Lemons and All
OK, this LemonLyman thing
has gotten out of control. I just got
back from the press conference to find a few new things in my office. In
addition to the LemonHead candy from Sam and a case of Sprite that Margaret brought
over earlier I now have:
A basket of lemons and
limes (from Ginger and Bonnie)
A bowl of lime Jello
(which I am not touching with a ten foot pole)
Two bottles of Snapple
Lime Green Tea (that looks pretty good actually)
An unmarked white bakery
box (which I am afraid to open)
A catalog of computer
parts with the section on motherboards marked with a paper clip. (I can assume that's from CJ)
I open a bottle of the
tea, take off my tie and boot up the computer (I swear I'm not going anywhere
near Lemonlyman.com, not after what I read earlier) when I hear a voice behind
me.
"Back away from the
computer or you're a dead man."
I jump about 6 inches off
the chair and manage to spill tea down the front of my shirt.
"God Donna, make a
little noise next time." I say as I wipe the tea off with my handkerchief.
"I see you've gotten
some more gifts in the last few hours." she says with a smirk as she sits
in my visitor's chair. "What's in
the box?"
"No idea, I'm scared
to open it. You do it." I say as I
push the box a little further away from me.
She rolls her eyes and
opens up the box. "OK, you've gone
completely around the bend, you're afraid of pie."
"Pie?"
"Yeah, pie."
"Wait, let me guess,
Key Lime and Lemon Meringue."
"Of course."
she grins as she takes the slices of pie out of the box.
I go and grab a couple of
forks off the top of the fridge. Donna
walks around and sits on my desk while I open my e-mail. She's keeping a close eye on my monitor.
"I'm just reading my
mail." I laugh.
Not a whole lot of stuff
worth reading, except for a note from my Mom.
"Oh God." I
sigh as I lean back in my chair to look at Donna.
"What?"
I point towards the
monitor and Donna leans over me to read.
In about ten seconds she's giggling uncontrollably, as I knew she would
be.
"That's cute
Josh. You're mother went to
LemonLyman.com to defend you." she snorts as she sits back up and pats me
patronizingly on the top of the head.
"What's curious is
how she knew about the site in the first place?" I muse, giving Donna my best
eyebrow waggle.
"I swear to God I
didn't tell her."
I search her baby blues
for any hints of lying. I don't see any.
"Wait, how did you
find out about the site?"
Donna fumbles and mumbles
for a second as the light bulb goes on over my head.
"I don't believe it,
my mother told you about it." I yell as I jump to my feet, nearly knocking
over my chair in the process.
By this time Donna has
slipped off the desk and is giving me her best sheepish smile as she tries to
back out of the room. And I have my
answer.
"How did she know
about it?"
"She and a few of
her friends were taking a computer class at their clubhouse. Apparently they were learning about different
search engines and one of them typed in your name to see what would
happen."
"Search
engines?"
She rolls her eyes.
"You know Josh, Google. The thing I
always type in and you say, 'what's that'?"
"Ah. So now there are little blue haired ladies in
Florida surfing this site, reading about
me?"
Oh God.
"Josh...you
ok?"
I lean against the wall
and take a deep breath.
"Josh, what is
wrong?"
"What if... what if
one of those ladies is Erma Trude or any of the other nuts on that site?"
"Could be."
Donna says as she leans closer to me, I think to whisper something in my
ear. Her hair brushes up against my
cheek but before I can revel in the feeling she all but yells, "That's why
I told you to stay away from the damn site."
"Oww." I whine
as I rub my ear and push myself away from the wall. I start to pace as Donna tries to get out of
my way. I pace for a minute or two but
it's not real easy because of the case of soda, basket of fruit and other
assorted green and yellow items currently littering my office floor.
"Joshua, stand
still. What is your problem?" asks Donna as she grabs me by the arm and
puts an end to my pacing.
'Uh, I don't know, I'm
just a little jumpy. I think I had too
much sugar or something today."
"You think? What exactly did you have?"
"I think 4 bottles
of Yoo-Hoo, 3 cans of Sprite and some LemonHead candy."
"And pie. Did you eat dinner?"
I actually have to think
about that. "Uh, no, I don't think
I did."
"Josh." she
sighs, not really in the mood to lecture me, thank God. "Let's go." she says as she grabs
my coat and points towards the door.
We walk out of the White
House with Donna leading the way. I'm
not sure exactly where we're going but we just headed away from our cars so I
take it we are walking. We continue in
silence for a few blocks until she steers me into a coffee shop. We order, burnt cheeseburger for me, tuna
sandwich for her.
"I think I've made
my last post on lemonlyman.com." I
say with a sigh.
"You mean, I've made
your last post. Josh, you really need to
learn how to type using all your fingers." she teases.
I don't respond, instead
I squeeze the lemon slice into my iced tea with a little more force than
needed.
"Josh? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just
read some stuff and...just forget it."
She reaches across the
table and takes my hand. "Come on,
spill it."
I look up and she's
serious, there's no indication she's about to tease me.
"I read some stuff
on the site today."
"I got that
much. Stuff about you?"
"Yeah, well about me
and..."
"Amy?"
"Yeah, apparently
most of my fans aren't too fond of her.
They think I should be dating someone else."
"Oh. Any particular person?" she asks quietly
as I see a soft blush come over her cheeks.
I can only nod. Thank God she manages to see through my
subtly and smiles knowingly.
"Ah." she says
as she moves her hand so the waitress can put down our plates.
I wonder if there's a
course in waitress school where they teach you to bring the food at precisely
the wrong time. That lesson must come
right before the one where they teach them to ask 'is everything ok?' exactly
when their customers have a mouthful of food.
Anyway, with the arrival
of our food I realize just how hungry I am.
A few minutes pass as we
use our food as a convenient barrier that prevents us from saying what needs to
be said. Whatever that is...I'm not too
sure. Donna's the first to break the
silence.
"Are you happy with
Amy?"
I decide to go for brutal
honesty. "I don't know. I know that sounds dumb. I mean I should know if I'm happy or
not."
"Well, for what it's
worth, you don't seem happy."
I drop the french fry I'm
holding and look up at Donna. She knows
me so well and yet I'm still amazed at the way she knows just what I'm
feeling. Sometimes, well most times, before
I even do.
"I guess deep down
I'm not." I sigh as I push the
remaining fries towards Donna.
"Then do something
about it."
And that's all she says
on that subject. The conversation makes
a few segues into small talk as we finish our food and wait for the check. As we make our way back to the White House
she tries to lift my mood by listing all the things I could make with my basket
of lemons and limes. But since neither of us really like to cook I try to
convince her we should just use the limes with the bottle of tequila I have at
home. She's not buying it and I get a
crack about my sensitive system and a smack on the back of the head. I look at her and smile, she grins in return
and takes my arm. For just a moment life is good, lemons and all.
THE END
