Thoughts and Decisions
It's been almost ten minutes since I sat back down, told Donna everything
would be ok, and put my arm around her.
Right now, more than anything I just want to hold her but given where we
are at the moment and what we are waiting for, that's just not possible.
Since Donna came into my office this afternoon and told me what happened at
the deposition I've done a lot of thinking.
Good thing I wasn't exactly busy today.
First, I, of course thought about how to fix this mess. I'm still not sure this plan was the best
idea. But it was the only one I could
come up with.
Secondly, I spent a large amount of time trying not to dwell on the fact
that Donna, uh...you know...with Cliff.
The mere thought makes me ill.
And yet, I'm not sure what part hurts the most, that she slept with him
on the second date, that he's a Republican or most likely, that's he's just not
me.
Thirdly, I tried to decide whether or not I wanted to know the contents of
the diary. I'm not sure I want to know
what's in there. I'm sure I am in there
but...do I really want to know what she thinks about me? I am sure reading it would force me to relive
a large number of incidents in my relationship with Donna that I would rather
not think about ever again. Not to mention
what I am sure are detailed accounts of my recovery, breakdown last December
and my health in general. And I
certainly don't want to read anything about Cliff.
I glance at my watch; it has been half an hour. Donna's still quiet. Taking a quick glance around I don't see
anyone. I move my hand from where it's
been casually resting on her shoulder.
She stiffens immediately as I start to rub her back. Taking a deep breath and sighing I
reluctantly move my hand. She gives me a
sad smile and goes back to staring straight ahead.
Twenty minutes to go and I've made an important decision in the past 10
minutes. Well, not actually in the past
ten minutes, I've been thinking about it for a while now. Probably since we got back from Manchester. Definitely since the subpoenas were handed
down. As much as I want to move things
forwards with Donna, now is not the time.
Right now what she needs is a friend.
She doesn't need to be dating the ultimate gomer.
Yes, that would be me.
We need each other as friends right now.
Anything else would just complicate thing more than they already
are. And neither of us needs that right
now.
She just checked her watch and looked past me in the direction of the
fountain and the coffee shop. I realize
she hasn't said a word since I sat back down after giving Cliff the diary. And I can't think of anything to do to make
her feel better. That makes me sad.
Anyway, a quick glance at my own watch tells me Cliff has another ten
minutes. Something that may or may not
be correct given the unreliability of my watch.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Donna shake a little. I figure it is from the cold until I hear her
choke back a sob. Now hearing Donna cry is
the one thing that completely and utterly breaks my heart, every time. She leans back a little, her back touching my
hand that's resting on the back of the bench.
Hoping she doesn't flinch again I run my thumb alone her spine. She sighs softly and leans back a
little. She turns to face me. I hand her my handkerchief to wipe away the
tears she just can't seem to stop.
Five minutes to go and she's managed to stop crying. She gives me a sad smile as she wipes away a
tear from the corner of my eye. One that
I didn't even realize was there. It's
amazing, we haven't talked to each other in nearly an hour, and yet volumes
have been spoken. Guess that is what
happens when you fall in love.
So for now, I'll be, as the Jimmy Buffett song says, Distantly in Love.
It's enough for now but not for always.
I feel Donna stiffen and sit up straight.
Glancing beyond the fountain I see Cliff approaching. He's too far away and it is too dark for me
to read any expression he might have on his face.
We stand up together and Donna squeezes my hand quickly before shoving her
hands in her pockets.
We each take a deep breath and walk towards the fountain.
THE END
