Where I Belong
Half an hour ago we got word about the budget.
I should be happy; I should be celebrating.
Instead I'm sitting in my office, feet on the window sill. I sit in the
dark, waiting for someone to notice I'm not in on the celebration that's going
on in the Roosevelt Room. Well, actually
I'm not waiting for just anyone to notice I'm missing; I'm waiting for Leo to
notice I'm missing.
And I think I'll be waiting until hell freezes over, pigs fly and...and I'm
too tired to come up with another good one.
"Josh?" Donna calls softly from the doorway. Even in the reflection of the window I can
tell she's got her worried face on.
Well, at least someone noticed I was missing. I'm sure she noticed the
minute the party started but she knew I needed some time to myself.
Apparently my time is up.
"Hey," I mutter as I pull my feet off the window sill and turn
around. "They still in there?"
I ask, cocking my head in the general direction of the party.
"Yeah. Come on, stop brooding
and join the party."
"You have an engraved invitation?" I snort as I wearily drop my
head to the desk.
"No," she answers sadly as she sits down next to my head. I glance up at her for a second and go back
to staring at the dark oak of my desk.
Her hand drops to the back of my head and she runs her fingers through
my hair. I sit up a minute later,
knowing that if we stay this way, I'm going to lose it, again.
"I'll go for a minute. Show my
face, make up some excuse and leave. You
coming with me?"
"If you want me to."
"I do."
And how many times have I dreamt about saying those two words to Donna?
She leads me into the party, basically shoving me through the doorway when
we get there. We mingle for a
while. Leo stays on the other side of
the room but manages to shoot me more than a few annoyed looks. Finally, just as I'm about to make my exit,
he comes over.
"Josh," he mutters, not saying anything more.
"Leo," I mutter back, echoing his general tone.
"The President looks forward to seeing you at staff tomorrow
morning."
His words and tone just confirm what I've suspected for most of the
afternoon. The idea to bring me back
into the loop wasn't his, it was the President's. Actually from what Donna said this afternoon
it was only the President's order, it was Mrs. Bartlet's idea.
"Yeah, I'll be there," I mutter.
Leo's looking pretty uncomfortable right now, not that I really care.
"So, I'm going to get out of here.
Still not feeling great and I want to get some sleep," I blurt,
giving him the "out" he doesn't deserve.
"Good...good. Uh, see you
tomorrow," Leo mumbles as he's already heading across the room to talk to
Angela. Donna's catches my eye, bids
farewell to Toby and meets me by the door.
"So, want to go to "our" place?" she asks as she hands
me my bag and grabs her coat. I take it
from her and hold it out so she can slip it on.
"Nah, not in the mood to visit Abe.
How about the other end of the Mall?"
Donna stares for a few seconds. She knows I usually want to go to the
Lincoln Memorial when I'm brooding.
"Only if you promise there won't be any yelling."
"Promise," I say with a grin as I cross my heart.
We hop on the Metro, make a quick stop at Starbucks and settle down by the
Reflecting Pool for a few minutes. We
stare at the massive building, bathed in the moonlight. There's really nothing like it. I glance at Donna and she has this goofy grin
on her face. The same one I get when we
visit the Lincoln Memorial. "You
want to go sit on the steps?" she asks as she reaches into her coat
pocket, looking for change. She tosses a
few coins in the pool and hands me a penny.
Usually when I toss a penny my wish has to do with Donna.
But tonight I wish for something else.
"Come on," Donna says as she tugs on my coat sleeve. I want nothing more than to take her hand as
we head for the steps but I know that is not a good idea. While it's not crowded here this time of
night we are by no means the only people around. We settle halfway up the flight of stairs,
looking out towards the Washington Monument. "So this is where it all started?"
she asks, baiting me to retell the story of how Leo and I talked on these very
steps so many years ago. How he talked
me into going to Nashua to hear Jed
Bartlet speak.
"Something like that," I mutter not taking the bait.
"Josh, you love to tell that story."
"Maybe we shouldn't have come here."
"Josh, what's wrong?" she asks, nudging me with her
shoulder. Now I'm pretty sure she knows what
is wrong but wants me to be the one to say it.
"Things are still..."
"Unbalanced?" she guesses correctly.
"Sort of. I mean, we're ok, I
think we're balanced but...but..."
"Leo?" she asks as she pats my shoulder.
"Yeah. It wasn't his idea. It was barely the President's idea."
"Yeah, you can give credit for the idea to the Sisterhood," she
smirks.
