Stumbling Towards Contentment

Donna sighed as she heard the sound of Josh and Ben coming in the front door. It was Thursday, the night of Josh's late class. The class she didn't want him to teach but Josh stubbornly refused and as a result usually spent most of Friday resting and regrouping. Fortunately Donna had talked him out of teaching on Fridays this semester, his first one back after the stroke. Josh had originally been scheduled to teach only two classes but at the last minute someone was needed to lead a small discussion class that met on Thursday nights. Josh had volunteered over Donna's protests. And now as the semester was drawing to a close he definitely wished he had listened to his wife in the first place. It put a bigger strain on him than he let on. He was used to crashing in bed by 10:00 most nights. And now it was almost 10:30 when Donna got up to head to the front door.

Donna greeted them both, kissed Josh and helped him take off his coat. Ben took Josh's backpack and dropped it on the stool in the kitchen on his way to the fridge for a snack. Josh headed wearily for the family room.

"There's leftovers on the top shelf." Donna called as she shut the closet door after hanging up the coats.

"Thanks." yelled Ben with his head in the fridge.

Donna went in the family room to talk to Josh.

"How was class?" she asked him as he tossed his cane aside and dropped into the recliner.

"Good. But I'm glad there's only two more weeks left in the semester." he said wearily. "Feel free to say, 'I told you so' anytime you want Donna." he added with a smirk.

Donna laughed with just a bit of bitterness as she balanced herself on the arm of the recliner and leaned over to plant a kiss on the top of Josh's head. "Why bother, it's not going to change things. Did you eat dinner?"

"Not really, wasn't hungry." he sighed as he reached for the remote and clicked on CNN.

"There's enough leftovers for you and Ben. But I would get there soon. He was looking pretty hungry." teased Donna as she tried to lighten the mood in the room a little.

"What?"

"Pork chops and rice with broccoli."

Josh seemed to contemplate the menu for a minute and then declined, "I'm ok. I'll take a cup of tea though."

"Sure."

Donna squeezed his hand and go up to leave. She stopped to look back at Josh before leaving the room. He was kicking off his shoes, already engrossed in the news.

Ben was eating at the kitchen table, a textbook propped up in front of him.

"Hey Donna. Josh going to eat?"

"Nope, it's all yours." she said with a grin. "Did he eat anything today?"

"Not much that I saw. I picked up some soup for lunch. He had about half of it. He was pretty quiet today too. Just didn't quite seem himself."

"Thank God the semester's over soon. He'll have a month to rest before the next one."

Donna put the kettle on for tea and popped the rest of the leftovers in the microwave for Ben.

"You didn't have to do that Donna but thanks." he said with a smile as she put the plate of food in front of him. "You need me for anything tomorrow night?"

"I don't think so. Hot date?"

"Well, I don't know about hot, but yeah, I have a date." replied Ben as he turned a nice shade of pink.

Donna loved to tease him about the never-ending line of girls he dated. Unfortunately none of them stuck around very long and Donna sometimes felt that was because of Josh. He had the tendency to scare off Ben's dates as he had done to her years before. Ben assured them that Josh wasn't the reason he never kept a girlfriend very long. The truth was he was always busy. He had school and his job as Josh's extra hand, driver, and occasional babysitter for the boys. He was a serious student, but like Josh, his IQ didn't break the bank and he worked hard for every grade he got.

Donna smiled as she watched him eat and study at the same time. He had been with the family for nearly 6 months and they couldn't image life without him. He was a big brother to the boys, a friend to both Josh and Donna and a tremendous help all around. He drove for Josh, helped as an assistant in Josh's office, baby sat for Jake and Jessie.

Most of all he was an extra set of eyes for Donna. She worked long hours herself and needed someone to keep an eye on things at home, to keep an eye on Josh. Despite the stroke he still had a tendency to push himself too hard and get too run down. It was a full time battle to get him to slow down. But Ben was good at getting him to slow down without actually coming out and telling him to. The way he interacted with Josh reminded Donna of the way Charlie was with Jed years earlier. Supportive without being smothering, able to run interference when needed, quick with a joke, a couple of tea or a few Tylenol. Josh gave him a hard time once in a while but Ben knew how to handle him. He knew when to push, when to back off, when to rat Josh out to Donna and when to just be his friend.

"Donna....Donna, the kettle's whistling."

Ben's voiced snapped Donna back to the present. She poured the tea and grabbed a container of yogurt out of the refrigerator, determined to get Josh to eat something.

"There's ice cream in the freezer," she called to Ben over her shoulder.

Josh was right where she left him, staring at CNN, absently tugging at his earlobe; something he did when stressed or bored. Donna put the tea on the small table next to Josh and handed him the yogurt and the spoon. He looked at it with mild disgust and decided that eating it was probably easier than arguing with Donna about it.

Donna sat down on the couch, curling up in the corner with the stack of files she had been reading through when Josh and Ben got home. She read for a while with one eye on the papers and one eye on Josh. Ben was right, he was very quiet. He finished the yogurt without a complaint and was halfway done the tea before he even said a word.

