Unhappily Ever After

CJ didn't wait up. She knew Leo would come when he came, and it didn't

serve her well to wait anxiously for his arrival anymore.

She went to bed with a half dozen files that needed to be perused before

the next day.

She read for a while, not really comprehending much. Tossing the files

aside she thought back over the past few months. She and Leo had been

together for almost a year. At the beginning things were great. For

the first few months they had had a great time sneaking around under the

unsuspecting eye of their co-workers and the President. Then they fell

into a comfortable life. They spent nearly every night together but

still maintained separate places, just because it looked better. But

for the past few months things had been different.

They didn't spend as much time together. They didn't run to each other

so much when they needed to unwind. Sex was a luxury, not a necessity

anymore.

It was sad, really.

They were acting like they'd been married for years.

CJ hear Leo's key in the door and she glanced at the clock, 1:34. She

debated just closing her eyes and pretending to be asleep. But, she

hadn't seen much of him during the day so she decided to do the nice

thing and ask how his day was.

There was a thud in the other room, which meant he was kicking off his

shoes. Which meant he was frustrated about something and wouldn't be

sleeping much that night.

Which meant he might not come to the bedroom at all, so she might as

well go to sleep if she didn't want to get up and go out there to see

him.

It was appealing, but she sighed and closed her folders and climbed out

of bed.

He was on the couch, shoes off, suspenders hanging, tugging at his tie.

"Hey" said CJ as she sat next to him and helped him with the tie.

"Hi." His voice was clipped and more than a little hostile, so she

backed off a little.

"What happened?" she asked softly. "Anything I need to know about?"

"Hodges did a bogus testimony to the Commerce Department today, and I

spent the better part of tonight talking Babish down from a coronary."

"So, the usual, huh?" she asked quietly, without much emotion.

Leo just sort of grunted in agreement.

"You want some tea or something?" asked CJ. "Did you eat dinner?"

"CJ, you know I hate it when you fuss over me" said Leo a little louder

than necessary.

"Fine" muttered CJ as she got up off of the couch.

She turned when she got to the hallway. "And for your information, I

wasn't fussing. I was just trying to look out for your welfare, since

most of the time you're not interested in it yourself." She went back

to the bedroom and climbed back in bed.

Leo knew he should go after her or at least yell an apology down the

hall but he just didn't have the energy to do either. He clicked on the

TV and watched CNN for a while before finally falling asleep on the

couch a little after 2.

It took CJ a long time to fall asleep, and when she finally did, the

sound of the alarm clock going off came way too soon. She groaned and

slapped at it, listening for the sounds of Leo getting up and around.

What surprised her was that there weren't any of the usual noises she

associated with Leo getting up. She sat up and slid her feet into her

slippers before heading to the kitchen to make coffee.

"Leo, you here?" she asked.

"Sleeping," came the groan from the couch.

"Great, he slept on the couch. So now he'll complain about his back all

day" muttered CJ as she went down the hall.

She had planned on basically stalking through the living room, muttering

a greeting and making the coffee. But she made the mistake of taking a

good look at Leo.

"Leo, you look like crap," she said as she stopped in front of him.

"Doesn't surprise me," he muttered.

"You feel okay?"

"No."

"Oh..."

"CJ, don't start getting all fussy and crap, okay? I can't stand it

when you do that."

CJ sighed deeply and bit back a few sarcastic comments as she sat down.

It wasn't often that Leo admitted to not feeling well.

"Leo, I'm not fussing" she said softly, "What's wrong?"

"I feel sick. That's what's wrong."

She put the palm of her hand on his forehead. "No fever."

He grunted and pulled away.

"Leo, come on -- you're never going to feel better if..."

"You're fussing."

"I'm concerned, I'm not fussing. And exactly why would letting me fuss

over you for a little while be the end of the world?"

"It wouldn't be, I guess," he muttered as he pulled the quilt around

him.

"See, Leo, this is where we differ. You want me to get you something to

drink?"

"No, but a bowl would be nice."

"A bowl?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"In case I need to..."

"OH!"

CJ went into the kitchen to get a bowl. Before she could grab one she

heard Leo make a dash down the hallway.

"Damn," she muttered.

Briefly wondering whether she should call someone or just stay there,

she followed him into the bathroom.

Leo was hanging over the bowl, retching. She quietly went in and sat

down behind him. She rubbed his back and held his head, trying to

murmur reassurances that didn't sound like she was fussing.

When he was done, he moaned and sank back on his haunches, and she sat

up to catch him and keep him upright. "You okay?" she asked very

softly.

He grunted something inaudible in reply.

"Come on, let's rinse your mouth," she encouraged.

"You're fussing."

"No, I'm not. You don't want that taste in your mouth, do you?"

"CJ, this isn't working."

"What, you gonna be sick again?"

"No, I'm not talking about that" he sighed as he sat down and leaned

back against the tub.

"What are you talking about, then?"

"CJ, I can't stand what we've come to."

"What do you mean?"

Leo took a deep breath to speak but didn't get very far before he was

leaning over the toilet again.

CJ held him gently, brushing his hair back and whispering softly to

him. "It's okay," she soothed. When he sat up again, she asked, "Do

you feel better now?"

He just shook his head as he reached for the glass of water.

"Take it slow. Rinse and spit. And before you say a word, yes, I'm

fussing."

Leo gave her a weak smile as he handed her the glass.

"Let's get you to bed... unless you think you're going to puke all over

my clean comforter..."

"Bring the bowl," he mumbled.

"Okay. But you want to go to bed?"

"Yes, please."

"I'm going to call in today..."

"CJ, no fussing!"

CJ just rolled her eyes as she helped him down the hall. She helped him

change and tucked him into bed. She called Carol and Margaret and told

them what was going on.

All the while, Leo was making faces and grumbling. She hung up the

phone and sighed.

"DO you have to be so grumpy?" she asked, tucking the covers back up

around him. Without waiting for a reply, she asked, "Do you need

anything right now?"

"Something to drink"

"You sure?" asked CJ warily.

Leo nodded.

"OK, let me see if I have ginger ale or something like that"

By the time she managed to find a can of ginger ale in the back of the

fridge Leo had fallen asleep. She left the soda on the nightstand,

kissed his forehead and went to finish the reading she had started the

night before.

