Ties of Hope and Love

This starts between Part 15 and 16 of a Nasty Turn and continues past the point that Pamala's story ends.

Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight

Nine Ten Eleven

Part One

Donna seasoned the stew one final time, turned it to low and grabbed her jacket out of the closet. There was a faint hint of autumn in the air as she walked across the yard to her car. Traffic was light as she headed for Josh's place. Earlier in the week they had made plans to have dinner that night and Josh had just called a little while earlier asking if she could come and pick him up. It was kind of an odd request; he usually drove himself over to her house. It was one of the few places he did drive to. Since the stroke he used the Metro when he could and when he and Donna went out, she always drove. So his request for a ride started a few little warning bells to go off in Donna's head as she backed the car out of the driveway.

He's just tired, she thought to herself. Although deep down there was really no convincing her of that fact.

While Josh was indeed tired, there was more to his request, much more. He'd spent the better part of the week catching up on appointments. He'd seen the cardiologist, his primary doctor, his therapist and his least favorite of all, the psychiatrist. He'd also been to physical therapy where he had been hoping to get the OK to get rid of the cane he'd relied on since the stroke.

Knowing he was likely to be both physically and mentally drained by the end of the week had prompted Donna's invitation to dinner. That knowledge has also helped to plan the menu of good old-fashioned comfort food.

Josh was sitting on his front step when Donna pulled up. He was still dressed in the clothes he'd worn to his last appointment of the day, his khaki pants had reached the hopelessly rumpled stage as had the plaid shirt with the rolled up sleeves. With his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down a little he was the picture of someone in need of a little comforting. Donna just hoped she would be able to provide it. She parked the car down the block in the closest spot she could find. By the time she walked down the block Josh was standing and giving a little wave in her direction. Hanging from the railing next to him was the simple wooden cane he'd used since the stroke. Apparently things hadn't gone as well as he had hoped at the physical therapist, Donna thought to herself. She started to say something about the cane but Josh put up his hand to stop her. He wasn't in the mood to discuss the cane or anything else at that moment. With a nod, she acknowledged his request. "Ready to go?" she asked simply. She got an expected nod in return as Josh turned to go into the brownstone. She followed him in and stood in the foyer, completely unsure of what to do. Josh threw his backpack on over his shoulder and awkwardly picked up his duffle bag, looking at it and then at Donna with hesitation and uncertainty. "You are more than welcome to stay," she assured him. Josh nodded with a little smile that didn't come close to hiding the fact that he was exhausted and hanging on by an emotional thread. Donna held out her hand and took the bag from him.

The silence in the car was almost deafening. Donna didn't feel like trying to drag anything out of Josh while she drove and he was more than happy not to try and explain what he was feeling. He stared out the window, silently watching the scenery go by.

When they got to Donna's she went to finish getting dinner ready while Josh put his things in the guest room. He kicked off his shoes, pulled his shirttails out of his pants and wandered back into the kitchen. Donna pointed towards the stack of plates and silverware on the counter. Josh picked up what he could with one hand and carried the things to the table. It took him three trips but he did manage to set the table before dinner was done.

After almost 45 minutes of near silence, Donna was beginning to think she had made a mistake by inviting Josh over. She let him eat, or more precisely, pick at his food for a while before she took a deep breath to start prying things out of him.

"Please don't," he pleaded, before she even had a chance to get a word out. "I'll talk, I promise," he said as he pushed his bowl back a little and put his elbows on the table. Donna motioned for him to "start talking". To Josh's credit, it took less than a minute for him to do so.

"Guess I'll start with the obvious," he said as he pointed to the cane hanging off the back of the chair next to him. "Apparently, I'm not ready to give it up yet." Donna just nodded but said nothing as it was clear to her that wasn't the only thing that had happened at PT. "The physical therapist and my doctor are "concerned" about my ability to operate a car safely," he snorted. "That's why I called for a ride tonight." He reached for his water glass, clearly giving Donna a chance to respond to what he'd told her.

"Josh, I'm going to be brutally honest with you tonight, about whatever should come up. Okay?" Josh just nodded. "I agree with their concerns. While you've come a long way since the stroke, you are still...unsteady. I do worry about you driving," she said softly as she pushed her own bowl away and reach to pat his hand. He pulled away, putting his hands in his lap.

"The cardiologist read me the riot act. Blood pressure's too high; pulse wasn't too impressive either, apparently. Changed some meds again. Lectured me about my diet and my stress level. Warned me about another stroke or a heart attack," Josh spit out as he ran his hand down his face. Donna said nothing. "That's it for the physical stuff, I guess. Doctor wasn't too impressed with my emotional state or my sleeping habits so she sent me to the shrink, in addition to the therapist," he explained.

Donna wasn't sure how to respond because the truth was she felt incredibly guilty. A great deal of his stress level was due in no small part to her and the secret she'd kept for years. It was a strange position she found herself in. On one hand, it was similar to years gone by; she was a friend with the ability to know just when he needed something, whether it was a cup of tea, a hug, an attentive ear or a shoulder to cry on. That part hadn't changed much; she could still read him like a book. But what had changed was the nature of his stress. Where years ago it had been disgruntled Republicans or misinformed members of the public, it was now his struggle to belong, to fit in and to make sense of all that had happened the previous few months.

"Turns out the shrink wasn't too impressed either," Josh snorted as he pushed back his chair a bit and stood up. He carried his bowl and plate to the sink, putting them in before returning to the table to grab another handful of dirty dishes. He said nothing more about his visit to the psychiatrist and Donna didn't push. They had all night; he would open up when he was ready. She grabbed the decaf coffee out of the cabinet and started a pot while Josh loaded the dishwasher. She smiled at how natural the scene felt to her. More and more over the past few weeks she had allowed herself to dream of the future, to imagine living out the rest of her life with Josh. But the truth was they weren't anywhere near that point yet. An uneasy truce had been reached and fragile bonds of renewed friendship were being forged but she knew they were both still too emotionally, for lack of a better word, "unstable" to move ahead by leaps and bounds. So their relationship although changed from years gone by, was still rather unique.

Josh finished the dishes and went out to the living room while Donna waited for the coffee to finish brewing. From the kitchen she watched him wander around. As was usual for after dinner, he was a little more unsteady on his feet than he was during the day. He walked around, stopping to look at the pictures on the mantle, the shelves and the entertainment center. It was sort of a ritual he had whenever he was at Donna's house and she never asked him about it. He wandered down the hall towards the bathroom, stopping to look at a wedding picture of Will and Donna on the wall opposite the guest room. His gaze left the picture when he heard Donna walk into the living room with their coffee. "I'll be out in a minute," he called over his shoulder as he continued down the hall to the bathroom.

Donna took a seat on the couch and waited for him to return. He said nothing as he sat down next to her and flipped through the channels, finally settling on ESPN as she handed him his coffee. "Decaf?" he asked as he eyed the mug warily.

"Yep," Donna said, "live with it," she added as she tucked her feet under her and turned to face him. He scooted down a little to rest his head against the back of the couch. She took his mug from him and set it on the coffee table. As he hadn't made an effort to give any more details regarding his trip to the psychiatrist she figured it was time to pry it out of him. With a gentle touch she reached over and hooked her finger under his chin so he turned enough to look at her. "What happened today?" she asked.

Josh took a deep breath to stall for a few seconds. He scooted away from Donna a bit, clearly wanting a little space, or more precisely not wanting to be touched, or held or comforted until he got everything out he wanted to say. "I saw the shrink today and let's just say it didn't go well. He basically called me out on a few things and to my credit I was completely honest. Didn't do a whole lot of good, in my opinion," he muttered as he folded his arms across his chest and let out a frustrated breath. Donna waited to see if he would continue.

A minute later he did.

"I admitted to him a few things I've been trying to hide, from him, myself and from you, I suppose," Josh sighed as his eyes slid closed.