"Go ahead and ask." he said with a sigh as he flicked the channel to ESPN.

"Ask what?" muttered Donna, determined not to get sucked into their strange game of 20 Questions.

She was tired of having to drag everything out of Josh. It was like he wanted to talk but wanted her to beg him to do so. And she was tired of it. She had tried to cut him some slack for as long as she could. But now, 7 months after his stroke she was sick of begging to get him to communicate. It was just plain tiring and she had better things to do with her time.

Josh looked at his wife and wisely turned off the television. He slowly got up out of the recliner and moved to sit next to Donna. He gently removed the files from her lap and curled up next to her. She put her arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead. Josh took a deep breath and shivered slightly.

"Cold?"

Donna felt Josh nod against her chest. She reached behind her and pulled the afghan down throwing it over the both of them.

"Wasn't a good day today." Josh confessed as he wrapped his arm around Donna's waist.

"Didn't think so. Physically?"

"Yeah. Leg was stiff, had trouble eating."

"Sick to your stomach or have trouble swallowing?" asked Donna.

"A little of both, mostly had trouble swallowing."

"It's been happening frequently. Did you mention it to the doctor last week?"

"Yeah, she said some of it was a lingering side effect from the stroke and some of it's..." Josh trailed off as he yawned.

"All in your head?"

"Yeah. Along with the pain in my back." laughed Josh.

"You want anything else to eat?"

Josh shook his head.

"Why don't you go to bed?"

"I have some reading to do." he muttered, clearly not in the mood to do any of the reading.

"Do it tomorrow. You'll have time. Come on, why don't you take a warm bath. I'll make you another cup of tea. I bought some bubble bath."

"And how can I refuse an offer like that?" smirked Josh as he sat up.

"You can't. Let's go." said Donna as she stood up and reached for his cane. He took it with his usual sigh. Soon after the stroke he had realized the cane was going to be part of his existence for the rest of his life, much to his disdain.

Josh headed for the bathroom while Donna went to make some more tea. Ben was still in the kitchen, washing up the few dishes that were in the sink.

"You don't have to do that Ben."

"It's not a problem. Josh ok?"

"Yeah. He admitted to having trouble swallowing today."

"I figured that's what it was. I thought that was supposed to basically go away with time."

"It was, but for some reason that problem just keeps hanging on. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him tomorrow. I just have this feeling we're headed for trouble."

"Sure. Should be a light day, he's got office hours in the late morning and that's it. I'll call you if anything comes up. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."

"Good night Ben."

By the time the tea was ready Josh was already in the large sunken tub in the master bath. He was flipping through the latest copy of Woman's Day he had found sitting in the basket next to the sink.

"Anything interesting?" asked Donna as she shut the door behind her.

"Well, according to this survey I'm not at risk for osteoporosis or premature menopause." he chuckled as he tossed the magazine aside and slid further down until the water came up to his chin.

"That's good. Here, careful, it's hot." said Donna as she held the mug out to him.

Donna put the lid down and sat on the toilet seat. Josh took a few sips of the tea and set the mug down before sliding back under the water. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the bubbles. It was some bubbles made for cranky babies but Donna had kept a supply around long after the boys were past the cranky baby stage. She had found it worked wonders on cranky, middle-aged political advisor/professors too.

With Josh's eyes closed and him only half awake she had a chance to get a good look at him. She wasn't happy with what she saw. He looked exhausted and not just the normal tiredness that usually showed in his face as the week came to an end. He seemed to have gotten more gray hair overnight. The circles under his eyes never quite went away completely.

"Do I look that bad?" asked Josh quietly as he opened his eyes and found Donna staring at him.

"Pretty much." replied Donna with a sad smile.

Josh didn't respond; he just leaned forward and turned on the faucet to add more hot water. "You wanna come in?"

"Sure"

Donna slipped off her sweat pants and t-shirt while Josh poured some more bubbles in. He scooted forward to let her slip in behind him. She sank into the warmth with a heavy sigh, pulling Josh to her. He leaned his head back on her left shoulder and laced their fingers together on his chest. They stayed like that for a while. Josh eventually untangled their fingers to reach for the tea. Donna slipped her arms under the water to warm them up. She ran her hands along Josh's ribs, frowning to herself when she realized she could plainly feel each and every one of them.

"Josh, you're too skinny."

"I know." muttered Josh, knowing that the easiest thing to do was agree with her, especially when she was right.

"Have you decided what to do about the night class next semester?" asked Donna.

Josh had been asked by Jerry Blake, the head of his department to keep the same schedule for the following semester. The Thursday night class was a sore spot with Donna. She didn't like the idea of the late class. But if he kept the same schedule he would still have Fridays off to rest.

"No, but I have to let Jerry know by the end of next week. But I'm leaning towards taking it. Try and understand."

"I do understand Josh. I understand perfectly why you want to teach this class. This class is a room full of people who are just like you were 30 years ago. And you love it. But I'm worried about you. Do you even get that?"

