fine," he said, trying to sound convincing but not even coming close.

"No, you're not," she said as she glanced at the numbers on the elevator. They were at the 5th floor and heading down to the ER. "Can you stand?"

He nodded weakly and took a deep breath before he stood up slowly as the elevator stopped on the ground floor. The doors opened and Elizabeth stuck her head out checking to see how crowded things were. It wasn't too bad. She yelled to Frank to ask what room was open.

"Trauma?" he yelled without really looking up.

"No," she yelled.

"Exam 2 is free." said Frank as he turned his attention back to the newspaper.

Elizabeth looked around one more time, caught Abby's eye and waved her over. Abby stuck her head in the elevator and saw Dr. Romano who appeared to be seconds away from either passing out or throwing up. She and Elizabeth escorted Robert from the elevator, each of them walking along side of him trying to draw a minimum amount of attention from the rest of the staff. They entered Exam 2 without incident.

As Abby closed the blinds Elizabeth got Robert settled on the bed. She pulled off his sneakers and tossed a blanket over him, carefully putting a pillow under his left forearm. She took a quick blood pressure reading and stuck an O2 sensor on his finger.

"What happened?" asked Abby as she stuck the thermometer in his ear.

"Not sure. He obviously had a bad day. He was up on the roof when I found him. He was shaky, pale and a little dazed but said he was fine. Banged his arm in the elevator on the way down. Any fever?"

"Nope, 99.2. You want me to draw some blood?"

"Yeah, get a CBC to start with." Elizabeth pulled up a stool and sat on Robert's left side. She put her hand on his shoulder and he opened his eyes and turned to look at her. "Robert are you having chest pain?"

"Well Lizzy, thanks for remembering I'm still in the room," he snorted, "No, I'm not having a damn heart attack," he spit out. "I'm just tired."

"OK, well, I think you're a little more than tired but if you're not having chest pain I'll hold off on putting you on a monitor. Your pressure's low, your SATs are a little low and your color is horrid so how about a little nasal oxygen."

He agreed with a nod of his head, much to Elizabeth's surprise. Abby adjusted the O2 tubing over his ears and turned on the flow. "Dr. Romano sit up a little so we can get your scrub coat off," said Abby. She raised the head of the bed a little and she held the right cuff of the coat while he pulled his arm out. Elizabeth gently helped him slide his left arm out and get it settled back down on the pillow. She could tell he was trying not to show how much pain he was in.

"You want something for pain?"

"Ibuprofen," he said through clenched teeth.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at him. All the meds available to him at the moment and he picked Ibuprofen. "Abby get him 800 of Ibuprofen after you draw the blood," she said as she grabbed a new chart and started to make some notes.

"You're making a chart? I'm fine, I was just a little dizzy and sick to my stomach," Robert whined.

"Dizzy and sick to your stomach," said Elizabeth as she jotted down a few more notes, "What happened to just being tired?" she asked as she raised her eyebrows.

Caught in his own lie Robert just sank back against the pillows and held still as Abby quickly drew some blood. She pulled the syringe out and pressed a gauze pad to the crook of his elbow. "Bend your arm for a minute. I'll be right back," she said as she picked up the blood sample and headed out the door.

"OK, dizzy and sick to you stomach," said Elizabeth as she turned on the light over the bed and turned off the ceiling light. "Any vomiting?" she asked as she settled down on the chair next to the bed.

"Yeah, twice, this morning and after....uh, after."

"After the incident in surgery?"

Robert nodded.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Breakfast, lunch, I don't remember," muttered Robert.

Elizabeth snorted a little, muttering something about how doctors were notoriously bad about taking care of themselves.

"OK, you want to try and eat something?"

"I don't think I'll keep it down," he sighed.

"OK, let me get an IV started before you start to dehydrate. You want to try some ginger ale?"

"Whatever," muttered Robert clearly annoyed at the fuss she was making over him. He closed his eyes as if to signal to her that the conversation was over.

Elizabeth tucked her hair back behind her ears and sighed. "What they say about doctors being lousy patients certainly applies to you Robert," she said as she pushed the chair back and stood up. "I'm going to go check on your labs and find something for you to drink."

Abby knocked once and opened the door. She handed Robert the pills and poured him a cup of water. "Here," she said to Elizabeth as she handed her his lab results.

Scanning the results quickly she sat back down on the stool. "OK, let's see, blood glucose is low, electrolytes are a little out of balance. Abby, start an IV, let's get him hydrated and then redo the labs. Don't give her a hard time," she teased Robert. "I'll be back in a little while."

"Yes ma'am." smirked Robert as he watched Elizabeth leave the room. He pulled his right arm out from under the blanket and looked away as Abby started the IV.

There was a crowd of various staff members starting to congregate in the hallway outside Exam 2 when Dr. Corday left Robert's room. Kerry caught Elizabeth's eye and waved her over. "What's the story?"

"I'm not sure yet. Labs show low blood glucose and electrolyte imbalance. He's nauseous and shaky. Pressure and SATs are a little low. Started him on nasal O2 and Abby's getting an IV started. We'll repeat the labs after we rehydrate him. He's in a fair amount of pain but insists on just Advil. He's exhausted, cranky and stubborn."

"So he's acting normal?"

"Yes. He's starting to realize that maybe his days as a surgeon are over and I think the whole idea is just overwhelming him. I'll give him a few hours down here before I think about shipping him upstairs."