About nine o clock, the phone rang. "CJ Cregg..."

"CJ, it's the President. I hear Leo's sick?"

"Good morning, sir. Yes, he's not feeling too well this morning"

"What's wrong?"

"Well, let's just say he's asleep with a can of ginger ale and a bowl on

the table next to him"

"Ah" chuckled Jed. "And let me guess, he probably got on your case about

fussing over him while he was..uh, hanging over the bowl"

"Exactly sir. You want me to have him call you when he wakes up?"

"If he's up to it. Things seem to be pretty quiet this morning. Tell

him I hope he feels better. And don't hesitate to call Abbey if you

need her."

"OK, thank you sir. I'll talk to you later"

CJ hung up the phone, poured herself another cup of coffee and settled

in to read her email.

"CJ," came Leo's plaintive voice from the bedroom.

She rolled her eyes and sighed as she got up. "Yes, Leo?"

"I spilled the soda."

She grabbed a dishtowel from the counter, plastered a smile on her face

and went into the bedroom.

"It's ok" she said as she dropped the towel onto the floor and stepped

on it to sop up the spill.

"I'm sorry."

"Leo, it's fine. It's just soda, and remember -- I needed to get the

guys in to clean the carpets anyway." She smiled and bent to kiss him

on the cheek. "Feel any better?"

Leo shrugged his shoulders, "A little, I guess"

"I'm working in the living room, you wanna come out and rest on the

couch?"

"Yeah"

She got him settled on the couch and knelt down in front of him for a

minute.

"About what I tried to say earlier.." he started quietly.

"Shh" whispered CJ. "We can talk later"

"No," Leo said. "I want to talk about it now."

She sighed. "Okay. Let me get a chair, okay?"

"No, CJ, just sit down somewhere. And stop fussing over me!"

"I'm not fussing" she hissed as she sat down on the floor in front of

him. She reached out to caress his cheek and he pulled away.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"Leo?"

"CJ, I think we need a break."

She took a shaky breath before responding. Deep down she knew it was

true but now actually talking about it made her overwhelming sad.

"I know" she whispered.

"I love you, but I can't stand what we've become. This is worse than

Jenny and I ever were."

"Well, thanks for that slap in my face, Leo," CJ growled.

She got up off the floor to pace around.

"I didn't mean it that way"

"Yes you did" she declared.

Leo sat up on the couch a little too fast and went completely pale. CJ

rolled her eyes and sat down next to him with the bowl in her hands.

He pushed it away roughly. "I'm FINE."

"No, Leo, you're really not."

"How would you know?"

She blinked, taken aback. He had been gruff and annoying before, but

never hateful. She took a calming breath before speaking.

"I would know because I love you. I see you everyday. I know when

something's wrong. Even when you deny it."

He gazed at her without speaking. "I'm sorry, CJ, but..."

"I know. We've reached an impasse, and we need to decide if we can make

it through this. I suppose I ought to go get a copy of Cosmo and read

'Ten tips to spice up your marriage', but then, that would imply that we

had a marriage in the first place."

"Yeah" he said quietly.

"Look, we'll take a break and see what happens. I just don't want

things to be weird at work. We're still going to see each other

everyday."

"CJ, we were friends before we were lovers, there's no reason we can't

go back to being friends" he said sweetly as he tried to stand up.

"Leo, where are you going" said CJ as she pushed him back down.

"I was going to get dressed and leave" he muttered.

"No, you're really not," CJ whispered, gently pushing him back down onto

the couch. "You just rest and watch TV, and I'll go in the other room,

okay?"

He sighed.

"Leo, please. Let me take care of you when you're sick -- any friend

would do it." The word 'friend' seemed almost dirty to her lips.

"OK, but you don't have to go in the other room. It's your house."

"Fine." she said as she picked up the work she had tossed on the coffee

table.

"What are you working on?"

"Nothing important. Just scouring the newest amendments to the thing on

state constitutions."

"Ugh."

"Yeah, tell me about it. I'm going to go into my room with this crap,

okay? I just want you to get some rest -- call me if you need

anything." What she really wanted to do was go cry.

By 2 o'clock CJ had read more than she wanted to know about the

amendments. She had talked to just about everyone in the office. She

hadn't planned on telling anyone about the decision she and Leo had come

to but Toby had managed to drag it out of her. But she made him promise

to keep quiet about it.

She had had her cry, but managed to conceal it from Leo. He only called

her once -- and that was to get him something to drink.

She was worried about him. But then, that suddenly didn't seem to be

her place anymore. And that thought caused more tears to spring to her

eyes. She pulled herself together as she heard Leo going down the hall

to the bathroom yet again. She thought about just standing outside the

bathroom door, waiting for him to ask for help but she decided she would

be standing there until hell froze over so she pushed the door opened

quietly and went in.

"You okay?"

He sighed. "Will you please stop asking me that?"

"Yeah, when you tell me the truth."

"No, I don't feel okay. I feel like crap."

"Okay, I'm going now."

"Where?"

"Back to the bedroom."

She got as far as the doorway when he called her name.

"CJ?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay?"

"Sure" she said with a smile as she sat down next to him. He was

slumped on the floor leaning back against the tub, looking like death

warmed over.

"I've been thinking."

"Well, you can't really do much but think and get sick," she teased with

a small smile.

"Very funny."

"What were you thinking about?" she asked softly.

"Who gets Gail?"

CJ threw her head back and nearly died laughing.

Leo laughed a little but stopped when it proved to be a little painful.

"I get Gail. You're not even her real father anyway" teased CJ.

"Gee thanks" muttered Leo.

"It's a joke, Leo."

"You gonna see Danny again?"

"I see him every day, Leo."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do, and I wasn't really seeing him to begin with."

"Uh-huh."

"Hey, you're impuning my honor."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Your honor?" he smirked.

"Yeah" she laughed. "So, you wanna try and haul your ass off my bathroom

floor?"

"I think so"

CJ stood up first and pulled him to his feet, holding him steady as he

got his balance.

"Couch?"

"Yeah"

She helped him over to the couch and covered him up with a quilt. She

kissed him softly on the lips and smiled. "You think you're so funny,

don'tcha?"

"Witty," he corrected.

"Ah... well... I can't help with that, but I could help with funny."

"I'll keep that in mind" he remarked dryly.