"I know, I'll be fine. Trust me?"

"I'll try." she whispered as she absently ran her fingers over the pale scar that bisected his chest. It was faded but the memories lingered on, showing themselves in the form of nightmares and panic attacks that refused to fade away completely.

"Let's get out."

"OK" agreed Donna.

She got out first, dried off and threw the t-shirt back on. She handed Josh a towel and held out her hand for him to take as he climbed over the side of the tub. He kind of gave her an annoyed look and climbed out himself. Luckily Donna's reflexes were quick and she managed to catch him before he fell. He went into the bedroom and put on his pajamas without a word. Donna did the same. She thought about trying to talk to him but sometimes at the end of a long day she just didn't have the energy. And today was one of those days. She sighed to herself as she realized "those days" were coming more and more frequently.

Twenty minutes later they were sound asleep.

The following week flew by. Josh was wrapping up his classes. Donna was busy at work, getting things ready so they could all enjoy their winter break. The boys were looking forward to vacation.

The family, and Ben, managed to all eat dinner together the following Thursday before Josh's class.

As was usual on Thursday, Josh dragged himself in the door after class. He didn't even bother to stop for a snack when he got home. He just headed straight for bed. Donna just rolled her eyes at him and went into the kitchen.

Josh slept soundly for the first time in a few nights. Donna let him sleep in, taking the boys to school herself.

Ben knocked on the door to Josh and Donna's room a little after 10:00. He loathed waking Josh up the same way Charlie loathed having to wake Jed.

"Josh, you up? You have office hours in an hour. It's snowing, we need to leave early." No response. "Josh," he tried a little louder.

That was enough to get Josh moving.

"Yeah, I'm up. I'll be ready in half an hour."

Exactly 29 minutes later Josh and Ben stepped out the front door and into the first snowfall of the season. I was also the first snowfall where Josh had to rely on the cane and Ben was keeping a close eye on him to see how he was faring.

"Benjamin Weaver, I am fine. I'm not going to fall." said Josh as he tried to whack Ben in the knees with the cane.

"OK," chuckled Ben as he hit the remote to unlock the door.

Josh really shouldn't have spoken so soon about not falling.

His office hours were over and he was supposed to meet Ben in the courtyard. He had just stepped down off the bottom step of his building and the cane hit a patch of ice. He tried to grab onto the railing and would have made it if it hadn't been for his backpack. It slid down his arm and the sheer weight of it pushed his arm down and he wasn't able to catch himself. Ben saw the whole thing happened from where he was waiting, not 20 yards away. He was at Josh's side in an instant. By that time Josh was sitting up with a gloved hand pressed against the back of his head.

"Let me see." said Ben as he carefully moved Josh's hand out of the way to reveal a gash. It wasn't very long but it was deep enough that it would need a few stitches to close. Josh reached into his pocket with his other hand and produced his handkerchief. By now a small crowd was gathered around them. Much to Josh's annoyance. Ben grabbed Josh's glasses that were sitting next to him on the ground. He held them up in front of him and determined that they were still in one piece. He carefully put them back on Josh.

By now Jerry Blake had wandered out to see what the commotion was. He helped Ben get Josh on his feet and they walked slowly over to the university's infirmary so they could have someone take a look at Josh's head.

"You want me to call Donna yet?" asked Ben as he helped Josh up onto the table in the exam room.

"Nah, let's see what they say. Who knows, maybe I just need a Band-Aid."

Ben just shook his head and rolled his eyes as he took a good look at the blood soaked wad of gauze Josh was pressing against the back of his head.

Ten minutes later the doctor had cleaned up the cut. He would have had no problem stitching it up for Josh but he wanted Ben to take Josh to the emergency room. The doctor wasn't impressed with how Josh's eyes reacted when he shined the light into them. He was worried about a possible concussion and wanted someone else to take a look at him.

"Now can I call Donna?" sighed Ben.

"Sure."

Donna was in Billy's office; they had just finished up a late lunch and were going over what needed to be wrapped up before the break. Donna's assistant Megan knocked softly and poked her head in, informing Donna that Ben was on the phone. Donna excused herself and quickly went into her office to take the call.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Don't panic. It's probably nothing major..."

"Ben." she said in a tone that told him to get to the point, and fast.

"Josh slipped on the ice and hit the back of his head. The doctor here at the infirmary said it'll need a few stitches. He's not impressed with how Josh's eyes reacted to the light so we're heading over to GW so they can check for a concussion. We'll be there in about 20 minutes."

"I'll meet you there."

Donna grabbed her things, told Megan what happened and asked her to tell Billy. She was out the door and on the cell phone getting someone to meet the boys after school in case Ben didn't get home in time to meet them.

Josh had just been taken into a room when Donna got there. A shudder ran through her as she stepped into the Emergency Room. She brushed aside the memories and went to the desk to ask where Josh had been taken.