"Things like what, Joshua?" Donna asked a minute later when he hadn't elaborated. The sound of his full name struck something inside of him and his eyes shot open and he turned to face her. He swallowed hard, doing his best to hold back decidedly "unmanly" emotions he felt welling up within him.

"Depression, way too frequent panics attacks, more than one full blown PTSD episode, nightmares, insomnia. Shall I continue?" he asked quietly. Donna just shook her head. She did nothing to try and hold back the tears which had suddenly sprung to her eyes. They were tears of shame and guilt, tears she didn't want him to wipe away. And he didn't. In fact he scooted back even further away from her. It was space they both needed.

"So what happened after you..."

"Confessed everything?" Josh asked. Donna nodded. "Well, in addition to new blood pressure meds, I got an anti-depressant, something to help me sleep and something I can take as needed for anxiety. I'm a regular damn pharmacy," he spit out as he pushed himself to his feet. Donna let him go, staying where she was while he started to pace around the room a little. "I suppose you're wondering how I managed to hide all that from you," he said quietly a minute later.

"Yes, I am actually."

"On bad days, I don't pick up the phone and call you, or John. I log onto the computer. It's hard to tell emotions through IM. I'm sure you've noticed I get off quickly once in a while. Usually I lie and say the phone is ringing or something like that. But the truth is, I'm usually heading towards a place where even an IM conversation is out of the question."

"How do you handle it by yourself?"

"Not well," Josh admitted. He stopped his pacing and back down next to Donna, closer than he had been before. She could have easily reached out to touch him, but she didn't dare without getting some kind of signal from him. And as he gave none, she kept her hands to herself. "Too much scotch and too little food, too many tears, occasional screaming into my pillow while curled up in the fetal position, napping in the afternoon when I don't get any sleep at night. Guess that about sums it up," he said quietly. His words were matter of fact in tone; they held no accusations, no blame. That might have been easier for Donna to handle.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. It was the first thing that sprang to her mind to say and she regretted it instantly.

Josh chose to ignore her words, to acknowledge them would turn the conversation towards her and that's not what he wanted. "That was this morning. I saw the therapist this afternoon. She agreed with everything the shrink said and put me on. She thinks maybe I need a change of scenery for a while."

"Does she know about..." Donna asked quietly, unable to mention her son's name.

"They both know everything. Therapy doesn't work if you're not honest. Through the years I've learned that the hard way."

"What do you think about her suggestion?"

"I don't know. I haven't had too much time to think about it, I just saw her this afternoon. What do you think?"

"I don't know either. I think there's a good side to it and a not so good side."

"You don't want to see me run away from my issues."

"Right."

"I don't want to run away," Josh said quietly as he took off his glasses and rubbed his hands over his face. It was clear he was nearing the point of exhaustion and that state was not one in which Josh Lyman should be making any life altering decisions.

"You're tired. Why don't you go put on your pajamas?" Donna suggested. She felt they'd arrived at a good "stopping point" for the night. She felt any more conversation was bound to end badly. The more she talked to Josh and reconnected with him, the more she understood him and his limits. It was a knack she had perfected decades earlier and it was coming back to her, just like riding a bike.

Part Two

While Josh got changed Donna put the empty coffee mugs in the sink, got him a cup of water and turned off the lights in the kitchen. When she went down the hall she could hear him brushing his teeth in bathroom. She set the water on the night stand and turned down the covers on the bed. She straightened a few pictures that didn't need fixing while she waited for Josh to reappear.

"What, no chocolate on my pillow?" he teased as he limped his way towards the bed. He sat down on the edge and motioned for Donna to hand him his backpack. He dumped out a big Ziploc bag filled with amber pill bottles. Donna tried to look away but he handed her one to open. "The idiot pharmacist gave me child-proof caps on the stuff from today. Do I look like I have young children?" he snorted as he opened a bottle and shook one into his hand. "I think I need one of those damn plastic pill containers, you know, one compartment for each day," Josh mused as he rolled the pills around in his hand with a look of utter disdain.

"Might not be a bad idea," Donna said seriously as she handed him the water.

"What time is it?" Josh asked. He'd already taken off his watch and put it on the dresser on the other side of the room.

"A little after 10," Donna replied as she pulled the covers back a little more so he could get under them.

"Ten," he snorted. "I remember when I was still at work at 10 at night."

"And I remember having to call you every morning to wake you up. Now you go to bed at a decent time and get up early on your own," Donna smirked right back.

"I go to bed at a decent time, doesn't mean I sleep," Josh said with a frustrated sigh.

"Did you take the sleeping pill?" Donna asked. Josh shook his head. Donna didn't say anything more about the subject. It was his decision to make. She tucked the covers around him and turned out the light on the night stand. "Do you want me to stay for a few minutes?" Donna asked simply.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Donna nudged him over a little so she had room to sit next to him. Josh turned on his side to face her. She rubbed his back for a minute. They didn't say much, but it was nice to have the connection. Josh was still awake when she got up to leave. "I'll be up for a while, yell if you need anything," she said as she pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Thanks," he whispered as he rolled over onto his stomach.

Donna went upstairs to change into her pajamas and brush her teeth. It was early for her to go bed. Since Will died, she had turned into a night owl, keeping much the same hours she did when she worked for Josh. Except now she got a chance to relax in the afternoon if she needed it.

She thought about reading a book for a while but decided she wasn't really in the mood so she went back downstairs to read her email. Usually she took her laptop up to her room and curled up under the blankets but she decided to stay in the office downstairs. It was down the hall from the guest room and she really had very little hope of Josh sleeping soundly through the night. She wanted to be nearby in case he needed her. She felt it was the least she could do.

She grabbed the afghan off the back of the couch, got a bottle of water out of the fridge and headed down the hall. The door to the guest room wasn't closed all the way so she peeked her head in a little. Josh was facing away from the door. She couldn't really tell if he was asleep or not, but he didn't say anything or roll over so she continued on to the office.

A little over an hour later, with her email done and her mindless web surfing getting rather boring, Donna shut off the laptop. As she was turning off the light she heard Josh muttering under his breath, some choice words revolving around the fact that he couldn't get comfortable.

"You okay?" she asked as she pushed the door to the guest room open a little more to let some light in.

"Can't sleep," Josh muttered as he turned on the lamp. Donna bit back the urge to tell him to take a pill. He moved over a little, giving her both room and an invitation to sit down. "Nice pajamas," he teased. And for a second Donna felt self conscious about standing there in front of Josh while wearing Will's old pajamas. "Don't," he whispered. And she knew exactly what he meant.

"What's wrong?" she asked as she sat down next to him.

"Can't get comfortable and one, or more, of the pills didn't exactly agree with me," he explained as he rubbed one hand over his stomach.

"I think I have ginger ale. Do you want some?" Donna offered.

"Yeah, I'll come out, I'm nowhere near falling asleep anyway," Josh muttered as he pulled his feet out from under the covers.

Donna rooted around the fridge until she found a can of ginger ale stuck in the back. She filled a glass with ice and poured the soda in. Josh had curled up on the corner of the couch and was reaching for the remote. "No television," Donna said as she moved the remote of out his reach. "You'll end up more awake than you are now," she said with a grin as she handed him the ginger ale. He took a few sips and handed the glass back to Donna. She turned on the stereo and found a nice soothing classical station before sitting down next to Josh.

The next few moments were nothing short of excruciatingly awkward. Josh was clearly uncomfortable and Donna was torn between just leaving him alone and her very strong urge to try and make things better. Years ago he would have just tossed a pillow in her lap, curled up and let her try and soothe him back to sleep. Now the two of them sat next to each other, staring into space, making a few lame attempts at conversation.