"Good idea. I think he'll be more comfortable down here. Keep me posted."

"I will."

******************************

Elizabeth headed for the lounge and grabbed a can of ginger ale from the fridge. She got a cup full of ice and a straw before grabbing her cell phone out of her locker. She quickly called her nanny and explained that she probably wouldn't be home that night. As her shift had ended about a half an hour earlier and took off her lab coat and pulled on a sweatshirt before heading back to Exam 2.

When Elizabeth headed down the hall she saw Abby coming out of the room. "How's he doing?"

"OK. Got the IV started, he's dozing."

"Good. You off now?"

"Yeah, I'm going to go change and I'll be back."

"You can go. You don't have to stay."

"It's no problem. I'd kind of like to stick around."

"Sure. I'd appreciate the company."

"I'm going to get some coffee. You want any?"

"That would be great, thanks." said Elizabeth as she pushed the door open. Robert appeared to be sleeping when she entered the room. She did a quick check of the IV site, adjusted the oxygen tubing and checked the pulse ox reading. It was holding steady at 99 with the nasal oxygen. She once again pulled the chair up to the bed and sat down. She looked at the scar that circled Robert's upper arm, just below the hem of his sleeve. Her gaze wandered down the length of his arm ending at his fingers which were curled slightly against the pillow. He rolled a little in his sleep and his hand started to slide off the pillow. She gently propped his hand back up, running her thumb over his knuckles as she did. His fingers curled loosely around her hand, startling her slightly. She must have jostled his hand because his eyelids fluttered and he moaned a little in his sleep. "Shh," she whispered, even though he never really woke up. Elizabeth kept her hand where it was, glad she could offer him some comfort.

She eventually leaned over and rested her head on the bed next to the pillow under his arm, never letting go of his hand.

Twenty minutes later Abby snuck into the room and found the two surgeons sound asleep. She turned down the light, checked Robert's IV and threw an extra blanket over Elizabeth's shoulders. She headed for the lounge where she hoped she would be able to catch a little sleep herself.

Around 1 in the morning Elizabeth woke up to the feeling of Robert moving on the bed. She rubbed her eyes and sat up a little to check on him. He was shaking and sweaty, moaning a little but not saying anything remotely coherent. "Robert...Robert wake up," said Elizabeth softly so she wouldn't startle him. A minute later his eyes opened wide and he gazed at her with a look of confusion and fear. He started to sit up and tug at the oxygen tubing. "Robert, calm down. Lie back down," she said as she gently put one hand on his chest.

Robert shook his head and sat up indian style on the bed leaning over slightly as if he were trying to catch his breath. Elizabeth hit the call button as the pulse ox monitor started to beep. "Robert look at me," she said, putting her hand under his chin and turning his head so she could look him in the eye, "Take a deep breath and hold it." He took a shallow breath in through his mouth, exhaling sharply.

At that moment Abby came into the room. "Thank God," muttered Elizabeth, "Put him on an O2 mask and get some Ativan just in case."

"What happened?" asked Abby as she took off the nasal cannula and replaced it with a mask.

"I thought it was just a nightmare. But I don't know, could have been a panic attack," murmured Elizabeth as she rubbed Robert's back as she watched the numbers on the monitor climb back up to an acceptable range.

"It was a nightmare," whispered Robert as he lifted the mask away slightly so he could be heard. "Can I have something to drink?" he asked before putting the mask back down and breathing deeply.

Abby started to hand him the cup of soda but ended up holding the straw to his lips because his hand was shaking so much. "Dr. Romano do you want some Ativan?" she asked as he put the mask back on and settled back against the pillow still obviously shaky with a vaguely "green" look about him.

He shook his head vigorously. Something that turned out to be a bad idea. He turned completely pale and looked at Abby with fear in his eyes.

"Dr. Corday, a basin," Abby yelled over her shoulder to where the other woman was splashing water on her face to wake up. She grabbed a basin and crossed the room to the bed, almost in the nick of time. Abby barely had time to pull the O2 mask off before Robert retched, completely missing the basin Elizabeth had placed in his lap.

"You got him?" asked Abby as she pulled away the blanket that was now covered in what little Robert had eaten the day before.

"Yeah, get something to wipe his face and find him a clean scrub top."

"Pants too?"

"Uh, doesn't need them yet but grab a pair just in case," she said as Robert retched again. Abby tossed two wet washcloths on bed and went to grab some clean clothes.

"It's ok, just breathe," whispered Elizabeth as she sat down on the bed, slightly behind Robert. She put a cool cloth on the back of his neck, held his head and rubbed his back while he dissolved into a horrible bout of dry heaving. Abby came in a minute later. She tossed the clothes on the window ledge, exchanged the basin in Robert's lap for a clean one and threw a fresh blanket over his legs.

Eventually Robert stopped heaving long enough to sit up a little. Elizabeth wiped his face and helped him out of his shirt. Abby disconnected the IV so they could pull the clean shirt over his head. He rinsed his mouth and settled back against cool cotton of the pillow. He was still very restless and having trouble controlling his breathing.

"Robert, take a deep breath and hold it," coached Elizabeth as she sat down on the edge of the bed, on his right side. He curled up towards her holding his left hand up as if he wasn't sure where to put it so it wouldn't throb so much. Elizabeth took it and gently rested it her knee. She wiped his face and whispered to him to try and keep him from hyperventilating. Her efforts weren't working very well. "Abby you want to find me a paper bag? He's about to hyperventilate."