She pushed the door open. Ben was pacing around the room nervously; Josh was sitting on the exam table, looking down, trying to rub the blood off his hands. The annoyed and pissed off feelings she had been hanging on to over the past week melted away at the sight of Josh. No matter how pissed she was or how big a pain in the ass he was being, the sight of Josh in pain was enough to break her heart. It always had been and unfortunately for her, Josh knew that.

"Josh." sighed Donna trying to hold back the tears she was surprised to find in her eyes.

"I'll just...." Ben trailed off as he stepped out of the room.

The doctor came in a few minutes later. He stitched Josh up and did a quick neurological exam. His findings were the same as the doctor at the university and he sent Josh for a CAT scan.

Donna went to give Ben an update and to send him home to meet the boys. The doctor came out to get her when Josh was back in the room.

"How is he?" she asked nervously.

"Let's go in a see him. I'll explain our findings."

Donna got a look of panic on her face.

"Mrs. Lyman, he's going to be fine. Don't worry."

Josh was curled up on the bed when they got into the room.

"Hey." he whispered, "Well, am I going to live?" he smirked.

"Yeah, I think you have another few years left." chuckled the doctor.

"Seriously..."

"Based on your recollections and those of your friend plus the findings from my exam and the tests I'd say you've got yourself a nice concussion. You'll be fine in a couple of days..."

"Great. Donna let's go."

"Whoa, Josh, slow down." said Dr. Baines as he put his hand on Josh's arm. "With you’re history I'd like you to stick around for a little while. We'll observe you for a few hours and if you're not having any problems we'll let you go. Deal?"

"Fine." sighed Josh.

"I'll arrange for another room. Things are a little nuts here in the ER this afternoon. Lots of weather related accidents." he said with a grin.

"Funny." snorted Josh.

Half an hour later Josh was settled into a private room. The headache that had been building since the accident was out in full force. The nurse gave him some Tylenol and Donna turned the light off in the room so he could try and get some rest.

"You'll stay?" he asked Donna.

"Of course."

Donna pulled up a chair and gently brushed back his hair and caressed his cheek until he fell asleep. Two hours later the nurse was back to see if she could wake Josh easily. He woke up easily but unfortunately he also woke up sick to his stomach and puked on the nurse's shoes. She took it in stride and helped Donna get Josh cleaned up before she went to change her scrub pants and her shoes.

After settling Josh down Donna went to get some ginger ale for him and to check the messages on her cell phone. Sam had called the house and Ben had relayed the latest news so he called to check up on the situation. Donna was going to step outside and call him back but she knew Josh would start to panic if she left him alone too long. Between the shooting and the stroke Josh didn't do well in a hospital at all.

Josh was curled up on the bed, facing away from the door when Donna got back to the room.

"Hey. Feel any better?" she asked as she nudged him over a little so she could sit on the bed.

"Not really."

"Here try some of this." she said as she handed the soda to him. "Sam called the house. Ben filled him in."

"Don't tell me, he hopped on the next flight out here." snorted Josh.

"No. I didn't call him back. I'll call him after we're home." said Donna as calmly as she could. "And he didn't hop on the first flight out when you had the stroke. He waited for a few days. And let's not forget he was a huge help when we finally got home."

"I know." whispered Josh. "It's just...I don't know...I feel..."

"Sshh, honey, it's ok. Close your eyes and get some more sleep before they come to wake you up again." suggested Donna as she rubbed his shoulder. At the moment she was feeling it would be a lot easier to get him to sleep than it would be to talk to him.

Josh chuckled a little and closed his eyes. He slept peacefully until the nurse came to wake him again. After repeating the scenario one more time the doctor released him.

A little before midnight Josh and Donna returned home, completely worn out.

"Josh you hungry?" she asked as she headed into the kitchen.

"I don't think I'm ready to eat yet."

"Then why don't you just go to bed." she said flatly.

Her tone surprised both of them. Josh just stared at her for a minute, not quite sure what to make of it.

"I'm sorry, it's just been a long day." she sighed. "Go get into bed, I'll bring in some ginger ale."

"Thanks." replied Josh as he turned slowly down the hallway.

Donna hunted in the fridge for the soda. Josh was asleep by the time she got to the bedroom. She put the soda on the night table and pulled the covers up around him. She watched him for a minute, trying to figure out where her attitude had come from all of the sudden.

And she realized, it hadn't happened all of the sudden. It had been building for about 7 months.

For the first few months after the stroke Josh had wallowed in a pity party of his own. And Donna had let him. Looking back that probably wasn't the best thing she could have done. But it was the summer, the boys were off and it was just easier to take them out, do stuff with them and leave Josh home to brood.

Physically, by the middle of July, Josh had come back as far as he could. Using the cane full time, suffering some from residual swallowing difficulties. He still had pain and stiffness on his right side from the shooting. Those things Donna had no problem handling. But the "poor me" attitude grated on her nerves like nothing she had ever known.

Things came to blows when Josh had decided, thankfully on his own, that he could no long drive. The house had not been a fun place that week. Fortunately that particular week the boys were at sleep away camp for the first time.