"This is crazy," Donna muttered as she reached for a throw pillow. She settled down at the end of the couch and motioned for Josh to put his head down. He hesitated for only a second before stretching out with his head in her lap. Donna turned the stereo down a little lower and turned out the light. She put the afghan over Josh's legs and gently rubbed his stomach until he drifted off. Still wide awake herself, Donna was in no hurry to get off the couch and go to bed. Truth was, she was thoroughly enjoying the fact that Josh was sound asleep with his head in her lap. Watching him sleep used to be one of her favorite things to do. It was as still as he ever got, the lines on his forehead evened out and he looked relaxed. Even though years had passed and the effects of age showed on his face he was still more attractive than most men she knew.

The clock in the dining room struck one and Donna yawned a few times. She debated waking Josh and sending him back to the guest room but he was actually sleeping soundly for a change and she hated to wake him. Carefully she slid off the couch, covered him up and kissed his forehead. She grabbed a Tupperware bowl out of the kitchen and set it next to the ginger ale, just in case.

As Donna crawled into her own bed, her gaze fell on the picture of herself and Will that was on the nightstand. It had been taken the Christmas before he died; they were sitting on the couch in their pajamas Christmas morning. They had given John a new digital camera for Christmas and it was the first picture he took with it. Donna ran her fingers over the image and put it back in its place. Some days she felt like it was time to take down some reminders of Will and some days it just seemed wrong.

Donna slept until her internal alarm woke her a little before six. The house was quite and she assumed Josh was still asleep. With a sigh she pushed the covers back and got up. She wandered downstairs and tip toed into the living room to check on Josh. Surprisingly, he was right where she'd left him five hours earlier. He was curled up, facing the back of the couch, snoring softly. She pulled the afghan up a little and reached to smooth down his hair a little. He muttered in his sleep but didn't wake up.

By ten, Donna had read the paper, did a few loads of laundry, paid some bills, showered and had gotten dressed. Josh was still asleep and she was glad he was finally catching up on some obviously overdue and much needed rest.

Josh was starting to stir as Donna passed by him with a basket of clean laundry. She put it at the bottom of the stairs and went into the living room. "It's about time you got some decent sleep," she teased as she sat down on the coffee table.

"What time is it?" Josh asked as he squinted against the sunlight streaming in the windows. He ran his hand through his hair, making what was left of the top of his head stand straight up.

"A little after ten," Donna replied as she reached over to smooth his hair back down. Josh smiled at the gesture. "Are you hungry?"

"A little I guess," he muttered as he tossed the blanket aside and let Donna pull him to his feet. He stood still for a minute, getting his bearings before trying to take a step.

"How about I make you some toast?" Donna offered as she folded up the blanket and rearranged the pillows. "You need to eat something with your pills."

"Toast is fine. I'll be out in a minute," Josh said as he headed for the bathroom.

"So, I'm sure you had plans for today. I'll just throw some clothes on and you can drop me home," Josh said as he finished his final bite of toast and swallowed his pills with the last of his tea. Donna just looked at him like he'd sprouted another head.

"Josh, what gave you the idea that I was trying to get rid of you?" she asked, barely holding back a chuckle. He just shrugged his shoulders, suddenly feeling rather foolish. "For the record, I have no big plans for today, other than a trip to the grocery store. If you want to go home, I'd be more than welcome to drop you off, but if you want to stay for a while, I'd like that very much," she said simply as she cleared away his dishes and put them in the sink. Josh surprised her by coming up behind her, wrapping his arms around her and planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you," he whispered as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

"You're welcome," Donna replied as she reached up to press her hand to his cheek. Josh unwrapped his arms and headed for the guest room without another word. Donna smiled and pressed her fingers to her cheek, over the spot he'd just kissed. A second later she felt ridiculous and pulled her hand away suddenly.

Part Three

"So, the grocery store was going to be your big outing of the day?" Josh teased as he came out of the bathroom freshly showered and looking ten times better than he had the night before.

"You look good," Donna said with a smile as he came into the kitchen. "And yes, the grocery store was my big outing. You have any other bright ideas?"

"It looks nice out. You want to go hang out downtown for a while?" Josh suggested. Donna thought about it for a minute. In all the time they'd spent together in the previous few months they hadn't spent much time doing the touristy things in DC at all. It was almost as if they had been avoiding it. The city held many memories for them. Memories they hadn't been ready to face. But now, things had calmed down a little and they both felt stronger, more able to handle things.

"Donna, Congress doesn't take this long," Josh teased, quoting an old movie.

She reached out to swat him with the dish towel she had in her hand. With the cane and less than stellar reflexes Josh wasn't quite able to dodge the towel she ended up hitting him in the side of the head. Josh feigned being hurt but Donna didn't buy it for a second. "Fine, downtown it is. Let me go put on a little make up and we'll leave."

"You look great without any makeup," Josh said sincerely. His being able to give a compliment and Donna being able to accept one was a big step for both of them.

"Thank you," she replied as she turned to run upstairs to get ready to go.

"Do you mind if we take the Metro? I don't feel like battling the traffic looking for a place to park," Donna said as she came down the stairs. She had on jeans and a pink oxford shirt, with a sweater thrown over her arm. Josh held out his hand and took it from her, holding it out so she could slip her arms in.

"Metro's fine with me. I suppose I should get used to taking it from now on," Josh said. His voice held resignation but no harsh overtones, which in Donna's mind signaled some sort of acceptance of his situation.

Forty minutes later, they emerged from the Federal Triangle Metro Station. They set off towards the Washington Monument. Donna had no idea how much energy Josh was going to have and how much walking he would be able to do so she let him set the pace. By the time they reached the monument he was in need of a rest so they sat down on a bench. Despite the afternoon sun, Josh shivered a little in the unseasonably cool weather. Donna handed him his sweater, the one he swore he wouldn't need and helped him into it. "A sweater and a cane, when the hell did I get so old?" Josh muttered to himself.

"Joshua, I hate to point out the obvious," Donna started, barely able to suppress a grin, "but you'll be 70 in a few weeks, you are, well....getting old."

"Thanks for the pick-me-up there Donna," he teased right back. He tipped his head back to look at the top of the marble obelisk but the clouds passing by the top of the monument made him feel slightly dizzy. He dropped his head back down to find Donna smiling at him. "What?"

"Dizzy?"

"Shut up," he grinned as he turned to sit sideways on the bench to catch a glimpse of the White House. He stared intently at the building and Donna eventually turned to see what he was looking at. She smiled at the flood of sudden memories and tentatively reached out to touch his shoulder. Josh didn't flinch, which was surprising in and of itself, instead he leaned back a little, letting Donna hold him. She put her chin on his shoulder and together they sat and watched the White House while scores of memories, good and bad came rushing back. "How can I leave this?" Josh asked quietly a few minutes later. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, head hanging down a little. Donna rubbed his back and tried to get her thoughts in order before she tried to talk to Josh.

"Josh sit up for a minute," she urged as she patted his hip. He sat up, faced forward and slumped back down, stretching his legs out in front of him. "So I take it you are considering the therapist's suggestion."

"I guess. I don't know. What do you think?"

Donna shook her head. "No, doesn't matter what I think. It's not my decision to make," she said simply.

"It matters to me," Josh whispered harshly. "It shouldn't, but it does."

"I know. And I also know that that annoys to no end. You should hate me but you don't."

"I hate that I need you," he whispered.

"I know," Donna said quietly. It was a familiar theme. Josh struggled daily with his conflicted feelings. Torn between how he thought he should feel and how he really did feel. Donna struggled too, torn between wanting to help him, to comfort him and the feeling that she didn't even deserve to be in his company.

"So what should I do?" he asked again, hoping Donna would just answer.

"Fine, you really want my opinion?" Josh nodded. "I think you should get away for a while. Take a trip. You're more than entitled and more than able to go anywhere you want."

"But isn't it running away?"

"From what? John's away at school, you can IM him anytime you want. There's nothing here to run away from."