Abby nodded and found one quickly. She held it over Dr. Romano's mouth and nose as Elizabeth continued to whisper reassurances to him. Eventually he got his breathing under control but was still agitated.

"You want the Ativan?" asked Abby as she tossed the bag aside.

Elizabeth looked down at Robert. He was pale, sweaty and a little dazed but he nodded his approval.

"Two or three?" asked Abby as she grabbed the vial.

Robert held up three fingers, surprising Elizabeth that he accepted the higher dose. Abby filled the syringe and injected it into the IV line as she stifled a yawn.

"Abby go home, get some sleep. We'll be fine. Right Robert?" said Elizabeth as she glanced down.

"Thank you," he mouthed, not having enough energy to speak.

"You're welcome. Feel better," she said as she patted Robert on the shoulder.

"I'll be right back, ok?" Elizabeth asked as she stood up. Robert nodded and curled up a little more. She pulled the blanket up around him and walked Abby out, turning the light out as she did. The Ativan worked quickly to calm Robert down but he was still awake when Elizabeth came back in the room after grabbing a bottle of juice and using the restroom.

She came into the room shaking her head. "How can you still be awake?" she teased as she gave him a big smile.

He gave her a weak smile and shrugged his right shoulder, trying not to move his left arm. Elizabeth slid the pulse ox sensor back on his finger, waited for a reading and hooked him back up to the nasal O2.

"Still hurts from when you hit it in the elevator?" she asked as she pointed to his bad arm.

He shook his head, "No, it's just always stiff and sore in general, really sore at the moment. There's been diminishing sensation lately," he admitted, his voice raspy and weak. He pushed himself up a little on the bed and tried to reach for the cup of soda, coming up a few inches short. Elizabeth grabbed it for him and held to as he drank a good deal of it fairly quickly.

"Damn," he swore under his breath.

"You going to be sick?" she asked as she glanced around for the basin.

"No. It's just...I had a can of soda and a liter of fluid just pumped into my arm. Nature's calling," he chuckled.

"Well, you just had a nice big dose of Ativan and you weren't too steady on your feet before that so walking to the bathroom room is out of the question. I think Malik is on, you want me to send him in?"

Clearly embarrassed by the whole situation Robert weighed his options. "Yeah, send him in."

"You need anything else?"

"How about a blanket from the warmer?" he said as he shivered a little.

"Sure. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Ten minutes later, Robert's call of nature having been heeded, Elizabeth stepped wearily back into the room as she glanced at her watch it was just after two and she had basically be awake for almost 22 hours straight, except for the 40 minute nap she'd had a little while earlier.

"Lizzy, you look like I feel," he teased as she walked to the bed. She spread a warm blanket over him.

"Well, I've been up for almost a day, what you see is what you get," she said as she pulled the chair up to the bed. "Why don't you close your eyes, you really need some sleep."

"I know," he sighed as he shivered a little.

"Cold?"

He nodded. Elizabeth pressed her hand against his forehead. He was fairly warm. She reached over and grabbed the ear thermometer. "101.5, you're going to keep things interesting for the rest of the night, aren't you," she chided gently as she looked at the digital readout.

"What can I say, I'm a pain in the ass," smirked Robert.

"I'm not even going to respond to that. You've had your fill of Advil for a while so how about something to drink and a cool cloth on your forehead?"

Another weak nod. She got him some more ginger ale and a damp cloth. Noticing the IV bag was almost empty she hung another one. Once again she started to pull up the chair but Robert shook his head. "You can't sleep in that chair. Put up the side," he said as he motioned with his chin towards the rail on his left side. Elizabeth eyed him warily but the thought of actually getting a few hours sleep won out and she raised the railing on the bed as he scooted over, curling up on his right side. After kicking off her shoes and pulling her hair out of the bun Elizabeth settled down next to him on the bed, not quite believing what she was doing but too tired to care.

Robert settled down on his side but couldn't get comfortable. He didn't know where to put his bad arm. Elizabeth sat up and grabbed the second warm blanket she'd brought with her. She refolded it so it was warm on the outside and set it on the bed between them so it laid half on the bed and half over her left hip. She patted the blanket and pointed to his arm. "Thanks Lizzy, for everything," he said softly, his voice starting to choke with emotion and pure exhaustion as he settled his arm down on the blanket. The warmth felt good and when Elizabeth reached to gently touch the back of his hand his emotions got the best of him and no matter how hard he tried the tears just started to silently flow down his cheeks. Elizabeth silently wiped them away as fast as they fell. When they slowed she leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Robert's forehead. She set the cool cloth back on his head and he settled himself against the pillow.

Elizabeth tentatively reached to touch his hand again, looking to him for approval. He nodded slightly and gave a weak smile before closing his eyes. She carefully uncurled his fingers and ran her thumb over his knuckles. He sighed a little as she gently pulled his fingers, stretching them a bit. She moved from his fingers to gently run her fingers over his wrist as he finally gave into the Ativan and drifted off.

***************************

Someone opening the door woke Elizabeth a few hours later. She squinted to see Kerry standing by the bed checking the IV. "What time is it?"

"A little after five. I came in early, figured I'd check on him. How's he been?"