"You want some tea and toast?"

"Yeah, thanks. Where's my cell phone? I want to check in with Josh and

Margaret."

CJ found the phone and went to put the kettle on. She hung in the

doorway to the kitchen, watching Leo as he talked on the phone.

She sighed and poured the water through the little old-fashioned silver

tea strainer and added honey to the weak tea.

"Lemon?" she called out to Leo.

"Huh?"

"Do you want lemon in the tea?"

"CJ, you know I hate lemon in my tea."

So much for being nice, she thought, putting the tea and toast on a tray

and taking it out to him.

He picked at the toast and drank the tea while she sat next to him, not

fussing. When he was done he sighed wearily and closed his eyes. She

scooted to the end of the couch and gently pulled him down so his head

was in her lap. He looked up and sighed.

"It's OK."

"What, you let all your sick friends lay down in your lap?" he teased.

"Sure, just ask Toby and Josh. Although I don't think they were sick,

at the time, just hungover.

"I'm not even going to ask" muttered Leo.

She smiled down at him. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Not particularly, thanks."

"Spoil my fun, there," she teased.

"I think I'm gonna be sick again."

"Don't you dare."

"I'll try not to" teased Leo. "Look, I know today hasn't been exactly

one of our better days, but thanks, for everything. I know I've been a

pain in the ass."

"You most certainly have been" agreed CJ.

"You're not supposed to agree with me."

"Why not? You made a perfectly valid observation."

"Shut up."

She stuck her tongue out at him and he laughed.

Their laughter died down and they relaxed in silence for a while. CJ

ran her fingers through his hair and held his hand. He eventually

closed his eyes and fell asleep.

And she began to wonder if he meant what he had said about taking a

break. She knew they needed it, but didn't want to admit it.

She carefully picked up his head and slid off the couch. She pulled the

quilt up around him and kissed his forehead. With a sigh she went out

into the kitchen to find something to eat, check her messages and most

of all, THINK.

By the time he'd woken up again, she knew they had to take a break.

There was no question about it. They were too settled in their 'living

in sin with a safety pin' routine.

She kissed him gently on the cheek and asked how he was feeling.

"Better. I think I'm going to take a shower and maybe go into the

office for a little while."

CJ just rolled her eyes at him yet again.

"You are not going into the office" she said firmly. "I'll make you a

deal, you go take a shower and I'll go in for an hour or so, grab some

work for both of us and come back here. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like your fuss...sounds fine, thanks"

"If you say I'm fussing one more time, I'm gonna make hamburger meat out

of you," she promised.

"Please, let's not talk about raw meat just yet" teased Leo.

Leo went slowly down the hall to take a shower. CJ grabbed her things

and drove to work. She tried to make a made dash to her office without

being noticed but, of course, that didn't happen.

Toby cornered her in the hallway, mere feet from the safety of her

office.

"You ok?" he asked quietly as he followed her into the office.

"Well, honestly, I've been better" she said with a small smile. "Leo

felt better so I said I would come over and get him some work. And I

needed to get out of the house for a little while"

"That bad?"

"Not really. I mean, we're not screaming at each other or anything like

that. It's just strange and strained."

Toby nodded. "Didn't I tell you this was going to happen?"

"Toby, please don't start. I didn't want to think this could happen,

ever. I love him, he loves me, but it's just... strained." She shook

her head and began rooting through a pile of things on her desk.

"And don't forget strange."

"Well, those go hand in hand in this case, so..."

"Yeah, well, if you want to talk you know where to find me" muttered

Toby as he left the office.

CJ managed to clear off her desk in a little over an hour by delegating

things, bribing her co-workers and packing up a large stack of things to

take home. She got a pile of files for Leo from Margaret and almost

made it to her car without running into the President.

She was slamming the trunk when she heard his voice behind her.

"What could he possibly be doing in the parking lot?" CJ muttered to

herself. She turned towards him and got her answer, smoking.

"Not even allowed to smoke near the building now?" teased CJ.

"Actually I was outside my office and I saw you come out. How's Leo?"

asked Jed as he ground out the cigarette with his wingtips.

"He's sick and a little crabby," CJ replied with her usual dry wit.

"I'll tell him you asked, though."

"CJ -- is something wrong?"

"Would you believe me if I said no?"

"Nope." said Jed with a smile.

"We've decided to take a break from each other for a while"

Jed's eyes widened, but that was his only outer reaction. "Is it a

mutual thing, or just one sided?"

"Mutual, sir."

"You'll still be able to work together, I hope?"

"We're going to be friends, sir."

He nodded slowly. "As long as neither of you do anything stupid."

"We'll do our best" sighed CJ.

"So where is he now? Should I have Abbey check on him."

"Sir, do you really think I'd kick him out of the house while he's

tossing his cookies" asked CJ.

"That's really not so great of a picture, but no. I don't think you'd

kick him out at all."

She nodded and sighed. "No matter what happens, I'm always going to

love him, and that's what hurts the most about it."

"I know it is none of my business, but if you love each other, then why

the break?"

"It's kind of hard to explain. We've just gotten too..."

"Comfortable?" asked Jed quietly.

"Yeah. It's like we're together for the sake of convenience."

"But you love each other."

"Yeah. Isn't it confusing?"

"I'd say so. Look, if you need anything -- anything -- just let me

know, okay?"

"Sir, I'll be fine."

"OK, I guess you should get back home. Tell Leo I'll call him later"

"I will. Thanks" said CJ with a small smile.

Jed gave her hand a squeeze and she got into the car quickly before the

tears started to fall once again.

She shook her head in disgust with herself and started the car. She

turned on the radio and flipped it off again just as quickly when she

heard yet another depressing love song.

When she got home she sat outside in the car for a few minutes,

preparing herself to go in. As it turned out she didn't need much

preparation, Leo was sound asleep on the couch when she went inside.

She dropped his files on the coffee table with a thud. He didn't even

flinch.

She sighed and checked his forehead -- still no fever. She gently

kissed him on the cheek and tucked the quilt back around him.

An hour and a half later she was sitting at the kitchen table eating a

sandwich for dinner and reading her email. Leo was still sleeping in

the next room. She had managed to keep herself busy with her work and

keep her fussing to a bare minimum. Basically just checking on him to

make sure he was still breathing.