"Not true," he said simply. Donna knew what he meant but she wanted to hear him say it. "There's you," he said quietly.

"Shouldn't matter."

"But it does. Could we please not go around in circles," Josh pleaded rather forcefully as he pushed himself to his feet. He went to take a step away from the bench but he realized he didn't have his cane. It was sitting on the bench on the other side of Donna. She handed it to him wordlessly and let him walk away. She doubted he was going very far. She watched as he walked over to a flag pole and leaned on it, staring out towards the White House. He stayed there for a minute or so before continuing to circle around towards the Capitol. Donna lost sight of him as he walked to the opposite side of the monument but she stayed where she was. He needed time and the truth was so did she.

Josh eventually circled completely around, coming back to stand in front of Donna. He silently held out his hand, a gesture that must have been hard for him to make. Donna took it without hesitation. She let him pick their next destination. Not surprisingly he steered them in the direction of the Lincoln Memorial.

For years the Lincoln Memorial had been their "place". They went there to celebrate, to brood and to cry. They spent hours huddled under warm winter coats and hours basking in the warmth of summer in DC. Sometimes they are silent and other times, they couldn't get their words out fast enough. Over the previous 2 decades, both of them had made more than a passing effort to avoid the marble likeness of Abraham Lincoln. Like the White House that spot held too many memories, too many reminders of what had once been.

By the time they reached the end of the Reflecting Pool Josh was in need of a place to sit. Donna steered them towards the nearest bench and went to buy a bottle of water from the vendor at the edge of the path.

"I used to be able to run back to the White House from the Capitol without breaking a sweat," Josh muttered.

"That must have been long before I knew you," Donna snorted.

"Funny."

"You're doing fine Josh. You've come a long way in the last few months," Donna replied trying to both reassure him and keep him from heading down self pity lane.

"But I didn't come all the way back," he whispered as he tapped his cane on the ground.

"But this," Donna said as she tapped her finger against his temple, "this came all the way back." Josh nodded in agreement. He finished what he wanted of the water and handed the rest to Donna. She finished it without a second thought before pulling him to his feet. "Come on, Abe is calling us," she said with a grin.

They entered the bottom of the monument on the left side and took the elevator up as there was no way Josh was going to even try and navigate his way up the steps. It wasn't too crowded; school had started for most kids the week before so the tourist traffic was light. Josh stood directly in front of the massive statue, bidding silent reverence to the man seated before him. Donna stood off to the side a little, leaning against one of the columns. She watched Josh, trying to get a handle on what he was thinking or feeling. She realized she couldn't read the emotions on his face at all. That realization hit her hard. In years gone by she could have guessed his mood at twenty paces, now she was all but clueless as to what was going on with him.

She watched as a few more minutes went by. People passed by Josh, almost giving him room as he stood leaning on his cane gazing at Abe Lincoln. As if a light switch had been turned on his expression became readable to Donna. It was one of a path chosen, a resolution made. He turned to smile at Donna, his hand outstretched towards her. She pushed herself away from the column and took his hand. Josh surprised her by pulling her into his arms for a second. He dropped his chin to her shoulder and whispered in her ear. "Come sit, I've made a decision."

They walked to the steps and went halfway down, to the landing. Holding onto Donna with one hand Josh lowered himself onto the marble step. Donna sat next to him, stretching her long legs out in front of her. "Well, Joshua Lyman, don't keep me waiting," she teased as she nudged his shoulder.

"I'm going to go away for a while," he stated simply.

"Paris, Rome, where?" Donna asked suddenly excited for him.

"I don't think I'm up to anything that exotic," Josh sighed. "I still have my mom's old place in Florida. I think I'll go down there for a while. Isn't that where all old people go for the winter?" he asked with a teasing tone, not the frustration Donna had come to expect.

"Some do. I can't believe you still have it."

"It's a vacation spot for ex-Bartlet staffers actually. I don't even remember who all has keys to it. Over the years I thought it was silly to have it empty so much of the time. So I offered it to everyone I knew. No payment required. I just asked that everyone leave some pictures. I have an entire bookcase filled with picture albums. You'd get a kick out of some of them," Josh said in an almost wistful tone. "Are you sure it's not running away?" he asked again.

"Josh, you're not running from anything. If you were going to Tahiti, then maybe I would say you were running away," she teased, knowing that would get a dimpled smile.

It did.

"The place isn't too far from the center of town. A bus line runs right through the complex."

"Josh, I've been there, remember?" Donna said quietly.

"Yeah," he said with a sigh. He and Donna had taken a trip to visit his mom a few weeks before he ended things between the two of them. What he didn't know was that Donna had every reason to believe John was conceived there. "Anyway, I can get the weekly ride to the grocery store and probably Senior Citizen Day at the local mall."

"Josh," Donna said carefully, not knowing exactly where she was going or what she really wanted to say to him. It was just that his tone had gone from vaguely excited to frustrated and down in a matter of minutes.

"I'm fine," he said quickly as he tried his best to convince himself of the fact as well as Donna. She nodded and dropped whatever thoughts were on her mind. "I guess I'll book a plane ticket when I get home. No sense stalling."

"I'll miss you," she said quietly a few minutes later as she dropped her head to his shoulder.

"Come with me."

"Excuse me?" Donna asked as she suddenly sat up and looked at him as if he'd sprouted a second head.

"Come. With. Me. How hard is that to understand?" he asked with a grin.

"No," she stated simply. Her presence was the last thing she thought he needed. "You need distance, you don't need the one who's caused all your pain to go with you," she said more harshly that she had intended. Josh was taken back by the tone and he held his hands up in defeat.

They were silent for a while. Both knew the conversation wasn't really over, despite Donna's insistence that it was. But neither knew what to say or how to work through things.

"You hungry?" Josh eventually asked when he glanced at his watch and saw it was well after lunch time.

"Yeah. Union Station?" Donna asked.

"Sure, but we're hailing a cab. I'm not up to walking back to the Metro," Josh said as he let Donna pull him to his feet.

Lunch was a little strained, but no more so than many of their meals in the previous few months. Donna knew Josh wasn't done trying to convince her to go to Florida and he knew he needed to wait a while until he broached the subject again.

"To the food store now," Josh said with a goofy grin as he climbed into Donna's car which she had parked at the Metro Station closest to her house.

"You want to go to the food store with me?" Donna asked as she started the car.

"Well, like you, I didn't really have any big plans for today either," Josh admitted with a sigh.

The simple domestic chore of going to the grocery store was good for both of them. They were relaxed and didn't feel the urge to act a certain way or hold back on certain subjects. Josh tried to toss junk food in the cart and Donna removed his items as soon as he looked the other way. Without voicing their plans, they bought food for dinner and coffee cake for the next morning. Donna put in a box of his favorite cereal, Lucky Charms and Josh picked up a carton of Ben and Jerry's Cherries Garcia, Donna's favorite. Despite a protest from Donna, Josh handed the cashier his Visa card to pay for their purchases.

"Do you need to stop home for anything?" Donna asked after they packed the groceries into her trunk.

"Yeah, I need to grab the phone number of the lady who looks after the house in Florida and another set of clean clothes," Josh answered just as naturally as can be. He'd never actually asked to spend the night and Donna had never offered but it was just one of those unspoken decisions they'd come to. Just like the ones that came so naturally in years gone by.

Part Four

Dinner was nice, relaxed and familiar. Josh helped Donna in the kitchen and she was actually surprised at his ability to cook. It was something he'd learned after leaving the day to day grind of the White House. He was quite good at it but didn't get much of a chance to use his skills as cooking for one wasn't really all that exciting.

Since he'd done so much to get dinner on the table, after dinner Donna shooed Josh away while she loaded the dishwasher and washed the pots. She started the coffee pot and by the time she was done the dishes the scent of fresh brewed decaf had filled the kitchen. "Josh do you want coffee?" she yelled. When she didn't get an answer she went to look for him.