"Asleep for about 3 hours. Was running a fever," said Elizabeth as she turned to her left a little to get a look at the still sound asleep Dr. Romano. He looked pale even in the dim light, not much better than he had looked before falling asleep. She pressed her hand to his cheek. "Still warm," she muttered as she sat up and reached for the thermometer.

"Still up?" asked Kerry as she hung a new IV bag.

"101," sighed Elizabeth as she swung her legs over the side and stood up. She pulled the blanket up over Robert and shoved her feet into her clogs.

"Well, he needs something to bring down the fever. You want to try and wake him or...."

"Let's try to wake him," chuckled Elizabeth. "We've bonded enough over the last 8 hours; I don't need to add anything more to the list."

Kerry pager went off as she made a note on his chart. "I have to go upstairs; you want me to send in a nurse?"

"No, we're fine," said Elizabeth as she grabbed some Advil and a cup of water.

"I'll check in when I come back down."

With a big sigh Elizabeth perched on the edge of the bed. She carefully picked up his left hand and set it on her knee. "Robert....Robert, wake up," she whispered as she reached over him and rubbed his back, trying to wake him gently. He cracked his eyes open slightly and tried to figure out where he was. A look of realization crossed his face. "What time is it?" he rasped.

"Early, 5:30. You’re temp is up. Think you can swallow some Advil? Cause it's that or I'll have to shove it up your...."

"I can swallow them," he groaned as he struggled to sit up a little. Elizabeth handed him the pills and held the straw for him. It took a few tries but he got them down. "Can I lose this?" he asked as he held up his right hand, shaking the IV line at her.

"Kerry just hung another bag. Why don't you let it run in?"

"Fine, but can I lose it long enough to pee." he said, sounding pretty whiny.

"Deal," said Elizabeth. She capped the IV, helped him to his feet and they slowly made their way to the bathroom.

"Are you back on now?" asked Robert as he sat down on the edge of the bed after making the trip to use the bathroom.

"I'm on call for the ER," she answered as she ran her fingers through her hair and pulled it back from her face with the elastic she had around her wrist. Before either of them could say another word her pager went off. She glanced at it quickly and grabbed her stethoscope. "And I guess the ER is off to an early start this morning. You going to be ok by yourself?"

"I don't need a babysitter Lizzy," he said, his voice teasing instead of the usual tone.

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Well, it's not like I'm going anywhere," he said, pointing to the IV in his hand and the O2 monitor on his finger. The O2 level had been fine but Elizabeth wanted him to keep the monitor on as long as he was stuck in the bed. He reached out to grab her by the hand as she turned to leave, "Lizzy, thanks, I know I was a little stubborn last night but...thanks," he said as a nice blush rose up to his cheeks. Elizabeth just smiled as she leaned over and kissed the top of his head.

"Behave yourself," she warned, "Get some more sleep."

The patient she'd been paged to see turned out to not be a surgical candidate so Elizabeth was back to Robert's room within the half hour. She found him curled up, staring into space. He was slowly curling and uncurling the fingers on his left hand. "Things are picking up already out there. You up to moving?"

"Where are you sending me, chairs?"

"Cute, how about the lounge?"

"How about my office?"

She looked at him warily, trying to decide if he would actually stay on the couch in his office or if he'd be up and seeing patients. "I promise I'll rest on the couch and watch television," he said, reading her mind.

"OK, but I'll be checking to make sure," she warned as she handed him his shoes. She unhooked the IV but left the port in. "You haven't eaten anything in almost a day. Let's just leave it in until you're sure you can keep something down. Deal?"

"Fine," he grumbled as he started to lean over and put on his shoes. He looked at Elizabeth with a look of embarrassment and frustration. It only took her a minute to figure out he needed her to help with the shoes. She put one foot at a time in her lap and slipped them without a word.

She walked him up to his office, got him settled on the couch with a blanket, a glass of juice and the TV remote. He wasn't up to eating anything so she was glad she didn't take out the IV. With orders to rest and drink she left him on his own, having every intention of being back soon to check on him.

The ER got slammed with a massive multi vehicle accident on the freeway. Elizabeth spent the next 6 hours consulting in the ER and performing two exploratory surgeries. A little after 1:00 she grabbed some lunch for herself along with some Jell-O and some soup for Robert. She knocked gently on the door to his office; on the off chance he had actually fallen asleep. He was surprisingly still on the couch. There were no tell-tale stacks of paperwork on his desk so she was pretty sure he had been taking it easy. She crept in a little further to see if he was awake. He was dozing lightly and still looked a little pale. Pulling up the blanket he'd kicked off Elizabeth checked to see if he was running a fever using the time-honored kiss on the forehead. He was cooler than he had been, although she was sure he was running over normal.

She turned off the television and sat down at his desk. She propped her feet up on the desk, ate her sandwich and was just about to doze off herself when she heard Robert get up and head into his bathroom.

"You ok?" she asked as he staggered across his office.

"Yeah," he muttered as he closed the door behind him.

He emerged a few minutes later looking marginally better than he had earlier that morning. He curled back up in the corner of the couch, pulling the blanket around him.

"You feel up to eating something. I have chicken soup and Jell-O." she said as she pointed to the tray on the corner of his desk.

Robert thought about it for a few seconds, "Jell-O I guess," he said, his voice conveying his lingering reluctance to eat.