That week was the first time Donna had lost her cool since the stroke. Things had just been building up inside and she had had enough. She held nothing back as she let Josh have it. Yelling like she hadn't yelled since they were in the White House. And he yelled right back. And in some strange way it was good for both of them. Donna got to get rid of some things she had been hanging onto for months. Josh learned he could still bellow with the best of them.

There were two things that resulted from that incident. One was that Josh reluctantly agreed, after much discussion, to seek outside help in dealing with his emotions. He turned to Jed for advice and guidance. Jed had come down to Washington for a few days at the end of the summer. He spent time with Josh and Donna together, with them separately and with the family as a whole. It was Jed who had finally gotten through to Josh that he needed help. It was also Jed's idea to get some help at home. To give Donna a break and to help Josh regain his sense of independence.

So the second result was Ben. And his arrival helped a lot. Not just due to the things he did that were expected. It got better in that it gave someone for both Josh and Donna to talk to. Someone objective, someone who hadn't known them for years and years. They took great pains to make sure they didn't trap Ben in between the two of them. He was good at listening to both of them. He was careful not to run to one of them to tell what the other had said. He held things in confidence, up to a point. And Josh understood that Ben's confidence ended if he was in trouble, either physically or emotionally. Ben was fiercely protective of Josh. Most of the time that meant protecting Josh from himself.

Lately it seemed like Donna was relying more and more on Ben for information about how Josh was doing. And it annoyed her, with good reason. She didn't feel she should have to get her information from anyone other than the source.

The source that was currently moaning softly in his sleep.

Donna got up from the overstuffed chair where she had been reading. She sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to place her hand on his chest. He flinched immediately at her touch, curling up in a ball facing away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself.

As Donna expected, the soft moaning eventually gave way to restlessness and the inevitable thrashing that accompanied Josh's nightmares. She knew from years of experience that if she woke him up too soon the nightmare would return when he fell back to sleep. So she crept out of the room and headed for the bathroom. She returned a minute later with a damp washcloth and a couple of Tylenol.

Josh had rolled over into the middle of the bed. She could tell he was trying to wake himself up but without much luck. She put the pills on the table and set the washcloth on the other pillow. With a tentative hand she reached out to try and calm him down.

"Josh, honey, wake up. It's ok, open your eyes." she whispered as she gently shook him by the shoulders.

The thrashing came to a stop. His eyes opened and the cloud of confusion slowly gave way.

"Donna?" he moaned.

"Yeah, it's me. You ok?"

He shook his head a little and rubbed his eyes. "Head hurts." he said as his eyes closed again.

Donna looked at him with a face full of concern. After a nightmare he was usually wide awake, often needing time, a little television and a cup of tea to get settled back down. She was obviously worried more than usual due to the concussion.

"Josh, I need you to sit up for a minute." she said firmly. "Have something to drink and take some Tylenol."

He reluctantly sat up against the headboard. He took the pills from Donna and swallowed them with a little water. With a sigh he pulled his knees to his chest and dropped his head down. Donna took a quick look at the back of his head before running the washcloth over the back of his neck.

"Tip your chin up, let me wipe your face." said Donna as she nudged him a little. She wiped his face and kissed his forehead. "Better?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to..." he muttered as he slid off the bed and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. He limped into the bathroom without the cane and returned a few minutes later, looking more focused and awake. He walked to the window and stared out for a minute.

"Snowing?" asked Donna.

"Yeah, come see." he answered softly as he held out his hand to her.

Donna crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "It's beautiful." she whispered as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

Josh took half a step towards the window and leaned forward to rest his head on the cool glass. Donna moved to stand next to him. She reached out to rub his back gently.

"Josh?" she said, his name coming out more as a question than a statement. She braced herself for the words he always said, "I'm fine." But they didn't come.

Josh pushed himself back from the window and took a shaky breath trying to control the emotions that were threatening to spill forth. He tried to turn and walk out of the room quickly but not having his cane with him slowed him down and in the darkness of the room he didn't notice that Donna had pushed the ottoman out from the chair when she got up to wake him from his nightmare.

He swore, loudly, as Donna reached out and kept him from falling over completely. She righted him and handed him his cane. He headed for the living room and she let him be alone for a few minutes. She moved the ottoman, straightened the quilt, rewet the washcloth and used the bathroom before heading out to check on him.

As she expected he was on the couch in the dark. He was sitting with his head in his hands, sobbing like he hadn't sobbed since right after his stroke. The sound broke her heart, as it always had. As strong and as stubborn as Josh was on the outside he had a vulnerability that few people saw. And when he hit bottom, he hit hard.

Donna grabbed the box of tissues and sat down quietly next to him. She reached out to rub his back. Instead of flinching at her touch he leaned into it, causing Donna's tears to start.

"Oh Josh." she whispered as she settled back into the corner of the couch, pulling him down with her.

Josh sobbed until Donna was sure he was going to make himself sick. He had tried to talk a few times but never got more than one or two words out. Donna didn't have a clear idea of what in particular he was upset about, not that it really mattered all that much at the moment.

