People Move On
As Josh tried his best to hold things together emotionally, one simple
gesture was his undoing. Josh had leaned
over to shake the hand of Jed Bartlet as the older man sat in the wing backed
chair, unable to rise from it by himself.
As Jed grasped Josh's hand with as much strength as he could muster he
pulled Josh down towards him. And in
very much the same way as years earlier in a hospital trauma room with Leo, Jed
Bartlet kissed the cheek of his Deputy Chief of Staff. The gesture both startled and touched Josh in
a way he hadn't expected and by the time he had recovered enough to stand up
straight, tears were flowing down his cheeks.
Not wanting to cause the younger man any further embarrassment, Jed just
put on his glasses and picked up a random file to read as Josh turned to
quickly exit the room.
By walking quickly and with his head down, as if he were a man on a
mission, Josh managed to make it to his office without being stopped by anyone
in the halls of the West Wing. Thankfully,
he'd sent Marla home before going over the Oval Office as she was the last
person he really wanted to see. He made
a conscious effort not to look over towards her desk as he walked through the
bullpen; he was crying hard enough as it was.
The absence of Donna and her belongings would have sent him spiraling
into a place he has no time to wallow in at the moment. There are too many things that need to be
done.
He closed the door quietly behind him, relaxing ever so slightly in the
solitude and safety of his office. He
shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it in the general direction of the
nearest chair. Running his fingers
through his short hair caused it to stand up on end, a look Donna had
frequently teased him about, saying it looked like he'd done his hair with a
lawnmower. As he dropped his hands down
again he noticed just how badly they were shaking. Holding them out in front of his body he
watched as they seemed to move of their own accord. Stuffing his hands in his pockets he spent a
few minutes pacing back and forth in front of the desk. On one pass he glanced over to the bookcase
and a photo caught his eye. Josh picked it up and looked at it in the dim
light. It was one of himself, Sam and Donna taken the night of the Yo-Yo Ma concert.
All dressed up and smiling for the camera it was hard to believe that mere
hours after that photo was taken, he had found himself in one of the darkest
and most frightening places of his life.
As the tears continued to fall, some landing on the picture in his
hands, Josh felt his whole body start to shake.
He moved to stand against the wall in the hopes that his old trick would
work. It did for a few minutes but
rather than cross the room to actually sit in a chair, he just let himself
slide down the wall until he was sitting on the floor. He kicked off his shoes and rolled up the
sleeves of his dress shirt.
Josh really had no idea how long he'd been sitting on the floor. A soft knock on the door brought him back to
the present. "Come in," he
called softly, not bothering to get up.
He watched as the door opened and in stepped a pair of black boots. He looked up, way up to glance at the face of
CJ. Unconsciously he'd curled up further
against the wall as he'd basically gone over her head and resigned to the
President instead of her. But he knew
she wasn't stupid, or clueless, she knew what was going on. Instead of the wrath of CJ he thought he was
going to have to endure, he got something completely different. Ignoring the fact she was wearing a skirt and
boots, CJ knelt down on the floor in front of Josh.
"You ok?" she asked quietly as she took in his teary face, his
bloodshot eyes and the sheer fact that he was shaking like a leaf. Josh just shrugged his shoulders as CJ moved
to sit next to him. She put her arm
around his shoulders and pulled him close.
Tentatively Josh started to relax and let CJ show the maternal side she
kept well hidden. "Do you want to
talk about it?" she asked a few minutes later after realizing Josh hadn't
said a word since he'd told her to come in.
When she didn't get an answer she reached for the picture Josh was still
clutching in his hands. "Nice
picture. When was it taken?"
"The night of the Yo-Yo Ma concert," Josh said with almost a
bitter tone in his voice.
"Ah," muttered CJ as she reached over her shoulder to put the
picture on the shelf.
"So I gather you're not in the mood to start a conversation so I guess
I'll have to do it," she said, teasing lightly. Josh chuckled a little as he took a few
tissues from the box CJ was holding out to him.
"Why the tears?" she asked.
"Couldn't start with an easier question?" Josh snorted as he
pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around his shins.
"OK," CJ said with a laugh.
"How about, how did the President take your resignation?"
"That wasn't an easier one," Josh pointed out. He took a deep breath and decided to answer
anyway. "He took it...he took it
well, I guess. I don't think he was
shocked. He knows that finding the
"real thing" is what I'm supposed to do. I did it before and found him. Now it's time to move on and do it
again. There's little holding me here."
"Something we'll be talking about it a few minutes," CJ warned
him with a grin. Josh just nodded,
knowing there was no way CJ was going to leave his office without talking about
what had happened with Donna. "Go
on," CJ urged gently.
"I knew it would be hard to go in there and resign but stepping into
that room and seeing him in the chair looking so...so small and just unwell, I
was surprised I held it together as long as I did. It was like walking into my
father's office and knowing I was about to disappoint him," Josh said
quietly as he dropped his head down on his knees. CJ rubbed his back for a minute as he got his
thoughts together enough to continue.