Elizabeth handed him the Jell-O and a spoon. "You want something to drink?"

"Yeah, there's iced tea in the fridge," he said, motioning towards the small fridge in the corner of the office.

Robert managed to choke down about half the Jell-O and most of the iced tea. "You off soon?" he asked as he tossed the rest of the Jell-O back on the tray.

"I hope so. I have to check on a few patients in Recovery and then I think I am free. What do you feel like doing?"

"Not much," he admitted with a sigh.

"Well, you look a little better but I'm not thrilled about sending you home by yourself. How about you go downstairs and have someone repeat your lab work, I'll see my patients and then, I don't know, why don't we go to my house. It seems like I haven't seen Ella in a week and I am in need of a shower and a maybe a nap."

"Your house?" he repeated as he smiled slightly, "You sure about that, aren't you a little tired of me by now?" he smirked.

"I'd feel better keeping an eye on you. I don't trust you to take care of yourself."

"OH, I'm hurt Lizzy," he cried in mock horror.

"Get over it. You need to stop by your place before we go to my place?"

Robert shook his head, "I have clean stuff in my gym bag. I'll meet you downstairs. I have a few phone calls to make."

"Call Dr. Gunn," said Elizabeth as she slipped her shoes on.

"Why would I do that?" muttered Robert, quickly getting annoyed.

"Because you've been in pain for a few days and your surgeon should know about it," she replied as she closed the door behind her.

"Yeah, yeah," mumbled Robert as he stood up slowly, keeping his left arm flush against his body. She's right; he thought to himself, I shouldn't be in this much pain. He grudgingly picked up the phone and dialed Dr. Gunn's number.

He was less than thrilled with his surgeon's advice, take it easy for a few days, use the sling and take something for pain. Not the words he wanted to hear but he tossed the vial of Percocet in his gym bag, found a sling in his desk drawer and put it on before heading downstairs. He had Abby draw some blood, take out the IV port and then he hung out behind the admit desk annoying Kerry while he waited for Elizabeth to return.

"Thank God," yelled Kerry as she saw Elizabeth emerge from the elevator with her coat and tote bag. "Get him out of here," she teased. Elizabeth returned the laugh and picked up Robert's coat; she held it out for him and he carefully slipped his arms in. They headed out to her car, their minds filled with thoughts of hot showers and naps.

**********************

The nanny had just gotten Ella down for a nap when they arrived. Sneaking into her daughter's bedroom Elizabeth looked down at her sleeping form. She ran her fingers through Ella's soft blond hair for a minute before sneaking back out. "Robert, I'm going to take a quick shower. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen," she called down the stairs.

"Thanks," yelled back as he toed off his shoes and wandered around the house. He'd been there a few times, mostly for staff parties and stuff like that. He looked at the pictures on the walls, ones of Mark were featured prominently, making him slightly uncomfortable, but he wasn't sure why. He certainly wasn't at Elizabeth's house to make a move on her. He was barely holding himself together at the moment; he wasn't in the mood to think about a relationship, with her or with anyone for that matter. Sure, he liked her. He respected her as a surgeon and as a person, even if he didn't always show it in his words and in his actions. He'd done a lot of thinking since May, about how he treated others and how others saw him. He cared more about what others thought than he would ever let on. His arrogance was something he hid behind, something that buffered him from his true feelings.

He turned away from the pictures and opened the refrigerator. He poured himself a glass of orange juice and sat on the stool at the island to drink it. Lost in his own thoughts he didn't hear Elizabeth come into the room. He jumped when she touched his shoulder, but managed not to bang his arm on anything. "Sorry," she said. "So Dr. Gunn put you back in the sling?" she asked as she pointed to his arm.

Giving a terse nod he drained the glass of juice and propped his chin up in his right hand.

Elizabeth opened the door to the fridge to see how the dinner situation was looking. The housekeeper had gone to the food store earlier in the week so there was plenty of stuff around. "You want chicken for dinner?" she asked as she absently rummaged through the shelves.

"Yeah, whatever," Robert mumbled. "So how long are you going to keep me captive?" he smirked.

"Well, until you can eat and keep it down for starters. Maybe get a little color back in your face," she said as she leaned on the island opposite him. She reached out to touch his stubbled cheek. "And until your fever goes down."

"Back up again?" he asked as he pressed his palm against his forehead.

"Yeah, you're warm," she said as she reached into the cabinet next to the sink and grabbed a thermometer. She shook it down and handed it to him.

"You're the mother of a toddler; you don't have an ear thermometer?" He whined as he put it in his mouth.

"It's upstairs. And this gives me three minutes of peace and quiet."

Robert just rolled his eyes at her. Elizabeth put some marinade on the chicken and tossed it back in the fridge. She held out her hand for the thermometer, not even giving Robert a chance to glance at it. "100.1, you want Advil or Tylenol?"

"Neither," he mumbled followed by something Elizabeth couldn't understand.

"What?"

"I said, my arm is killing me and I'm going to take a Percocet. Happy now?" he muttered, a little annoyed.

Elizabeth gave him a sad smile as she walked around the island and stood behind him. She put her hands on his shoulders. "No, I'm not happy you're in pain. I'm happy you've decided to listen to Dr. Gunn." she whispered as she massaged his shoulders for a minute. He gave a sigh of contentment, allowing himself to relax under her touch. "Why don't you go take a shower, take a pill and rest for a while?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, that sounds good," he said wearily as he slid off the stool.