She found him sitting in the lounge chair on the back deck, a notepad propped up against his bent knees. He was talking on his cell phone and doodling on the paper.

"OK, I'll make a list of what I need and email it to you. Talk to you soon. Thanks." Josh jotted down a few more things on the paper before the scent of coffee caused him to look up. "That was Martha, the woman who looks after the place in Florida. I wanted to give her a heads up. She says to just email a list of what I want her to pick up from the store and she'll stock the kitchen."

"That's no fun," Donna declared as she handed him a mug of steaming coffee.

"What's not fun is going to the food store with a cane," Josh muttered.

"Yeah, like you'll be the only one in Florida carrying a cane in the grocery store," Donna smirked as she sat down by his feet.

"She says the place needs a little "sprucing up", whatever the heck that means. I'm assuming new sheets, towels and other things I don't care all that much about."

"You should care. You're going to be there for a while. Why don't you tell Martha that you'll do the shopping when you get down there?"

"Yeah, I can see myself taking the bus to Bed, Bath and Beyond to stock up on linens and things," Josh snorted.

"OK, now you're just mixing your stores and being a pain in the ass. You can certainly hire a damn driver if you'd like," Donna said forcefully but with a teasing undertone to her voice.

"Or...here's a better idea," Josh started with an evil twinkle in his eye, "you could just go with me and chauffer me around." He nudged Donna's hip with his foot for emphasis, nearly causing her to spill her coffee.

"Hey," she cried as she righted the mug before it spilled on his leg. "I am not going to Florida to drive you around," she declared.

Josh was silent for a minute as he sipped his coffee. Donna turned to look at him and he had his "thinking" face on, one she knew all too well. She could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. She also knew that there was no escaping the conversation they were about to have.

"Come with me," he said simply. Donna shook her head. "Why not?" he pressed.

"Because you need to get away from me."

"I don't."

"You do. I'm the cause of your pain and stress and..."

"Stop," Josh said softly as he reached to put his finger over her lips. "I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, you are the cause of SOME of my stress, not all of it. I want to work on us."

"What does that even mean?" Donna asked as she turned on the lounger. She tucked her feet under her and faced Josh.

"It means I want to get things straight in my mind. I want to be clear on how I feel. I just want to make sense of my life," Josh replied as he leaned forward a little, wrapping his arms around his shins.

"And you think you can do that if I go to Florida with you?" Donna asked quietly as she scooted closer to him, until she was close enough to drop her forehead down on his knees.

"Yes," Josh replied before leaning over a little more to press a kiss to the top of her head.

"How about I go down with you, get you settled into the condo and we see what happens? We could be at each others throats by the end of the second day," Donna teased as she lifted her head and gave him a small smile.

"Deal. I'll make plane reservations in the morning."

"Uh, Josh, flying down doesn't leave us with a car. Do you happen to have one parked in the garage down there?"

"No. You don't really want to drive do you?" he asked, hoping she would say no. He didn't think he was up to sitting in a car for that long.

"How about the Auto-Train?" Donna suggested. Josh could tell by the tone in her voice that she was starting to get excited about the idea.

"We could do that. I'll book it in the morning. So when are we leaving?" he asked as he tipped his head back and finished the last swallow of coffee.

"End of the week?" Donna suggested. She didn't exactly have too many loose ends to tie up.

"Deal," Josh declared.

"Deal," Donna echoed.

"Is there more coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll get it."

Donna walked into the house, put the mugs on the counter and drew a deep, shaky breath. She couldn't believe what she'd just agreed to. Part of her thought it was a dream come true, playing house with Josh Lyman, in sunny Florida no less. But the other part thought she was making a big mistake, one she hoped with all her heart wouldn't come back to bite her in the ass.

Josh was again jotting down things on the notepad when Donna went back out. She put the coffee down and went back into the house to grab a sweater as the air had grown colder. There was a storm blowing in, remnants of a hurricane that had blown through eastern Texas a few days earlier. She found Josh's sweater in the guest room and took that out too.

"Here," she said as she tossed him the sweater.

"Thanks," he muttered as he tossed aside the pad. He sat up a little to untie his sneakers and slip them off. That gave Donna a chance to slip onto the lounge chair, curling up with her coffee.

"There are other chairs you know," Josh teased as he pointed to the chairs around the table.

"But this is MY chair," Donna declared with a grin.

"Fine, we'll just have to share it," Josh announced as he scooted towards her a little and leaned back against her chest. His move took Donna by surprise and she hesitated for a few seconds before relaxing and putting her arms around him. Josh took her hands and entwined them with his, setting them on his chest. They were silent, neither felt the need to talk. As the winds gather strength and the temperature dropped, Josh snuggled deeper into her embrace, feeling for the first time in a long, long time that he was where he belonged.

That keen sense of belonging ended when the first smattering of rain hit him in the face.

They got up as fast as they could, grabbing coffee mugs, shoes, pens and paper as they ran into the house.

Donna ran upstairs to make sure the windows were closed while Josh did the same downstairs. She changed out of her jeans and into a pair of comfortable pajamas, a pair of her own, not an old pair of Will's. Josh did the same and when they met up in the living room, some of the awkwardness had resurfaced. It was a two steps forward, one step back sort of relationship for the moment.

"Why don't you go to bed?" Donna suggested after Josh let out three enormous yawns in the space of 5 minutes. They had just finished watching the news. He started to protest but yawn number four pretty much ruined any declarations that he wasn't tired. He awkwardly kissed Donna on the cheek and shuffled down the hall to the guest room. As he heard Donna go upstairs to her room he realized he'd never even seen the upstairs of her house. When he first came home from the hospital navigating his way around the first floor was enough of a challenge, never mind trying to handle the stairs.

Both of them fell asleep instantly, something that didn't happen all that often. Josh was plain exhausted from walking around the city and Donna found it easier to sleep knowing that she and Josh had come to some kind of decision regarding where things were headed. It wasn't a very "decisive" decision, things were up in the air as to what was going to happen when they got to Florida, but she fell asleep knowing where she would be come the end of the week.

The storm gained strength and volume as the night went on. A little after three there was an enormous flash of lightning and a huge crack of thunder. The whole house shook as sound reverberated through it. Donna sat up and strained to hear if Josh had gotten up. But the sound of the rain beating against the side of the house pretty much drowned out anything. However, her "Josh-radar" was sounding and she shoved her feet into her slippers to go check on him. She pulled candles out of the hutch in the dining room, just in case and she pocketed a book of matches she found in the junk drawer of the kitchen.

The light to the guest room was off but she peek her head in anyway. Josh was awake, at least she thought he was. He was sitting up against the headboard, forehead resting against his bent knees, arms wrapped around his shins. Donna watched for a minute, trying to see if he was indeed asleep like that. She was also marveling at the flexibility he had even though he was only weeks away from 70.

"Josh, you awake?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he answered as he picked his head up a little. His voice was quiet and ragged.

"Storm wake you?" Donna asked as she came into the room and walked over to sit on the other side of the bed. As she sat down and got a closer look at Josh, she was pretty sure it wasn't the storm that had woken him, unless he'd suddenly developed a fear of thunderstorms that had left him breathless and shaking. "Hey, what's wrong?" Donna asked as she crawled under the covers with him and gathered him into her embrace. Josh didn't answer. "Do you feel sick?" she asked as she felt his forehead. He was a little sweaty but didn't feel feverish. As Josh wrapped his arm around her and held on tighter she was pretty sure she knew what had happened. "Nightmare?" Josh just nodded against her chest. "It's okay, it's over, you're safe," she whispered as she kissed his forehead and rubbed his back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I can't."

"Okay, that's fine," Donna said. She loosened her grip a little a few minutes later as Josh had stopped shaking so much.