She sighed and looked at her sandwich sadly. It was the same kind that

she and Leo had eaten after their first time making love.

When had she begun equating food with Leo?

She suddenly lost her appetite and tossed the rest of the sandwich in

the trashcan. After a few minutes of aimless wandering she checked on

Leo one more time and went to take a bath, hoping the bubbles would

relax her.

She relaxed into the bubbles with a soft moan. She didn't realize she

was so terribly tense until she began to relax.

It had been pretty much an unendurable day.

The bath did the trick and she came out an hour later feeling much

better. She went into the bedroom to put on a pair of pajamas. She was

sitting on the edge of the bed when she heard a soft knock on the door.

"Leo, why are you knocking?" she asked, going to open the door. "It's

your room, too. Well, for a while longer, anyway."

"I just didn't want to..."

"Interrupt?"

"Yeah."

"Come lie down."

"You sure?"

"Leo, please, I just had a nice long bath and I am in a better mood than

I was in before, so don't ruin it" she said with a smile and a roll of

her eyes.

"Whatever" he muttered as he pulled the comforter back and flopped down

face first on the bed.

She sighed and rubbed his back. "You okay?"

"Feel like crap."

"You're very tense, sweetie. Want me to give you a massage?"

"CJ..." It was a warning tone.

"Leo, no sex, just a massage."

He gave her a quick glance. She was wearing a pair of old flannel

pajamas and she had her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. Not

exactly a seduction outfit, he thought to himself.

"Sure" he agreed with a smile.

She laughed and kissed him on the back of the head. "Just hold still,

okay?"

He nodded into the pillow and sighed as she began her work. She

eventually climbed onto his back for balance and to get her whole body

into the massage.

She had worked her way from his neck to his shoulders and about halfway

down his back before she started to rethink this whole *break* thing.

She climbed off of his back abruptly, and said, "All done."

"No, you're not," Leo mumbled.

"Yes, Leo. Unless you want me to do something we both might regret,

yes, I'm done."

"OK" he said softly as he rolled over onto his back and looked at her.

"We made the right decision" he whispered.

"Maybe. I don't know anymore." She shook her head and lay down facing

away from him. She began to cry when she felt his hand on her back,

rubbing gently.

Leo continued to rub her back with one hand as he wiped his own tears

with the other. After a while CJ dozed off and Leo got up to call Jed.

After half an hour on the phone with Jed and a 15-minute phone

consultation with Abbey he also had a headache to go along with his

queasy stomach.

He went back into the bedroom and lay down next to CJ. She reflexively

crawled into his arms in her sleep and cuddled up.

He decided this was the last time he would hold her until they resolved

this.

CJ woke an hour later in his arms. Her first instinct was to roll away

from him but she made the same mental decision he had made when he first

crawled into bed.

So she moved just a little closer and kissed his parted lips very

gently. "I love you," she whispered. "Always."

She reached over him to glance at the clock, 11:15. She turned the alarm

on in case they actually slept through the night. Pulling Leo's arms

around her again she fell back to sleep quickly.

She awoke again to a tender kiss. She blinked, trying to let her eyes

adjust to the light. "Leo?!"

"Shh..." he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"I was sick. I didn't mean to..."

"Leo, stop, please," CJ insisted, turning on the light and wincing.

Leo threw his hand over his eyes. "Turn that back out, we can talk in

the dark" he moaned. "What time is it?"

"2:16." groaned CJ as she turned the light back out.

"Well?" said Leo impatiently.

"Well... I think you were right, whether or not you knew what you were

really saying." She was glad for the darkness now -- he couldn't see

how much it hurt to say that.

"So you're saying we need time apart."

"Yes. Maybe... maybe it was a mistake in the first place. I just know

I can't live an empty life like this anymore, Leo."

He sighed heavily, knowing deep down that she was right. The life they

were leading was...empty. They were together because neither one of

them had the courage to break it off, because being in the relationship

was convenient and because deep down they were both very lonely.

She licked her lips, and said the words that broke her heart

completely. "I think it's over, Leo. I think we need to stop living

this way and just..."

"End it?"

CJ could only nod. Leo got out of the bed and started to walk out of

the room.

"I hope you're heading for the couch and not the front door Leo. You

certainly don't need to leave in the middle of the night"

"I'm not leaving. I'm gonna get something to drink, maybe try to eat a

little something and then go back to sleep" he said quietly.

"Want me to make you something?" asked CJ.

"No, go back to sleep"

He left the room without looking back.

She curled up around her pillow and sighed sadly. She didn't want to

end up being the bad guy, but there was no way for it to end prettily.

Leo began banging around in the kitchen, obviously not caring if he kept

her awake or not.

A while later she got up to use the bathroom. She crept down the hall

quietly as she could hear the TV on and she figured Leo was still

awake. But she didn't want to talk. As she came back down the hall she

stopped to see if she could tell if he was awake or not without actually

going in the living room. What she heard broke her heart. Mr.

Tough-as-Nails was sobbing quietly. It took all the strength she had

not to take him into her arms. She stood there for a few minutes; it

was obvious he had no idea she was there. As fresh tears started to

flow she went back to bed.

She didn't sleep the rest of the night, and by the time she got up at

5, there were dark circles beneath her eyes and she couldn't stop

herself from crying.

She went to the computer and sat down, typing out a letter of

resignation, and took it out into the living room. Leo was up and

sitting on the couch with the quilt tightly pulled over his shoulders.

"Here," she said, hanging him the sheet of paper and going back to the

bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed, just waiting for him.

He read it twice, folded it up and ripped it in half. Untangling

himself from the quilt he headed for the bedroom. Silently and with no

emotion he tossed the letter on the bed next to CJ and went down the

hall to the bathroom.

Leo stood in front of the mirror, staring at a reflection he hardly

recognized.

CJ came up behind him. "I meant it, Leo, and you ripping it up won't

stop me," she said softly. "I can't live like this."

He stared straight ahead at the mirror, looking at both their

reflections.

"You don't have to quit. We can work things out..I mean, we can still

work together. It doesn't have to come to this" he said quietly.

"No, Leo." She shook her head. "I'm not going to be able to. Maybe

you could, but I can't. I won't be able to look at you without

remembering the good times. And I can't afford to do that, Leo."