"You can use the bathroom in the guest room. Last door on the left. There are towels on the shelf and shampoo in the shower." she said, pointing down the hall.

"Shampoo, cute," smirked Robert as he ran his hand over his bald head and started down the hall. Elizabeth just smiled as she watched him walk away.

While Robert took a shower Elizabeth checked her messages, read her email and paid a few bills. He came out a while later, dressed in sweatpants and a baggy long sleeved t-shirt. He looked utterly exhausted.

"You want to rest on the couch or in the guest room?" she asked as she handed him a few crackers so he'd have something on his stomach with the Percocet.

"Couch I guess," he said wearily. He stretched out on the couch after he took a pill. Elizabeth covered him up with the afghan and perched next to him for a minute.

"You need anything?"

"A pillow," he muttered, motioning towards his left arm.

Elizabeth grabbed a small throw pillow off the chair and helped him prop up his arm a little. "OK?" she asked as she ran her thumb over the back of his hand.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why...why the fuss? You certainly could have walked away from me on the roof last night," he said softly.

"I don't know. We've both been through a lot since last spring, I guess the whole 'life's too short' saying makes more sense now. I guess I just feel the snarky thing we have between the two of us was getting a little old."

"And you felt sorry for me," he said, not sounding annoyed, just a little defeated.

Elizabeth nodded.

"It's ok, I feel sorry for me," he whispered as he felt himself starting to lose control of his emotions for the second time in as many days. He could feel the tears starting to prick at his eyes. Elizabeth wiped them away with her thumbs and kissed his forehead.

"Get some sleep," she whispered, giving him an "out" of the conversation. Something he really looked like he wanted. Robert reached up with his good hand and cupped her cheek. She smiled and turned her head slightly, stopping just short of kissing his hand.

Robert slept soundly for a few hours. Elizabeth rested for a while herself until Ella a woke up. She checked on him a few times, in between entertaining Ella, making dinner and trying to catch up on some laundry. Abby called with Robert's labwork results, everything was normal.

A little before 6:00 Robert cracked his eyes open and came face to face with Ella. She laughed at him and patted his head. He sat up and she climbed in his lap with a book. Five minutes later Elizabeth found the two of them engrossed in One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. She couldn't help but smile. They both looked content and totally at ease with each other. She'd long suspected that Robert had a soft spot in his heart for little kids. Seeing him with her daughter proved it.

"Abby called, your labwork came back. You're fine, everything's normal."

"Great, I don't exactly feel fine. Guess everything's in my head."

Elizabeth wasn't sure how to react to that. The chicken was ready and she just wasn't in the mood for a pity party. "Dinner's ready, you hungry?" Ella nodded and slid off the couch and ran towards the kitchen. "I was actually talking to you," she teased him as she walked behind the couch and tapped him on the shoulder.

"I don't know," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"At least try to get something down," she said as walked around the front of the couch. She took Robert by his right hand and pulled him to his feet.

When dinner was over Elizabeth was pretty sure Ella had eaten more than Robert but she didn't make a big deal out of it. He at least drank enough to ward off dehydration. Afterward he sat at the island reading the newspaper while Elizabeth filled the dishwasher and Ella played on the floor with some little toys.

"Before I give her a bath and get her settled for the night do you want to go home or do you just want to crash here for the night?"

Robert blushed a little and smiled shyly. "Crashing here sounds just fine, thanks."

"No problem. I'll be down in a little while. Make yourself at home."

While Elizabeth was upstairs giving Ella a bath Robert finished the newspaper and flicked through the channels, not finding anything to hold his attention. He was restless and got up to pace around for a while. He slipped the sling back on so he wouldn't have to worry about trying to keep his arm up.

Elizabeth found him staring out the window when she came down after settling Ella into bed. She cleared her throat a little so she wouldn't startle him. With a little glance over his left shoulder Robert acknowledged her presence but didn't say anything. He turned his attention back towards the window where he was watching the clouds roll in, probably bringing more snow with them.

"You want some tea?" asked Elizabeth as she picked the kettle up off the stove and walked towards the stove.

"Sure," whispered Robert, sounding as if he truly didn't have the energy to speak in complete sentences.

With the kettle on the stove Elizabeth walked over to the window to stand next to him. She tentatively reached to put her hand on his shoulder. When he didn't flinch she moved her hand down to rub soothing circles over his back. He leaned into her touch, the contact relaxing him instantly. They silently watched as the first flakes of snow started to fall while they waited for the whistling of the tea kettle.

Half an hour later they were watching television. The tea was gone and Robert was fading fast. But he was restless, squirming on the couch trying to get comfortable. His arm just throbbed no matter where he put it, his head hurt and his stomach was upset.

"You want to take a pill?" asked Elizabeth as she got up from the recliner and perched on the edge of the couch next to him.

He nodded and wiped his right hand over his eyes wearily. Elizabeth got him a pill and a glass of water. He sat up just enough to swallow it and settled back down, trying to get comfortable.

"Anything I can do for you?" she asked as she brushed her hand over his cheek, checking his temperature. He was cooler than he had been all day; she was pretty sure he was back to normal

"I don't know," he sighed, "I just can't get comfortable," he said, cringing at how whiny his voice sounded to his own ears.