"Stay," he whispered fiercely, mistaking her actions and thinking she was about to get up and leave.

The sheer neediness and hopelessness in his voice tore at her heart. Donna pulled him close again and soothed him as best he could. It was apparent that he wasn't going to start talking anytime soon, but at 3:30 in the morning, Donna didn't care all that much.

The storm outside raged on, lightning made the room as bright as day every few minutes and the thunder roared. Josh flinched at the sound of the thunder but said nothing. Donna could see the nightlight in the hallway flickering. "Josh, let me go grab a candle in case the lights go out. Do you need anything?"

"Water, please," he answered as he untangled himself from her and settled back down on the pillow.

Donna almost made it back to the guest room before the power went completely out. She set the water on the dresser and fumbled to light the candle. With it lit, she handed Josh the water and sat back down on the edge of the bed, by his feet. He took a few sips before handing it back. He didn't ask, but Donna was pretty sure he wanted her to stay longer. That was just fine with her.

"Let me go find a flashlight or two. I'll be right back," she assured him as she patted his blanket covered leg.

"OK."

Josh had fallen back to sleep by the time Donna found a couple of flashlights. She debated just going back to her own bed. But she knew she had promised she would stay. So she did. She crawled under the covers and in his sleep, Josh rolled over and molded himself to her. While she thoroughly enjoyed holding him, she also had the nagging feeling that it wasn't right.

Part Five

The next week was a whirlwind of activity for both Josh and Donna. They tied up their loose ends to get ready to go to Florida. Josh was able to get Auto-Train tickets but unfortunately the sleeper cabins were sold out and he had to settle for regular sleeper seats. Donna looked at it as an adventure, he wasn't quite so sure.

Neither of them were quite sure how to tell John about their plans. They never really decided who would tell him, but in the end, Josh ended up telling him over IM. John and Donna had a long, long talk over the phone. She truly wanted to make sure that he was fine with the idea. He was more than fine with it; he got off the phone humming "Matchmaker, Matchmaker".

By the time Donna's car was packed and they were headed for the train she was relatively sure she'd made the right decision.

"I'm supposed to sleep here," Josh groaned as they found their train car. He eyed the seat warily before dropping his backpack down and slipping off his jacket.

"The footrest pulls out and it goes back. And besides you have the ability to sleep anywhere," Donna reminded him with a sigh as she tucked their jackets in the overhead bin. "Take a pill, you'll be fine," she smirked as she handed him a blanket and a pillow.

The train pulled out of Lorton, Virginia right on time. Donna left Josh in his seat while she went to get them some drinks and some snacks. Josh was sitting by the window, listening to his iPod and watching the scenery go by, when she returned.

They had opted for the late dinner seating, after the families with young kids had already eaten. The train wasn't full so they ended up at a table by themselves. The food was actually very good and they each had some wine. Donna cut Josh off at half a glass, reminding him he shouldn't be drinking at all with the medication he was taking. He whined a little but got over it when his meal came.

As the train rolled southward, Donna and Josh went down to use the bathrooms and brush their teeth. Donna took the window seat for herself as Josh was so tired he was likely to be out in a matter of minutes. He pulled his shoes off, pulled his shirt tails out of his pants and sat down. Donna handed him a pillow, tossed a blanket over him and turned out the small light over his head. He turned it back on and reached for a book out of his backpack. Donna humored him and not ten minutes later she was prying the book from his grasp as he was sound asleep. She carefully took his glasses off and turned the light back out. After reading for a while she felt her own eyes get heavy and she turned out her light and got ready to sleep. Josh was curled up sideways in the seat, facing her. She ran her hand down his cheek and leaned over to press a kiss to his forehead.

Thanks to the sleeping pill, Josh slept pretty well. He had woken up once just before dawn a little disoriented but he closed his eyes again and the motion of the train put him right back to sleep. They got up a little after 7, went to eat breakfast and were just putting the last few things back in their bags when the train pulled into Sanford.

Luck was not on their side when it came to waiting for the call to be rolled off the train. Theirs was one of the last numbers call and by that time Josh was rather crabby and restless. Donna hoped he would just fall back to sleep in the car as they still had a substantial ride ahead of them. Josh didn't end up falling back to sleep but he found NPR on the radio and was content to listen to that.

They arrived at their destination in the early afternoon. Josh had wanted to stop for lunch on the way but Martha called them to see when they were arriving and said she would have lunch waiting.

They spent the afternoon unloading the car, or more precisely, Donna unloaded and Josh complained that he couldn't help all that much with the carrying. She had him unpack everything and by that evening they were pretty much settled in.

There had been a lively discussion about rooming arrangements. From the moment Donna had decided to join him there was an unwritten understanding that she was going as a friend. There were no strings attached and Josh wanted her to feel as comfortable in Florida as she did in her own home. Meaning her own room. The condo had a large master suite on the first floor and a smaller bedrooms upstairs. Josh had tried to give Donna the master bedroom, saying it was already decorated in flowers and stuff, it was bigger, he didn't need all that room. And Donna turned him down saying, it wasn't right, she wasn't sure how long she would be there and the one point which won the argument for her, Josh didn't need to be running up and down the stairs.

By nine that night, Josh was passed out cold on the couch in front of the television. Donna was going from room to room, exploring a little, making notes on what they needed to go out and by. While the place was certainly neat, tidy and well cared for, things were a bit dated and Donna took it upon herself to change that.

She ended her exploring in her room upstairs where she changed into her pajamas and turned back the covers on the bed. She called John to check in with him and plugged in her laptop to check her email.

When she felt the long trip start to catch up with her, she logged off and went downstairs to wake Josh enough to get him to his room.

"Josh, time for bed," she sang out as she pried the remote out of his hands and turned off the television.

"Huh?" he groaned, obviously completely disoriented.

"Train trip, Florida, condo, anything ringing a bell?" Donna teased as she knelt down next to him.

"Cute," he muttered as he ran his hand over his mouth, just in case he'd drooled while he was asleep.

"Sleep well, we have lots of shopping to do tomorrow," Donna reminded him as she kissed his cheek and headed upstairs to bed, leaving Josh a little surprised. Most times when they spent the night at his house, or hers, she would basically tuck him in, make sure he had everything he needed and stay until he was almost asleep. Donna had certainly thought about doing that but as they were basically living together for the time being she didn't really want to get into that habit. She didn't think it was very good for either of them.

Donna dragged Josh all over the three shopping centers nearest to the condo the next day. By evening they were both exhausted but the place was looking much better. They'd picked up new quilts for the beds, floral for Donna and plaid for Josh, new pillows for the couch, new placemats and curtains for the kitchen as well as new bathroom towels. Josh complained, good naturedly of course, through most of the day but was more than happy to pull out his Visa card at each store. Donna was genuinely excited to be sprucing up the place and he guessed correctly that it was the first time she'd been that excited about something since Will had died. On the way back to the condo they stopped at the mega home improvement store so Donna could grab paint chips. She had grand plans of painting the place. Josh preferred to have her pick the colors and hire a painter. But as he'd learned long ago, once Donna got her mind set on doing something there was really nothing that could be done to change her mind.

Josh insisted on going out to dinner and Donna agreed on the condition that Josh rest for a while before they went out. He was exhausted, having spent more time on his feet than he had in a long, long time. He stretched out on a lounge chair in the backyard with the newspaper and a glass of iced tea. He managed to read most of the front page before falling asleep.

While he slept Donna put out the things they'd bought, rearranged some furniture, made some notes on what more they needed and finally sat down herself to flip through a few decorating magazines she picked up when they were out.

They went to a nice seafood place for dinner, not far from the condo. It had been there for years and years, a family owned place that prided itself on quality food and friendly service. It had been a favorite place of Josh's mom and he had usually taken her there when he visited.

