You and Me Against the World

I steer Josh towards my cubicle to wait while I head to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and blow my nose again. By the time I get back out a few minutes later he's turned off my computer and is currently staring at the pictures of the two of us that sit on my bookshelf.

"Sit for a minute," I say, motioning towards my chair. He sits without a word and lets me wipe his face with a damp paper towel. His eyes are red and puffy and he looks tired, as usual. I reach out and brush back his hair for the first time in weeks. He smiles and leans into my touch.

"Do you want to go out for coffee or go to your place?" I ask as we head down the hall. I want to give him the choice. I know his emotions are so close to the edge right now and I don't know if being in public is what he wants or not. I know that sometimes he just doesn't want to fall apart and being in public lessens the chance that he'll completely lose it. It takes him a few minutes to decide and by that time we're almost out of the building.

"Let's go to my place."

I guess I'm not as in touch with him as I thought, I would have bet money on going out for coffee. But who am I to argue?

We both walked this morning. My car's in the shop again and I think Josh has taken to walking lately. Not sure why but he's getting some exercise so I'm not going to question it. "You up for walking or do you want to take a cab?"

"Cab, I've been a little stiff today," he admits with a shrug. I think that may be the first of many things he admits tonight.

We walk out to the street and he hails us a cab. He's quiet on the ride home, but he's not brooding. I guess reflective would be a better description. I'm pretty sure he's trying to gather his thoughts together, mentally sorting out what to tell me and what to keep inside. I really don't know what to expect tonight.

I know what I'd like to hear, what I've been waiting for hear for years. But I'm not sure that a declaration of undying love from Joshua Lyman is what I'll be hearing in the next few hours.

Josh tosses some money to the driver and he slides out of the car, reaching back to take my hand to help me out. He drops my hand as soon as my feet hit the sidewalk and I really try not to act too disappointed.

Once inside he kicks off his shoes and drops his coat, having missed the hook by a good 3 inches. "Damn," he mutters to himself as he leans over to retrieve it. I can tell by the way he's moving that he's pretty uncomfortable. I'm not sure how long he was sitting on the floor outside Toby's office but I'm sure it didn't help his back, hip, leg, whatever is bothering him tonight.

"Coffee or tea?" I ask as I pull a couple of mugs out of the cabinet.

Josh mulls over the decision for a minute, leading me to believe he's deciding if coffee would sit on his stomach. He hasn't admitted it but I know he's been having trouble keeping things down for a while now. More than once he dashed to the men's room only to return a while later pale and shaky. There's at least a six pack of ginger ale in the fridge in his office and he's got a stash of saltines in the bottom right hand draw of his desk. I haven't said anything about it, but I've watched what I bring him to eat, trying to keep things on the plain side.

"Tea. I'll be back in a minute," he says as he motions down the hall.

"You taking a shower?"

"No, I think I'll just change."

While Josh changes I kick off my own shoes and check out the food situation in the fridge. "Josh, do you want some eggs and toast?" I yell, knowing he didn't eat dinner.

"I guess, scrambled," he calls back as he ducks into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later we're sitting on the couch eating, or I should say I'm eating; Josh is pushing his food around on the plate. Not in the mood to argue about his eating habits, I just let it be.

"I have some things to tell you. And I want you to just listen, ok?" Josh says as he puts his plate on the coffee table and sits sideways on the couch facing me. I notice he's being careful not to get too close, not to touch me. I think that sometimes distance makes it easier for him to say what's on his mind. I nod for him to continue. Josh takes a few deep breaths and I can tell he's trying to stay where he is but the urge to pace is creeping up on him. "After all the Carrick crap I took your advice and made appointments with Dr. Collins and Stanley." I just smile and nod, not wanting to interrupt anything. "You were right. Dr. Collins adjusted the Paxil; he upped the dosage from 10 mg a day to 20 mg."

"Is it helping?" I ask, grabbing a throw pillow to hold so I don't reach out to touch him.

"I think so but the side effects suck."

"Dry mouth and sick to your stomach?" I ask. He nods. "Kind of figured, you've been going through a lot of candy and well, you've quickly disappeared into the bathroom more than a few times these last few months.