Eventually Josh's body gave into its need for sleep and he drifted off in Donna's arms, having basically cried himself to sleep. Donna stayed until she was sure he was sound asleep and she carefully rolled him off of her and slipped off the couch. She covered him up and knelt next to the couch for a minute watching him.

"I love you." she whispered as she leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

Josh slept restlessly for a few hours; waking around 4 in the morning and wandering back to his own bed. A little while later Jessie wandered in and crawled in next to his father. Josh kissed his son and smiled when Jessie's little hand found his own.

The boys were up early, eager to get out in the snow. Ben got them breakfast and took them out to play and to shovel the walkway. Donna slept in a little, getting up around 8. She let Josh sleep and he eventually wandered into the kitchen around 10.

"Hey." he said as he walked to the table to sit down.

"Coffee?"

"Please."

Donna poured him a cup of coffee and handed it to him.

"So, I guess that was a little dramatic last night." muttered Josh. "Sorry."

"Joshua, you have nothing to be sorry about. How's your head this morning? Need some Tylenol?"

"Still hurts and yeah, Tylenol would be great."

Donna got him some Tylenol along with the rest of the pills he took on a daily basis. Aggrenox to help prevent another stroke and Paxil for the all around anxiety that had plagued him off and on since Rosslyn, and a multi-vitamin to help make up for some of his crappy eating habits. She handed him the pills and he rolled them around in the palm of his hand, giving them a look of disgust before swallowing them with some orange juice Donna had put in front of him.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Donna as she leaned against the counter, sipping her coffee.

"What's there to talk about?" asked Josh flatly as he turned his attention to the newspaper.

"Apparently nothing." muttered Donna as she poured the rest of the coffee in the sink and turned to leave. "I'm going out to shovel with the boys if you need anything."

As she put on her coat and boots she realized that wasn't the nicest thing she could have said to Josh, but at that point being nice wasn't high on her list of things to do.

And that's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went. Josh and Donna snapped at each other, for both legitimate reasons and some not so legitimate ones. The boys were starting to pick up on the tension in the house and Ben was doing his best to distract them.

Sunday afternoon found Josh brooding in his study and Donna cleaning, which was what she usually did when she found herself pissed at her husband. Ben found her cleaning the grout in the bathroom with a toothbrush.

"Uh, Donna, you want me to get the boys out of here for a while?"

"Yeah, thanks. Why don't you take the van and go down and pick out a Christmas tree?"

"OK, you want me to take them to lunch too."

"Sure." said Donna as she turned her attention back to the grout.

Ben smiled and started to leave.

"Hey Ben...thanks. I know things haven't been exactly pleasant around here the last few days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm about to call in the reinforcements."

"Sam or Josiah Bartlet?" asked Ben with a grin.

"Probably both. Looks like Josh might need to be double-teamed. You know I don't like to ask you this..."

"He hasn't said anything to me that would give me a clue as to what is wrong."

"Didn't think so. Thanks for taking the boys. Can you just do me a favor before you leave..."

"Ask Josh if he wants to go?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Donna heard the front door shut and she took a quick look out the window to see just Ben and the boys get into the van. She returned to her cleaning, stopping about an hour later to get something to eat. There was no sign of Josh and no noise was coming from the study. With a sandwich in one hand and a can of soda in the other she went down the hall to check on him. He was asleep on the couch, glasses on, book on his chest, TV muted on CNN. Slipping the book out of his grasp and the glasses off his nose she pulled the afghan over him and turned out the light.

Something made her stay in the study. Maybe it was because for the first time in what seemed like days she could be in the same room as her husband and not want to wring his neck. In his sleep he was peaceful, quiet and still. Well, as still as Josh Lyman could get.

Donna sat down at the desk, turned on the little lamp and finished her lunch. She booted up the computer and opened her email. There was some junk and a message from Sam asking how things were going.

"Just peachy" she mumbled to herself as she hit reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject-Re:How's it going?

Date-12/15/2013

From:dlyman@aol.com

To:SNS@seabornandassociates.com

It's going....not so well. Been a rough weekend. Physically Josh is doing ok, lingering headache but that's all from the fall. Emotionally, well that's another story. Had a mini meltdown on Friday night. He was exhausted and in pain when we got home from the hospital. Only got about an hour's worth of sleep before a nightmare. It didn't seem like a particularly bad one but he didn't come out of it as quickly as he usually does. Which meant I was starting to panic because of the concussion. Anyway, he wandered out of the room and I found him sobbing a little while later. Really sobbing. Took a while to calm him down. Never really said what exactly was wrong and I'm not sure he knew anyway.

Basically refused to talk about it the next morning. Spent the last day and a half moping around, snapping at me, Ben, even the boys. It's a regular pity party around here. And you know what, I'm tired of it. Maybe that's a terrible thing to say given what Josh has gone through in his life but oh well.

Not sure I'm looking forward to the semester break. A month of brooding from Josh doesn't sound very exciting. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding but his refusal to talk just drives me nuts. It always has and he knows it.

Any words of wisdom you care to impart would be greatly appreciated. If you want to try talking to him, be my guest.