Part Six

Josh put a moratorium on shopping for the next few days. Instead they spent time walking around the complex, feeding the ducks in the pond that backed up to the condo and swimming in the pool. Actually Josh didn't do all that much swimming, he was much more content to sit in the hot tub and watch Donna swim. Over those two days Josh also made a fair number of phone calls setting up physical therapy at a nearby facility and finding a doctor he could use while he was there. He'd gotten referrals from his doctors back in DC so the whole process wasn't too difficult. Donna was surprised that she didn't need to nag him about making the calls.

By the end of their first week there, things were going well. Things were less awkward all around. They were enjoying each others company but felt perfectly comfortable enough to retreat to their own room if they wanted time alone.

On Friday, Donna wanted to go exploring around the area but Josh begged off with a headache. She wasn't really sure she bought the headache story but was perfectly happy to go off on her own. She found the food store and picked up some things they were running low on. On a trip downtown she found a nice little coffee shop where she, ordered a large iced coffee and relaxed with a book. She tried to call Josh to see if he wanted her to bring back anything but he didn't answer and she correctly assumed he'd fallen asleep in his favorite chair on the back patio.

By the time Donna got back it was late afternoon. She put the few things she had bought in the kitchen and went to find Josh. He was still asleep outside in the lounge chair so she left him there and went in to start dinner. She and Josh had settled into a comfortable routine with dinner preparation and she kind of missed his help. They worked well together in the kitchen, just as they had once worked well together in the office.

"Donna," Josh called as he stumbled in the back door just about the time she was going to go out and wake him up.

"Kitchen," she yelled over her shoulder as she had her head stuck in the fridge trying to unstick the crisper drawer. She heard Josh behind her and was just about to ask him to give her a hand when the drawer loosened up and she was able to get it closed.

"Can you hand me a bottle of iced tea?" Josh asked just as she was closing the door. She grabbed one for him and one for hersef before nudging the door closed with her hip.

"Here," she said as she turned to hand him the tea. "Josh, you okay?" she asked when she realized he didn't look all that well. He was a little pale and glassy eyed.

"Don't feel so great," he muttered as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

"You certainly don't look so great either," Donna said as pressed the back of her hand to his forehead.

"Aren't you supposed to kiss my forehead," Josh teased. Donna rolled her eyes and pressed her lips to his forehead.

"Well, lips or hand, either way, you're running a nice fever. I don't suppose we actually have a thermometer do we?" she asked.

"There might be one in the bathroom."

"I'll look. Wait here and don't drink the tea yet," she said as she left the room.

"What's the verdict?" Josh asked a few minutes later as the thermometer beeped and Donna took it from him.

"100.8. Does your head still hurt?"

"Yeah."

"Anything else?"

"Everything I guess. You know how you don't feel well but can't tell what's wrong." Donna just nodded. "I slept for a while but woke up feeling worse."

"Why don't you go on the couch and drink some tea. I'll find some Tylenol," Donna suggested as opened her purse to see if she had some in there. She couldn't find any but knew she had some upstairs.

Josh was curled up on the couch watching CNN when she came back down. "Here, take these," she said as she handed him the pills. "Are you hungry at all? I was going to start dinner."

"A little I guess. Didn't eat too much today. What were you going to make?"

"I was going to do linguini with clam sauce," Donna said as Josh made a face and shook his head. While he might have been hungry he knew that wasn't going to sit too well. "How about some linguini with a little butter and cheese?"

"Sounds better."

"You rest. Yell if you need anything."

Josh didn't end up eating much pasta at all but Donna did coax him into eating a Popsicle and drinking some Gatorade so at least he got some fluids into him. He stayed on the couch for most of the evening. Donna tried not to hover over him but she did check on him every once in a while and he seemed to appreciate it, not get annoyed by it.

About 9:00 Donna went upstairs to check her email and get changed for bed. She "chatted" with John for a few minutes, letting him know how things were going. He was a little disappointed that he hadn't heard too much from Josh but Donna pointed out that Josh hadn't spent too much time on the computer since they'd arrived in Florida. She also reminded John that some of the point of Josh's going away was to take a step back from everything that had happened. John did his best to understand and Donna promised to try and get Josh to at least email John.

After logging off the computer Donna went down one last time to check on Josh and strongly suggest that he just go to bed. He was already asleep on the couch and she would have just left him there but a kiss to the forehead told her his temperature had risen considerably. She went to the kitchen to grab the thermometer and returned to sit on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Josh, wake up," she said as she gently shook his shoulder.

"Don't want to," he muttered as he rolled over to face the back of the couch.

"Josh, come on. You're really warm. I need you to sit up and talk to me for a minute," she said a little more forcefully as she perched on the edge of the couch and rubbed his shoulder. He reluctantly sat up, squinting against the light Donna had just turned on. He looked positively miserable. "Here," she said as she handed him the thermometer. He put it in his mouth without a word before reaching for his glasses.

"102.1," Josh announced to Donna who had gone to get him a drink and some more Tylenol.

"Not good," she said, pointing out the obvious. "Take these," she said handing him the pills.

"Thanks. What time is it?"

"A little after ten. You sound stuffy."

"Yeah, head's a little clogged. Do we have anything I can take?"

"I don't think so and I'm not really sure what you can take with everything else you're on. How about you try to stick it out through the night and you can call the doctor tomorrow if you still don't feel well."

"I think I can do that. Maybe I'll take a shower," Josh muttered as he took his glasses back off and rubbed his eyes.

"You steady enough?"

"Doesn't matter, there's an old man seat in the shower," he said with a little grin.

"Yeah, forgot about that," Donna replied with a grin of her own. She helped Josh to his feet and steered him in the direction of his room. She didn't follow him and he was a bit surprised and a little disappointed. It was like Donna had come up with a set of unwritten rules which he wasn't privy to. While he was enjoying the whole "living together" thing it was almost as if she was putting more and more distance between the two of them.

While Josh showered, Donna sat on the couch pretty much asking herself why she hadn't followed him into the bedroom. Josh's feeling about the unwritten rules was pretty much on the mark. She was trying to put some distance between the two of them, despite living in close proximity. But as she picked up the thermometer to take it out to the kitchen and rinse it off she was faced with his current temperature. "The hell with the stupid rules," she muttered to herself as she poured herself a glass of juice and went into Josh's room. "Josh, you doing okay in there?" she asked as she knocked on the door to the bathroom. A broad grin came across his face as he heard her voice.

"I'm fine. You can come in," he called. Donna only hesitated for a minute. The shower door was very heavily frosted and she couldn't really see anything, not to mention anything Josh had, she'd already seen, many, many times.

"Oh, I chatted online with John a while ago. He says hi," Donna said casually as she sat down on the stool that was usually tucked under the vanity counter.

"He mad at me for not getting in touch with him?" Josh asked.

"A little disappointed maybe, not mad. He understands you need time."

"I'll email him tomorrow," Josh promised.

They talked for a few more minutes about nothing in particular until Donna could tell by the sound of his voice that Josh was fading fast. She handed him a towel and left the bathroom. She picked up the clothes Josh had tossed on the floor and turned back the covers on the bed while she waited for him to emerge from the bathroom. He came out a few minutes later wearing a pair of striped boxers and looking rather pathetic. What little hair he had left on the top was sticking straight up and he was rather bleary eyed.

"Sit before you fall over," Donna suggested. Josh sat down heavily on the edge of the bed and just sat there for a minute. Donna handed him a t-shirt which he managed to slip on without a problem. Josh crawled under the covers and looked at Donna who was perched on the edge of the bed. He didn't even need to ask her to stay; the puppy dog look did that for him. "Let me turn off the lights and I'll be right back," she assured him as she patted his shoulder.

Part Seven

As Donna would have predicted, despite being exhausted and feverish, Josh was incredibly restless and having a hard time settling down. "Do you want to take a sleeping pill?" Donna asked after he'd rolled over yet again, managing to kick her for about the 5th time in twenty minutes.