"OK" he whispered. He stood up fully, brushed past CJ and headed for

the bedroom. Opening drawers and closets he tossed his things on the

bed.

"I'm sorry, Leo."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't seem like it."

"We both knew it was over, Leo. Please just..." She stopped speaking

and reached wordlessly for him. She kissed him very softly and said,

"Just remember that I'll always love you."

"That's not something I'm likely to forget CJ" he said as he moved

around her to throw some things in a suitcase.

"I'm going to go into work and talk to the President" said CJ as she

grabbed some clothes from the closet. "Do you want to be there when I

tell him?"

"No, if that's alright with you" he replied wearily. "I'd rather not be

there."

"Okay," she said quietly. "I'll see you sometime, then, I guess."

"Probably."

~~~

"CJ, isn't there some other way?" Jed asked.

"Sir, I wish there were, but there's not. I just can't do it anymore."

"I won't lie and say I understand. But I certainly respect the decision

you have made"

"Thank you sir" she said as she handed over her letter of resignation.

"Will you let me know how to contact you once you've moved?" Jed asked.

"Of course I will, sir."

Jed stood up and gave her a kiss on the cheek and a quick hug. They

just stood there in the Oval Office for a few minutes, unable to move or

speak. The sound of Leo's office door opening then caused CJ to leave

quickly through Charlie's area.

Jed turned to face his best friend.

"She told you?" Leo asked.

"Yeah."

Leo nodded and turned to go back into his office, but Jed's cold voice

stopped him.

"You're just incapable of sustaining a loving relationship with a woman,

Leo."

That wasn't what Leo expected to hear from his best friend. He turned

around slowly and faced Jed.

"Gee and I thought I would get a little sympathy, a little pep talk,

maybe even an invitation to dinner. Guess I was wrong" muttered Leo as

he turned to leave again.

"Don't even think about leaving this room Leo" warned Jed.

"Well, sir, unless you think you can stop me, I have work to do.

Someone has to run your White House while you're lecturing me about

relationships. Isn't this a case of the pot calling the kettle black?"

Jed glared and his lips twisted into a scowl. "You are an ungrateful

son of a bitch."

"Yeah, probably. Get over it."

"Dammit, Leo..."

"It's not working, sir. CJ and I are not working."

"You know she's leaving?"

"Yeah."

"I hold you personally responsible, Leo. Get outta here. NOW."

Leo went back into his office, and said, "I hold me responsible, too,

Jed."

Leo went to his desk, called for Margaret, yelled at her for a few

minutes and then asked her to get Toby, Josh and Sam together for a

meeting. He had to tell them before they heard it from someone else.

As it turned out Toby already knew.

Leo couldn't fault her for having told him -- after all, he was her best

friend. But it still stung like a fire in his gut.

The three tweedles all looked like they were going to kill him for

having caused her pain.

He threw them out of the office before things turned nasty. Toby and

Sam left first while Josh hung in the doorway for a minute. He turned

to Leo as he reached up to grab the top of the doorframe.

"You ok?"

"Didn't think you cared" muttered Leo under his breath.

"I do. So, you gonna be ok?"

"Eventually"

"Well, if you want to talk, you know where to find me"

"Yeah" said Leo quietly as he watched Josh turn down the hall.

~~~~

CJ went home and began to pack her things. Without a job, she'd have to

leave very soon.

And she didn't feel like staying in Washington, anyway.

She organized a few things, packed some clothes, threw some stuff away

and basically kept herself busy for a few hours. Then the doorbell

rang.

"It better not be him" she muttered to herself as she flung open the

door. Two agents brushed past her as she stood off to the side.

Convinced that her house was free of danger they went back out and Jed

walked in.

"Sir, you could have just called" said CJ wearily as she motioned

towards the couch, hoping he would take the hint and sit down so she

could also have a seat.

He didn't, so they remained standing. "I talked to Leo."

"Oh really?" she asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice. "I assume you

told him to fix it."

"Yes, I did, and he claims he can't."

"He can't."

"It takes two, CJ."

"We can't fix it," she corrected softly. "It was convenient, that's

all. Nothing more."

"I told him he's incapable of sustaining a loving relationship with a

woman."

"Well, that certainly seems to be true," CJ muttered.

"Yeah he doesn't exactly have a good track record in that department."

Jed said as he almost took a seat on the couch. "OK, I can understand

why you can't be with him. But do you have to quit? CJ, we need you, I

need you"

She closed her eyes and ignored protocol, sitting down on the couch, not

caring how much disrespect she was showing him. "I can't stay and be

reminded of him constantly. It won't work, sir. I can't."

"Claudia Jean, please just try. Give it a few weeks. Then if it's not

working out, fine."

CJ sighed deeply as Jed finally sat down.

"I'll think about it. That's the best I can do right now"

Jed nodded slowly. "CJ, I can't pretend to understand what's going on

between you two. I don't want to understand. I just want you two to be

happy again."

"I know, and thank you for that. I will call you in the morning and let

you know what I've decided"

"Thank you" said Jed as he patted her hand and stood up to leave.

"Sir -- if I choose to leave... it's not because of you, or the

others. I have enjoyed this job more than any of the others I've ever

held, and I think of you all as my family."

"I know" whispered Jed as he followed the agents out to the car.

CJ spent the next few hours organizing things. By the time she had

finished cleaning the refrigerator she had decided to go back to work

for a few weeks. Although she didn't hold out any great hope that

things would work out.

She arrived at work the next morning, sleepless and shaky. She managed

to work all day, avoiding Leo except at staff, and it hurt like hell.

By the end of the day, she had made her decision.

She had to leave. It was just too much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CJ's arm reached out blindly to stop the beeping of the alarm. It took

her a minute to realize where she was...and why. She rubbed her eyes

and sat up. She padded across the hotel room to the bathroom and

stepped into a hot shower.

Forty-five minutes later she was buttoning up her coat with shaking

fingers. Having lived in the warmth of California for the better part

of 10 years she wasn't used to New Hampshire winters. She grabbed her

bag, checked for tissues and left the room feeling anything but calm.

It had been nearly 8 years since he had seen Leo. They had talked on

the phone only a handful of times in those years, the last call coming

more than 2 years earlier. And now here she was, about to face him on

what had to be one of the hardest days of their lives.

