That Could Be Me

Donna was right. Yo-Yo Ma rules. The concert was amazing. I just wish Abbey had been here to enjoy it. But New Hampshire snowstorms wait for nothing, not even the President. I'm just going to check on a few things in my office and then go to the residence and try to get some sleep. Something I haven't had enough of lately. Between the IMF meetings, Didion, Christmas cards, a suicidal F-16 pilot, Abbey being away and Josh I haven't been able to unwind at the end of the day. Josh…he didn't look well tonight at all, especially after the party. I don't think it was just the incident in the Oval Office this afternoon. I wish I knew what the hell was going on. The lights are on in Leo's office, maybe he has a clue. Well, actually I am not totally clueless to Josh's situation. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to have a good idea about what is causing his behavior. I'm just surprised it didn't happen sooner. I knock on Leo's door; he's on the phone. Who is he talking to? It's almost midnight. He waves me in and I take off my coat and undo my white tie. God, I love getting dressed up. I throw the coat on the chair, slip the suspenders from my shoulders and sit on the couch with my head in my hands.

"Mr. President, you OK?"

"Leo, please"

"Alright, Jed are you OK?"

"No, I'm not, got a few minutes?"

"Sure, I suppose you want to talk about Josh?"

"Yeah"

"Look, I'm sorry he went off on you earlier. It was totally inappropriate and he knows it. He will apologize"

"Leo, I don't want an apology. I want him to get some help."

"He will. He's going to sit with a guy from ATVA very, very soon"

"Good. His outburst, for me at least, seemed to come out of nowhere this afternoon. But it didn't seem like it surprised you and Sam that much. Well, I guess it surprised you that he yelled at me in my office, but it didn't seem like you were surprised that he basically exploded. Has something been going on that I don't know about. What has everyone been keeping from me?"

"Many of the senior staff have been worried about Josh for a few weeks now. Things started back when Robert Cano crashed his F-16 into the mountain."

"That started everything?"

"I don't think so, that's just when we started to notice things"

I get up and start pacing. I look out the window at the snow.

"What kinds of things?"

"Josh's just not been himself. He's been short with people, more frazzled than usual, distracted. Donna doesn't think he's eating or sleeping very well. She's really worried about him."

"I imagine she is. She's good for him. I hope he appreciates her like he should."

"Toby mentioned something about a conversation he had with Josh about the music in the lobby. I think it was about the bagpipes. Josh was saying they were too loud, you could hear the "sirens" all over the building."

"Sirens? not bagpipes"

"Yes"

"Did Josh explain the comment?"

"No, I think he just corrected himself and then started yelling at Donna for something"

"When Josh's meeting with ATVA?"

"They are calling me back in the morning. I think they will want to talk to Josh's friends. Do you want to talk to them also?"

"Yeah"

"Very well, Mr., sorry Jed"

"It's been a long day, I'm going to go up to the residence and call Abbey. Hopefully the snow will stop soon and she can come home. I really miss her."

"I know you do. So do I"

"You miss my wife? You'll have to explain that one to me"

"Jed, if Abbey were here would you be bothering me in my office at midnight?"

"No, I guess I wouldn't be. Goodnight Leo"

"Goodnight, Jed. Get some sleep. You've been looking pretty tired lately too. See you in the morning."

The agents tail me as I walk slowly back to the residence thinking about Josh. Sometimes I think maybe I should talk to someone from ATVA. But I don't think that would go over too well with the press and the public for that matter. I'm just guessing that the American people would like to think their leader is completely and utterly sane and stable, that he doesn't need to talk to someone from a trauma victim's association. I get back to the residence and say goodnight to the agents.

I go into the bedroom and flick on the lights. The bed looks uninvitingly empty. I go to the dresser and grab a pair of sweatpants and a Notre Dame t-shirt to change into. I change and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Just as I have a mouth full of Crest I hear the door to the bedroom open. Now what? I figure it's Leo, or Charlie, although I thought I sent him home an hour ago. I spit as fast as I can and go back into the bedroom.

Abbey. Thank God.

I wipe the toothpaste from my mouth with my sleeve and cross the room to Abbey.

"Let me guess, you're so glad to see me that you couldn't wait and use a towel?"

"You have no idea. How did you get here? I thought the airport was closed."

"The snow stopped just as your party was starting so I didn't call. I wanted to surprise you."

"You sure did, now come here"

I take her into my arms and hold her as tight as I can. It was only a few days but I missed her so much, so much has happened. Things we didn't discuss on our phone calls.

"Alright, Josiah, you're suffocating me. What is wrong?"

We separate and I help her out of her coat.

"Jed, you have the lost puppy dog look. Let me change and we'll talk." She heads for her closet while I grab the quilt from the bed and sit on the couch under it. "Does this have anything to do with Josh?"

"Abbey how could you know that. I haven't said a word yet."