"He said for me to be happy and to make sure I didn't sacrifice the
things that are important to me for the sake of a job."
"Did he happen to mention those "things" by name?" CJ
asked as she patted his hand.
"No, but I guess I've been pretty easy to read these past few
days," Josh admitted.
"How about these past few years," CJ corrected him as he sat back
up.
"Whatever. I'll have my things
out of here in the morning," Josh muttered as he waved his hand around the
room. He was silent for a few minutes
trying to untangle the thoughts and feelings racing around inside of him.
"Josh, talk to me," CJ urged as she put her hand on his arm to
prevent him from trying to stand up.
"What's there to say? Donna
left, end of story," he snorted as he tossed his tissues into the
wastebasket.
"Josh, it wasn't that simple.
She didn't just up and leave you," CJ pointed out, uncertain of how
much of her knowledge of the situation she should reveal. She'd spent many hours talking with Donna in
the months after the explosion in Gaza Washington
"Toby says I have to resort to manhood to straighten this out,"
Josh said.
"Meaning what? Going to New
Hampshire
Josh just snorted as he dropped his head into his hands rubbing at his
sore, red eyes. "I screwed up. I was an ass.
She tried to talk to me for a week.
And I blew her off because I knew I wasn't going to like the
conversation."
"That's right," CJ said.
"She talked to you?" Josh asked, a little surprised. He didn't know they'd gotten completely past
their conversation during the lockdown the previous spring.
"We've talked a lot over the past few months," CJ said.
"Tell me what she said," Josh muttered quickly.
"Nope. If you want to talk to
her then I suggest you call her."
"I can't," Josh whined.
"Why not?" CJ pushed, her growing frustration coming through in
her tone.
"Because....because if I hear her voice I'm going to lose it,"
Josh admitted. CJ turned a little so she
was facing him. What she saw in his face
worried her more than she thought it would.
He didn't just look exhausted and teary.
He looked lost and frightened but what scared CJ most was the distant
look in his eyes.
"Josh, I'm going to ask you something.
I know it's not really my business but I'm going to ask anyway," CJ
said, choosing her words carefully.
Josh cut her off with a wave of his hand.
"If you're going to ask about my mental state, I'll save you the
trouble. I talked to Stanley Keyworth
this morning. I think Leo must have
called him."
"It wasn't Leo," CJ said with a slightly guilty look on her face.
"Oh," was all Josh muttered.
"Thank you," he eventually whispered. CJ just nodded.
"So, if you won't call Donna then I suggest you get your butt in your
chair and start typing an email. A long,
kick-ass email. Tell her everything,
apologize, and grovel whatever it is you need to say to get things out in the
open. Because let's face it, you're
bound to run into her soon, working for opposing candidates and all."
"Thanks for reminding me there, Claudia Jean," Josh teased as he
slowly got to his feet.
"Always glad to help," CJ replied as she took the hand he offered
her to help her up. She held his hand
even after she was on her feet. She pulled Josh into a hug that lasted long
enough for both of them to become rather teary.
When they broke apart Josh reached for the tissues again, grabbing
enough for both of them.
"Do you think I'm abandoning you or I guess more specifically
abandoning the administration?" Josh asked as he leaned against the front
of the desk.
"What did the President say?" CJ asked, hoping to deflect the
question.
"No," Josh said shaking his head.
"I asked how you felt."
CJ drew a deep breath as she leaned against the back of one of Josh's
visitor's chairs. "That was my
first thought, that you were leaving because things seem to be going
downhill. But I know that's not
true. I know it's time for you to find
the next "real thing". And as
much as I'm going to miss you, I know it's what you need to do. Like you said, there's not much keeping you
here." Josh just nodded in
agreement as he stood up to walk CJ to the door. With Josh in his socks and CJ wearing boots
with 2 inch heels there was a 3 inch height difference and CJ took that
opportunity to lean over and press a kiss to his forehead. It started his tears all over again. Josh turned quickly away from CJ and she
left, quietly closing the door behind her.
Josh paced around the room for a while.
Every few minutes he glanced at his computer, knowing he should sit down
and type before everything he wanted to say was lost among the hundreds of
things fighting for space in his brain.
He went and made himself a cup of green tea using the tea bags Donna had
stashed in his bottom desk drawer. The
familiar scent of lemon and ginseng tea, Donna's favorite, was almost too much
for him to bear. He downed a few Advil
and turned the computer on. He was about
to enter her White House email address when he realized it was no longer
valid. With a sigh he logged onto AOL so
he could send the message from his personal account that only a few people
used. Holding his breath he opened his
inbox, hoping to see a message from her.
But as had been the case since she had walked away from him, there was
nothing from her. That's not to say
there weren't any messages, there were plenty from his Mom and Sam. All were
various forms of the same thing, "I'm worried about you, call
me". He checked the "keep as
new" boxes and opened the send mail window.
After 20 minutes of aborted attempts at an opening sentence, he finally
decided on one.
