When You Say Nothing at All

Wednesday morning 6:00 AM

I wake up feeling like death warmed over. Hung over, only I didn't have anything to drink. I guess that's what happens when you don't really sleep well for a couple of weeks. It's bound to catch up with you sooner or later. I reach over to Abbey's side of the bed, empty. Then I hear the shower start. I figure I have a good half an hour to go back to sleep before she comes out of the bathroom and reminds me I have senior staff at 7:30. They can wait for a few minutes; after all, I am the President of the United States. I must fall right back to sleep, I don't even hear her come out of the bathroom, go to the closet and get dressed. By the time she wakes me she's already dressed and ready to go. She sits on her side of the bed and shakes my shoulder.

"Jed, it's almost 7, you have a meeting in half an hour."

I just groan, roll over again and put the pillow over my head. I guess she isn't amused because she grabs the quilt and uncovers me. Now I'm awake and cold.

"That's not any way to treat the President, Abigail"

I sit up and grab the quilt again. She turns to face me and for the first time this morning she gets a good look at me. I guess I look pretty awful because she puts on her doctor face and starts to make a fuss.

"Honey are you OK, you really don't look too well."

"I'm fine, just tired."

She touches her lips to my forehead. I know what she's going to say next.

"Jed, you feel a little warm. Let me check your temperature and get you some ibuprofen"

"Really, I'm fine."

I guess I'm not too convincing because she comes back with the thermometer anyway. At least she brought the ear one.

"100.1, take the pills and hopefully this won't trigger another relapse. Try to take it easy today."

"I will, I have to get in the shower, do me a favor and call Leo, change the meeting to 8:15."

"Sure, promise you'll eat something this morning."

"Abigail, don't fuss, please."

She must hear the pleading sound in my voice.

"OK, I won't. I'll call you later."

She gives me a quick kiss and hug and is out the door. I head to the bathroom for a hot shower. I glance in the mirror at my reflection. I guess I do look really tired. And old, when did that happened?

The shower helps and by 8:00 I am on my way to the Oval Office. Mrs.Landingham is waiting with a cup of coffee and some fruit. Not what I was hoping for, but better than vegetables. I'm eating and reading when Leo walks in.

"Good morning, Mr. President."

He looks at me for a minute without saying another word. I brace myself for what's coming next.

"Sir, Abbey was right, you do look like crap."

At least he says it with a smile.

"I knew she would tell you to look after me today. You two are too predictable. At least now you can tell her I ate breakfast. And remember to tell her it was fruit and not a donut."

"Yes, sir."

The rest of the staff files in for the morning meeting. CJ, Toby and Sam take their seats. Josh comes in but kind of hangs by the door for a minute.

"Josh, sit, we'll talk later."

"Yes, sir."

The meeting goes fine, as does the rest of the morning. I still haven't scheduled any time to talk to Josh. That's because I don't know what to say. Leo mentions it twice but then I guess he just gives up. Josh and I see each other plenty, I mean we do have work to do but nothing of any importance is said about his behavior. By the middle of the afternoon I am wiped out. I ask Mrs. Landingham to hold my calls for a while so I can put my feet up and let the ibuprofen I just took start to work. Charlie comes in with a cup of tea and turns the lights off for me. Half an hour later I'm starting to feel better, I slip my shoes back on and go to talk to Mrs. Landingham.

"Feeling better, sir?"

"Yeah, a little. May I have a cookie?"

"Yes, one. If you had eaten some salad for lunch I would give you two."

"You drive a hard bargain, Mrs. Landingham."

"I try, sir."

I meet with the senior staff for a while about the IMF loans and our meeting with Didion. Josh doesn't say too much. He just kind of sits back and listens. Leo and I don't push him. Josh leaves early for a dinner meeting. As we finish up the meeting I can tell Sam wants to say something. He waits until we are alone.

"Sir, I know it's none of my business but..."

"You want to know if I have talked to Josh."

Sam nods his head.

"No, and I really feel bad about that fact. We should talk but..."

"But it's hard, right Sir?"

"Yeah."

"It'll happen, don't worry. I have some things to finish up in my office. I will see you in the morning."

"Goodnight Sam and thanks for asking."

Leo's on the phone in his office so I just wave goodbye and head up to the residence. Abbey isn't home yet. I change and stretch out on the couch. I guess I doze off for a while. When I wake up Abbey sitting on the chair reading.