Toby's call had come two days earlier, just before dawn. As soon as she

had heard his voice, she knew, Jed Bartlet was gone.

Josiah Bartlet had died in his sleep, at home in Manchester of

complications stemming from Multiple Sclerosis. Abbey found him in his

office, sitting in his favorite chair, the Washington Post in his lap.

He had died on his own terms, according to his wishes.

CJ slipped behind the wheel of the rental car and pulled out slowly onto

the snowy street. She had been invited to come to the farmhouse the

night before for an informal gathering of family and friends but she had

decided against it. She wasn't ready to see Leo.

She still wasn't ready but 10 minutes later she was pulling into the

parking lot of a large white church.

She checked her purse for kleenex again, the fact that she already had

done that escaping her mind completely. She just wasn't prepared to

deal with this.

She sat behind the wheel silently for a few minutes, trying to pull

together her composure, but that was blown to hell and back when there

was a light tap on the driver's side window, and she saw Josh standing

there, playing 'Shave and a Haircut' on her door.

She gave a sad smile as he opened the door for her. One look at his

face and she fell apart. They stood in each other's arms silently for a

few minutes until the sound of approaching footsteps caused them to

separate. They glanced over and saw Toby and Ginger coming towards

them. They were hand in hand with matching red eyes and small smiles

forced upon their faces.

Toby smiled and hugged CJ. "Thanks for coming. I know it must've been

hard to get time off, working for the Governor and all..."

"I built up my vacations. I'm taking a month off," CJ said with a wan

smile. "How've you been?"

"I've seen better days."

"We all have." She nestled her head on his shoulder for a long time,

then righted herself, and found herself looking straight at Leo.

He was outside, leaning up against one of the columns, talking to Abbey

and Sam, his back to her. But she'd recognize him anywhere and from any

angle.

She suddenly dropped her arms from around Toby and stood up straight.

Toby glanced over his shoulder to see what had gotten her attention.

"How is he?" she asked nervously.

Toby just shrugged his shoulders, knowing he could never put into words

the pain he had seen in Leo's eyes the night before.

"He's devastated" said Josh quietly as he wiped a tear off of his

cheek. "Donna went to check on Zoey, I'm going to go find them. I'll

see you inside."

"Well, are you going over there or are you going to prolong the

inevitable?" asked Toby.

She narrowed her eyes at him and made a face. "Bastard."

"Yes, I am. And you've known it a long time, so don't act like you've

just discovered this fact," Toby said, taking her by the hand. "Come

on. It's not that bad."

She sighed and pulled her hand out of his before standing straight and

tall and walking over. "Can a girl say hi?" she asked quietly, bringing

Abbey and Leo's attentions to her.

Abbey and CJ tearfully embraced for a minute as Leo looked on, unsure of what to do or say. He fought the urge to embrace both of them and

shoved his hands in his pockets.

As Abbey and CJ separated CJ turned to Leo, kissed his cheek and gave

him a hug. It wasn't as awkward as she had imagined. As she pulled

back from him she got a good look at his face for the first time in 8

years. He looked old, worn and tired but she wasn't sure how much of

that was just time and how much was the stress of losing his best

friend.

He smiled, but it was strained. "You look good," he said. "Spending

time at the beach?"

"When I get down the coast, yeah," she replied with a blush. "Most of

the time, though, I just hit the tanning parlor. How're you doing?" she

asked, her voice very quiet.

"It's hell."

She could only nod her head.

The front doors of the church opened and the family went in to take

their seats.

"I guess I'll see you after.." CJ started to say as she scanned the

crowd, looking for Toby.

"CJ, sit with me, please" Leo pleaded softly.

She turned back to him and saw the pain in his eyes and the tears

streaming down his cheeks.

"Of course" she said quietly as she took his right hand. As they

entered the church she glanced down at their entwined hands, the

diamonds on her wedding ring shining brightly in the winter sun.

"That's a beautiful ring," Leo said, his voice very soft and sad. "He

must love you very much. How are... the kids?"

"They're okay. Laurel is learning how to walk, and Kate's in

kindergarten now." CJ smiled and said, "I can show you pictures

later." They sat down, and she twined their fingers together tightly,

holding their hands on her lap.

The service started and Leo held onto her as if she were a lifeline.

Charlie did a reading, just as he had done years ago at the funeral of

Delores Landingham.

Leo had declined Abbey's invitation to deliver the eulogy. She knew he

wouldn't be able to do it but had asked anyway.

The task of the eulogy had fallen onto the shoulders of Sam and Josh.

It had been written via email and instant messenger over the previous

two nights. Toby had helped them polish it the night before at the

farmhouse over a few beers. Unable to decide who should deliver it,

Josh and Sam stood up together and took turns reading it.

When it was over there wasn't a dry eye in the church. CJ had managed

to pull her hand from Leo's just long enough to dig out a few tissues.

Josh and Sam looked out over the congregation and Josh said, "We didn't

want to do this, but we think it's a good thing. We couldn't entice CJ

Cregg-Lewison to come out to the farm last night to help us, so she's

got to get up here now and do something."

CJ stared at Leo, wide-eyed. "WHAT?!" she squeaked.

"Go" he said quietly as he gave he hand a squeeze and then let it go.

CJ took a deep breath and grabbed a handful of tissues before making her

way up the aisle slowly.

She took the podium, a familiar sense of ease washing over her, and

said, "I... ah... don't know what to say. President Bartlet was... a

complex man. He was my friend, through everything in my life that went

wrong or right. When I got married, he made a special trip to

California just for the wedding." She stopped and smiled. "I'm sure

the taxpayers loved that."

A few seconds of much needed laughter filled the sanctuary. She took a

deep breath and continued.

"I left the administration years ago, much to the disappointment of

President Bartlet. Even now, years later, I can still see the look on

his face when I told him I was leaving. It was then that I realized

just how much he meant to me, how much he treated us all like family."

CJ sobbed slightly and wiped her nose with a tissue as she felt Josh's

arm go around her shoulders. "Disappointing him in that way is one of

the things I regret most about my life. But regardless of how much that

hurt him he never once wavered in his support of me and of the path I

had chosen. That's just the way he was, supportive, loving and an

undeniable strength in the lives of so many people. I will miss him

dearly for the rest of my days."