****************
Dear Donna,
I realize that there is nothing I can do to make you change your mind and
come back to the White House...to me. From the moment you left I have been
reminding myself that it was the job you left and not me. And while I suppose that is theoretically
true, the fact that you haven't made any effort to contact me makes me think
maybe my assumption was wrong. And yes,
I know, I've made no effort either. The
simple fact is that I felt more hurt than I could have ever imagined and
probably more than I had any right to feel.
My first thought was that I was a victim in all this. I now realize that's not at all true.
"People move on" is what Leo said to me when I told him you'd
quit. And while that's true, I always
had this picture in my mind that we would move on from the White House
together. Maybe you had that image
too. But I realize that image would hold
you back. We didn't need to move on
together with you as my assistant. You need to flourish and move ahead on your
own and I realize you feel you were unable to do that, working for me. And I suppose that was probably true. I never meant to intentionally hold you back,
please believe me. But we worked so well
together, we were a team and I didn't want to think about that team breaking
up. I realize that wasn't very fair of
me.
Looking back over my actions and my words during the last week you were
here I am horrified to realize how I blew you off. Deep down I guess I knew what you wanted to
talk about and I didn't want to hear it.
For that I am truly sorry. I was
immature, selfish and pissy, in general, I was an ass (you can stop nodding in
agreement now).
I've done a lot of thinking these past few nights, as sleep has been rather
elusive and I keep forgetting to refill my Ambien prescription. I've come to realize that things have been
changing between us for a while now. If
I had to pinpoint when things started to shift my first inclination would be
after the events in Gaza
Anyway, as Leo said, people move on.
You did and now it's my turn. I
resigned about 2 hours ago. It may seem
like a spur of the moment decision but in reality it's been coming for over a
year now. For the past few weeks I've
been looking for the next "real thing". And I think I've found him, Matt Santos. He agreed to run under the condition that I
run his campaign. It's everything I've
dreamed of for the past 20 years, the chance to "sit at the adult
table", to run a national campaign.
But if it's my dream then maybe you can explain to me why I've been
crying for the past 2 hours.
Maybe because part of my dream is missing.
I will leave you to interpret that what ever way you wish.
Going into the Oval Office tonight was one of the hardest things I'd ever
done. And the thought of making that
walk back to my office, knowing you weren't going to be there was almost as
hard. CJ did come to check on me shortly
after I resigned. We talked for a little while.
I know you've been talking to her lately and rest assured she told me
nothing about your conversations. She's
impervious to the "puppy dog face".
I explained how there was little holding me here. She knew what I meant without my having to
actually say it. As did President
Bartlet, by the way.
Back to my theory on when/how things have changed between us. When I flew to Germany
When you returned, wheelchair bound and well, needy, I felt good, as
strange as that sounds. I felt
needed. I felt like I had a sense of
purpose. For a while our roles were
reversed and I was the one taking care of you.
And for the most part, you let me do it.
But as you regained your sense of independence and could (excuse the
pun) stand on your own two feet, things changed again. The closeness we had while you were
recovering was replaced by awkwardness, pettiness and a general sense of
uneasiness on both our parts. It was
like some sort of line we'd put between us had been crossed when I got on that
plane and headed for Germany
I hope you've noticed I haven't mentioned the fact that you're working for
the competition. But in all fairness you
went to work for Bingo Bob before Santos
So I guess that's enough rambling from me.
Believe me when I say I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for
everything I have done, every mean thing I said and every action I took that
hurt you. I never meant for things to
end this way. I just hope it's not too
late to salvage some of this wonderful thing we had...we have. If it's space you want or need, I am more
than happy to give it to you. Just an
email to say you've read this is all I ask.
Josh
***************************
Josh hit send before he could change anything. It wasn't the most eloquent
message he could have written but if nothing else, he was honest and his words
came from deep inside. He took the final
cold sip of his tea and shut down the computer, intent on going home to get
some rest. He'd bared his soul, now all
he could do was wait.
He tossed the picture of himself, Sam and Donna into his backpack along
with a few other small personal items around his office as he wasn't sure when
he would be packing up the whole thing.
With his backpack on his shoulder and a large lump in his throat he
closed the door. He took a quick glance
at the cubicle outside his office as he blinked back the tears that were
threatening to fall again.
The night was warm for January in DC so he decided to take a little detour
on his way home.
Fifteen minutes later, with tears once again falling, Josh sat on the steps
of the Lincoln Memorial. For the third
time in 5 minutes, he punched speed dial #1 on his cell phone and promptly hung
up before the call went through. As much
as he wanted to talk to Donna, to hear her voice, he knew he wasn't ready. The wounds were too fresh, his emotions too
close to the surface. He flipped the
phone closed and put it back on his belt as he watched the late night visitors
coming to bid reverence to the marble likeness of Abraham Lincoln. He thought about all the times he and Donna
had ended up there after good days and bad, in the chill of winter and the heat
of August in DC, it had been their place.
The place where they shared their dreams and fears, wishes and hopes.
Sitting there by himself, Josh realized he had never felt more alone than
he did at that moment.
THE END
Back to Musings of the Misdirected