"Hi, what time it is."

"Almost 8, did you eat yet?"

"No, how about we just go to the kitchen and grab something, give me a minute."

"Sure, how are you feeling? Any fever?"

"I'm fine."

She doesn't look like she believes me but she drops the subject without getting out her trusty thermometer. We walk to the kitchen hand in hand. She makes a couple of sandwiches and we sit at the table, alone. It's almost like we are a normal couple. I can't remember the last time we just ate dinner alone in the kitchen. It feels great. Abbey cleans up while I dig in the back of the freezer for my stash of Ben & Jerry's. I grab a pint and two spoons to take back with us. We curl up on the couch, eat the ice cream and watch TV. I think this was just the kind of night we both needed. After the ice cream I turn off the TV, turn on the stereo and lay down with my head in Abbey's lap. The sounds of Alison Krauss fill the room.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart.

Without saying a word, you can light up the dark.

Try as I may I can never explain,

What I hear when you don't say a thing.

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.

The touch of you hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

All day long I can hear people talking about you

But when you hold me tight you drown out the crowd

Old Mr. Webster could never define

What's being said between your heart and mine.

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.

The touch of you hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

That song is Abbey. She knows when to just be with me and not say a word. She always knows what I need and when. Sometimes it's scary. She brushes the hair from my eyes and caresses my cheek. God, I love her more now than I did the day I married her. I didn't think that would ever be possible. The CD ends and my weariness has gotten the best of me. We crawl into bed and I snuggle next to Abbey. The words to the song echo in my mind as I drift off to sleep.

The next few days pass by in a blur. My fever comes and goes but nothing serious seems to be coming on. No signs of a major relapse, for which I am eternally grateful. I've been sleeping a little better. And eating better under the eagle eye of Mrs. Landingham. I think she enjoys bribing me with cookies. I'd like to say Josh and I had a long conversation but that would be a big lie. We've danced around the subject a couple of times but we always get interrupted. I know I need to schedule some time just for the purpose of talking to him about his situation. But I don't get around to it. And I feel pretty ashamed about that.

Abbey's been just great over the past few days, even though I am sure she wants to wring my neck about now. She's listened to me rant and scream, complain and cry. She's always waiting to hold me in her arms and to say the right thing. But most of all she knows when not to talk. Just like the song.

Stanley Keyworth from ATVA talking to the rest of the staff over the past few days I talked to him myself 2 days ago. I don't know how much help I was to him. After all, everyone tried to hide the fact that Josh was coming apart from me. I don't think the President of the United States should be the last to know. But I guess things just worked out that way. I mentioned to Stanley that I sometimes felt I needed to talk to someone. He promised to call me with a name of someone who he thought I would work well with and that was utterly discreet.

Abbey and I spend Christmas Eve at home with Zoey. Charlie and his sister come over for dinner and we all go to Midnight Mass together. It was a nice family time without the entire nation watching.

So now it's Christmas. The presents have all been opened, dinner is cooking and I have managed to sneak away to the office for a few minutes. Abbey wasn't thrilled about me going to the Oval Office but I think she understands. She always understands.

The hallways are almost deserted. Just a few people here. I see the light on in Josh's office. He must have left them on. Then I hear the TV. I guess he is here. It makes sense I guess, he doesn't celebrate Christmas. I knock on the door.

"Josh, it's the President, you in there?"

"God, Sir, you scared me, I didn't think there was anyone around. What are you doing here, shouldn't you be up in the residence with your family?"

"I snuck out for a while. What are you doing? How did things go at the hospital, your hand OK?"

"It's fine. Donna took me to the hospital in my car so I drove her back her a little while ago so she could pick up her car. I didn't have anything planned so I thought I would come and try to straighten some things up in here. I've kind of let some things go over the past few weeks."

"I understand. Do you have some time to talk?"

"Yes, sir I do and I would like that very much."

"I'll be in my office, take your time."

I head back to the Oval Office, sneaking some cookies from Mrs. Landingham's desk along the way. She's probably got them counted or something. She'll let me have it tomorrow. Oh, well. It is only a few minutes before Josh knocks on the door.

"Come in, sit, and relax."

Josh pulls a chair up to my desk. I sit back in the chair and put up my feet. I hand him a cookie.