"It's getting a little better, as long as I watch what I eat. But I guess you've already figured that out given the stuff you've been getting me from the mess."

I just nod. "Anything else?"

"It's made me shaky. Not all the time but once in a while I just feel a little unsteady. My handwriting is starting to resemble yours,” he teases. “That's why I've been walking to work. I'm not thrilled about driving."

I can only nod again. Something like that had never occurred to me. I motion for Josh to continue.

"I've been seeing Stanley every other week." I just nod again. I don't want to say too much, I want him to take the lead and tell me everything he feels comfortable telling me. "I have a standing appointment every other Thursday at 5:30. Toby knows about it. I told him everything a few weeks ago. We we're watching basketball, drinking and well...everything just sort of came out."

"Had 2 Jack and cokes?" I tease as I reach out to brush my hand over his arm that's resting on the back of the couch. He flinches a little and quickly looks at me to see if I noticed. Guess the look on my face shows that I did. "Sorry. I've just been a little…I don’t know. I guess I startle pretty easily these days.”

"Yeah, you do," I whisper as he gets up to pace around. He's limping a little now. "Did you mention the stiffness to Dr. Collins?" I ask, not sure how Josh will react to my question.

"Yeah, he wanted to write me a prescription for something but I already take enough pills, between the blood pressure pills, the Paxil and the occasional sleeping pill. Advil and the heating pad work fine. So I guess your next question is about my sleeping habits?" he asks, not a trace a annoyance in his voice.

"I actually wasn't going to ask. It's pretty clear you haven't been sleeping too well," I say honestly.

He nods and shrugs his shoulders a little. "I should probably use them a little more often. But I don't want to have to depend on them," He sighs. "I guess that's about it for the physical stuff. You want to hear the emotional crap too?" he asks as he curls up in the chair opposite from me. It seems clear he wants a little distance between the two of us and I understand.

"I want to hear whatever you're willing to share," I whisper as I pull the afghan off the back of the couch and throw it over my legs.

"Obviously, I've been a little jumpy, a little on edge. The Paxil has been helping with the PTSD symptoms though. The nightmares haven't been too bad and I've only had a few little panic attacks. None that you don't already know about. I've found it's pretty hard to hide them from you," he teases as he smiles and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. I return the smile and wait silently for him to continue. "As for work, I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't think Leo's completely ready to trust me again. And I guess I can't blame him, but it's been months. How much more time do I have to spend in the doghouse?" He whines the last part much like a pouting child. I can't say that I blame him, Leo's holding on to this for much longer than necessary. It's almost like he has to prove to people that he doesn't treat Josh any differently even though they have a long history. But I think he's gone overboard try to make his point. "And then there's us," he whispers as he rests his head in his hands looking down intently at his socks. He doesn't say anything further as way of explanation and I take a chance and get up from the couch to sit on the coffee table in front of him. The urge to reach out and take him in my arms is overwhelming but I know it's not what either of us needs right now. So I literally sit on my hands to keep from doing so.

"Josh," I whisper as I stretch my legs out a little, my foot brushing up against his. He drops his hands and lifts his head just a little but not quite enough so I can look him in the eye. I take another chance and reach out to him, nudging his chin up a little with my index finger. "What? Talk to me," I plead.

"I'm afraid we'll never get back to where we were," he whispers as he once again drops his head into his hands, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes.

I resist the urge to give a pat answer like, "we'll find our way back, we'll be fine". I go for brutal honesty because I think that's what is called for right now. "No Josh, we will never go back to where we were a few months ago. Too many things have changed, for you, for me, for both of us. We're not the same people we were last summer." My honesty is met with the reaction I expected, no reaction at all. Josh is still sitting in front of me, the heels of his hands pressed tight against his eyes as if to block out reality. "Josh, things change."

"I don't want them to change," he whines as he slides his hands down a little to press the pads of his fingers against his eyes.

"Josh," I try again, not quite sure where to go with this. "Look at me, please." He reluctantly moves his hands, revealing a pair of slightly damp, red eyes. I reach out to wipe the corner of his eye but he sits up suddenly in a move that startles both of us.

