It's Not Personal; It's Business
It's not personal; it's business, keep repeating that to yourself.
That line from You've Got Mail keeps echoing through my head as I board the
plane for....for oh yeah, Denver.
I do believe it, but I think I should probably keep repeating it to myself
anyway.
I toss my stuff in an empty seat away from the others, hoping against all
hope to just be left alone for a little while.
The Congressman is finishing up a phone call to his kids and everyone
else seems to be gathering around the food.
The mere thought of food is turning my stomach at the moment so I kick off
my shoes and try to get comfortable.
*************
An hour into the flight and "comfortable" seems
unattainable. On the positive side,
people have left me alone, for the most part.
Ronna came by a little while ago to ask a few questions about tomorrow's
itinerary but that was about it.
Maybe a walk around the plane will help.
Maybe a walk to find some liquor would help.
Yeah, yeah, with my sensitive system and the fact that I can't remember the
last time I've eaten, that's probably not a good idea.
*************
"You look like crap," Leo mutters as I come out of the airplane
restroom. Apparently splashing water on
my face didn't help as much as I had hoped.
"What's wrong, kid?" he asks with a crooked smile. I can't help but grin at the nickname. Since I became an adult, very few people can
get away with calling me "kid".
Leo is obviously one of the few.
"Sit before you fall over," Leo says as he grabs my arm and
steers me back to my seat. I pray he's
just going to leave alone.
No such luck.
Leo takes a seat opposite me. He
stares for a few minutes, clearly waiting for me to talk. But talking is about the last thing I want to
do right now.
"I'm just tired," I sigh as I run my hands down my face, cringing
as my fingers press against the rapidly fading bruise under my eye.
"It's more than that," Leo says firmly. "I never had a chance to ask, what the
heck did you do to your eye?"
"Uh, the final night of the convention I was trying to navigate my way
around my hotel room, exhausted, slightly drunk and in the dark. Ran into the door jamb," I mutter with a
little chuckle.
"Always leave the bathroom light on in a strange hotel room," Leo
teases.
"I forgot. Someone else used to
remember to do that for me," I mutter.
"Ah," is all Leo says but I can see the wheels turning in his
head. I know he saw Donna in the office
earlier. I know I look like I could very
well burst into tears at any moment and let's just say....Leo's not an
idiot. He surprises me by getting up,
but I am sure he hasn't decided to just leave me alone in my misery.
And I'm right.
"Here, drink this and try to eat a little something," Leo says
when he returns with a can of ginger ale, some crackers and a little bag of
pretzels. I take the drink and the
crackers, leaving the pretzels for Leo who tosses them in my backpack. It's been months since someone packed snacks
for me. Unfortunately that thought is doing nothing to help me keep my tears at
bay.
Leo waits patiently while I take my time popping the top on the soda and
opening the crackers. "Was it as
bad as I imagine?" he finally asks.
"Worse. I saw it coming and
there was nothing I could do about it. I
tried to get her to stop before things got completely painful. But she was so intent on getting through what
she called 'one of the more awkward moments of her life' that I couldn't stop
her. God, I wanted to stop her."
"What did you do?"
"Quoted her," I mutter as I pull the folder out of my
backpack. "She tried to backtrack
but there was really no way for her to do that.
She got the 'deer caught in the headlights look' and it broke my
heart. I know that sounds trite and
sappy and any number of other things, but it's the truth."
"I know." Leo glances at
the contents of the folder.
"Ouch," he whispers as he hands it back to me. "You knew she would be in, right?"
"Yeah, I was pretty sure of it.
That's why I was prepared."
"Why didn't you go after her?"
"And do what? Grovel to save a
friendship that just might completely ruined?
We can't do this again."
"Do what?" Leo presses.
"This...this, what we do.
Misdirection, dancing around things, toeing this line we put down years
ago."
"Do you remember what I told you, a few years ago at Christmas?"
"Yeah, you told me to "get it together". Guess I haven't done a good job of
that."
"Josh, this life cost me my marriage and nearly ruined my life any
number of times. Don't let that happen
to you."
"What the hell am I suppose to do?" I whisper harshly. I can feel the tears start to sting at my
eyes and I don't bother to try and hide them.
We're tucked in a corner, basically alone.
"You need to take a step back.
You both need some space. Give
her a few days; give yourself a few days."
"Should I call her?"
Leo laughs for a minute before replying.
"Josh, I am the last person you should be looking towards for
relationship advice. If you call, what
do you think will happen, honestly?"
"We'd probably cry so hard that we wouldn't be able to actually say
anything."
"Then, I think you just answered your own question. I'm going to try and get some work
done." Leo says as he stands.
"I'll help, let me just get my things...." I mutter as I stand
up...too quickly.