"Thank you sir. I, uh, don't really know where to start."

"It doesn't matter where you start. I'm not here to criticize or judge"

"Thanks, I guess I'll start by trying to apologize. First of all I am sorry it took me so long to get to this point of being ready to face you."

"It's not your fault. I could have made time this week too."

"Anyway, after my terrible outburst, for which I will be eternally sorry, I asked Leo if I should come back in here. I said I wasn't at my best when I was yelling. Leo said something that really made me realize that I did indeed need help. He said he didn't know if I was fully conscious when I said those things to you. I don't think I was. It was like I heard my voice but it didn't seem to be coming from my body. I couldn't control my voice, my brain. It was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. I know my explanation doesn't make up for what I did but I hope it helps you to understand what was happening to me."

"Josh, I do understand, I'm not saying I wasn't pissed at the time but I've come to understand some things. From talking to Abbey and to Stanley. I learned some things about myself too. I was talking to Abbey a few nights ago and wondering aloud if what you're going through could happen to me some time. I mean, we both were shot. Granted you were much worse off than I was. I have a lot of guilt about the whole shooting."

"But sir, you weren't the target. You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"I know but it doesn't change the way I feel. I mean, when someone yells "gun" everyone tries to protect me. What about the others around me, who's going to protect them? It's not exactly fair."

"But you're the President, that is just a fact of your life."

"That's exactly what Abbey said."

"She's a smart woman, sir."

"She certainly is."

I swing my feet off the desk and stand for a minute. Josh starts to rise.

"Josh, please don't get up, I just need to stretch my legs."

"Sorry."

I walk over to the humidor and grab two cigars. I toss one to Josh and grab the lighter from my desk drawer. We light up and for a little while we just contemplate in silence, what has already been said and what still needs to be said. Our silence speaks volumes, to me at least. I glance out Charlie's door and see Abbey peeking in. Josh is sitting with his back to the door and doesn't notice her. She sees that we are finally talking and just smiles and leaves us alone.

"Josh, I'm going to ask you something, it's not any of my business so don't feel obligated to tell me."

"Go on."

"What happened at the meeting with Stanley?"

"Well, it's hard to explain. I needed to be able to remember the shooting without reliving it. Stanley felt that something happened about 3 weeks ago to trigger memories and that the night at the Congressional Christmas party everything just came through and I had to relive it all over again."

"What triggered it"?

"You're not going to believe this one. Most gunshot victims react to a branch breaking or a car back firing. I guess I couldn't be that normal. In my head I equated the sirens from that night with the music that Toby had arranged in the lobby. Strange, huh?"

"So basically, it's all Toby's fault."

Josh just laughs and nods in agreement.

"What about the pilot?"

"According to Stanley I identified with him for a number of reasons, we had the same birthday, he was shot at in Bosnia and some other things."

"Wow, the mind is a complex thing isn't it?"

"It sure is sir. So now Stanley will call in a few days with the name of someone he thinks I will like and I will continue to get some help."

"I'm just curious, did he give you a diagnosis."

"Yeah, one he came up with 5 minutes after we met. I guess I was that transparent. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"PTSD, that was Abbey's guess. Josh, I just want you to know that despite everything that has happened I am honored to work with you and nothing will change that. You don't have to worry about your position here as you continue to get help. No one will treat you any differently. Leo and I will see to that."

"Thank you very much sir, that means a lot to me. I think I should be going, I'm sure Mrs. Bartlet is looking for you by now."

"Actually she poked her head in a little while ago. You just didn't see her. She's been bugging me to talk to you for almost a week so she didn't disturb us. We're about to have dinner, would you like to join us?"

"Thank you sir, but I think I will finish up some things in my office and then give Donna a call and see if she wants to have dinner."

"Very well, see you in the morning Josh.'

"Merry Christmas, Mr. President."

Josh leaves and I clean up the incriminating cookie crumbs from my desk and my sweater. Abbey appears at the door as I am about to head back to the residence. She sits on the couch while I gather a few papers.

"So, how did it go"?

"Very well. I think everything will be OK. I want to thank you again for putting up with me over the past few days. I know I have been difficult."

"Jed, you have no idea."

We leave the office and walk in silence, hand in hand.

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,

There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.

The touch of you hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

THE END

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