"Sorry," he mutters as he curls up in the chair, as far away from me as he can get without actually getting up. I take the hint and stand up to clear the dirty plates off the coffee table. The ball is in his proverbial court. I load the dishwasher and set up the coffee maker for tomorrow morning. Not that I think I’ll be here tomorrow morning. I turn around to head back into the living room and Josh has apparently wandered into the kitchen, scaring the crap out of me as I all but run into him.

"Change is good," he mutters as he crosses the room to hop up onto the counter.

What the hell? I take up an "I'm listening" stance as I cross my arms and lean against the refrigerator.

"We're different people, living in different circumstances and it's time I realized that," he states simply as he reaches over to the sink to get a drink of water.

"OK, I've only been in the kitchen for a few minutes, when did the spaceship have time to land, beam up Joshua Lyman and leave me with this pod person?" I snort. Josh ends up snorting too, but unfortunately he had a mouthful of water at the time. He's now gagging, coughing and has dropped the cup on the floor, thank God for Tupperware. I pass him a handful of tissues and drop a dish towel on the floor to mop up the water. "Are you ok?" I ask when it seems like he's done sputtering, coughing and blowing his nose.

"Just peachy," he smirks as he tosses the tissues in the direction of the trash can, missing by a good half a foot. I wave him off as he starts to slide off the counter. I made him snort water out of his nose, the least I can do it throw out the tissues.

"So you were saying?"

"Before I started gagging? Oh, yeah. I guess I just realized that change isn't all that bad."

"Nice to see you're putting that law degree and Fulbright Scholarship to work," I tease. Bad idea, apparently Josh was going for serious. "Sorry, go on," I say, resuming my position by the fridge.

"If we had never changed, we'd still be the same two people we were back in New Hampshire. An overworked political mastermind and a naive wanna-be campaign worker." We try to keep straight faces but fail. After a few laughs Josh gets serious again. "We've changed and grown so much over these past 6 years. We've been through hell and back more times than I care to remember. We've been through more than two people should ever have to go through. But we've always managed to make it out the other side, most of the time in one piece. But the times one of us didn't come through unscathed the other was always there to put the pieces back together."

Damn you Joshua Lyman, now I'm bawling like a baby. I reach for some tissues but remain a few feet away from Josh. He's getting a little misty eyed himself but I think he still has more to get out and I don't want to get in his way. "So change is good?"

"Yeah, change is good," he says with a genuine smile, the first one I've seen in a while. "My life is better because of the changes that have happened since we met. Except for the really crappy stuff, I wouldn't change a thing. Now if the things that are changing right now would start changing for the better I would be really, really happy," he teases.

"I think they will," I whisper as I push away from the fridge and tentatively move towards him. He holds out his hand in a silent gesture. I take it and move to stand in front of him. "I wouldn't change a thing either."

"So we're ok?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

"We're adapting. We're going to be fine," he assures me. His tone lets me know he actually believes it. "Like Toby said, you are flourishing. And I couldn't be more proud but I'm still getting used to it."

"I know. Both things, that you're proud of me and that you're still having a little trouble with it. But we'll work through it, just like always."

"Sometimes, sometimes I swear it's just, just you and me..." he stutters, clearly losing his train of thought. He looks to me to finish his thought.

"Against the world?" I say with a goofy grin as I take his other hand in mine and take a step closer until I'm standing in between his knees.

He laughs louder than I've heard in months. As corny as it sounds, it's music to my ears. "Yeah, you and me against the world," he repeats as he leans forward a little.

He's going to kiss me.

Now when we were on our way here tonight I had this fleeting idea that we would have this big moment...the big moment when we declare our love for each other and throw each other on the nearest horizontal surface.

I got over that thought about the time Josh confessed he's been puking.

Anyway, yes, Josh is kissing me, I am kissing him. Life is good. But I must confess it's not the "fireworks going off in my head" type of kiss. Not that I'm doing any complaining.

As the kiss ends and we both pull away I realize it wasn't very passionate at all. But there was something more to it. It was, to me at least, a promise, a taste of things yet to come. And judging by the big grin on Josh's face, I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

Neither of us can quite come up with anything witty to say. And even though we're rather verbose people silence is working for both of us right now. Josh pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me and dropping his head to my shoulder. A million thoughts are going through my mind and his too, I would imagine.