"Well, you'll never get comfortable out here. How about you go into the guest room?"

Robert agreed with a nod and hauled himself off the couch. While he used the bathroom Elizabeth turned down the comforter and grabbed a small pillow off the chair for him to use to prop up his arm. She went out to get him a glass of water and turn off the lights in the kitchen while he got into bed. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel like she was being a mother hen, so she planned on just giving him the water and going to bed herself. That plan went out the window when she walked back to the guest room and heard him getting sick in the bathroom.

"Robert," she said as she knocked on the door. He didn't say anything but reached behind him to push the door open enough to let her in. She knelt down behind him and held his head and rubbed his back. "It's ok," she whispered, "just breathe."

It was a good fifteen minutes before Robert felt it was safe to lift his head up. Elizabeth wiped his face with a cool, damp cloth and got him a drink of water. "Here, rinse your mouth," she said as she handed him the water. He did as she said and settled on the floor with his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest. He rested his left arm over his knees and his head against the wall. The look on his face was one of exhaustion and mortification. "I'm sorry," he whispered, barely loud enough to be heard.

"It's ok. You have nothing to be sorry about," Elizabeth tried to reassure him. "I think I have some Compazine upstairs. Do you want a shot?"

He nodded wearily.

"You want to get into bed or you think you should stay here for a while longer."

"Stay here," he muttered with a sigh.

Elizabeth came back a minute later with a syringe full of Compazine, another Percocet and a new toothbrush. "OK, drop your pants," she said with a smirk.

"Oh Lizzy, I know you've been waiting years to say that too me," he smirked as he let Elizabeth pull him to his feet. He leaned over the sink a little and she pulled the back of his sweatpants down enough to expose the back of his hip. She gave the injection and fixed his pants. He gratefully took the toothbrush she handed him and brushed his teeth. He took the pill, knowing the first one had had no chance to work.

"You ready to leave the bathroom?"

"Yeah," he said as he brushed past her and sat cross legged on the middle of the bed. Elizabeth refilled the water glass and walked to the bed. She put the water on the night stand and stood there, slightly unsure of what to do.

"Well, I guess I'll leave you then. Uh, just call if you need anything," she said, suddenly feeling very awkward.

"OK," said Robert quietly as he got under the comforter. He rolled over onto his stomach, carefully setting his left hand on the small pillow Elizabeth had put on the bed for him. With a flick of her finger Elizabeth turned off the light and left the room.

*********************

It was still relatively early, a little after 10 so Elizabeth pulled out the work she'd brought home with her. She had some reading to do and some notes to organize. She made another cup of tea and settled down on the couch with the pile of paperwork.

Robert's eyes snapped open and he groaned as he glanced at the clock; it was almost 11:00. He couldn't believe that after almost an hour, a pain pill and a shot of Compazine he was still awake. There were still some sounds coming from the living room so he was sure Elizabeth was still awake. Part of him wanted to go out and find her but his body was pretty much betraying him at the moment. His stomach was still unsettled so moving too much probably wasn't a good idea. The pounding in his head wasn't helping the situation either. And his arm was actually not throbbing at the moment so he figured he should just leave it where it was, which left him curled up on his right side facing the door.

All he had to do was to call her name and she would come in, he knew she'd be there in a minute, checking up on him, making sure he was ok. But his stubborn pride kept him from opening his mouth. To admit he needed her, that he needed anyone, was something "Rocket" Romano was not very willing to do. So he closed his eyes once again in an effort to relax.

A little after 11:00 Elizabeth tossed aside her work and stood up to stretch. She walked down the hall to check on Robert. She paused outside his door, hesitating slightly before she turned the knob.

Robert's eyes opened at the sound of her turning the knob. But he closed them as he heard the door open, unsure of what he wanted. Elizabeth peeked her head in and stood there as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. She could see Robert curled up on his side, facing her. He appeared to be asleep. Part of her wanted to turn and leave without saying anything--- without doing anything. But a bigger part of her wanted her to stay, if just for a minute. And that part won out. She walked quietly to the bed and pulled the comforter up a little more over his sleeping form. Robert's eyes opened a little and he tried to smile.

"Hey," he said, his voice weak and raspy.

"HOw are you still awake?" she teased as she perched on the edge of the bed next to him.

"No idea," he said quietly.

"Temp's down," she said as she ran her hand over his forehead.

"Then how come I still feel like crap?" Robert muttered, more to himself than to her.

"It's been a rough couple of days. You're overwhelmed, exhausted and at the moment, drugged," answered Elizabeth.

"I wasn't really looking for an answer Lizzy," he said with a chuckle.

"I know. Can I get you anything?"

Robert shrugged his shoulders and curled up a little more.

"Well, I guess I'll let you get some sleep," said Elizabeth quietly as she patted his shoulder. She was two steps away from the door when his voice made her turn around.

"Stay, please," he whispered.

She turned around and took a good look at him. He was curled up in a ball, clearly hanging on by a thread. She'd never seen him look so defeated, not even when he was in the earlier stages of his recovery, spending hours in physical therapy and trying to regain his independence.

"Oh Robert," she sighed as she sat back down on the bed and reached to rub his back.

Robert carefully moved over to the opposite side of the bed, giving Elizabeth room to do whatever she felt comfortable with. He had no idea what that would be. Nor was he sure what her wanted her to do. The only thing he knew was that he didn't want to be alone.