CJ kissed Josh and Sam before stepping down from the podium. She

stopped for a moment at the casket. She kissed her fingers tips and

touched them briefly to the maple surface before returning to her seat.

Leo took her hand in his again, rubbing the top of it gently,

reassuringly. "He knows," he whispered.

She nodded and wiped her eyes with another kleenex. "I know."

When it was over, they were to follow the casket to the place on the

hill overlooking the farm that Jed had chosen as his final resting place.

Leo declined Abbey's invitation to ride in the limo with her and the

girls, instead favoring the ride with CJ in her rental car.

The ride was short and silent. The few times they had started to make

conversation it had died out quickly.

CJ parked the car and reached behind her to grab her scarf and gloves.

"Not used to these New England winters?" smirked Leo.

"No" she smiled. "Not at all. My kids have never even seen snow"

He chuckled. "You'll have to bring them out sometime and let me take

them out on the Mall in the winter."

She smiled. "They'll like that. I'd like that, Leo." She reached for

his hand. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. Maybe we can talk later, after things calm down a

little."

"I'd like that" said CJ as she opened the car door and got out.

The hearse had just pulled up and Leo went over to the black car. CJ

stood by Donna and watched as Toby, Sam, Josh, Leo, Charlie and Jed's

brother John pulled the casket from back and walked slowly up the snow

covered hill to the final resting place. The priest said a few words

and everyone left flowers on the top of the coffin. CJ was turning to

head back to the car when Leo grabbed her hand.

"Wait for me? Please." he pleaded.

She nodded her head and watched as Leo made his way back to the casket.

Abbey and the girls had returned to the car and were on their way back

to the farmhouse. CJ got into the car and turned on the heat to wait

for Leo. She could see him outside the driver's side window; he was

standing next to the coffin, slowly running a gloved hand across the

wooden surface. After ten minutes he crossed himself, leaned over to

plant a kiss on the top of the coffin and walked slowly back to the

car. The sight of him was almost enough to break CJ's heart.

She waited until he came closer to go out and wrap her arms around him

and just hold him. She let him cry on her shoulder until she couldn't

stand the cold anymore, and she led him to the car. "Let's go back to

my hotel," she said softly, putting the car into gear and backing up.

"We'll get some coffee and some lunch and talk."

"That sounds good," Leo said, his voice hollow.

Leo was dozing in the passengers seat when CJ pulled up to the hotel.

She watched him for minute as she wondered if he had gotten any sleep in

the past few days.

"Leo" she said as she nudged his shoulder.

He woke up slightly confused and dazed. She took his arm and guided him

to her room. She helped him out of his coat and steered him into a

chair. He sighed and closed his eyes as she flipped through the hotel's

information folder looking for somewhere to pick up a quick lunch. She

wasn't used to staying in a hotel without room service, but Manchester

New Hampshire wasn't exactly New York City and she didn't have much

choice of a hotel by the time she made the decision to come.

CJ finally found something on the list. "Well, I hope Mandy's Grill has

something edible..."

Leo laughed mirthlessly. "You Californians..."

"You Midwesterners. You and your cows."

"Don't diss the cows."

"So don't diss my rabbit food, thank you."

"OK, I won't" he muttered as he pulled at his tie and kicked off his

shoes.

"Guess, I'm running out to get the food" she smirked as he pulled the

chair closer to the bed so he could prop up his feet.

"You're the hostess"

"Fine, you want a hamburger and fries?"

"Sure"

She tossed her coat back on and headed for the door. "Relax, close your

eyes, I'll be back in a little while."

"OK" he murmured, his eyes already closed.

She flipped the lights off when she left. She went and bought him his

burger and fries, and got a large salad for herself. Over the years,

she'd just gone vegetarian because her husband was, so it was out of

habit.

But to tell the truth, she was having what she called a "Jed Bartlet

moment" and was craving a medium well filet mignon slathered in onions

and mushrooms.

Shrugging it off, she took the food back to the hotel and went back up

to her room.

As she had expected, Leo was sound asleep. He had crawled onto one of

the beds and turned on CNN before dozing off. CJ turned the TV down and

sat on the other bed to eat her salad. She got about halfway through it

before Leo started to wake up.

"Hey," he croaked.

"Hey yourself," she said around a mouthful of tomato. "Come eat before

it gets too cold."

He grunted his thanks as he sat up. "So tell me, are you happy?"

"Yeah," she said, honestly. "Most of the time, anyway. Ben's great,

and I love him."

Leo nodded. "He's good to you?"

"Yeah."

"He must be rich to afford the diamonds and all."

She nodded, a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning. "Leo,

say what you want to say, please."

"I never stopped loving you, CJ. I still do. If you weren't married

and didn't have kids, I'd snap you up again in a second. I learned my

lesson the hard way. Twice."

CJ just sat there unable to speak. She leaned over to put the remnants

of her lunch on the nightstand. As she sat back up she unconsciously

moved away from Leo just a bit.

"Say something. Please?" said Leo softly.

Her voice was soft. "I love Ben and the girls very much, Leo. I can't

do anything to hurt them. If things were different, maybe. But I

can't. I still love you -- I always will. Why do you think I've been

avoiding you all this time? It hurts to much to come face to face with

someone I can't have."

"I understand. I guess I would have an easier time with this if I have

moved on too, if I had gotten married, maybe even had kids. Speaking of

which, where are those pictures you promised to show me?" he asked with

a genuine smile.

"I've got the album in my suitcase... we're still having the dinner at

the farm tonight, right?" she asked, going over to her suitcase to get

the album.

"Yeah, as far as I know."

She came back with a photo album. "Knock yourself out."

She handed him the album as she settled back down next to him. They

leaned back against the headboard and flipped through the pictures, with

CJ giving a running commentary as they went along.

He laughed when he came to the picture of the whole family dressed up as

mimes, making funny faces for the camera. "Really, Claudia, I thought

you got rid of that exhibitionist streak."

She chuckled. "Nah. Not entirely." She tried to ignore the way he

said her name, but couldn't quite.

As they continued to look at the album she became acutely aware of just

how close they were to each other. They were side-by-side, legs

stretched out, he was leaning slightly forward with the album in his

lap, and she was leaning over his shoulder pointing out various people

in the pictures. She noticed he still wore the same cologne. Leaning

back slightly she closed her eyes as she tried to push away certain

feelings that were threatening to make their way into her mind. She had

worked hard over the years to put those feelings to rest and didn't

really want to acknowledge them again.