"I just don't know if we'll ever get back to normal," I whine as
I get up to pace. Donna lets me walk
around for a few minutes. I'm gathering
my thoughts and she knows it. Five
minutes later she's motioning for me to sit back down. "For as long as I can remember Leo has
always been a part of my life. I
am...was...closer to him than my uncles.
In fact Joanie and I called him Uncle Leo when we were little. I only stopped when I went away to
college. He's always been there for me,
when Joanie died, when Dad died, when I was shot and for a million other happy
occasions over the years. And now, I
don't know if it will ever be the same.
I don't know if I can trust him again."
"Josh, I'm going to say something and I don't know how it's going to
come out. So bear with me." I nod for her to continue. "You screwed up, there's no denying
that. And Leo came down harder on you
than he should have. He went about
things the wrong way. He should have
told you about Angela. But I think he
sees things this way...the two of you are close, the rest of the staff and the
President know that. So when he punishes
you he sometimes goes a little overboard.
I guess, trying not to act like he's playing favorites. Trying not to let you off easy. This time he just went crazy."
"I can't believe you're defending him," I snort as I try to stand
up again. Donna's hand on my shoulder
prevents me from doing so. "We're
you just yelling at him a few days ago?"
"Yes. Yes, I was yelling at
him. But I'm trying to understand what
he did."
"Why? You're supposed to be on
my side," I say. I know I'm whining
but I don't care.
"Josh, I am on your side," she says as she tentatively reaches
for my hand. I consider pulling away but
I don't want Donna pissed at me too. I'm
a little short on friends at the moment.
"You and Leo will work through this."
"He doesn't even want me around the office. You think he's going to ask me out to lunch
to chat?" Again with the whining.
"Well, if Margaret and I have to lock the two of you in a room until
you work things out, then that's what we'll do."
"Power of the Sisterhood?"
"Something like that."
"I just want to be happy again.
I want things to be normal...balanced.
I want to know I can walk into Leo's office without being reamed
out," I yell. Looking around I make
sure I haven't drawn attention to myself.
A picture of me yelling on the steps of the Capitol is not what I need
right now.
"It's not just about Leo."
"I know it's not," Donna whispers as she rubs my back. "Try to put it into words," she
coaxes gently.
"I just want...I want...."
"Want what Josh?" she pushes, knowing if she doesn't I'll just
brood in silence.
"I want to feel normal. I want
to feel confident. I want to be able to
hold my head high when I walk into a room.
I want people to stop staring. I
want people to stop looking to make sure the windows in my office are still intact. I want to be able to look you in the eye and
not want to cry. I want to be able to
walk into the Oval Office and feel like I belong. I want to go back to the day of my birthday
and just not get out of bed," I lean over with my head in my hands as Donna
continues to rub my back. "I can't do this anymore," I whisper,
regretting that comment instantly.
"Josh, I will help you in any way I can. You know that. But you need more help than I can give.
Tomorrow morning you need to make an appointment with your doctor and your
therapist. Your medication might need to
be adjusted and even if it doesn't, you need to talk to someone more qualified
than me," Donna says. I know she's
choosing her words carefully as not to make me even more upset...if that's even
possible right now. The only reason I am
not bawling like a two year old is the fact that I'm sitting on the steps of
the United States Capitol.
"OK," I mutter. Donna presses a quick kiss to my cheek and stands
up.
"Come on. You need something to
eat and some sleep. How's your stomach
been?" she asks, ever the guardian of my well-being, physical and
emotional.
"A little better, I guess.
Haven't thrown up in a day and a half."
"Well, I suppose that's something.
What do you want for dinner?"
"Scrambled eggs and toast. And
since I'm out of eggs and bread I guess I'll have to go out. Wanna come with me?"
"Sure."
We walk down the steps slowly. I stop near the spot where Leo and I talked
years ago. "Is this the exact
spot?" teases Donna.
"Close enough I guess," I mutter as turn to look back up at the
Capitol. Like most of the monuments
there this special quality about it, especially at night. It's almost magical. And for a minute I feel almost normal. Maybe the feeling will last more than I few
minutes and I can relax tonight.
We head across the Mall towards the Metro station. I stop in the middle of the grassy area and
stare at the Washington Monument. Donna indulges my strange behavior as I
slowly turn around, taking in sight of everything bathed in the moonlit, the
monuments, the museums, my adorable assistant.
This is my city and it's absolutely beautiful.
And more importantly....it's where I belong.
THE END