After a quick internal debate Elizabeth propped kicked off her slippers and propped up the pillow against the headboard. She laid down and silently and carefully gathered him into her arms. He settled down with his head on her left shoulder, his left arm resting comfortably across her waist and their legs tangled up under the blankets. For the first time in a long time he felt safe.

"Comfortable?" asked Elizabeth as she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. She felt him nod against her cheek. They were silent for a while until he started to flex his fingers a little, tickling her ribs as he did. "Stop," she laughed as she reached to still his hand.

"Sorry, my arm's just a little jumpy," he said as he tried to pull his arm away. Elizabeth touched his hand and kept it where it was. Gently running her hand up his arm she tried to get him to relax. The feeling of the cotton of his shirt rubbing against his skin was irritating because of the diminishing sensation so he stopped her long enough to carefully push the baggy sleeve up and over his elbow. "Sorry, sometimes it just gets to the point where I can't stand fabric against the skin."

Elizabeth nodded and tentatively placed her hand over his. She looked at him as if to say, is this ok? Robert nodded and gave her a weak smile. "Why don't you use some of that," he said, pointing towards the bottle of hand lotion on the night stand. "As long as it's not too girly," he teased as he squinted to read the label in the dim light.

"Vanilla Bean. Manly enough?"

"It'll do."

Elizabeth sat up and grabbed the lotion. She set a pillow in her lap and took Robert by the hand. Starting at his elbow she gently massaged his arm, running her hands over the skin, careful not to hurt him. Before started on his wrist she stopped to squeeze some more lotion in her hand. As her hand glided over his wrist she noticed how thin it was, bones jutted out, tendons were easy felt. A few days earlier she had noted that he now wore his watch on his right wrist. He had taken to wearing loafers when he wore dress pants and sneakers with elastic laces when he was in scrubs. He didn't wear a tie as much anymore. Instead he prefered to wear scrubs. But Elizabeth knew that his days of needing surgical scrubs were probably limited. She had no idea how he was holding himself together as well as he was.

As Elizabeth's fingers moved closer to his own Robert's breathing started to even out and he began to relax a little. "Close your eyes," she whispered. Robert just shook his head a little. "Would you like to talk about it?" she asked, giving him an opening.

"If I talk, I'll fall apart," he said as he looked up at her with watery eyes.

"It's ok," she whispered as she started to work on his fingers, stretching and flexing them gently one by one.

"I feel like....I feel like I'm losing everything. Surgery is the only thing I really have. Let's face it, I'm not a nice guy, people don't like me. And I don't care. I'm good at what I do, or at least I was until I was stupid enough to stand too close to a helicopter," he said bitterly.

Elizabeth gently squeezed his fingers and scooted down on the bed so they were curled up face to face. He rested his left hand on her hip as she put her arms around him and rubbed soothing circles over his back.

"What happens if I can't operate? What do I have left?" he sniffed miserably.

"You're a brilliant surgeon and a great teacher. You have many options."

"But surgery isn't going to be one of them."

"That will probably be true at some point."

"I can't live like that," he whispered as Elizabeth pulled him closer, resting his head on her shoulder.

"Yes, you can," she tried to assure him.

He shook his head as the sobbing started and he fell apart. With a half hearted effort he tried to pull away to hide his tears. But Elizabeth had no intention of letting him go. "It's ok, let it all out," she cooed as she continued to rub his back.

Ten minutes later he was still sobbing, shaking and absolutely miserable. Elizabeth was pretty sure he was letting go of everything he'd held in since May. She was at a loss for what to say to him, choosing instead to just hold him and comfort him as best she could. It didn't seem like she was doing much but Robert clung to her like a lifeline.

Eventually the tears slowed and Robert rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. "That was melodramatic," he said quietly.

"You needed to get that out. You've been holding everything in for far too long."

"I suppose but couldn't I have just yelled or something? Did I really need to cry like a girl?" he mused, managing a teasing tone.

"Well, I think the Percocet made you a little weepy," she said, giving him an excuse.

Robert laughed a little as he reached for the box of tissues. He wiped his face and drank the water Elizabeth handed him. She straightened out the comforter over the two of them, clearly planning on staying with him for a while.

"Thank you," whispered Robert as he kissed her cheek before settling down on his stomach.

"You're welcome. Now would you please get some sleep?" she teased.

He closed his eyes and started to relax as Elizabeth gently rubbed his back.

********

Elizabeth woke a little before the sun came up. It took her a minute to realize where she was, and more importantly, who she was with. Robert was still sound asleep. He was curled up on his side, facing away from her. Trying not to disturb him she sat up slowly. Softly pressing her hand to his forehead she found he was cool, no sign of a fever.

As the sun came up and the room lightened Elizabeth took a good look at him. She was looking at more than the pale man with the circles under his eyes and two days worth of stubble on his chin. SHe was looking at him in a different light, not as the man who routinely drove her nuts and had the ability to make her want to scream and kick things. She saw him for who he was on the inside, someone who was frightened to death of losing all he held dear. The concept of never being able to operate again was something she couldn't even imagine. She saw someone she considered a friend, despite all the reasons he'd given her to hate him.

In her mind she made a silent promise to just be there for him, to be a friend. As she heard Ella calling for her Elizabeth leaned over and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. She glanced back at him one last time as she headed down the hall to start her day.

THE END

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