You Can’t Fix Everything
I can feel the blood
drain from my face as I take the phone from Amy. She leaves the room under the pretense of
giving me some privacy as I listen to Sam explain what happened. But in reality she doesn't want to deal with
the emotionally fragile part of me.
She's made that quite clear over the past few weeks when I've tried a
few times to talk about Rosslyn. She
thinks I should be over it by now and usually changes the subject.
As I hang up the phone I
sink down onto the couch and try to catch my breath. Sam said they would be returning to the White
House within a few hours. He offered to
call Donna for me and tell her but after some discussion I agreed to have Toby
call her after he called Ginger. He's
pretty good at breaking bad news to her.
And I'm, well, not so good at it and would probably fall apart doing
it. That's not to say that I'm not going
to fall apart when I do see her. I just
need to keep myself together and get out of here in one piece.
"Amy?" I call
as I grab my shoes from under the coffee table and slip them on.
"You off the phone
J?" she asks as she comes out from the bedroom in her bathrobe.
"Yeah, I gotta head
back to the office." I mumble as I throw my bag over my shoulder.
"I could go with you
if you want. It's no problem." she
asks in a tone that I've come to recognize as completely insincere.
"No, it's ok. I'm going to meet...." I stop talking as
my cell phone starts ringing. I glance
at the read out, it's Donna's cell. I
want to answer it but decide to let it go to voice mail as I make my exit.
"Fine, call me
tomorrow. We can finish our
discussion." she says in a voice void of any emotion.
"Amy, that was a
fight, not a discussion."
"I know J. Just go, go meet..." she stops herself
from finishing that sentence with an exaggerated sigh. I had no time to get sucked into another
argument so I just leave without a word and without looking back.
I pick up Donna's message
as I get into my car. From the way she
says my name I can tell she's already talked to Toby. She's trying to hold herself together so she
can focus on holding me together. I wish
she wouldn't do that. She tells me to
meet her at our place and she assures me she will drive there and sit in the
car until I get there.
Ten minutes later I park
behind Donna's car. She gets out and
wordlessly takes my arm as we cross the street to go sit in the shadow of Abe
Lincoln. She's brought coffee with her; a huge cup for us to share. We settle down about halfway up the
stairs. She hands me the coffee and I
take a huge gulp, burning my tongue in the process. I laugh bitterly while she just shakes her
head at me.
"You ok?" she
asks as she pats my back for a second.
"Just great." I
mutter.
"Josh." she
says softly in the tone I've come to easily recognize. The one that says, you need to talk about
what's bothering you and I'm really not in the mood to drag it out of you.
"It's my
fault." I whisper. "I arranged
for protection for CJ and look what happened."
"Josh, what happened
had nothing to do with Simon protecting CJ.
He was caught in an armed robbery."
"Because he was in New York with CJ."
"Josh." she
sighs.
It's pretty clear she's
not going to let me wallow in...whatever I'm about to wallow in.
"He was doing his
job. CJ would have gotten protection
whether you arranged for it or not. You
know that."
"Yeah but that's not
going to make it any easier when I have to face her."
"And you're going to
have to do that in a few hours." she says grabbing my hand to look at my
watch, which is probably wrong anyway.
"Want me to go with you when you see her?"
"No, but you can
wait for me." I say quietly.
"Always,
Joshua." she says as she gives my hand a squeeze.
I sigh and put my head in
my hands trying to think of what the hell I am going to say to CJ when I do see
her. There are no words to say to make
things better; nothing I can say will change things. There is no way I can fix this.
Looking up to stare at
the Washington Monument I think of that warm May evening
two years ago when I almost died. I think of a year ago when we lost a good
friend. I think about how I look forward
to tearing off the month of May off my desk calendar.
As my view of the Washington Monument starts to blur I feel Donna reach
into my back pocket and pull out my handkerchief. She hands it to me and rubs my back.
"I can't fix
this." I sigh.
"I know you can't,
nobody can."
"But it's what I
do." I say, my voice edging towards the whining stage.
"Josh, you fix the
things you can fix, you fight the fights you can win, you fight the fights that
need winning. And all the other stuff
you just get through one way or another."
"I just feel like I
haven't fixed anything in a long time."
"What about the
diary fiasco?" she asks as she nudges me until I look at her. She smiles warmly and squeezes my hand.
"Yeah, I guess I did
fix that." I say with half a smirk.
"And the vote
tonight? Fixed."
"Yeah but at what
price?" I mutter, half hoping she didn't hear me because I'm really not in
the mood to talk about Amy right now.
Thankfully Donna either
didn't hear me or has wisely chosen to ignore my comment.
"Josh, you're only
human. You need to be reminded of that
fact once in a while." she says as she pats me on the shoulder before
standing up. "Let's head back to
work. I'm sure you could use some Advil
and something to eat before things get frantic."
I nod and reach out my
hand so she can pull me to my feet. We
drive back to the White House in our respective cars. She runs off to take care of a few things and
hunt down something to eat while I kick off my shoes and stretch out on the
couch. Ten minutes later she returns
with Advil, Yoo Hoo and a bagel.
"Sam just called, at
least another 2 hours until they get back." I say as I sit up so she can
have some room on the couch.
"Good, then eat this
and try to get a little rest. You look
like crap." she says with a grin.
I manage to choke down
about half the bagel and finish the Yoo Hoo.
Donna scoots off the couch and motions for me to lie down. I settle down and she rubs my back for a few
minutes. I'm vaguely aware of her
kissing my cheek and turning out the light.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up from a
nightmare shaky and disoriented. Donna's
nowhere to be seen and the room is completely dark. I struggle to my feet and out into the
bullpen. I nearly trip over my shoes,
alerting Donna to the fact that I'm awake.
"Josh, you ok?"
she asks as she looks up at me.
I shake my head weakly
and lean against the doorjamb.
"Nightmare?"
I can only nod my head as
Donna gets up and crosses over to me.
She brushes back the hair that's plastered to my forehead before she
gives me a quick hug.
"They should be back
soon. Why don't you go splash some water
on your face and pull yourself together."
"OK."
Forty minutes later I'm
sitting on Donna's desk, stalling. It's
the middle of the night and everyone returned from New York a little while ago.
"Josh....Josh, you
listening?" I'm suddenly aware of Donna standing in front of me, tapping
me on the knee.
"What?" I
mutter trying to figure out how long I've been in a daze.
"CJ's asking for
you."
I sigh deeply and run my
hands through my hair nervously.
Donna smoothes my hair
down and kisses my forehead.
"Go." she says quietly as she pulls me to my feet.
I hug her for a second
before heading over to CJ's office.
Donna walks with me as far as the end of the hallway, her hand resting
on the small of my back. She gives me a
gentle push as I turn the corner.
I look back over my
shoulder and smile. Donna's watching me
walk away as I usually watch her.
I know I can't fix what
happened tonight but maybe, just maybe I can start to fix what's gone wrong between
Donna and I over the past 6 months.
THE END