"Actually I talked to Donna. I noticed Josh wasn't himself before I went away so I called Donna a few days ago."

She comes out of the bathroom wearing her pajamas and slippers, God she's cute. She sits on the end of the couch to my left and covers herself with the quilt. I sit back and put my feet on the coffee table. I stare at the ceiling for a minute and she snuggles against my shoulder.

"So what happened?”

"I'm not sure what's been happening for a few weeks but this afternoon Josh just exploded in the Oval Office. He went off on me, telling me I have to listen to him."

"About what?"

"It doesn't really matter but it was about the SPR, the IMF and my Christmas cards."

"Christmas cards?"

"Like I said, it doesn't matter what it was about. He just completely lost it. I don't even think he was aware of what he was saying. It was actually scary."

"Who else was there?"

"Leo and Sam were there, it was actually Sam's meeting. Josh was just there to give perspective."

"So what did you do after he stopped yelling. Don't tell me you yelled back."

"No, I didn't but I almost wish I had."

Abbey sits up to look me in the eye.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I just stared at him for what seemed like forever, when in reality it was probably 5-10 seconds, I put my glasses on and I went back to work. Leo sent Josh into his office and Sam left without saying a word. I couldn't say anything. Imagine that, me speechless. I went on with the rest of my day like nothing happened. How could I have done that?"

"Honey, you did what you thought was the "Presidential" thing to do. When you probably should have done the human thing and talked to Josh."

"Great, are you saying I shouldn't be presidential and human at the same time?"

"No, Jed, I'm saying that sometimes you have trouble doing both at the same time. It's an occupational hazard that comes with the job. You're not the first one to be afflicted with it."

"So I'm in good company?"

"Yes. So now what happened with Josh?"

"Leo talked to him for a few minutes in his office."

"Is he going to talk to someone?"

"Leo called someone from ATVA. He expects a call back from them in the morning."

"Good, now what about you?"

"What about me?"

She gives me her famous, "you're going to talk to me if you like it or not" look. I sigh, grab a pillow and lay down in her lap. She brushes my hair back with her left hand and laces the fingers of her right hand into my left across my chest.

"Jed, talk to me. What else is going on?"

"I can't explain it."

"Take a deep breath and try."

"Josh and I went through the same thing, we were both shot, although he almost died and I didn't. I guess I am wondering, could that be me? Am I going to have a breakdown at some point? What made Josh lose it now? Was it something I did? Does he blame me for his getting shot? Is he mad he was hurt worse?"

"First of all, I don't think you did anything to cause Josh's collapse. Donna said he was pissy with all sorts of people these last few weeks. I guess you were just next. I also don't think Josh blames you for his getting shot. As far as you having a breakdown, we'll never know until it happens, if it happens. Believe me, Leo and I will let you know if we think you are heading in that direction."

"Do you think I need to talk to someone too?"

"Probably but that's up to you. It's almost like you have survivor guilt even though Josh didn't die. Does that make any sense to you?"

I nod and try to speak but I can't find my voice. We stay silent for a while. Abbey brushes away the tears that I didn't even realize had begun to fall and holds me tight. I collect my thoughts and try to make sense out of the them before speaking.

"Yeah, I feel incredibly guilty about the whole thing, even though I wasn't the target. When shots are fired everyone's focus is on me, get the President in the car, take him to the White House, the hell with everyone around me. It's not fair."

"No it's not but some things just come with your job title. And, I'm sorry, but protection above all others is one of them."

"Well that part just sucks."

"I know, honey, it certainly does."

I glance at the clock. It's almost 2 AM. I have to be up and in the office in 5 hours. Just the thought of it makes me cringe. Abbey notices the time too.

"Guess we won't be getting too much sleep tonight."

"No and you need all the sleep you can get right now. I know you haven't been sleeping well at all. Have you been eating? And don't lie because I'll just ask Mrs. Landingham."

"Then I won't lie to you. No, I haven't been sleeping or eating well."

"I figured. You need to take better care of yourself Jed. We both know what will happen if you get too run down."

"I know, I run the risk of another MS relapse. Believe me, I am in no mood for that to happen. I'll try to take it easy over the holidays."

"OK, I'm going to get something to drink, why don't you get in bed."

I sit up and let Abbey off the couch. I sigh; drag myself to the bed and fall face down on my side. Abbey comes out of the bathroom and climbs in next to me. I face away from her and she wraps her arms around me. I can feel her breathing against the back of my neck. I kiss her hand.

"Abbey, I can't stop thinking about Josh, the pain he must be in, that could be me."

"Jed, in a way it is you. I think you are in more pain than you realize. But worrying about it tonight won't solve anything. Getting some sleep will help. We'll talk more tomorrow. For now just close you eyes, sweetie."

"I love you, Abbey."

"I love you too, Jed."

She snuggles against my back even closer. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. God, let things look better in the morning.

THE END

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