I'll keep you updated.

Love,

Donna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She reread it quickly and sent it just as Josh was starting to wake up.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" he asked as he pushed the afghan back and stretched a bit.

"Just emailed Sam. He sent a message. Wanted to know how you're doing."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth." Donna said with a sigh.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Josh flatly.

"Nothing, forget it. Look, are you hungry, you want me to make you something to eat?"

"Yeah, sure. Grilled cheese?"

"Fine." said Donna as she turned to leave.

Josh got up slowly as she went to the kitchen. He put on his glasses and checked his own email before heading for the bathroom. By the time he got to the kitchen Donna was putting his sandwich on a plate.

"You want some iced tea?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Donna leaned against the counter while Josh ate with enthusiasm, something he hadn't done in a while.

"Finally got your appetite back?"

"Yeah." Josh replied with a grin. "Come sit with me for a minute." he added motioning to the chair across the table from him.

Donna grabbed some tea for herself and settled down in the chair. Josh smiled a genuine smile and propped his feet in her lap. That simple gesture shocked Donna and she smiled as she reached down to rub his feet.

"Josh, can we talk for a minute. I mean really talk?"

"Yeah." whispered Josh.

"Good. Are you ok?"

"Well, my head hurts, the stitches itch and my back is stiff."

"Sorry to hear that but that's not what I was getting at."

"I didn't think so." he muttered as he took another bite of his sandwich.

"What's going on? You've been cranky, moody, and frankly not a whole lot of fun to be around lately."

"Gee thanks Donna. Just what I wanted to hear from my wife." he said bitterly as he pushed the plate away from him.

Well, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear Josh." she said as she pushed his feet off her lap.

His feet hit the floor with a thud and a look of surprise and pain flashed across his face.

"Owww. What the hell was that for?" he said, his voice and blood pressure starting to climb.

"Nothing." muttered Donna.

Donna took a deep breath and paced the length of the kitchen trying to get her thoughts together. She hadn't planned on getting into this fight with Josh this particular moment but as long as they had started it, they might as well finish it.

She glared at Josh until he was basically forced to say something.

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." he yelled. "Are you happy now?" he spit out as he stood up. He started to pace but realized he didn't have his cane. Somehow walking back to the table to get it just seemed out of place so he just leaned against the counter.

Donna just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Why the hell would that make me happy Joshua?" she yelled right back as she practically threw his cane at him.

He took it with a look of disgust and for a fleeting moment thought about just breaking it over his knee. Remembering that the cane was a gift from Jed and that it probably would only cause him more problems, he stopped his impulse. Unable to get a coherent phrase out at the moment he settled for grunting to release some frustration.

"Josh, talk to me. What is wrong?" Donna asked, as plainly and as calmly as she was capable of sounding at that moment.

He tried to take a calming breath before continuing. "Look Donna, I've been shot, I've had a stroke, I have a concussion, don't I have a right to be..."

"To be what, nasty, mean. I don't think so." she shot right back.

"Yes... I mean no. Nasty, mean? Is that what you think?" he asked, not quite believing Donna said those things.

"If the shoe fits Joshua" she smirked.

"Great, just great." he muttered.

"So because you've had all those things happen to you, you think you have the right to treat those who love you like crap?"

"Donna..." he bellowed.

"No, wait, I'm not done yet. You had those things happen to you. Were they terrible, of course. Would I wish them on anyone, no."

Josh started to say something but she put up her hand to stop him. He did so grudgingly.

"But you know what, I was there too. I sat in that waiting room at GW for 14 hours waiting to see if you would live or die. I took that horrible ride from the farm to the hospital with you 7 months ago. I watched when you struggled through therapy, when you struggled to eat. I was there when you wanted to give up. And I was there holding your head while you puked Friday night. So don't act like you're the only one who's been through hell and back." yelled Donna. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and added quietly, "I was there too. Don't forget that."

Josh just stood there silently, waiting to see what would happen next.

"I never meant that things weren't hard for you. I know they were. I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with."

"Josh, you're not the easiest person to live with on a good day." said Donna. That line was something she had said many times over the years in a teasing tone. But today there was no teasing in her voice and it made Josh's blood run cold and his stomach drop.

He hooked the cane on the stove handle and took a step towards her to gather her into his arms. But before he could she turned and headed for the front door, leaving him to stand there, shocked.

Donna realized her exit was both dramatic and given the weather outside, not very well thought out. She found herself standing out in front of the house in the snow without a coat. But she stubbornly stayed out there, giving Josh plenty of time to brood, think, whatever.

Back in the kitchen Josh was leaning over the sink, splashing some water on his face, trying to clear his head and keep from throwing up. He watched his hands as they shook. Leaning over with his elbows on the counter he put his head in his hands and concentrated on his breathing. He eventually calmed down enough to actually move. He glanced out the kitchen window and saw Donna out there in the cold, without her coat.

"That's typical." he muttered to himself. "She'll stand out there and freeze just to make a point."