"Leo, do you mind if I go sit somewhere else?" she asked, her voice

shaky.

He looked up at her and shook his head. "I understand completely," he

said with a sad smile.

She started to sit in the chair next to the bed but found herself full

of nervous energy so she decided to pace around the room instead. A

glance out the window gave her the first glimpse of snow falling she had

had in years.

As she stood with her back to Leo and her forehead pressed against the

glass she thought about how Jed had told her that all he wanted was for

her to be happy. And she was, she had a great husband, two beautiful

girls and a great job. She had put the past behind her and moved on.

Now it was time to get Leo to do the same.

"So, seeing anyone lately?" she asked innocently.

"What?" croaked Leo.

"You heard me" she said with her back still turned.

"No, not recently" he sighed.

"When was the last time you went on a date?"

"CJ!"

"What?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"No, I'm not."

"What, you've got someone in mind for me?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, Leo..."

"No, please don't" begged Leo.

"She's nice, she think you're kinda cute"

"CJ" warned Leo. He stayed silent for about a minute. "OK who is she?

And how does she know I'm cute?" he asked rolling his eyes.

CJ laughed as she turned around. "She's my next door neighbor and she

saw your picture on my mantel."

"Your mantel? You have my picture on your mantel?" he asked, eyebrows

raised.

"Oh please, there's a picture of Jed and the rest of us on my mantel."

laughed CJ.

"Oh" muttered Leo with a smile.

"Leo, seriously. You're just going to go back to Washington, right?"

"Yeah."

"Come with me back to Sacramento. Visit a couple of weeks. The girls

will love you, Nancy'll go bananas over you..." She smirked and waggled

her eyebrows.

Leo couldn't resist, he just couldn't hold back. "You're so beautiful,"

he whispered, moving to kiss her.

"Stop," she squeaked when they finally came up for air. "No, Leo."

She pushed herself away from him and walked back to the window. Looking

out over the snowy street she composed herself by taking a few deep

breaths. Leo just stood rooted in his spot on the other side of the

room, unable to believe what he had just done.

She turned back to him, her eyes sad. "This is why I didn't come back,

Leo," she said quietly. "I knew this would happen eventually. And if I

wasn't as strong as I am, I wouldn't be able to resist."

Leo nodded in agreement. "At least one of us is strong enough" he said

quietly as he sat down to put on his shoes. "I guess I'll call a cab"

"No, you don't have to. I'll get ready and we can go over to the

farmhouse and see if Abbey needs any help"

"You're still going?" he asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah, I was invited, we're both adults, we can do this. We have to do

this, for ourselves...for Jed."

"Yeah, but I..."

"Leo, it has nothing to do with what just happened. That was a

stumbling block. We all need to be together for the sake of the

family." She took a deep breath. "Even though I left."

"You do know that everyone understood why you left, right?"

"Everyone but you" she said pointedly.

"Yeah" he admitted.

"Do you want me to tell you why?"

"Please. Preferably using small words and visual aids," he teased.

She smiled. "I left because I couldn't work with you anymore. I had

begun to associate everything in my life with you, and without you

there, my whole system was gone. I had to get away and rebuild."

"And you certainly did. You found a husband, had two kids and landed a

great job. And I...well, I didn't move on. I threw myself into my work

and essentially cut myself off from the rest of the world. So now, 10

years later, I have nothing more to show for my life."

"That's not true. You helped Jed get elected to a second term, you're a

wonderful grandfather to Mallory's son, you have friends who love you

and..."

"And that's it. There's nothing more. My best friend is gone and I'm

retired. I don't know what to do with myself. My life is so empty.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I know it is all my fault that

I never moved on. Believe me when I say I haven't been sitting around

waiting for you all these years. Deep down I knew you were never coming

back to me. I didn't date because work was easier to deal with, so I

spent long hours at the office. That was nothing new. So here I am, 65

years old, and utterly alone"

Leo walked to the window and leaned with his forehead on the glass. CJ

watched him for a while and finally crossed the room and stood next to

him. After hesitating for a minute she reached out to gently rub his

back. He flinched at first but eventually let her comfort him as tears

began to fall. She took him by the shoulders, kissed his forehead and

took him into her arms.

After the tears were down she sat him down on the bed, got him a glass

of water and tossed him the box of tissues. She sat on the chair in

front of the bed, watching him.

"Thanks for not kicking me out" he said, his voice hoarse and shaky.

"I would never" she said quietly as she glanced at her watch. "Look we

have a couple of hours until we need to farmhouse. Do you still want to

go early and see if Abbey needs help?"

Leo shook his head. "I'm not ready to go back there yet"

"OK. Well, not to be mean or anything but you look like crap. Why

don't you just lay back and rest for a while. I have some reading to do

and a few phone calls to make"

"OK" said Leo.

He kicked off his shoes again and let CJ pull him to his feet. She

pushed back the covers as he took off his tie and slid the suspenders

off of his shoulders.

"Leo, lose the pants and shirt. Unless of course you're gonna feel like

ironing when you wake up" teased CJ.

He smiled as he took off his dress shirt and suitpants. He crawled into

the bed and within 5 minutes was sound asleep.

CJ spread her work out on the other bed and tried to concentrate. It

was a struggle, everytime Leo moved or snored she glanced over at the

other bed. She smiled as she thought about the good times they had

shared. Even though things had ended badly the good times far

outweighed the bad. Deep down she still loved him, but she wasn't *in

love* with him. She hadn't been for a long time.

As much as she had been dreading this trip she was glad she had come.

If nothing else it proved to her that she had indeed moved on.

Leo shifted in his sleep again and she looked over at him. He still

slept the same way he always had, she thought to herself, curled up in a

ball, covers tucked under his chin.

She worked for a while longer and then got up to stretch and to find her

cell phone. Grabbing a glass of water she walked back towards the

beds. Gently she sat down on the edge of Leo's bed. Reaching over she

ran her fingers through his sandy hair. Before getting up she planted a

kiss on his forehead.

She settled back down on the bed to call Ben and the girls. As the

phone began to ring she wiped away the single tear made its way down her

cheek.

THE END

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