"Whoa, kid, sit down," Leo says as he grabs my arm, barely
catching me before I take a header onto his shoes. "You aren't going anywhere. Stay here, finish the soda and rest for a
while."
A protest dies on my lips as I realize I am truly in no shape to argue, let
alone get any actual work done. I slump
back in the seat as Leo pats my shoulder and leaves me alone.
"Hey Leo."
"What?"
"It was business, it wasn't personal."
"I know," he says simply as he walks away.
I know it and he knows it, but does Donna know it?
******************
Ah, another non descript hotel room.
At least the quality of the hotels has increased in the past few
months. We've moved up to something with
room service but the thought of food still isn't appealing to me.
I toss my bag on the bed; pull out a pair of pajamas and head for the
bathroom.
OK, it's late but my internal clock is perpetually off these days. Maybe I'll just check my email, see if Donna
sent anything.
Yeah, like that's going to happen any time soon.
And I was right. There is however
something from my mom but the subject of the email is "I just talked to
Donna", so something tells me I really don't need to read that right now.
Oh great, Donna just came online.
If I put the "away message" on ten seconds after signing on I'm
going to look like an ass and quite frankly, I'm tired of doing that. So I'll just let it be and try to ignore it.
OK, that's not working. Maybe if I
minimize the box.
Not working either as I keep opening it up to check if she's the one
signing off every time the door sounds.
This is nuts, maybe I'll just say "hi".
I get as far as opening a new IM box before I chicken out.
God, I feel like I'm 15 again.
On one hand I want to talk to her but I just can't face the thought of
doing it right now. Even instant message
seems out of the question at the moment.
Hard candy, that's what I need. I
think there's some in my backpack.
Found it.
OK, what do I want to say?
This could take some pacing.
Or a lot of pacing.
******************
Dear Donna,
First of all, I have to admit, you're online right now and I am taking the
easier way out and sending this email instead of using IM.
Fifteen minutes of pacing and three pieces of hard candy ago, I had this
email written in my head. Now I can't
seem to get it written or typed as the case may be.
All afternoon I've had this line from "You've Got Mail" running
around in my head.
"It's business, it's not personal, keep repeating that to
yourself"
I've been repeating it to myself all day.
I know it's true, but I need to know if you know that too.
You have to believe me. Turning you
down was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
I confess I was pretty sure you'd eventually be in for a job, which was
obviously why I had a list of your quotes.
For the record, those quotes didn't come from some intern who was paid
to watch coverage of the Russell campaign.
I gathered them myself. And as I
watched you on television I never felt prouder of you.
You were good, great even and I'm sorry that maybe it took too long for me
to see your true potential.
Unfortunately, your being good at your job is what caused me to do what
I did this after.
But please remember, "it's business, it's not personal".
I don't know where to go from here.
All I know is...this afternoon I hurt you, my best friend and I don't
know how we can get past it.
I meant what I said; I miss you each and every day, personally and
professionally.
I know that there are no words I can use to apologize and to tell you how
miserable I am at the moment. Let's just
say, I've been through a bag of hard candy today and I'm contemplating a trip
across the room to the mini bar.
I didn't just say that to make you feel bad. I want you to know the truth. I didn't get any pleasure out of what
happened today.
Well, it's late and I have to be up early, the story of my life it
seems. I think I'm getting too old for
this.
As with the email I sent after you left the White House, I'm not looking
for a response if you're not ready to give one, I just want to know that you've
read this. That's all I ask.
Josh
*******************
It takes another piece of hard candy and 10 more minutes of pacing for me
to get up the courage to hit SEND.
There, I did it.
Teeth brushed and the bathroom light left on and I'm ready to collapse.
******************
No, it can't be morning already.
Crap, it is.
Shower, shave, dress, eat, pills, leave.
I can do this.
OK, let me just check the email real quick and get out of here. I skipped the eating part and I took my
pills, not a good combination. Wait, I
have pretzels in my backpack, thank you Leo.
OK, a response from Donna. Didn't
really expect that so soon.
******************
Dear Josh,
I read your email. Thank you for
sending it. And thank you for not using
IM. I couldn't have handled it either.
Deep down I know your decision wasn't personal, although it did take about
an hour and a box of tissues to realize that.
I shouldn't have come in so soon for a job.
I should have put a little "space" between myself and the
Russell campaign. But my dwindling bank
account told me to do otherwise.
I didn't say that to be mean, just to make you understand.
I was wondering how you got all those quotes and I'd by lying if I said the
truth didn't bring a smile and a few tears to my face.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as miserable as you. We're quite the pair aren't we?
But you were right, we can't do this again.
Donna
****************
Well, that was better than.....I read your pathetic email, don't ever
contact me again.
How much better, only time will tell.
And speaking of time, my crappy watch tells me it's time to go.
THE END