He headed for the hall closet to grab their coats. Stuffing his feet into his boots he pulled on his coat and threw hers over his arm. Taking a deep breath he opened the front door and went out to face his wife.

Donna heard the door open but didn't flinch. Josh held out her coat and she took it without a word. Stubbornly they stood there, snow and wind whipping around them. Finally Josh broke the silence.

"I'm scared." he whispered.

And there it was, the root of the problem.

While Josh's tone tore at her heart Donna maintained her stubborn stance, only motioning with her hand for him to continue.

"Could we at least sit?" he asked.

Donna nodded and followed him to the porch swing. He sat at one end and Donna sat at the other, as far away from him as she could be.

"Anyway, I'm scared. I admit it."

"OK. That's good. Could you maybe tell me what you're scared of?" asked Donna with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

Josh ignored her tone and went on.

"I'm scared of not being around to see the kids grow up, I'm scared of not being able to support my family. I get terrified every time I feel a new pain, every time I stutter, every time I stumble."

Donna looked at him and moved a few inches closer but still didn't reach out to him.

"There are days when I fumble through simple things, walking, tying my shoes, speaking. Days when I just feel like my body is betraying me and there's nothing I can do about it. And that's terrifying."

The wind whipped down the street and tears sprang to his eyes from both the cold and the emotion of the moment. He wiped them away roughly with the sleeve of his coat. Donna scooted closer to him, put her arm around him and pulled him close.

A few minutes later the boys and Ben came down the street. Ben pulled the van into the driveway with a huge evergreen on the roof rack.

"Oh no, they got the biggest one they could find." muttered Josh.

Donna kissed his forehead and gave his shoulder a squeeze, "We'll talk later?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you go in and order some pizza for dinner. I'll help Ben with the tree."

"OK." he agreed as he took the cane from Donna.

Two hours later the tree was in the stand in front of the bay window, the pizza was gone and Josh and the boys were in the family room watching television. Ben was out on the date that was supposed to have taken place on Friday night and Donna was putting in a load of laundry.

She wandered in to check on her "boys". She smiled at the sight of the three of them sprawled out on the couch. Josh was in one corner with Jessie sitting in his lap and Jake was at the opposite end, his legs stretched out along side Josh's. They were intently watching some science fiction movie.

"Showers when this is over boys."

"Yeah, Mom." they said together.

Josh turned his head, caught Donna's eye and winked. She smiled and headed upstairs to get some things ready for the morning.

By 10:00 the boys were asleep. Donna was propped up in bed with a stack of paperwork, her hair pulled back and her reading glasses perched on her nose. Josh was restlessly wandering around the house, the tapping of his cane giving away his every move.

Donna heard him go down the hall towards the kitchen about 10 minutes earlier and she hadn't heard the tapping since. She got up to see what trouble he was getting himself into, or more likely what junk food he was trying to sneak.

Creeping down the hall she found him eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton with a soupspoon while sitting on the counter in the kitchen.

"Joshua David, you could at least get a bowl." she smirked from the archway.

The sound of her voice startled Josh and his head shot up. He barely missed hitting it on the cabinet behind him.

"God Donna, make a little noise next time. I almost gave myself another concussion." he said with a grin. "I was planning on finishing it, why get a bowl dirty? You want some?"

"Sure." said Donna as she crossed the room and stood in front of Josh. She grabbed another spoon out of the drawer and took the carton from him.

They shared the rest of the ice cream and chatted about the week ahead. For Josh the semester ended with his class on Thursday. The boys had school until Friday, December 20th. They were planning on spending a quiet Christmas at home, just the 4 of them. December usually found them flying off somewhere to spend the holidays with family and friends but this year they had decided to keep things low-key, just hang around at home. It had been Donna's idea originally but Josh and the boys had warmed up to it. Now, given the events of the last few days, Donna wasn't too sure about spending the whole vacation at home.

With the ice cream finished and the small talk ending Josh reached out and took Donna's hand. He was still sitting on the counter and she moved to stand in between his knees. She wrapped her arms around Josh's waist and slipped her cold hands under his sweatshirt to warm them up.

"Two can play at that game." he teased as he lifted the hem of Donna's shirt and put his own hands against the warm skin of her back. Planting a kiss on her forehead he whispered, "So, you wanted to talk some more."

"I did. But now I have a better idea." she said as she pulled back to look him in the eye. "You recovered enough?" she asked huskily.

"Oh yeah." he grinned as he slid off the counter and grabbed his cane.

When the two of them got to the bedroom and Josh was trying to quickly get rid of his jeans Donna warned him, "Don't think this is getting you out of talking all together." she said with a smirk.

"I wouldn't dream of thinking that." responded Josh as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head.

A few minutes later Donna's clothes joined Josh's on the floor and they tumbled on the bed together.

Later they snuggled under the comforter by the light of the candle on the nightstand. Josh had just gotten out of the shower and was trying to get comfortable. He was on his stomach with the blankets pulled up almost over his head. His hair was still damp and Donna was enjoying running her fingers through the curls at the back of his neck.