"No," he muttered stubbornly. She just shook her head at him. For as long as she'd known him, he'd always had trouble sleeping. His brain just didn't shut itself off enough for him to fall asleep. Over the years he'd had a variety of prescriptions to help remedy the situation but he never liked to take them and as a result had many sleepless nights. "My head hurts," he whined.

"Come here," Donna said as she pushed back the tangled covers, she sat up against the headboard and tossed a pillow in her lap. Josh scooted towards the foot of the bed a little so he could put his head in her lap. Donna pulled her hair back with an elastic she found on Josh's nightstand. There was enough light coming in from the hallway that she could see his face and he looked positively miserable. Time to pull out the old bag of tricks, Donna thought to herself. "Want to try deep breathing?" she asked, knowing that had worked particularly well in the distant past, even though Josh would always complain about it. Josh nodded as he swiped at his eyes a little. "Breathe with me," she whispered as she rubbed light circles over his temples. "In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four." They continued to breathe together until she felt him start to relax a little. He got into the rhythm of slow measured breaths by himself and she was able to just speak quietly to him while he concentrated on what he was doing. She smoothed away the lines on his forehead and then cradled his head in her hand while she rubbed the back of his neck. "Roll over and I'll do your back," she whispered as she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his warm forehead.

Josh rolled over onto his own pillow basically half asleep. Donna stretched out next to him pulling the covers up a little. She rubbed his back for a minute over the sheet and his t-shirt. Josh eventually reached behind him and shoved the covers back down and pulled the back of his shirt up in a wordless invitation. Donna hesitated for a minute before snaking her hand under his shirt. After chiding herself for being ridiculous she started to rub his back. The feeling of her hand on the bare skin of his back brought back a flood of memories for both of them. The memories relaxed Josh enough for him to drift off right after he whispered, "thank you". The memories woke Donna enough that when she was sure Josh was asleep, she crept out of the bed to get a drink of water and try to gather herself together.

Donna wandered around the condo, looking at everything in general and nothing in particular, until she came upon a photo of Josh and his mom tucked in the corner of the bookshelf which housed the "payment" photos, ones they had not looked at yet. She pulled the photo off the shelf. It was freshly dusted, Martha must have spent and entire day with the dust rag before they arrived. Donna sat down on the bottom of the stairs and looked at the photo. There was nothing concrete to reveal when the photo was taken, but judging by Josh's hairline, it had been well after he had ended things between the two of them.

Like a bolt of lightning, a disturbing thought entered Donna's head, reducing her to tears. It was one she'd thought of vaguely over the years but did her best not to dwell on.

Not only had she denied Josh the chance to raise his son, she had denied Rebecca Lyman the one thing she longed for....a grandchild.

Josh's mom had died when John would have been about 5. Donna had heard about her death from Abbey Bartlet. She sent a card and donated money to charity in Rebecca's name. She had wanted to go to the funeral but couldn't bring herself to do it.

Donna set the picture on the step and leaned over with her head in her hands as she cried. She wasn't sure how long she was sitting there before she heard Josh calling for her. The picture was placed carefully back on the shelf and she wiped her face with a tissue as she went to see what he needed.

"Josh, you've been asleep for less than two hours," she teased as she looked at the clock before sitting down on the edge of the bed. She reached to feel his forehead; he was still very warm.

"Can I take more Tylenol?"

"Yeah, it's close enough. I'll be right back. Do you want Gatorade or water?"

"Gatorade."

After Josh swallowed the Tylenol, Donna was about to suggest the sleeping pills again but something in his eyes made her stop. "Do you want to talk about something Josh?" she asked carefully. He just had this look she couldn't quite place.

"I don't know," he answered honestly as a look of confusion came across his face. "I think I was dreaming right before I woke up and...."

"Josh?" Donna whispered as she turned on the light on the nightstand. "Are you okay?" she asked, suddenly more than a little worried about him. It was as if he wasn't quite awake or aware of his surroundings.

"I don't know."

"Do you feel okay? Other than the obvious," she asked as she placed her hand over his heart.

"I'm fine," he whispered, fully understanding her meaning. "What time is it?"

"A little before two. You need some sleep," she pointed out knowing full well there was very little chance of him falling asleep any time soon.

"I wanna talk," he said suddenly as he sat up and huddled against the headboard.

"Okay," Donna replied more than a little confused. "About what?"

"I don't care," Josh said. And then it hit her, he must have had a nightmare and just wanted some sort of connection. She didn't ask him about it; it wasn't important what the dream had been about. What was important was getting him to relax and maybe even open up a little. As much as they'd talked since they arrived in Florida, most of there conversations were basically about unimportant things, unimportant in the grand scheme of their lives.

"Do you want to go out in the living room?"

"No, this is gonna sound really weird but I wanna go outside, I need some fresh air," Josh said as he pushed the covers back and swung his legs over the side of the bed. As Donna watched him throw on a pair of shorts a little light bulb went off in her mind. She walked over to him and when she took him by the arm she noticed just how much he was shaking.

"Josh do you need to take something?” she asked as she suddenly recognized the symptoms of an oncoming panic attack.

"I don't know," he muttered. "Maybe. There's Ativan in the medicine cabinet. Bring it out with you," he said quietly. He grabbed his cane and turned to head out into the hall, leaving Donna standing there more than a little dumbfounded. She ran upstairs to put on something suitable to wear outside on the patio at 2 in the morning. What exactly that was, she wasn't too sure so she just settled for the first pair of shorts and t-shirt she found. By the time she made her way back downstairs, Josh was already outside. She grabbed a light blanket off the end of his bed, tucked the bottle of Ativan in her pocket and headed out to see what in the world she could do to help Josh.

He was sitting on the end of the lounge chair looking out towards the pond. She called his name softly to avoid startling him. He'd brought a sweatshirt out with him and she set it over his shoulders as he was shivering a little. Her touch caused him to flinch and she reluctantly scooted back in the chair.

"I'll talk, if you'll just try to relax," Donna bargained. Josh nodded.

She talked about anything and everything she could think of, some stories about John, memories from the White House and some vague hopes for the future. What she said wasn't all that important to Josh. It was the sound of her voice he needed. And after she'd talked for a good half an hour straight he realized he needed a physical connection too. He scooted back enough so she could take him into her arms. His willingness to be held surprised her but also reassured her that the panic attack was receding, however slowly, as the last thing he ever wanted during an attack was to be confined, literally or figuratively.

She kept up a running monologue as she felt Josh start to relax in her embrace. He went from fidgeting and gasping every few seconds to being relatively still and calm in about half an hour, just about the time Donna was running out of things to talk about off the top of her head.

"Better?” she asked as she pressed her cheek against the top of his head. Josh's breathing had evened out and the feelings of anxiousness and fear had waned.

"A little. Thank you," Josh whispered as he took her hand and placed it over his heart. She could feel the strong steady beat, a cadence much slower than it had been an hour earlier.

"How do handle that when you're alone?" Donna asked as she shifted him to his side and rubbed his back a little.

"Scotch," Josh sighed.

"Not the best idea," she said quietly.

"I know."

"You can always call me, you know," she offered.

"I know but I don't always want to."

"I understand."

They were quiet for a while, Donna's voice needed a rest after talking non-stop and Josh just didn't feel the need to talk. When the breeze picked up, Donna reached for the blanket she'd brought out with her. She thought about suggesting they go back inside but the truth was she was way too comfortable at the moment, even curled up in a lounge chair not exactly built for two. She put the back down a notch and they settled next to each other on their sides. Josh looked like he was about to talk for the first time in a while so Donna looked at him expectantly.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked as he reached over to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"About John?" Josh nodded. "We've been through this before Josh."

"Okay, so how about, how could