I think about the fact that theoretically we're ready to move on...to take that giant leap and...and get naked. But the reality is, at this very moment, falling into bed would be a huge mistake.

I've spent hours fantasizing about how Josh and I finally get together. A whole spectrum of scenarios have popped into my head. Some more realistic than others, I do admit. Joining the "mile high club" on Air Force One is an incredibly sexy and erotic scenario, but is it realistic, probably not. The two of us fighting over something in his office late at night and him just getting so fed up that he sweeps everything off his desk and throws me down, possibly a little more realistic, but not how I want it to happen.

I want it to happen when we're both ready, body, mind and soul. That sounds corny, I know. But I don't want it to happen out of pity, to happen at time of national crisis or natural disaster. I don't want us to fall in bed together out of the desire to shut out the "real world" for a couple of hours.

I want Josh to woo me. And I wouldn't mind at all if I had to woo him too.

Josh inhales deeply and lets go of me, sitting back with his head against the cabinet. The expression on his face is a little hard to read. It's a combination of a lot of things, I think...desire, fear, hope and exhaustion.

"You look tired," I say as I tug on his hand a little to get him to slide off the counter.

"Exhausted," he admits something he doesn't readily do very often. "But I don't know if we are done talking."

"No, we're not," I think to myself, "You haven't declared your undying love for me yet." But I keep that to myself. "Josh, we've said plenty tonight. You've shared a lot and gotten some things out in the open." He nods in agreement as he leads me out of the kitchen. He stops suddenly in the hallway.

"What took us so long to do this?"

"Have this conversation?" I ask, not sure if that's what he means. He nods as he walks into his room. I stop in the doorway, not quite sure I want to cross the threshold. "I thought it was what you wanted," I say as I lean against the door jamb. "I didn't want to push you or pry into your life."

"I thought it was what you wanted too," he sighs as he sits on the edge of the bed. "I didn't want to burden you with my crap. You have enough to deal with right now. You're flourishing," he adds with a smile. "Bottom line...we've been keeping each other..."

"At arms length," I say, finishing his thought. I cross the threshold and walk over to the bed. Patting Josh's arm I get him to stand up so I can pull back the comforter, the really ugly comforter. He settles down, giving me enough room to sit down next to him. I sit without any hesitation, surprising both of us a bit.

"Sleep," I whisper as I turn off the light on the nightstand.

"Promise me something," mutters Josh as he pulls the comforter up under his chin.

"What's that?" I ask as I tuck my hair behind my ears, put my left hand on the other side of Josh and lean over a little, ignoring the warning bells that have started to chime through my head.

"Help me steal the rest," he laughs.

"Oh, you're finally ready to admit you have health and strength now," I tease.

"Yeah," he admits grudgingly.

"I'll help you, always. Cause sometimes it's just you and me..."

"Against the world," he whispers as he pulls his hand out from under the covers. He squeezes my hand and flashes a dimple-filled smile. "OK Helen Reddy, I'm about to fall asleep. You ok getting home?"

"Yeah, I'll just take your car," I assure him as I lean over give him a chaste kiss on the forehead and stand up. I grab his keys off his dresser and turn to leave. As I hit the doorway the sound of his voice makes me turn around.

"Hey Donna," he whispers.

"What now Joshua," I sigh in mock exasperation, afraid of what he's going to say.

He spends a few seconds rethinking what he was going to say. "Never mind," he whispers with a little grin.

I smile, hoping to convey that I know what he was about to say, even if I don't really know.

That made more sense in my head.

He rests his hand over the scar on his chest and winks. Yeah, I'm sure I know what he was about to say. He was about to say what's in his heart, the same thing that's in mine. I mimic his gesture, putting my hand over my heart and winking back.

I straighten up a few things before I go.

When I got here tonight I didn't know what to expect. But I realize we did take a few big strides forward tonight. Maybe it was the push we need, maybe it wasn't.

Only time will tell.

I check on Josh one last time from the doorway. He's sleeping peacefully. Hopefully he'll stay that way through the night. I debate whether to go in the room and kiss him one more time. But I decide to listen to the warning bells in my head and turn to leave.

"You and me against the world, Josh," I whisper as I close his front door behind me.

The End

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